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kare_bear_12 · June 2013

Mrs.H. · June 2013

.I'd tell ex-wife to move and she can come visit her DD anytime she wants because you are not letting her take her that far away!!!

Sunday924 · June 2013

For me it's not a question. I would never willingly let my child move away or move away from my child. You aren't stopping her H from anything. He singed up for a blended family and he should have known what came with that.

ReeseFox · June 2013

Mrs.H.:
.I'd tell ex-wife to move and she can come visit her DD anytime she wants because you are not letting her take her that far away!!!

My thoughts, exactly.

Sigir · June 2013

I would not let them go. Who cares if ex holds it against you forever... It's not in the best interest of your sd to go. Girls need their dads in their lives. I would not wait it out, send them something formal in writing giving them notice that you won't agree to it. So you have a lawyer that can draft a letter?

Ilumine · June 2013

What if this goes through. DH is so torn because on one hand, we let them move with DD, then we barely see her and miss out on her primitive teen years of growing up. If we decline and don't let them go, we are stopping her husband from having a better career and providing for the family and our DD. Also if we don't let them go, the Ex will hold it against us forever and make life difficult. What would you do if you had to choose?

Why are these your two options? Even as the NCP, your immediate default is that the FATHER must lose out?

You can and should offer up taking full custody.

kare_bear_12 · June 2013

Ilumine:
What if this goes through. DH is so torn because on one hand, we let them move with DD, then we barely see her and miss out on her primitive teen years of growing up. If we decline and don't let them go, we are stopping her husband from having a better career and providing for the family and our DD. Also if we don't let them go, the Ex will hold it against us forever and make life difficult. What would you do if you had to choose?
Why are these your two options? Even as the NCP, your immediate default is that the FATHER must lose out?
You can and should offer up taking full custody.

We all try really hard to work together so that SD has 4 solid parents. We are both not the type to fight and make things ugly. If we have to, we will get a lawyer, but we are not to that point yet.We have already made it clear to his ex that we have a legal right to decline and need to be consulted on every decision or we will make it a legal battle if they don't.

We say this because SD has 3 younger siblings(ages 6, 4, 2) that we would never want to take her from as well. We do not have kids of our own yet. Also I know DH would never take SD away from her mother. She has solid parents in her mom and step dad as well. She would never be missing a male figure if they moved.

Sunday924 · June 2013

kare_bear_12:
Ilumine:
What if this goes through. DH is so torn because on one hand, we let them move with DD, then we barely see her and miss out on her primitive teen years of growing up. If we decline and don't let them go, we are stopping her husband from having a better career and providing for the family and our DD. Also if we don't let them go, the Ex will hold it against us forever and make life difficult. What would you do if you had to choose?
Why are these your two options? Even as the NCP, your immediate default is that the FATHER must lose out?
You can and should offer up taking full custody.
We all try really hard to work together so that SD has 4 solid parents. We are both not the type to fight and make things ugly. If we have to, we will get a lawyer, but we are not to that point yet.We have already made it clear to his ex that we have a legal right to decline and need to be consulted on every decision or we will make it a legal battle if they don't.
We say this because SD has 3 younger siblings(ages 6, 4, 2) that we would never want to take her from as well. We do not have kids of our own yet. Also I know DH would never take SD away from her mother. She has solid parents in her mom and step dad as well. She would never be missing a male figure if they moved.

but she would be missing her DAD

Lavender P · June 2013

Having a male figure in her life and having her dad are two separate things. In your last post it sounds like you are making the case for why she should move with her mom...

fellesferie · June 2013

If they were being forced to move (military or other job issue) that would be one thing. I can see agonizing over how to proceed.

But honestly, this isn't even hard. You won't accept them moving away, and you have the added power of a CO behind you. If they are forced to choose between money and a child, it shouldn't even be a choice. If it is, that's on them and not you.

hopanka · June 2013

It seems like they are going, the step father is just stalling you by telling you its not for sure yet. I wouldnt believe that for one second. You do need the formal letter sent ASAP. Unless, of course, your H decides its ok for them to move his DD away and he will be reduced to a holiday dad.

Sigir · June 2013

Lavender P:
Having a male figure in her life and having her dad are two separate things. In your last post it sounds like you are making the case for why she should move with her mom...

ITA!!!!!!!!! You have to see the difference, don't you?

CurlyQ284 · June 2013

If you want SD to move away, just admit it. Geez, why are you even posting if you've already packed SDs bags for her?

If you want to DO something about it, you need to change your thought process. Your DH isn't taking SD away from her mother. Mother is CHOOSING to LEAVE her daughter behind for her husbands job. Period. Its that simple. Your DH didn't actively choose anything, his ex and her husband are doing this with FULL KNOWLEDGE of the court order and what it will mean for your husband. You and your DH do not need to feel guilty for anything and you should fight to keep SD with you...unless you don't want her, then by all means sign away your approval.

kare_bear_12 · June 2013

Please don't take our trying to be civil and working with the ex and her husband as us just giving away my SD. I was so upset to hear this and even the thought bring me to tears. I see your points regarding getting it in writing that we do not agree to have her move. I will talk with DH and see what he thinks.

