Seriously at my end with DH!

crene84 · June 2013

I am so upset with DH, I can't even take it anymore. Before he left with DD for Louisiana, he promised me he would not spend all day every day at the hospital with DD (his grandma is sick) nor would he leave her with his mom all day since she has extreme anxiety right now. However, day 1, he leaves DD with his mom for over 5 hours and when I call MIL to see how things are going, DD is wailing..absolutely wailing (which she never does for DH and me btw)...breaking my heart...MIL admits it's rough and she had a hard time giving her a bottle, etc...she was behind on giving her the next bottle and it just sounded a little crazy over there...then I find out DH is leaving DD with MIL AGAIN and this time for 7+ hours! What is wrong with him?

It isn't like I begged him to take DD with him..he asked if he could, I told him how hard it would be, and he promised he wouldn't do this. And what makes it worse is, he completely thinks I'm being irrational (when everyone else I've talked to seems to understand where I'm coming from) and it seems like I'm being so insensitive given the situation, but DD is my priority 1 and I cannot stand being so far away from her, knowing she is having a rough time..she just wants her dad and he's not there for her..it's seriously breaking my heart..

I feel like at this point, I just can't even talk to him anymore..I can't handle his updates making me so angry and upset every day. If only I wasn't preg and could drink!

KellersPrag · June 2013

LoisLayn23:
He wants to spend time with his dying grandmother. I can understand and respect that. Maybe his mother needs to mention to him that she needs help and that your DD needs him. You can't control anything on your end, so there's no point sitting at home and letting your BP rise over it.

Yup, this.

She's his daughter, too - you have to trust his judgment and let him make decisions for her. It's up to his mother to tell him that she's having trouble.

Holly_1007 · June 2013

Ugh I'm so frustrated for you. I wish I had some advice, but I don't, I'm sorry. Hopefully she adjusts to her surroundings quickly and everyone is able to enjoy the trip. He knows how you feel, there is nothing you can really do about it from where you are. You knew she was going to get off schedule, and be around people she didn't know, just let your DH deal with it. She will be home soon enough and you can get back to your routine.

crene84 · June 2013

thechimichanga:
I think I missed it, why didn't you go with him?
If he couldn't bring her to the hospital and he couldn't leave her with her grandmother, what exactly did you expect him to be doing?

I'm throwing up every morning and night with pregnancy, so no way I could fly nor would I feel up to being away from home. He wasn't close with his grandmother so he's admitted he mostly wants to be there for his dad, so he really doesn't need to go to the hospital every day or for such extended periods of time. Regardless, no matter what, I look insensitive, but I told him this would happen and he probably shouldn't take DD, and he promised me that he would not leave her every day, so I'm not only dealing with being angry at him for blatantly breaking his promises, but also incredibly sad for DD. I would think that DH could take a separate car and go to the hospital for just a couple hours each day instead of 7+, especially at the very beginning of their trip when DD is most anxious.

hmp1 · June 2013

I guessing DH's mom doesn't get to see DD much and she wants the time with her. I think you are over reacting. Your DD will get comfortable in the situation. She needs to get to know her grandparents and she needs to get to a point where she is ok being away from you or her father. She is fine, try to relax. And don't make your husband feel guilty when his family is going through a tough time.

MomtobeNJ · June 2013

While I agree that you can't control everything and need to let some things go, I completely understand why you're upset. I would be too. The only thing I can suggest is try explaining to DH that you were already anxious and worried about being away from your DD, but it's REALLY upsetting you now that you see what's going on. Being that you're pregnant, I would hope he could respect that and try to be a little more attentive to DD.

Of course he needs to be there for his dad, help out the family, etc. But I agree - the baby still needs to be his #1 priority. And I would imagine that his family would see that and understand.

