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How Close

2chatter2chatter member
in Blended Families

We are moving hopefully next month.  This has been the plan - to move - since before exh and I divorced.  He's totally on board, we communicate well about this, etc.  He lives in a hotel, so he's pretty portable.

This is where blending/divorce makes my head spin.  He was looking to live seriously in our neighborhood.  I was fine with it in theory, but really did not want to see him at the store, out walking, having him pop over, etc. ALL the time.  He drove around up there more and decided that he does not want to live in that area and is looking about 30 minutes away.  I am fine with that in theory too, but with traffic he will be 1 hour away at some points in the day.  I was thinking if he lived locally he could do a weeknight overnight if he actually gets an apartment and the girls would be thrilled; not so much with traffic and it being unpredictable.  I am apprently impossible to please!  Close, but not too close....

So...how close is ideal? 

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Re: How Close

  • MrsHetzelMrsHetzel member
    Eh I guess it's whatever you're comfortable with. It's hard for someone else to say how close is too close. DH and I live about 8 minutes from BM right now, in the town over, though we just bought a house about 20 mins total from BM. While looking for a house, we did look in her town though, about 5 mins away. It's actually really nice and convenient being close to SD and she loves having us close. Though I am glad we ended up settling in a different town from BM bc SD is already 10 and by the time my DS is old enough to start playing sports, I'm glad he won't be in the same town SD and her older sister are in. I know all the current soccer moms will have moved on by then, obviously, but I still like knowing I'm in a different town.

    I hope the situation works out the best way for you!
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  • Sunday924Sunday924 member
    We lived 2 miles from BM and it wasn't an issue. SS wasn't in school yet and we maybe saw BM out and about twice the whole year we lived by each other. Now she lives 20 minutes away and it works out really well. It's not too close but we can still take SS to and from school and other activities. When we are ready to buy a house we will probably do so halfway between here and there so it will be more like 10 minutes. 
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  • ldmessingldmessing member
    my sks bm lives an hour away, we wish she were closer
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  • marie2424marie2424
    We live about 20 min. from bm and its been the perfect distance. We used to live about 45 min and pick up/drop offs were becoming annoying for everyone!
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  • coopsbabycoopsbaby member

    My XH lives about 30 minutes away, but he might as well live on the moon as often as he sees the kids. I live in a small town (10,000 people) but his is tiny (like 2-3000?) so he does come here to shop and stuff sometimes, and I hate running into him. Thank God he has a Walmart or he'd be here more.

     

    If our kids were little and we were doing a lot of exchanges I'd want him closer, but he never takes them and they refuse to go to his house so he just drives here and sees them. 

       
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  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    Yes you are impossible to please. Maybe you suggest to him that he would be better if he was closer to DD and suggest some possible areas? For you I would suggest as close as possible while in a town where his local stores are different than yours.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • 2chatter2chatter member

    He used to be 1.5 - 2 hours away.  I definately do not miss those drives.  I really am trying to not even be invested in where he lives - he has moved something like 12 times in the last 5 years.  Right now he has no money and no job, so it's not like I am even confident he can rent an apartment.  But I suck at not thinking about the "what-ifs".

    The fine line I am walking is trying not to offer opinions, because as LittleJen suggests, that is the road I would end up on and the one that was me for our marriage.  I took care of things.  I figured things out for him.  I made things OK.  I can feel myself starting to get sucked back in - more frequent phone calls, lots of opinion "what should I do type questions".....I hate the emotional complexity of even simple things post-divorce.

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  • danac2010danac2010 member

    I'm not exactly sure what area you are looking at here but you are right about traffic being a nightmare around here.  BM lives about 8-10 miles from us but with construction and traffic it's about 45 min on average.  We do have backroads that are helping some.  I have only run into BM once and that was at the DMV.  The closest she has lived to us is 2 miles and I still never saw her. 

    My entire family, 3 siblings, and both sets of parents, live in a 3 mile radius of each other and they still don't see each other at the stores, etc.  I understand not wanting to see ex but if it would be better for your girls you might just consider he may move close.  BM has moved every year so far.  SD goes to our school district and the school by our house so we just let BM move and do all the driving since she is the one that keeps moving farther and farther away. Is the area you are moving too a place that has a few different grocery store and other stores or are you moving to one of the smaller towns that only has the one grocery store?  We have about 3, including Wal-Mart, around us so we have some choices.

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  • 2chatter2chatter member

    I am not sure about the area yet but know this - exh is foreign and as a result of that, he tends to go exactly where I would go, as his experiences here were all initially with me.  There could be two stores on the same street and whichever one I prefer would be the one he goes to.  I think I really am OK with close - just don't want him in walking distance, if that makes sense, the more I think about it. 

    I checked out a DC for DS today and loved it - but it took me 2.5 hours to get back to work because they CLOSED the HIGHWAY.  I hate the traffic here.

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