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Opinions on what to do?

emme022emme022 member
in Blended Families

So of you may remember my posts about SO and BM wanting 2 of his days for her sisters wedding(which he is more than willing to give in exchange for 2 days).  He has given at this point 5 possible options spanning end of june through beginning of September( they both have 2 week of vaca to use throughout the year, BM's end up being 26 days and SO is 10(other vaca taken during another part of the year) and they have 50/50 so there are not a lot of days during the summer) and all of them have been denied by BM, he first set a deadline for when she needed to let him know dates and she essentially told him well I don't know when I will let you have time but it is a wedding and there is nothing you can do about it.  She then also wrote him a letter letting him know that this was her biological sisters wedding and that previous events he had requested she accommodate( that she had denied) involved either his step or half sister so therefore were not as important, which I was kind of surprised to see her say. 

He responded back with a comment about how he does not view his siblings as less or more and that that is how he is raising LO and she is free to feel about it as she likes and also let her know again that dates he was available to exchange and a time he needed to know by(which was todays drop off). 

She gave him a letter today and wrote that none of the options he gave work for her because she was busy all of those time but offered 2 other times 1 of which ends up being the days before july 4th which since BM has that holiday and added her vaca onto it SO decided to go visit his family out of state and the other 2 dates are during a weekend but basically end up making SO do extra driving since although they are supposed to do equal driving SO has been doing all the driving since the settlement(because it said father will do the driving until BM has a vehicle or regular access so she has made sure to keep her name off of any titles etc and apparently pics of the car and her writing she sometimes drives is isnt proof) so he does not really want to do the back and forth and feels it isn't great for LO to go to her mom for less than 24hrs and then go back to dad again since she seems to have adjusted to things as they are. 

 

So basically question is do you think SO is unreasonable in repeating that these are the dates that work for him(he has listed 1 set in june, 2 in july, 1 in august and 1 in sept(the dates she wants are in sept) to trade) and the others do not work for him?  The other problem is that he works full time(BM does not she feels(in her own words) that being a SAHM is her right and her childrens fathers and the state should support her so she can live how she wants"(she had a second child 11 months after separating from SO) and so he is trying very hard to be home and plan fun things/seeing his fam who lives near the beach etc as much as often so he needs to know sooner rather than later what the schedule will be ya know?

I dunno should he take what she is offering even though it is in exchange for days of his that she wants and they don't work for him or let her know that these are the dates that work for me take them or leave them?

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Re: Opinions on what to do?

  • ldmessingldmessing member

    here is my take on the whole situation.  it is the BM time, she makes the call, if having the child at the wedding was so important, the bride & groom would have scheduled it when the child could be there

     

    harsh I know, but you are going to have a rough life until the kid turns 18 if you continue to nitpick over things like this.

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  • cole2144cole2144 member
    You gave her more than enough options, it is on her if she refuses. Your DH is being flexible and she is trying to take advantage.
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  • Sunday924Sunday924 member
    If BM doesn't want to take any of the options he offered then DD doesn't go to the wedding. Simple. She sounds like she is being difficult because she can. I can't believe she would write out the whole sibling half sibling thing!
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  • Lavender PLavender P member
    She was the one that needs the favor and should be accommodating him in return. You can't demand time that isn't yours then turn down every option of when he can get it back. Okay, well she can do it, but that makes her a b!tch.
    "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu
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  • Amanda88Amanda88 member
    I would stick to my guns. He gave her reasonable dates to choose from. Take it or leave it. If she wants LO for the wedding she will be an adult and choose a date your SO said works for him.
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  • 2chatter2chatter member

    This is all an attention seeking game IMO.  He needs to end this by being more controlled in communication and responses.  For any swap, the response could be "In exchange for July 1-2 please advise if you would prefer my make up time to be August 1-2, September 1-2 or July 29-30.  If none of these dates are acceptable I do not agree to an exchange of time and DD will be with me July 1-2."

    Then don't engage.  BM used to seriously quibble with DH in 15 emails, three screaming phone calls, 19 voice mails....over 15 minutes on Friday.  He cut out all that communication and forced her to either get focused or frankly eff off with her insanity and demands.

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  • Banana44Banana44 member

    I have to be honest - my opinion is a little different.

    We have 50/50 custody and I think that "time swapping" is a bit ridiculous in this situation.  There are many times when an event occurs that can't be planned based on schedules.  In our family recently it has been - Communion, Mother/son baseball game, family reunion, birthdays.

    There needs to be better give and take. SS just came to his cousins (step cousin if you want to be exact) Communion - it was on BM's time there was no make up time - it was the right thing to do.  SS also went to the Mother/Son PTO Baseball game.  It was on my DH's time - there was no make-up time - it was the right thing to do.

    I would also like to add that we have a horrible relationship with BM and are actually in the process of ending up in court over 1 vacation day - but in terms of realizing that the right thing for the child is to be at these events and make-up time is nearly impossible and annoying in 50/50 situations - we both agree.

    My opinion - take what you get even if it is inconvenient for DH.  The child should be at the wedding.  Is it really worth all this stress and fighting when you have shared custody to begin with? 

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  • SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
    imageBanana44:
    I have to be honest my opinion is a little different.We have 50/50 custody and I think that "time swapping" is a bit ridiculous in this situation. nbsp;There are many times when an event occurs that can't be planned based on schedules. nbsp;In our family recently it has been Communion, Mother/son baseball game, family reunion, birthdays.There needs to be better give and take. SS just came to his cousins step cousin if you want to be exact Communion it was on BM's time there was no make up time it was the right thing to do. nbsp;SS also went to the Mother/Son PTO Baseball game. nbsp;It was on my DH's time there was no makeup time it was the right thing to do.I would also like to add that we have a horrible relationship with BM and are actually in the process of ending up in court over 1 vacation day but in terms of realizing that the right thing for the child is to be at these events and makeup time is nearly impossible and annoying in 50/50 situations we both agree.My opinion take what you get even if it is inconvenient for DH. nbsp;The child should be at the wedding. nbsp;Is it really worth all this stress and fighting when you have shared custody to begin with?nbsp;


    In our situation we also don't do makeup time unless it really make sense and works out easily. For example, if XH needs the kids for a day on my time for a family event and the following week I have a day off during his time, I may ask if I can have that day in exchange. Otherwise we just leave it be and figure each of us is going to need extra time sometimes so why bother trying to find a day months down the road to make it up. It's just a big headache.

    I will say however, the give and take only works when both parents can agree for it to be that way.
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