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Holly_1007
member
How would you guys handle this?
Holly_1007
member
Apparently my SD thought it would be a great idea to strip naked in the library yesterday at school.
BM called DH and told him she got a call from the principal about it. We have been reinforcing privacy for 6+ months now at our house. Having her close her bedroom door when she gets changed etc.
BM told us that SD thinks it is funny to run around their house naked, opens the bathroom door when people are using the bathroom etc. BM is scared of being the bad guy, so she pretty much never yells at SD.
DH flipped out at BM because she has a ton of stuff planned for SD this summer, including a week long Vaca with her grandparents. BM has been threatening to take away the vaca because of SD's behavior, but DH and I both know she won't actually cancel it. DH called BM on it and BM just had one excuse after another. DH was finally like "Look, if you're not going to follow through on the punishment, then don't threaten to take it away!" She just doesn't get it.
So I don't even know what SD's punishment is going to be at her mom's house, We have SD tomorrow for a few hours and then not again until next weekend, so DH and I aren't really sure how to punish her. Next weekend is her birthday, so we have the water park planned, I'm not sure if we should cancel it? Postpone it?
I'm literally nauseous at the thought of my SD stripping naked in the library. I don't know what to do. Any input?
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Re: How would you guys handle this?
BFP #1 11/07/2012 EDD 07/09/2013 M/C 11/22/2012
BFP #2 02/05/2013 EDD 09/19/2013 Arrived via c-section 09/27/2013
BFP #1 11/07/2012 EDD 07/09/2013 M/C 11/22/2012
BFP #2 02/05/2013 EDD 09/19/2013 Arrived via c-section 09/27/2013
yeah.. how old is she? My DH had this issue with oldest SD when she was 15. She would take off her shirt when she got to school and wear and undershirt with her bra and boobs hanging out and got in to trouble, she flashed the principal when told to pull her shirt up.
6yo SD from BM#2 got into trouble in kindergarten for dirty dancing like a stripper bc BM thought it was cute and fun to teach SD's this at home.
I think the punishment really depends on the age.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
Wow, at 7 years old, stripping naked in the library is not okay. While I applaud her comfort with her body (very rare in today;s society) there is a time and a place and that is not it.
I would cancel the water park without a second thought and impose restrictions as to TV/video games, etc. for the next few visits.
I am the "bad guy" between our two houses for SS11 becuase I'm the only one who will stick to the consequences but as much as he grumbles about the punishments, he's never once held any of it against me. He and I actually have a better relationship then he does with DH sometimes.
Why would BM cancel a vacation weeks from now because of a single incident of acting out? I am relatively strict, and that wouldn't even occur to me.
I'd call the pediatrician and explain the incident and see what the pedi says. What are some possible things that could cause her do have done this? Is this sort of behavior indicative of anything?
I'd talk to SD and see what she has to say for herself. Does she think what she did was okay? Did she do it because someone told her to? Does she feel bad about what happened? Would she do it again?
The only consequence I'd dole out immediately would be writing her teacher & principal notes of apology.
With her being close to 7 I wouldn't postpone the waterpark, personally. But I would definitely keep a close eye on her. And let her know ahead of time that that kind of behavior is extremely unacceptable. You obviously can't sontrol what goes on in BM's home but when she is with you guys, SD needs to know her boundaries.
If it were my SD or even my DD I would go through with the waterpark, and if she decided to do it after being told not to, simply leave. That way she knows that you are serious about consequences
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
BM has been threatening to take away the vaca practically since she booked it. She cannot control SD at ALL. SD has been acting out for over a year now and BM just keeps reapeating the same punishment (removing SD's toys and restricting TV time) Despite the fact that she is threatening other more drastic punishments, she never follows through with them.
We will definitely be having a discussion with SD about the specifics, as I'm sure BM will, I guess SD was already lectured by the principal and the nurse.
I don't think notes of apology are appropriate from myself or DH, BM does her absolute best to have us NOT included in what goes on at school, and encourages everyone to treat us as outcasts.
EDIT: I read that wrong, I think it is a great idea to have SD write apology notes, thanks for the suggestion!
All I know is, it WASN'T at my house.
Some acting out is normal. But that's a lot of really terrible parenting from BM.
BM doesn't have to have anything to do with you having SD write apology notes. If I were you, I'd hand deliver them and take that opportunity to have a chat with the teacher.
BTW I would not take away the water park thing. At your SD's age, I don't think a punishment weeks from now would be very effective.
