When to tell step-child about new baby...

mrschandradennis · June 2013

My step-daughter is coming to stay with us for two weeks starting Friday then again for another two-weeks at the end of July. I'm pregnant with our first child (step-child has a younger brother by birth mom). Anyways my question is when should we tell her?

She is a daddy's girl and being that she only sees him every other weekend I'm afraid she is not going to take the news well. That and I'm worried about telling her before the 12 week mark because if something happens then we have to explain that to her. Plus once she knows then her mom will know which means everybody will know.

Originally we wanted to take her to the 8-week ultrasound with us but I'm not sure if that's a good idea or not. My husband wants to tell her right away but I'm worried...

Any advice would be appreciated.

Ilumine · June 2013

I am not trying to sound mean or scary, but you are not even at the 8 week mark. So you need to wait until the baby is truly viable

Hopeforthebest · June 2013

Take this with a grain of salt, as I do not have bio children and will not.

But in an alternative universe if I were going to have a child, and depending on the Step child's age of course, I'd wait as long as humanly possible. Till I was showing even maybe. A)The further along hopefully less chance of anything bad happening B)Buying myself more time to plan, enjoy stress free, etc before any crazy ex games C) smoothly and quietly feeling out the step child and how I think they are going to react and counteracting it BEFORE it happens. Play dates with friends that have babies; gauging reaction/touch/sensitivity.

All that may be awful and selfish advice, but yeah I think that is the route I'd go.

MrsHetzel · June 2013

Agree with PP. Wait until at least 12 weeks. We waited to tell my SD until we were sure things were all going well. Also good to keep in mind that as soon as she knows, BM knows and so does anyone she chooses to tell. And in my personal opinion, we've kept my SD as much involved in the pregnancy as she wants to be, since its her first little sibling, but we haven't brought her to doctor appts bc it just doesn't seem appropriate for a child to be there. And the last thing I want is as a FTM, find out less than great news at an appt and have a meltdown in front of my SD.

Pamelacake · June 2013

Ilumine:
I am not trying to sound mean or scary, but you are not even at the 8 week mark. So you need to wait until the baby is truly viable

I fully agree with this. All of my SK's live with DH so they knew early on and now that I had a m/c the youngest SD's don't understand that there is no baby.

fellesferie · June 2013

Definitely no to taking her to the 8-week ultrasound. If you get any news at all other than exactly what you expect, having another child there will only make it more intense or stressful.

We told DS about DD when I was about 13 weeks. And we told XH at right about that same time. We waited until the 2nd tri and after I'd had an NT scan.

When we told him we made it all about him. Less 'mommy is having a baby' and more 'you're getting a little brother or sister.' We talked a lot about how much the baby would love him and look up to him.

mrschandradennis · June 2013

Thanks for all the replies! Everyone said pretty much how I was really feeling that we needed to wait to tell her. Guess I just needed to hear it from a bunch of people so that it really sunk in.

I also really liked the idea about making it more about her being a big sister (again). So I think I'm going to run with that idea and put a little "big sister" package together for her.

Another question, should I tell the ex? We don't get along by any means and don't talk at all for the most part (long story). Is the etiquette for me to tell her or is it fine if my step-daughter does.

fellesferie · June 2013

For the most part, it isn't good for the (step)child to play messenger. So unless she is a total wackadoo who will somehow use the information to persecute you, you should probably just tell her.

I told XH about the same time I told DS, and I tried to make it relevant to him. I just said when the baby was due, and that we wanted to make sure DS would be here to meet his sibling.

mrschandradennis · June 2013

Wow..had no idea there are ultrasound places. That's outside of the normal doctor? How would I find that place...I really like that idea.

So it's settled I will wait until after the first trimester to let both the ex and my step-daughter know.

I really appreciated the advice guys!

Llynch0426 · June 2013

Wow this post read my mind today! Congrats on the pregnancy! Similar boat as you: husband has 2 daughters ages 5 9 from previous marriage, we just found out I'm only about 56 weeks along.
My biggest concern was, when do we tell them. They spend about 6 weeks total in the summer with us then again over thanksgiving and Xmas they live several states away. I was thinking right at the end of the summer visit? Clearly when they come for thanksgiving I'm going to be showing....I think this part is more difficult than me telling my husband :

Alohalove · June 2013

I waiting until I was almost 6 months before I told my step-kids. I know!! It seems extreme. But, I wanted to wait until I knew that the baby was ok and I wanted a psycho nut-case (their mother) to not know as long as possible. I don't regret my decision.

mrschandradennis · June 2013

I hear you about not wanting the ex to know. I would love to not tell her but everybody that posted is right she should hear it from us before she hears it from the her daughter.

I talked to my husband about this on our walk and let him know that I really felt like we needed to wait. I explained that once she knows then the ex knows. He said he really wanted to tell her but would wait until after 12 weeks. He said "but it's really going to be hard because I catch myself slipping about the baby when other people are around". Just what I wanted to hear! My husband excited for the baby.

I'm hoping that with all the activities we have planned for when she is here that will help with the baby brain that both him and I have.

Alohalove · June 2013

Alohalove:
I waiting until I was almost 6 months before I told my step-kids. I know!! It seems extreme. But, I wanted to wait until I knew that the baby was ok and I wanted a psycho nut-case (their mother) to not know as long as possible. I don't regret my decision.

I forgot to add this:

Congrats on the pregnancy!!!

irishgirl0525 · June 2013

Just echoing what other posters have said. We just went through this recently and we didn't tell my SDs until I was 13 weeks. I had a m/c in December so I was pretty tight-lipped about the pregnancy with everyone until 13 weeks. Aside from waiting to see if the pregnancy if viable, close to 40 weeks is an awfully long time for a kid to be waiting for the baby to come. If you wait until 3 months or so, at least they don't have to wait so long. I'm getting impatient and I'm the one carrying the baby

Congratulations on the pregnancy!

emikat · June 2013

The first time I got pregnant, DH got excited and told SS early (before 12 weeks) despite my hesitation to do so. I had a loss that pregnancy and therefore we had to explain that to SS and of course BM was aware. This pregnancy I insisted we wait until after our anatomy scan, so we told SS around 20 week. There is plenty of time to tell her. I would wait until you are at least past the first trimester if you would like the avoid the chances as much as possible to have to deal with a loss and telling everyone. SS is very excited to meet his new brother even though he is an only child to both DH and BM. I think when you do tell your SD, and you can present it as positive as possible that would make it easiest. Kids adapt and feed off of you guys.

devbarrie · June 2013

My SO has short visitation with his daughter. Her birth mother has since remarried and had 2 other children. To this day, 7.5 years after they broke up, she continues to make our lives miserable. We found out about her siblings and when she moved through SD and not BM. This is my first pregnancy and I'm bursting at the seams to tell family and friends, including SD. SO wants to wait until at least 14 weeks, which I support. I'm not sure I can wait 6 months, any suggestions?

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