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Blended Families
Phantomgirl
member
Update
Phantomgirl
member
My update is not good news and in light of the post below (about mother v father rights) I'm thinking I should just jump off!!!
So I stepped back for real this time. I have made it clear to DH that he is now the lead, he has to make all arrangements and he has to be around when SS is with us.
We have had two night visitation in the last month.
Last weekend he cancelled visitation because he didn't feel like it. He then took the weekend off to spend time with me. To be totally honest it was one of the nicest weekends we've have had in a long time.
I'm not collecting SS this eve and it feels so weird to me!! Also I don't know what to do with myself for the day tomorrow. No football! but of course that means SS is not on a team as neither BM or DH signed him up, despite him asking all the time.
I think DH is collecting him tomorrow eve at some stage although he called me to tell me 15 year old nephew is coming down for the weekend to work on a car with DH - which SS hates.
I have received two really angry texts from BM telling me she is sick of changing her plans to accommodate 'me'. Then this week she tried a different approach and text me to say 'if you want to collect SS any evening to see him that is no problem.
DH and I have really been talking openly lately. He is totally fine seeing SS this much. He is content and happy with life. Now that we are talking more and not fighting about SS he is happier than ever.
To be honest even in this short time I am looking forward to my chilled weekend. I clearly see now how much of the work I was actually doing.
I hate to say, but there is way less tension in the house and we have had some really fun weekends. I don;t think I realised what we had given up with we changed to every weekend. We are going out socialising and doing way more things together. If anything it has been a really good thing for us as a couple. We are having fun together!!
So yea, that's us. Going forward I see us taking SS at max one night a week.
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Re: Update
You were such an integral part of SS's life that I wonder if you are really going to be content in the long term with a man who is happy with this amount of time spent with his child.
I think you're doing the right thing and forcing the two to work it out on their own. You did way too much for both of them and you getting too resentful and that does not bode well for the marriage. However, it is concerning that he's cancelling because he doesn't feel like it. Is there any consistency? Or is it too soon to tell?
So how is SS doing with this change? Is he seeing enough of his dad? And do you worry that visitation will grow to be even less? That's an issue too obviously.He needs to see his son, and yet, you can not do all the work to ensure that he does so. That's a tough spot to be in and to watch if your husband does not step up and take on his repsonsibilties. Are you ready for that?
Honey, do you really want to stay married to a man who doesn't want to see his child more than one night a week? That's 3 hours out of 84 away hours?
I get that there is less stress on your marriage, but the less stress is because your DH finally gets to NOT MAN UP.
I just want more for you.
I think how you look at this situation depends on what you're optimizing for.
If it is important to you to have children around all the time, and to be with a man who wants to be really involved with his son, then yes, PPs are right that you will probably end up feeling resentful after the "vacation" feeling has worn off. And if you want to have children with this man, then I would probably be paying close attention to his level of interest in his son now, because it's a good indicator of how he'd be with another one.
However, if you don't want any more children, I don't think there's anything wrong with being content with the situation as it is. You just need to decide what's important to you. You know to what level your DH wants to be involved with his son, and I don't think it's fair for others to judge him for that, or you for being ok with it, if that is what works for your family. I agree that children are the most important thing, but let's not forget that marriage is pretty important, too, and a happier marriage is better for his son any way you slice it, even if he's spending less time with you guys.
At this point, it seems unlikely that you can do anything that will improve this situation long term. Sure, you can go back to interceding and stepping in. But the price of that is huge for you.
If you to not step back in, where do you see everyone in 5 years? Are you comfortable with what you see?
As someone else pointed out, I think that your potential children are a key point. If you have decided to not have a baby, I could better see this being workable for you. If you have children, I think you're too good of a person to be happy like this.
I agree that your DH needed to take the lead and be the FATHER not the husband of the wife who does it all for SS.
BUT...how he can go without seeing his child and be okay with it is beyond me. Also, how YOU like the situation more is unacceptable to me. I get that it is peaceful and you can do more without him around but I would have no respect for a man who would just go without seeing his child. ZERO RESPECT
All of this. And it seems like you were the only responsible onstant in SS life, now you've taken a step back and left itup to the parents. SS will likely feel like another 'parent' in his life doesn't want to be around him, take him to his activities, ect. He will probably be hurt by this. Your marriage may thrive, but that kid is going to have issues and its his fathers fault. I don't know how you can stay with a man who's content with that.