I've been encourging therapy for over a year, but I'm just the SM, no one listens to me.
DH convinced the teacher to have her see the guidance counselor twice a month at school, but he never updated me on how that was going.
I agree that the counseling thing is a very good idea. It seems like it's in the child's best interest and If BM isn't on board with this, take it to court and put into a c/o.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
I would be more worried about what it "means" than the punishment, but I would also be thinking about what an appropriate response is. Maybe step one really is just a conversation. "So, what happened in the librbary?" "What were you thinking about?" "How did you feel?" those sorts of really general really open ended questions might help.
I might go with a punishment that fits the "crime" for this one....like, you have to wear jeans and furry boots to school tomorrow to remind you that clothes should be ON not OFF.....or...... you just lost the privelege of choosing your clothes when you are with us for the next three times. We will choose your clothes so you remember to keep them on (and choose those random clothes she likes least).
Am I the only one thinking how on earth did a kid strip naked in the library at school without being noticed?
No. That's exactly where my mind went as well. I told DH that maybe SD should come live with us and go to the school in our town, which is one of the top 5 schools in our state. He is trying to arrange a meeting with the principal today or tomorrow to figure out exactly what happened.
Absolutely. I have been saying since the DD's diagnosis that SD was NOT doing well. She is learning her sisters behaviors, seeking attention by screaming, throwing tantrums, and stripping naked. I'm not going to sit here and say that my family is perfect and so much better than BM, but it is alarmingly obvious that BM CANNOT handle these children. and IMO if the autistic DD is having that much of a NEGATIVE influence on my SD's life, then we should absolutely be awarded custody. DH has a meeting with his attorney in 2 weeks already (because we have been trying to go back to court forever anyway) So I'm encouraging DH to modify his request. SD's behavior is escalating out of control. We are just lucky she didn't get herself expelled (yet).
My SD's half sister at BM's house is severely Autistic. She is almost 3 and developmentally at an 18 month old level. She is also non verbal. She requires a LOT of attention (30+ hrs of EI a week) and If I had to guess my SD is picking up on the autistic childs attention seeking behaviors. It is awful. BM told us that SD screamed at the top of her lungs for over an hour yesterday while the other DD had her EI meeting.
You're going too far here. The fact that your SD has an autistic sibling who is negatively influencing her behavior is not a reason to change custody.
You really need to step back and look at the entire picture. Your husband seems to be putting forth a lot more effort here over the past few months. But you have posted here so many times about your frustration that he does not do more. I don't want to beat a dead horse, but the man was ready to walk away not long ago. How can you seriously consider both walking away and full custody within the same year?
So when we're talking about a lack of effective parenting, BM is not the only one who is at fault here. Your SD has had two parents neglecting their role. Period.
Even if YH is stepping up NOW, it is going to take time to repair some of the damage. And with god knows what happening at BM's, YH basically has double duty.
Ita. And I still question your dh's commitment honestly. Why can he not meet w his lawyer for two weeks? When I had a active case going on w major issues I could always get an apr within days. Your last lawyer strung you along with no results for over a year iirc. If this is happening again maybe the problem is not the lawyer.
Also if my dc did something like this I would email exh an say "this happened. I am very concerned. I am takin her to therapy on x day." Let him take me to court for contempt after the fact of he does not agree. Is your dh doing the same thing? Regarding therapy you said "I am just the sm no one listens to me". This may be so, but is your dh supportive of therapy and is he getting her into it? IMO after behavior like this, no excuses for not getting her into therapy are acceptable. Let bm take you to court if she disagrees. Any judge would agree you are doing the right thing. But I have a feeling your dh just doesn't care to put in the effort... Hope I'm wrong.
The horse is dead fellis. My DH was never NOT an active role in my SD's life. He contemplated leaving, assessed the situation and realized that it was NOT in my SD's best interest. SD or BM never knew about it. DH has never neglected his role as a parent in my SD's life.
Also, in the same year, my SD has spiraled out of control. From throwing massive kicking screaming hour long tantrums in her mothers front yard, making up the most elaborate lies in which she can't tell her asss from her elbow, falling drastically behind in her school work, to stripping naked in the library. a LOT can change in a year.
We have been trying to go back to court for over a year now to get more time with SD, and to modify our agreement. We truly do not know what is in SD's best interest. She is clearly desperate for her mothers attention, so is it really right to take her away from her mother? I don't know. DH doesn't know. We really need someone on the outside to take a look at the entire situation and assess what is in SD's best interest. BM is in la-la land, thinking that (the above) is normal behavior, she is so oblivious to the impact her Autistic DD is having on my SD that she decided to go get pregnant again. I cannot even imagine how an ever-demanding infant is going to weigh on SD's behavior. Is she going to resort to potty-training regression? Wake up all hours of the night screaming? I really don't know.