I have to trust my husband and work with him that whatever decisions are made, they are not made in the interest of ourselves, even though as human nature, we want to be selfish. All parents involved only want the best for SD. I have always made it clear to my DH that the fighting issues btw him and his ex are their issues. I support my husbands choices, but he also does listen to my input when any decisions are made. The next step for us is for all 4 parents to sit down and discuss if and whenever they might have a choice to move based on his job.

MrsHetzel · June 2013

kare_bear_12:
Please don't take our trying to be civil and working with the ex and her husband as us just giving away my SD.

Three things:

1. Even with a divorce agreement, if the ex can make an argument that this new job will improve the quality of life for SD, a judge will allow the relocation.

2. A judge will not want to separate SD from her siblings, even if it means moving her farther from her father. Judges take sibling relationships very seriously.

3. Ignore the super negative comments. Your post didn't read like you are happy to get rid of your SD just bc you aren't sure taking her away from her mother is the only way to go. If I've learned anything from my situation with my SD, and from what I see with a lot of separated parents, fathers understand when the break up happens that they get the shaft when it comes to custody compared to the mothers. And they have to fight tooth and nail for what they DO get. And sometimes, fighting tooth and nail is actually more detrimental to the children involved.

I can't advise you on what to do, bc this could be a great chance for your SD if the money is that much better, but it comes with sacrifices too. I hope you guys come to a conclusion that works best for everyone involved.

karatechrissy · June 2013

I am hard pressed to accept the argument of 'if the money is better it is better for SD to go'

Really? Is she clothed? Is she fed? I assume she isn't walking around in shreds of clothes... More money vs being with her father aren't even a comparison... That is the biggest crock of shiiiit I've ever heard.

OP I don't thin you sound like you want to send her on her way, but you seem to be very willing to letting her go. Kids need their parents. Both of them. If this were my situation, my husband wouldn't think twice about getting a lawyer to protect himself our family if this was even a possibility. You say you have no children as siblings. Well, what happens if you get pg? Your child will have no relationship w his or her sister besides holidays. How sad. Idk. I think you need to take into consideration how this will pan out later on rather than looking at the here and now. I know my husband would fight to the ends of the earth to keep SS with us. It isn't YOUR fault that BM wants to move.

MommyEllenSue · June 2013

kare_bear_12:
Ilumine:
What if this goes through. DH is so torn because on one hand, we let them move with DD, then we barely see her and miss out on her primitive teen years of growing up. If we decline and don't let them go, we are stopping her husband from having a better career and providing for the family and our DD. Also if we don't let them go, the Ex will hold it against us forever and make life difficult. What would you do if you had to choose?
Why are these your two options?  Even as the NCP, your immediate default is that the FATHER must lose out?
You can and should offer up taking full custody.  
We all try really hard to work together so that SD has 4 solid parents. We are both not the type to fight and make things ugly. If we have to, we will get a lawyer, but we are not to that point yet.We have already made it clear to his ex that we have a legal right to decline and need to be consulted on every decision or we will make it a legal battle if they don't.
We say this because SD has 3 younger siblings(ages 6, 4, 2) that we would never want to take her from as well. We do not have kids of our own yet. Also I know DH would never take SD away from her mother. She has solid parents in her mom and step dad as well. She would never be missing a male figure if they moved.
 

It's not a male figure that matters in her life. It's having a Dad!

hopanka · June 2013

ITA with MrsHetzel. You sound very level headed and mature. I still think that you should be ready with the letter because it seems like they are moving, SF is probably just buying time and doesn't want you guys up in arms, so he is pacifying you a little. Or his promotion may not be a done deal, so he doesn't want unnecessary conflict when its not even for sure. I would Stijl be ready because it looks like the wheels may be in motion. I think it's very refreshing that you are taking a stance of support, rather than the fore front. There are quite a few SM's on here who are real ball busters and FIGHTING for custody and time is the only word they know. The fact that it puts kids through hell is irrelevant to them. Your H may very well be thinking along the lines of what MrsHetzel was saying and I applaud you that you are not forcing anything other than what HE wants for his DD. Look, you guys have an amicable relationship between the four adults, it seems, and so a sit down is definitely the right first step. Who knows, they may end up very understanding and you may come up with a plan. It may be less time than its now for you, but what if SF pays for her travel expenses...I don't know...once a month for a long weekend with you guys, also they may let you have all kinds of holidays entirely, the whole summer break...etc. It is ultimately better, if you all are able to stay civil and your SD will continue to be well adjusted. Don't listen to all the negatives. She is not going to hate her dad because he didn't FIGHT for her, she will appreciate all her parents love her and want to successfully co-parent with one another.

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