I hope at the very least you go back to EOW and 1 night a week. I think since you have had a decent relationship with BM that maybe you could explain the situation to her, at the very least tell her that you can't do collections anymore, and it is up to DH.
My H doesn't go out of his way to get my SD, and we have gone long periods of time without seeing her because of this. I feel bad for SD and I have told my H that it will have a negative impact on her someday. We don't have bio kids of our own and are not planning to, there would be NO way I could have kids with him seeing how he is with his own. I guess he feels like he pays his CS and that is all he really has to do. BUT now that BM has a bf, she is has been asking H to take SD more and he usually says ok.
Good luck!
At this point I can only say that I will have to watch this space and see how it pans out. This weekend will be very interesting to see what time DH collects him tomorrow and drops him back on Sunday. Will he not cycle / swim on Sunday to spend time with him???
In regards to us having kids. We are currently undergoing fertility treatment. I have exploratory surgery in July but it appears that the problem may be on DH end. He is devastated over it.
I have no doubts that he will be a loving involved father. Which will be hard on SS.
It's tough in that DH is a great, kind loving husband. I honestly have nothing to complain about other than the issue with SS.
I'm confused at this point if my stepping back is what I want? Again time will tell as I have a great relationship with SS and don't want to lose it.
Ill update on Monday when I see how this weekend plays out.
Edit: originally when I decided to 'pull back' I did not envision reducing visitation.
Ugh. I dont envy you. You are in such a tough position. While I am willing to bet that he would in fact be a good and loving father to your child, it's really dis-heartening to see him do this to the son he already has.
I hope you are not blaming yourself for the lack in visitation. I hope you are not thinking of taking it all back on either.
I don't know what to advise you on here, but I hope you know that you cannot orchestrate their involvement and responsibilties to their child. Let this ride a little longer, see what happens. Express your concern for his lack in visitation and see where it goes. They have to adjust to you not doing it all anymore. At least give them time - especially your husband - to get it together.
My fear for you is that even if he is a loving/attached father to your child, you would feel guilty/resentful over the way it would destroy your SS. And how do you get around that?
With our bf I have confidence that DH loves DS and DD the same. But I am still sensitive to even a perceived slight. So I think if I had to witness MH acting towards our children in blatantly different ways, it would eat away at my love and respect for him.
When no child is present, I think it's easy to focus on being a couple.
I don't know, Phantom. This whole thing makes me sad.
This. I totally agree with this.
Please do not take this the wrong way. Because I have met your husband and he is a nice guy.
But I have a problem with seeing how these two statements can be 100% true.
First and foremost, how can you be 100% sure that your DH will be a loving involved father with your child(ten) if he cannot do it with SS? Why can't he do that with SS?
It is not SS's fault for his conception. And if your grown up husband cannot get over whatever issues he has had with the situation to be a decent person to his son, why would you bet your children's future on him not doing the same thing if something were to happen between the two of you?
And I say this because it seems that your DH will do more for his nieces and nephews then his own child. The precedent is there.
As for the second statement. He is not a good and loving husband because good and loving husbands are partners in their marriage over all things.
Remember, I had to leave my husband to get him to this point. Though in my case, I was trying to get my husband to man up and control his child, you are trying to get your husband to man up and love his child.
I love you Phantom. I do. Monkey talks about you still (though the cows in the back yard were the bigger draw).
I don't think that your marriage is over. But I do think you need to have your DH work hard on the reasons behind his lack of connection with his son and how to work past it and towards a good relationship. Not just for his, your or SS's sake, but for your potential children's sake.
I also agree that you needed to step back, but think you need time to see clearly.
Your husband seems to be a hands off father. Does that mean he's a bad dad no it just means he won't be the most active and involved father. He won't change when you have your own kids. He will step back once the novelty wears off and let you handle everything.
He is good with his niece and nephews only because he doesn't half to do any work. It's all fun and games.
