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Maddinsox · June 2013

CurlyQ284 · June 2013

I started out right in that position too and this board was very helpful in getting my feet wet with the step mom thing. Welcome!

Maddinsox · June 2013

Thanks everyone! I won't get my feelings hurt, I just want to hear what I need to hear. I know this is going to take time, but I never imagined it being this way. The youngest girl has already made some passive aggressive comments toward me. I have very little experience with kids, so I'm not even sure how to respond when she says those things. And words don't even compute the loneliness I feel when they are having dad/daughter snuggles and I'm just sitting on the other end of the sofa.

whse13kittens · June 2013

Been where you are! I had slightly more exposure to the kids before we moved in together, but at 15 and 11, sometimes the boys can be a challenge to "connect with", especially since I want/need to be an authority figure without stepping over the "not my mom" line. These ladies are great and will help you onto the right path...they help me and I am mostly a lurker :

lhypse · June 2013

posted under wrong account

marie2424 · June 2013

I can definitely relate to you! I found this board when I was in the same stage as you are right now. I moved in with my dh before we got married to really see how living with him and my 2 sk was gonna be. The first few months was very hard for me. There were several times I thought about ending it. I loved him but the sk thing was really hard... at first. We lived together for 2 years before getting married this past May. I think what had made the whole transition get easier is my dh. He's incredibly understanding. Ive been very honest with him the whole time and he's been great! Honestly, I hated the idea of being a step mom until I actually got to know my step kids. Before they used to be just someone elses kids to me. I have made it a point to get to know them. And now I really like when they're around! They're pretty cool kids and I see so much of my dh in them, I love it.

I would suggest maybe hanging out with the girls one on one. It may seem intimidating at first but it will get easier. I bake with my sd bc that's what she loves and ill play computer games with my ss bc hes kind of a nerd and that's when he will communicate with me! Ha!

Maddinsox · June 2013

When SO has heard her make comments, he calls her on it. But the last time she made a comment, he wasn't in the room to hear it. I ignored it and acted as if I had never heard it. But if it continues, I'll need to address it myself. I've never corrected a child, so I'm really over analyzing how to respond when I do. I agree that I need to do some type of activity with them to "bond," it's just hard because BM "doesn't want me around her kids" and I work weekend evenings most of the time they are here

MrsHetzel · June 2013

Welcome to the board! You'll find plenty of opinions on here, always try to take what everyone says with a grain of salt coz only you know your situation's ins and outs. If I can offer general advice for stepmomdom, ALWAYS be the bigger person. With step kids, with exwives, etc. Always remember to be the bigger person and that you can only control you.

Best of luck!

Maddinsox · June 2013

I'm feeling better reading your replies because I was beginning to think I really wasn't cut out for this situation due to the the feelings that I have been having!

Maddinsox · June 2013

MrsHetzel:
If I can offer general advice for stepmomdom, ALWAYS be the bigger person. With step kids, with exwives, etc. Always remember to be the bigger person and that you can only control you.

Best of luck!

This is so perfect. I definitely try despite how much I'd love to have a trashy front lawn brawl with BM!

2chatter · June 2013

Do not ignore the passive aggressive thing, but also don't over-react. That age is hard. DH here ignored it and it resulted in a TON of drama that could have been avoided if as PP stated, respect was the baseline.

It is hard to say what to do/not do, but here are some things to consider.

1) You and BF need to be a united front. If you think that a passive aggressive comment warrants a response, and make one and then he contradicts you things will not improve.

2) Snuggles on the couch is good. They need that. So do you. Kids can be territorial and have to be assisted with boundaries. This is true even with our bio - sometimes he just has to deal that DH might hug me and he screams. My girls tried to sit between us early on. His daughter tried to get him to physically leave the room literally every time I was in it. You guys need to be open with each other about these things. Here, I didn't say anything, so it got to the point where DH was programmed to leave the room with SD if I was in it. I could be in the kitchen washing dishes, he would come into the kitchen, SD would walk in and look at him until he left the room. She would then go back to her room alone.

3) No one should have their entire life change as a result of you all living together. Everyone's life will change some - theirs and yours. Accepting that on your part is important. If current parenting time didn't usually involve you much, going to 100% of that time you being engaged might be too much change. Don't be afraid to take things slowly. Studies are often quoted that say blending takes on average 7 years.

blondii428 · June 2013

My only advice is to be careful about what you share and take others opinions very lightly. With my first post here, I made the mistake of sharing more than I should have without giving every small detail and it ended up with a couple of girls flaming my DH as a parent. Since then I've gone back to lurking and I've noticed that despite those girls that gave me the negative impression of the board, there are a lot of girls here that truly give wonderful advice.

I'm in a similar situation as you, I'm going from seeing my SD for a couple of hours on the weekends to having her live with us full time and I'll be honest, it's been tough. I find that doing things just me and her lightens my feelings a little bit. Remember that your feelings are important too and make sure you feel comfortable opening up to your BF about what you are feeling.

MrsHetzel · June 2013

Maddinsox:
MrsHetzel:
If I can offer general advice for stepmomdom, ALWAYS be the bigger person. With step kids, with exwives, etc. Always remember to be the bigger person and that you can only control you.

Best of luck!

This is so perfect. I definitely try despite how much I'd love to have a trashy front lawn brawl with BM!

Haha believe me I know the feeling! Sometimes you just want to speak your mind but I promise you if you sink to a level beneath you, you'll feel 10 times worse!!! And at the end of the day, even if you present a clear concise argument, BM doesn't have to and probably won't believe you or listen to you anyway. Save yourself the energy and just focus on positives with your man and your SKs!!

bebe11 · June 2013

Maddinsox:
When SO has heard her make comments, he calls her on it. But the last time she made a comment, he wasn't in the room to hear it. I ignored it and acted as if I had never heard it. But if it continues, I'll need to address it myself. I've never corrected a child, so I'm really over analyzing how to respond when I do. I agree that I need to do some type of activity with them to "bond," it's just hard because BM "doesn't want me around her kids" and I work weekend evenings most of the time they are here

Tween girls are not easy, I know because I have a 11 yo DD!

It sounds like BM isn't going to have a choice, if you are around the kids or not! don't let her influence how you act with the girls! Maybe take them to ge their nails done, or to grab and ice cream cone. If you are working, maybe bring them home a special treat. It's all about baby steps Good luck!

HoolyGo · June 2013

My SD is much younger, and in many ways that makes it a lot easier to deal with. So, I can't really give advice on dealing with tweens specifically. What I can say is that your feelings are completely normal, that you and your DH need to be a united front, and that the idea of special time with just you and them is a good idea. It doesn't even have to be something big. My family plays dominoes, which is not something DH or BM do. My SD isn't old enough to really play, but we do play a modified version that's building up to real play and it's "our thing."

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