Tricky situation

Purelife21 · June 2013

So my DH finally suggested a name that we both love: Melissa. We love that it actually goes decently with our last name (quite a feat), pairs well with our DD's name, and we think the meaning is adorable (that's important to us). The only issue is that it was the name my mom had chosen for one of her babies that was stillborn at 34 weeks. I can see this going both ways...either my mom would see it as an honor to her baby's memory, or something negative. I obviously plan on asking her how she feels about it, but I'd like to know what your thoughts are. How would you feel in my mom's position, and what would you do in mine?

MrsCFB · June 2013

i don't know what i would do in your mom's situation, but i agree with you that you should run the name by your mom first.

sorry to hear about your mom's loss.

missmama30 · June 2013

We lost a baby girl at 24 weeks and her name is sacred to us. I would not be okay with anyone who knew about her wanting to use her name. I just consider angel babies names to be precious and off limits and we've stuck to that in trying to name our boy due in August. We met many loss moms thru a support group heard many cute boy names but wouldn't consider them out of respect for the moms
That may be completely different as it is your mom tho. I think it's good to ask her feelings on it first. Maybe she would feel honored by it. I hope it works out for you as I know how hard it is to find a name you both love!! We are still struggling to find THE name. Hth

nanabanana06 · June 2013

Being someone who's suffered a loss I would feel slightly hurt by this. I would ask your mom to be sure, but I wouldn't consider this name ultimately.

Dr.Loretta · June 2013

It would depend on your mom.

If I were your mom, I'd be so happy that you chose to honor your sister in that way.

All you can do is ask. It sounds like she's pretty open about things, so you can have an honest conversation about it.

Purelife21 · June 2013

Yeah, I have run the name by her before and she said how much she loves it. I guess it's just time that I seriously present to her that this name is a final contender, but that I'll honor her wishes either way.

sunlavender · June 2013

I think I would talk to my mom first. Then, go from there.

bumpuser9353653 · June 2013

I definitely think it depends on how your mom feels. My uncle had a stillborn baby girl and had picked the name Samantha. .. Then when I was born, the name was on the top of their list. They asked my uncle (mom's brother) about it and he was OK with them using the name. But they would have totally understood if he was not OK with it.

I agree with PP - talk to your mom, then go from there.

nanabanana06 · June 2013

katielou711:
If I were your mother, and had had X amount of years to deal with the grief of losing a child, to me it would be an honor. I think I would be happy that the babies name would still live on through family. Definitely talk to her before you make a decision.

Excuse me? You don't just get over losing a child "in X amount of years". You live with that daily. It's not easy, even more so if it's a late loss or still born. That is just highly insensitive.

capulet · June 2013

My great-grandparents had twelve children and lost five of them in infancy. They re-used several names of children they lost for subsequent children of the same sex. This has always seemed odd to me, but I doubt they mourned their lost babies less than other parents who would not consider using the same name again. To me this shows that the way people deal with grief (and to me "deal with" means something other than than "get over," although I suppose not everyone agrees) is highly individual. I can't even imagine myself in the position of having lost a child, but even if I had, I could probably only speak to my own feelings, and even those might be quite conflicted.

+ASH+ · June 2013

My mom and I have a lot of issues and she criticizes me about many things, but this is actually something she would be okay with. She had two boys in between each of us girls and the boys were stillborn. I thought for years that if I had a son, I would use the names of my brothers. Unfortunately, by the time I did have a son, one name was ruined by someone I knew with the same name, so I didn't use it.

I know she still mourns those losses (she's told me that since I have two boys, it makes it easier because it's almost like having her boys back), but she would have loved her grandson having one or both names. Talk to your mom and respect her wishes on whatever she chooses.

JesseKhloe&Me · June 2013

I wouldn't ask unless you were sure. But I would be careful in your wording maybe even say "We love the name would like to honor your sister/her daughter." I think there are ways you could say it that could be hurtful, like you just like it you're asking permission. If you go about it the right way, it could be a great way to help her continue to heal. Good luck.

JemmaWRX · June 2013

I can't put myself in your Mom's position because I've never experienced that. I think all you can do is ask her how she feels about it. If she says no, do you like Marissa, Megan, Mackenzie, Mena, Mila?

Meery82 · June 2013

Nana_Osaki06:
katielou711:
If I were your mother, and had had X amount of years to deal with the grief of losing a child, to me it would be an honor. I think I would be happy that the babies name would still live on through family. Definitely talk to her before you make a decision.
Excuse me? You don't just get over losing a child "in X amount of years". You live with that daily. It's not easy, even more so if it's a late loss or still born. That is just highly insensitive.

I don't think she meant it that way.

Lelo2006 · June 2013

Meery82:
Nana_Osaki06:
katielou711:
If I were your mother, and had had X amount of years to deal with the grief of losing a child, to me it would be an honor. I think I would be happy that the babies name would still live on through family. Definitely talk to her before you make a decision.
Excuse me? You don't just get over losing a child "in X amount of years". You live with that daily. It's not easy, even more so if it's a late loss or still born. That is just highly insensitive.
I don't think she meant it that way. 

I don't think she did either... I think it was more like, they aren't considering giving the baby the same name a week or even a few years later. It really depends on op's mom, though.

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