I think it's great you have the strength to take a step back; as a fellow control freak, that is really hard and I totally commend you! And I don't blame you at all for saying you enjoy your weekends! I don't know how moms or dads do it when they only have the children on the weekends. You should be able to enjoy some weekends relaxing, and doing couple things with your DH. I have 50/50 and I need my weekends off to recharge to be a better parent when I do have him. I am happy for you on this front.
That said, it's hard to take you seriously when are assured he will be a good father to your hypothetical child when he has shown you over and over what kind of father he is to a real child. You are a regular and everyone goes a little easier on you, but god forbid another SM come to this board explaining her husband's lack of interest in his child/her step child. Those women get ripped respective new ones! They even get reamed if anyone *perceives* their DH is less than totally invested, and yours has proven it many times over.
I hope you take this time stepping back to evaluate a lot of things, like if you want a child with this man, and if you want to stay with a man who is happy to not be a present parent to his child. I agree with PPs that this is a good time to think about some big things.
I do hope you have a good weekend!!
This kills me. How you can lay down next to this sorry excuse for a man is beyond me. You are such an amazing woman, with so much to offer, so much love, energy, and warmth. You deserve better.
This. Phantom, you deserve better, and your future children deserve better. The father he is to SS is a huge indicator of the father he will be to any children you two have together.
I'm glad that things are smoother for YOU now, you really and truly deserve that. It wasn't fair that you were bearing all the work and dealing with all the stress. Are you going to be okay with not seeing SS as much in the long term though?
Just some things to think about.
My other concern is if you have a child and then this all gets to you and you lose all respect for him I would be pretty shocked if he is any better of a father to your child if you are split. He might be great if you stay together and he might not and that is a pretty big gamble.
I still do not think you should be the only one stepping up but please wait and see before trying to procreate to see what type of man he really is because if he does not step up at all I cannot imagine you staying with him forever.
ETA: And Phantom, If something ever happened to you and you were not there to raise your child and he had to be a single Dad are you positive he would do it given your current information ? My friend just told me that her Uncle and his XW asked her to be guardians of their child if something happened to them but that the uncle wanted this even if something only happened to his EW. If the mother of his child does he wanted his neice to raise her!
Phantom, I am sorry. You essentially are being told to dump your husband and not have a child with him. While we all have concerns, I really think it's unfair. I know everyone means well, but you have to make your own decisions.
As someone who had a child by a man where most people would have said I probably should not have...I can tell you that DD is the best damn thing to happen to me. I do not regret it for one moment. I am not going to tell you to stay or go or to have a child or not to have a child.
The facts are you married him, you love him, you love his son and admire you for that. You are a good woman and obviously committed. Do your best and don't give up on trying to make this work and encouraging your husband to do the right thing by you, but most importantly for your son. Only YOU will know what the right decision is for you and your family and when.
I know you'll make good decisions. My only advice is to do what I did - take the advice, see the good in all of it and apply it the best you can to your life. I hope your story and marriage works out better than mine. I believe it can.
Know that I wish you the best and I support you 100%, as you have supported me thru my story.
((HUGS))
It really is on what your expectations are, what you can live with and what you can't?
Every parent at some point in their marriage realizes just how much work kids are. Some parents take a back seat and let the other be the more active parent. That doesn't make the other parent a bad parent.
If your husband is just a more hands off kind of person that is one thing. If he could careless about being a father that is totally another. Only you can truly tell and time will tell what you want from your marriage.
I don't know how long you've been married, but men don't really change much unless they are really wanting too. So are you just still doing the honeymoon thing?
As for having a stress free weekend since you two were not fighting over your SS, you can kiss that good by when you have your own child. You won't be able to say ok lets not be parents this weekend and do what we want. I do know that is not what you mean about not having your SS, but is that what your husband thinks? I don't think you are going to see much of a difference in your husband when you have your own kids.
My sister for example is great with my kids she loves them to pieces will do all sorts of things with them for them. But heck she sucks at being a mother, her daughter has been out of control her whole life, was forced to grow up way to young. She's a drunk drug addicted 21yr old who is just now joined NA and has been clean for a few months. I don't have a whole lot of hope that she will stay clean as she has the same friends. OOPS sorry rambling. But you see my point some ppl are better at being Aunts and Uncles then parents.
I do wish you the best and hope your Husband is not what we are all thinking he is for a father.