ETA: I just wanted to add that since she's in a new place, she's likely to be a little upset and "off" the first few days. I'm sure she'll settle in and feel more comfortable soon.

crene84 · June 2013

thechimichanga:
crene84:
thechimichanga:
I think I missed it, why didn't you go with him?
If he couldn't bring her to the hospital and he couldn't leave her with her grandmother, what exactly did you expect him to be doing?
I'm throwing up every morning and night with pregnancy, so no way I could fly nor would I feel up to being away from home. He wasn't close with his grandmother so he's admitted he mostly wants to be there for his dad, so he really doesn't need to go to the hospital every day or for such extended periods of time. Regardless, no matter what, I look insensitive, but I told him this would happen and he probably shouldn't take DD, and he promised me that he would not leave her every day, so I'm not only dealing with being angry at him for blatantly breaking his promises, but also incredibly sad for DD. I would think that DH could take a separate car and go to the hospital for just a couple hours each day instead of 7+, especially at the very beginning of their trip when DD is most anxious.
Um, yeah, I obviously get why you didn't go.
Your husband needs to get his shiit together and realize she is a baby, and he needs to put her needs first in this situation, even though it sucks with what his dad is going through.
Why did he insist on bringing her? It just sounds like a recipe for disaster, to be honest. DH is a wonderful dad, but I can't imagine he would be capable of caring for her day in and day out while he has other responsibilities there...I assume since he is traveling a distance, she is not familiar with your MIL either.
GAH, I just feel bad for your MIL, you and your LO.

He's seen what a rough pregnancy I've been having and felt bad leaving me for a week so he wanted to take her to give me a break, and honestly, I spent a lot of time telling him exactly what scenarios he'd find himself in but he didn't even hesitate when he told me it'd be fine, he wouldn't need to go to the hospital for long periods of time, he'd make sure DD was comfortable and happy. He also wanted to bring some happiness to a sad situation, which I totally agree with..but yea, he's proven it was a mistake for him to take her. I honestly just need to stop talking to him because every time I do, I find out something that upsets me. It's just hard because I'm sitting here missing them and thinking about DD constantly...he just doesn't get it..

tinyhumantoe · June 2013

I'm sorry

I understand why you feel disappointed, frustrated, and helpless. If you zoom out and look at the big picture, LO is safe and is being cared for with love.

It's only a few days in LO's life that she will not remember. A little variation won't do her any harm, and it could potentially be good for her. If someone called me in the middle of a bad stretch with LO, I'd come across as flustered and frustrated. I'm sure when they got back on track, your LO and MIL were both fine.

Take a deep breath and know that your DH is handling the situation. There is nothing you can do to manage/micromanage it at this point, so if you've let DH know that he seems to be leaving her with his mom more than he initially intended... there is nothing you can do.

And you know what? Though you're missing LO a ton, take advantage of the alone time. Take a nap, girl!

Hyaline · June 2013

Here's the thing--you have to let go a little. He's capable of caring for her, he has relatives who are capable of caring for her, and there is absolutely nothing you can do right now to help. Ask him to call to check in once a day, or twice, or whatever, and then step away from the phone. If she's off her schedule and having a sh!t day because he wasn't paying attention, it's his issue to deal with.

It's not like he's leaving her with a crappy babysitter--he's leaving her with her grandmother, who I am assuming she doesn't get to see very often. Let them handle it.

tinyhumantoe · June 2013

Also, the first time DH took LO was a big deal for him. I had 100 things to criticize, and I started in.... then I stopped. I realized he was doing a fantastic job, and though he does things waaaay differently than I do, who says I'm the law?

I had to let it go and let him figure things out just as I have. He now has 100% confidence taking LO anywhere. He is amazing. Give him a chance. Some things (like loss of a loved one) are bigger than an arbitrary promise he made to you. The situation there may be different than he envisioned.

tinyhumantoe · June 2013

thechimichanga:
Eh. The more I think about it, what her husband is doing is shiity. Initially, I was on the other side, woah overreaction, and then I thought about how I would handle it, and I'd be pissed that he was leaving our child for extended periods of time when I said I did not want that to happen. 3 hours at a time? Sure. 7+ hours every day? Nope, I'd be pissed.
I think most of the frustration comes from the initial discussions of, these are the scenarios that you might be in with her, and he acted all, its no big deal and no I won't do that to DD. You don't bring your 9 month old into a situation where other people are your priorities, IMO.