Again, I'm not sitting here saying BM is the devil and DH and I are saints, by any means. But SOMETHING needs to be done before this girl ends up expelled, or in a ridiculously dangerous situation, or god knows where in 5-8 years.
Holly, you are totally right w your last point. IMO as an outsider at least, it seems that your dh consistently has this hesitance to do what needs to be done and it's sad. Reading your response to felles about the other changes in your sd's behavior, it is SO CLEAR that she needs pro help. It is so sad that neither of her parents will step up and do what is right for her. This is her life. She needs help. It's just sad.
I think I would be so angry at my dh that he would not help his child if I were in your shoes.
(trimmed the tree)
I am. I am SO frustrated. I really want what is best for my SD, but as a SM I have practically NO say in how she is raised. I'm alarmed by her behavior in the past year. I do research, proof-read e-maisl and documents for DH, but ultimately HE needs to take certain steps. I told him about a week ago that I wanted to go to this meeting with the attorney so that I got MY questions answered, after that, I'm completely stepping away from the situation. I'm literally sick to my stomach at my SD's behavior. She can be such a sweet child, I don't understand why she is behaving this way. I cannot stress myself out about this anymore. I have done everything I can to help my DH and give him all the tools and information to go back to court and to figure out what is right for my SD, and I will continue to support him and help him when he asks for help, but I'm done pushing him on the issue. If he wants to go 6 wks without talking to his attorney, fine by me. When he tries to complain about the transportation issue, I'm not even going to listen to him.
Ok, we're back to the being insensitive to autism thing again. Holly, please do research it migh actually help your SD more than you think.
I just want you to be aware that just because SD hasn't been diagnosed with anything doesn't mean she doesn't have issues of her own and that her sister isn't necessarily causing them. Autism along with other comorbids run in families. My own DD was not diagnosed with Asperger's until 7 which was early. She threw tantrums at that age. She also didn't know the social rules.
I'm not saying SD has an ASD, but it IS possible along with a myriad of other issues which is why she needs professional help.
Also on the school thing, if you request in writing for an assessment they can't deny that. TALKING to teachers, counselors, ect. does not require them to perform testing. A request in writing and mailed (most likely to the special education director) does because it is a law, but honestly, I think she needs to see someone who can do more thorough testing such as neuropyschologist.
And I would be asking why the school did not notice her undressing.
Holly, please don't think that I'm attacking you. In terms of all the people parenting your SD, I think you might be the only one who has their head screwed on at all.
But I'd still maintain that BOTH YH and BM are failing her. You say your husband is committed to her. How do you figure? He hasn't put her in therapy. He hasn't intervened into what is clearly a dysfunctional environment at BM's. You yourself wonder how much he is just humoring you. I get that none of you know what the right thing is, but you know that what's happening now isn't working.
Being an active parent (and honestly, I don't even know what that means) is not enough when your child is in crisis. You have to do the hard things. You can't worry about rocking the boat; it's already sinking!
If no one is listening to you, I honestly don't know if there's much of a point in you doing anything. But I'd think you could certainly call her pediatrician, describe her behavior, and see if the pedi thinks she needs therapy. Maybe hearing it from a third party would help YH.
And I agree w/ Sigir--when it's gotten this bad, you take her to therapy and apologize later if you have to.
Thanks Fellis. The pediatrician won't talk to me, as a SM not a bioparent it violates HIPPA. If I bring her to counseling myself I have to pay OOP. I do NOT have it. I can't make money appear out of thin air. I pushed DH to at least get her seeing the guidance counselor in school this year, and I guess she is going to go 3x a week until school is out (2 more weeks) but I agree with everyone she needs to go. I will be riding DH hard about it, and hopefully something will sink he. He is scared of BM. It is so dumb.
How else can I push for her to be in counseling if I don't have the money to pay for it myself? Can I add SD to our health insurance even though she is covered by BM? and then not tell anyone about it and use it for counseling? There would still be the co-pay that I would have to come up with, but $20 a week is way more reasonable than $200.
Eta I don't advocate lying about this to your dh, just wish something could be done for this child. What does the bm have on your dh that he is so afraid of her? I always got the feeling it was just general antipathy on his part, not fear.