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Blended Families
fellesferie
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Parenting question
fellesferie
member
How do you deal with back talk or general disrespectful behavior?
DS is 8, and this is BY FAR his biggest crime. It is the biggest overall problem in our house.
DH and I handle a lot of parenting things pretty well (I think), but we totally fail at handling this. As in completely, epically fail.
We have tried some different things. What we have been trying for the last couple years is that he's counted to 3 for each offense and then given a consequence. In terms of consequences, we've tried (over the course of ~2 years) time outs, loss of privileges, and sentences. We have responded neutrally, we have responded angrily, we have yelled, we have not yelled, we have sat him down for heart-to-hearts.
Nothing makes any difference.
We get that it's an attention seeking behavior. So we have tried to really pump up the positive attention he gets. But it isn't enough.
He does it with us and to a lesser extent, my parents. But to everyone else he is the epitome of a polite child. He's full of pleases and thank yous. His teachers say he's a sweet child at school.
I've have been reading that we should just ignore it. Full stop. But.. really??
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Re: Parenting question
that is crazy that you are reading that you should ignore it. I wonder if that works? I don't know if I would be able to do it.
For my dc, I tell her to cut it out, and if she does it a second time I send her to her room. She is so sensitive that she dissolves in tears and apologies so that works pretty well. That would be so frustrating if nothing worked.
I feel like honestly, a lot of the back talk originates from some of the TV she was watching like those Disney Channel live comedy shows like Jesse and Dog with a Blog. On those shows, backtalk is portrayed as 'cute' and some of the kids are obnoxious. Those shows are not allowed in our house anymore. Don't know if he watches them or not. This made a big difference.
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My dd is like this, too. She can't stand the idea that anyone is upset with her at all.
DS's fake sorry is pretty obvious, too. Maybe we'll try just straight away sending him to his room every time.
What do you do when you're out of the house?
Butt back in! Do you have any suggestions?
This was exactly why we stopped sentences. We were afraid he'd start to hate writing.
This!!! I love Disney channel don't get me wrong, Selena Gomez fan here wink but I definitely think kids are picking up the attitude and back talk from Disney and nickelodeon shows.
If we are out of the house and in public, we give them the "death" stare as DH calls it and then tell them to straighten up or they will be grounded when we get home. Occasionally, if the behavior persists one of us will have to walk that child to a private location and talk to them more indepth.
OMG, I am so glad you guys said something here about the Disney shows. My sister has the same theory.
My brother's oldest, is so sassy. Just a week ago, my mom was making dinner, and she asked how many more chicken nuggets she wanted and she said "Three! Get on it old lady!" And she kept repeating it. I raised an eyebrow and just stared at her like, "What did you say?" Mom said nothing. She ignored it. I should have said something, but felt it was Mom's battle to fight. Next time I will. That's nothing. She's often worse. When she talks to me disrespectful and orders me to do something, I just stare at her and say, "How do you ask someone to do something for you?" It takes a couple tries on her part to say "Please" and do it nicely. I won't do anything for her, nor will I let her off the hook until she is respectful and polite.
To me, ignoring it means you accept it. I will knock my child into next week if she talks that way to anyone!
My sister and I think it's the Nick and Disney shows too. She babysits them and said she noticed how awful those shows were. She too thinks their attitudes come from those shows.
I won't let DD watch anything that's rude or obnoxious. Just the other day i saw a cartoon where one of the characters was puking. Really? Do kids really need to be exposed to that?
Back to the question - in my opinion, you keep after them about proper responses and discuss with them the consequences of rudeness and disrespect. You stay consistent and never let them off the hook.
It's going to be hard in this world of technology where kids at even younger ages are communicating via electronic devices, and talk less and less directly to one another. They don't experience the true consequences of their words hiding behind a screen.
1 2 3 Magic here, and that includes the 9 year old.
If we are out in public all I have to do is raise one finger and they stop whatever it is that they are doing. Sometimes I get to two.
The power of 1 2 3 Magic is that it kills any attention seeking. There is no attention. There is no impassioned response and no discussion. It feels super counter intuitive, but I swear it works.
