Bringing back the genetic child you had to bury

liz4paws · June 2013

I have a really strange question to pose to those of you who have been on the TPR path for a while.

Taking money and the hassle of cycling out of the equation (because we all know it's easier and cheaper to have a baby spontaneously)...

How would you feel if you spontaneously conceived a baby at this point? Would there be any mixed feelings?

I recognized something about myself earlier this year. I had to grieve and completely emotionally bury the notion of a genetic child in order to really embrace the idea of having a child born of donor genes. And I can say that after going through that extensive grieving process, the only child(ren) I can picture in our future are comprised NOT of our genes. And not only am I okay with that idea, I cherish it.

It's to the point where if we were to spontaneously conceive a genetic child, I would feel almost blindsided and strange because that child I was forced to bury would be "coming back from the dead". That's sincerely the only way I know how to describe it. It's a strange feeling to think about a child you buried coming back to you. It makes me a bit uneasy. And it's probably a good thing because with our IF diagnosis, it just ain't gonna happen anyway ;-)

Am I alone in feeling this? I would obviously love and accept any child who is born to me - genetic or not. However it's been a strange realization to me that I feel like having a donor-conceived child is preferred at this point since that genetic child is dead.

Let me also add by saying I did NOT feel this way in the beginning. It is a feeling that has emerged in the past six months or so. I'd imagine that those new to TPR might think I'm just crazy.

I'm curious for your thoughts!

DoublePortion · June 2013

While I haven't been at TPR a long time I understand what you mean. While a surprise PG would be a miracle and a blessing I can't help but wonder if I'd feel cheated somehow. Like I put years of effort into a bio child and once I let that dream go and allowed my hopes for the future to change then I'd have to let go of the new dream too.

Sometimes I find myself thinking of how I wouldn't have to worry about a donor embryo child inheriting certain qualities from mine or DH's families and am relived! lol Sure they'll have their own flaws but at least they won't be compared to other family members and will be able to be their own person.

stinkerbell6879 · June 2013

Nope not crazy. BUT. I knew since I was 17yrs. old that a genetic child would be impossible. So like you I have had plenty of time to move past and "bury" that child. So I agree that I would have mixed emotions if something like that happened! I know it's medically impossible, but I have thought of the "What if's..." and have come to terms with having to use DE, and it feels normal to me.

Lacyj67 · June 2013

I'm for sure not quite there yet. I still am moving forward with DE and very excited about the whole process but a piece of hope still clings to the back of my mind that maybe if I get pregnant with a DE and have a baby then later down the road my body will know what to do , produce some eggs and we could have a bio child after. That seems crazy in my mind that it would ever even happen but it's still there hanging in the for a shred of hope. That makes me ask... Am I CRAZY? Not that u won't absolute feel so blessed and ecstatic to have a DE baby and love it the same as a bio ... I would and be so happy if that's all I get. I just want to be a mother and if this is the path I take... So be it.

LittleLady77 · June 2013

I think I would come around to the idea of a biological child but I would certainly be too scared of miscarriage to enjoy it for at least 20 weeks. Today we avoid during ovulation just in case. All I need is a stupid pregnancy that won't last messing up my DE cycle!

liz4paws · June 2013

Fascinating answers, ladies! I love that you understand where I'm coming from. I'd love any child. Period. But I cherish where I appear to be headed at this point of my journey.

ichoosehope · June 2013

I have lived this can tell you, yes, I was devastated at first. My DH conceived using DE and had DD. We then spontaneously conceived DS now 10 weeks old when DD was 6 months old. I sobbed for days after I found out I was pregnant again. Don't get me wrong, DH I are obviously well aware of how babies are made! I just NEVER imagined that we would get pregnant on our own. I had finally come to peace with not having a genetic link to my children and felt a little like I had been jerked around. I always wanted to give DD a full blooded sibling, someone with whom she has a complete genetic link. I felt horrible that she was not going to have this and I was to blame DH is set on no more than two children. Honestly, I still struggle a bit with this, but it's gotten better after watching them together the last few weeks DD is in LOVE w/DS. I truly believe that everything in life happens for a reason and that I am raising the children that I am supposed to be raising....I just have to remind myself of that every once in awhile :

shewolf576 · June 2013

I knew that I would not have babies before I ever tried to have babies (13 years old I never even had the s word yet). Its been a long road and I still wonder what "my" baby would look like. At this point I don't care about genetics. I still morn the loss of not being able to have kids but, I welcome the day when I have a baby any baby. We keep hoping we can adopt one of our fosters, I am still going to try again when we find an embryo, If I ever got preggo naturally (0% chance with streak ovaries) that would be fine too. I am so used to hormones, drugs, and picking out potential embryos a natural pregnancy would be weird. Part of me knows that a natural baby is gone, part of me still dreams about it, and part wouldn't know how I would take something that has been an impossibility for soooo many years actually happen.

WeBelieveInMagic · June 2013

My husband and I are carriers of cystic fibrosis and found out while I was pregnant with my first son. There was so much worry and so much testing. It wasn't until I was fifteen weeks pregnant that we found out that he would be healthy. After that my husband and I knew that we could not have any more biological children. It was too much of a risk.

I mourned the loss terribly. There was a real sense of grief. I couldn't stand to look at any of our pregnant friends, knowing that they could just have children. That they didn't have to even think about it. They could just decide, "Hey! Lets have another." and it would happen for them. I was angrier than I had ever been. I was mad at myself and mad at my husband. I wondered why we had found one another, these two imperfect beings.

We got through it and conceived our second son with donor sperm. To the person who was wondering if the love is the same. It is, at least for me. We do everything in our power to prevent another pregnency. The idea of getting pregnant with a child who will be sick and suffer, eventually dying before his or her time is sobering. I would not want to be pregnant with our biological child. I have given up on that and moved on.

AmCheri · June 2013

Liz, thanks for asking this question. I read your question to MH and we briefly discussed, finding that both of us are on the same page.

I feel tremendously lucky. I'm sitting here responding to your post while MH is snuggling with our two week old baby. DE brought her to us after a great deal of struggle, loss and grief. She's our world now. Do I still mourn a genetic connection? Yes and I think there will always be some of that. But now, my focus is on our daughter. When we discussed a universe where having a genetic child would be not only possible, but probable, our main concern was not wanting to do anything that could hurt our little girl. I'm not sure this is a rational concern but it's one that we both have.

To respond to your question from a different perspective, spontaneously conceiving would scare the dickens out of us. We fully understand that we are tremendously high risk for m/c and trisomies. This is why we moved on from my OE to DE.

It's been over a year since we came to grips with needing to use DE. And now we feel like we have it all. DE is in the past and it's not relevant now. When I dream of the possibility of expanding our family, it doesn't involve genetics. It does, however, involve the frosties we have from our DE cycle.

Km672 · June 2013

AmCheri,

Your response was really beautiful.
I hope I am lucky enough to feel this way a year from now.
Congrats on your baby girl!!

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