I think I'd be pissed, don't get me wrong. But at this point, it's about talking yourself through the situation so you can cope with the next few days in a healthier way. Maybe she needs to realize that LO is in good hands, and then speak with him when he returns about why the situation was upsetting and shouldn't happen again in the future.

crene84 · June 2013

I appreciate everyone's input and support..that's why I love these boards.

I agree it's a hard time for DH and his family. I went through something very similar a couple years ago with my grandpa. Hospital, every day, all day...but no DD at the time..it's very painful so I tried to warn DH how hard it would be. I know he doesn't need me arguing with him, giving him a hard time right now..but I just don't know how to sit here, 15 hours away, and not think about DD crying, feeling anxious, for no good reason..there is no need for DH to be spending so much time away especially in the first couple days. I am not asking him to sit with DD 24/7 every day...just to stay as close as possible the first couple days while she adjusts...there are certainly things he could easily be doing differently while still being there for his family. His blatant disregard for the promises he made me hurts...makes me feel like I can't trust him and he has total disregard for my feelings. Again, I know his grandma is ill, but he has a daughter and he needs to balance it out.

bosha711 · June 2013

I agree with chimi. I'd be really upset too.

Regardless of whether or not her husband's situation is different than he envisioned, he made the decision to take their daughter with him. His family needing him more than he thought, or whatever the situation may be, does not change the fact that his daughter is his #1 priority.

And yes, the baby is with the MIL who may be capable of taking care of her, but I would never leave my children with someone they are unfamiliar with for an extended period of time without allowing for a proper transition time. Meaning, I would stay with my children & the new person for a while & then leave them for alone with the new person for short period of time at first. Obviously OP's husband does not have the luxury of doing this in his situation. It sounds like he's pretty much just leaving his daughter with his mom cold turkey.

I'm sad for the baby thinking she's in a strange place with strange people & mommy & daddy are nowhere to be found.

Hyaline · June 2013

crene84:
I appreciate everyone's input and support..that's why I love these boards.
I agree it's a hard time for DH and his family. I went through something very similar a couple years ago with my grandpa. Hospital, every day, all day...but no DD at the time..it's very painful so I tried to warn DH how hard it would be. I know he doesn't need me arguing with him, giving him a hard time right now..but I just don't know how to sit here, 15 hours away, and not think about DD crying, feeling anxious, for no good reason..there is no need for DH to be spending so much time away especially in the first couple days. I am not asking him to sit with DD 24/7 every day...just to stay as close as possible the first couple days while she adjusts...there are certainly things he could easily be doing differently while still being there for his family. His blatant disregard for the promises he made me hurts...makes me feel like I can't trust him and he has total disregard for my feelings. Again, I know his grandma is ill, but he has a daughter and he needs to balance it out.

I think if you look at it not as "blatant disregard" but as having unrealistic expectations, or realizing the reality of the situation later, you'll have a better time of this.

crene84 · June 2013

To add, MIL is a great grandma and will do anything to make DD happy; however, when you're dealing with anxiety, there is nothing to do to calm them down. MIL also seems to be giving DH a different "view" of how things are going when he's away than what she tells me (probably because I hear DD wailing and she can't hide it). I think she doesn't want DH to think he can't leave DD with her, but DD doesn't deserve to be miserable. Of course she won't remember this when she's 10 years old, but that's not the point.

BPer · June 2013

I can totally see where you're coming from, and I'd be going crazy, and feeling helpless overall. Only a few more days though, right?

Maybe talk to MIL about the importance of DD's schedule, and hopefully she'll understand and make an effort to uphold it.

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