- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
whse13kittens
member
New and seeking advice
whse13kittens
member
Hi...I lurk around here a lot, finally signed up for an account today because I need some perspective. I am dating a man with 2 kids 15 and 11, both boys. We have been together for 1 1/2 years and are living together. We see his boys every weekend during the school year and as often as we can during the summer we just got visitation schedule for this summer and it works out to about a week 1/2 per month, broken up into several visits. The boys live with their mom about 45 minutes away from us.
BM and I used to have a cordial relationship...not overly friendly but we would see each other at events for the boys and be able to sit near each other and say hello with no major issues. My SO handles all communication with her regarding the kids, and most of the pickups and dropoffs I ride along sometimes and have gone once or twice on my own, but that is rare. After he moved in with me in April and we had our one year anniversary, though, things soured quite a bit and she has been rather hostile towards me. Nothing changed in my relationship with the boys my SO asked them if they were okay moving and with me and they agreed and my SO still handles 99.9 of everything...no CO's changed, no CS changed...just his location of home and the fact that we were "officially" a "longterm" couple.
I asked her the other day to speak with me about any issues she has with me because I do not want there to be a lot of issues with us. She said the issues she has are because I am more mature for my age than she expected I am younger than my SO by about 10 years and that I am financially able to do things with her boys that she can not she is a SAHM, a very good one, while I work 2 jobs when we do not have the kids. Other than quitting my jobs and magically changing my birthdate, these are things I can not change.
My question is, what can I do to make things easier? Is there anything? I try not to flaunt any extra money we have but yes, we can take the boys to the movie or out to eat when often she can not. Should I stop going when my SO takes the boys to do these things, even if they ask me to go along? There are sometimes they go out alone, they need time with just their dad. Any suggestions are welcome...
BM and I used to have a cordial relationship...not overly friendly but we would see each other at events for the boys and be able to sit near each other and say hello with no major issues. My SO handles all communication with her regarding the kids, and most of the pickups and dropoffs I ride along sometimes and have gone once or twice on my own, but that is rare. After he moved in with me in April and we had our one year anniversary, though, things soured quite a bit and she has been rather hostile towards me. Nothing changed in my relationship with the boys my SO asked them if they were okay moving and with me and they agreed and my SO still handles 99.9 of everything...no CO's changed, no CS changed...just his location of home and the fact that we were "officially" a "longterm" couple.
I asked her the other day to speak with me about any issues she has with me because I do not want there to be a lot of issues with us. She said the issues she has are because I am more mature for my age than she expected I am younger than my SO by about 10 years and that I am financially able to do things with her boys that she can not she is a SAHM, a very good one, while I work 2 jobs when we do not have the kids. Other than quitting my jobs and magically changing my birthdate, these are things I can not change.
My question is, what can I do to make things easier? Is there anything? I try not to flaunt any extra money we have but yes, we can take the boys to the movie or out to eat when often she can not. Should I stop going when my SO takes the boys to do these things, even if they ask me to go along? There are sometimes they go out alone, they need time with just their dad. Any suggestions are welcome...
This discussion has been closed.
Re: New and seeking advice
I think it's a good sign she is self aware and open to sharing her issues with you. It is not your job to solve these issues for her. She can decide to grow as a person or not; you have no control over that. Live your life, and don't ever add fuel to the fire (I am assuming you are not writing in birthday cards "we got you this because we know your mom cannot).
You shouldn't change anything. If you can, continue being polite. If you can't, then just be as civil or neutral as possible.
It's just hard, right? I don't know what XH's household income is compared to mine & DH's. But I do know that he spends what he makes (so lots of movies, dinners, theme parks, whatever toys DS wants) whereas we like having a healthy savings acct + we save for bigger stuff (like I am knee deep in plotting a 3-week trip to Europe for the kids in a couple years). But in the day-to-day, it feels to DS like XH spends more money on him. As a BM & CP it's sometimes hard to deal with the fall out of that.
She might get over it, and she might not. But it's your money to spend how you like.
I am working on the not feeling bad thing on my end, and am doing my best to not flaunt things we do with the kids. At the same time, I'll never tell them they can't tell their mom things that we do or are planning to do, especially when I would need/want her permission to take them somewhere example: they want to visit Canada, and we're discussing making that our big vacation next year. For that we need passports and her permission.
You have nothing to feel bad about or fix. Nor should you have to do anything to make things easier. Those insecure and jealous feelings are hers.
I would keep being cordial and polite. You cannot choose how others feel towards you. I know that things would be easier if she didn't feel that way. Things would be easier for me if ice cream and alcohol made me lose weight, but hey, we can't always get what we want.
Thanks for validating me, I guess, haha. I honestly wasn't looking for validation, I was almost sure there was something I could do to make things better. Guess I'll just keep on working on not feeling bad and being friendly and see where it goes.