New Here,

Hi all, I've just started looking at this forum and I must admit, its finally a relief to see that there are other women out there just as frustrated & suffering the daily disappointments that I do.

My journey started out quite normally. I gave birth to DS by c-section (he was breech) in 2010. I never even considered that getting pregnant might be difficult, my pregnancy was easy. I was one of 'those' women who loved being pregnant and thought I knew what was going on.

In 2011 we decided to try again and I got pregnant on the first go. Here I was basking in how great we were doing and then bam. At my first 10 week appt she couldn't find a heartbeat and a week later, the week before thanksgiving, I finally miscarried. I say finally, because the scans showed the fetus died around 7 weeks. I was disappointed, but   in my mind, I said "It happens to almost everyone. It will be fine next time".

But next times didn't come. I tried naturopathy, homeopathy, acupuncture... finally, a year later (exactly) I got pregnant again. And despite supplementing with progesterone, I miscarried- almost to the day as I had the year before. No one can tell me why i'm not getting pregnant, let alone why I'm miscarrying. I am pregnant again and already I'm spotting and while I want with all my heart to believe that this will be the one- my gut tells me it won't.

No one tells you that just because the first was fine- it does not mean others will be easy or normal. No one tells you how when you're trying so hard EVERYONE else will be pregnant. No one tells you how many people will tell you that they're pregnant with their second, third or fourth and they didn't really want it, weren't trying and how maddening that feels. No one tells you that the real knife in the heart is when you're LO asks if they can have a baby sister.

I don't know a single person personally that has struggled with infertility of any kind. I'm so sick of people asking when I'm going to have another. And even more sick of the people who think I should be happy with what I have. Why do well meaning people tell me I've "just got to relax and let it happen". Or tell me "not to worry, of course it will happen again, you've just have to stop worrying about it".

I don't know how to let go of this dream. I feel like my family is incomplete and each loss is another hole in my heart. But I don't want to feel this pain anymore, I just don't know how to stop wanting it.

I've read how some have been able to come to terms with their infertility and have moved on and I just wish I could get there too.

Thank-you for letting me vent, I know none of my friends get it.