And some things are an instant 3. I am working from home, DD5 reported that DD9 hit her (they are NEVER home with me for this reason - sick kids today) and all I did was ask "Did you hit DD5". DD9 started to explain, I held up one finger. She said "yes" and went to her room. Magic. Seriously.
Trust me it does work
We've read 1 2 3 Magic, and we have tried it (for big chunks of time).
Just J- we use it with DD and she is 3. At 1, she immediately stops because she doesn't want to be in trouble or have a consequence. She doesn't have many tantrums (she's had maybe 3 in her life) but when she's being uncooperative it helps.
I'm not really sure if this is a TV issue. He watches Phineas & Ferb and Kickin' It on Disney. P&F is fine, but there's a bit of snark on Kickin' It.
DS doesn't mind time out. He doesn't want to stay in his room forever, but will happily play for long stretches. He likes his Nintendo DS & his Kindle. But it doesn't seem to really bother him if they get taken away. He'll just shrug and hand it over. He has toys he plays with but nothing that is his favorite.
I think he just knows it gets to us.
Have you noticed how many of those shows completely lack parental involvement? And the shows that DO have parents portray the adults as some dimwited morons?! I no longer let the kids watch those shows either. At this point, the only Disney show allowed in my home is Phineas and Ferb. And that's because I'm addicted to that show p
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Ita. Dog w a blog was the final straw and now they are all banned, bc on that one the parents are really SO idiotic it's terrible. I have seen improvement since these shows have been banned for sure.
I feel like starting a letter writing campaign to Disney channel or something. I feel it's Disney channel that is much worse than nick. Because there is no reason these shows have to reinforce such terrible behavior... I am sure the kids will still watch them if they reeled it in a bit. Sorry to hijack!
I would so join the cause! The only show I like my SD to watch is Good Luck Charlie coz its the only show where BOTH parents are involved and active in the kids lives and not painted as completely buffoons...
Diana - that makes me laugh. I'll have to try counting.
I still don't agree with ignoring. I agree with ignoring tantrums of a toddler, but blatant verbal dis-respect? No flippin' way. If that was DD that said that to my mother at dinner, I'd cut her off, and say, "What did you say?? Will you please aplogize and re-phrase yourself?" And if she didn't or continued to sass, she'd be marched off to a room without the chicken nuggets. And I would back my family too if they handled it similarly if I wasn't present. I now wish I had done the same to my neice.
As far as Disney - where are these parents that freaked the heck out of the Brave character being slightly "sexed up" a bit and all worried their children were being subjected to a sexually appealing character? I don't see anything from them on these tween shows. Or maybe I just don't hear about it.
J the trick with 1 2 3 Magic is no discussion.
There would be no "what did you just say". The premise that was so hard for me to buy into is kids know. THEY KNOW. They really do. The book is worth a read, and I hate parenting books.
Honestly I think that many parents whose kids are old enough to watch these shows dont monitor what they are watching, so don't know how bad they are. I know I didn't for a while. I figured it was Disney channel so I didn't have to worry about sex or violence so I could be more relaxed. Then I actually watched a show and saw how bad it was. I think most parents are just not aware.
I'll sign on too!
And yes, Good luck Charlie is one of the only shows where the kids don't seem to get away with as much stuff with the parents. I amend my earlier statement: I let the girls watch Good Luck Charlie. But mostly because Shane Harper (the boyfriend) is our friend's cousin and the girls love him.
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I agree with the parents stating that most of those Nickelodeon and tween programing are awful. They depict inept parents and kids that all need a good whipping. I blocked all of those channels from our television.
We used to have a problem with the SKs talking and arguing back to us. We had a long talk with them about it and then made the punishment very severe for the crime. For instance, the other day my husband told SS-17 to go to his room because he was obviously very sick and we didn't want him sneezing and coughing all over stuff and germing up the place, esp with a baby in the house. He started arguing that he's not sick and he didn't want to go to his room. Reason? He wanted to watch the Terminator on TV.
Punishment for talking back and arguing with his father? His x-box was taken away, he can't go out with friends for a week, and he has extra pain-in-the-butt chores to do. Harsh? You bet your it's harsh!! That's why he does it so infrequently. I'm not putting up with that on an everyday basis. Hell no!!!!
Wow I have to check this 123 magic out after hearing so many accolades!