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September 2012 Moms
Holly_1007
member
If you have lost a grandparent (loss mentioned)
Holly_1007
member
Mobile: If you have lost a grandparent (loss mentioned)
DH's grandmother is deteriorating quickly. She was put in an assisted living facility about 8 months ago and has been in and out of the hospital since. She is currently in the hospital and her bladder and kidneys are shutting down.
We haven't seen her since she was put into the assisted living facility because her alzheimers and dimensia were so bad that DH's mom wouldn't tell anyone where she was (that's a whole other drama filled story)
Anyway, I found out what hospital room she is in, and asked DH if he wants to go see her. We don't know if this is the end, she has already come back from a nasty case of Pnemonia this winter, but like I said, we haven't seen her in months (she hasn't even met Colby yet)
DH said he doesn't know if he wants to see her in the kind of condition she is in, he wants to remember her how she was before. Fortunately, all my grandparents are still alive, so I have never dealt with this. Also, because of our differing religious beliefs and beliefs in life after death, I'm having a hard time figuring out the right thing to do.
Part of me wants to encourage him to say "I love you" one more time. But I don't want to step on his toes if he doesn't want to see her in the state she is in.
So, If you have lost a grandparent, did you see them before they passed? Do you regret it? If you DIDN'T see them, do you wish you did?
Sorry this got long, thanks for any advice!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: If you have lost a grandparent (loss mentioned)
My grandparents on my mom's side all passed when I was young but my grandpa on my dad's side just passed a way 5 years ago this month. He's really the only grandpa I've ever know. He started to go down hill in February and passed in June while in a nursing home. I saw him on Father's Day that year. We all went to visit and he was doing well. 2 weeks later he was gone. I don't regret not seeing him just before he passed because I remembered him for who he was before that. I do regret not being able to talk to him one on one and tell him I love him. So it's a catch 22 for me. He did not have any mental healthy issues however so that's a whole other thing. I would go off of your DH's wishes. If he wants to remember her differently than now I say let him have that. She doesn't sound like she's in the right frame of mind now anyway, like she's not who he remembers. I'm sorry your DH is going through this. Suffering is never easy.
DH is going through this right now. He just flew to Louisiana yesterday to see his grandmother in the hospital. He wasn't as close w/ her as his other grandparents, though, and is more focused being there for his dad and rest of his family.
I lost my grandpa a couple years ago and it was devastating. He was 91, but so vibrant, energetic..we all thought he'd live forever. Then he had to go to the hospital for something and deteriorated very quickly. DH and I drove through the night but by the time we made it to the hospital, he was already basically unconscious. I am glad I was there, but he didn't even look like himself. It was incredibly painful and I will never get the images out of my mind. It's hard to say if your husband will regret not seeing her, but if he really thinks he can't handle it, it might be best..it is really really tough. Sending T&Ps to you and your family.
This is really tough, and honestly, hard to say if it's a good thing or not. I can speak from experience. I was very close with my grampa, and when his health deteriorated in a matter of just 2 months, we did go to the hospital on the day he was dying to say goodbye. I will be honest, it sucked. I was a mess and it was really really hard to see him like that. But I think it meant the world to him to see us and say goodbye. He was conscious and aware until about an hour before he died, and he kept telling me not to be sad, that it was ok, and that he had such a happy life and was proud of us. Just my gram and mom and her brothers stayed in the room once it was closer to his passing, but we all went in once he was gone and paid our respects again. My sister didn't make it from NY in time to see him alive, and I think it still really hurts her since the rest of us had all been there.
It was probably one of the hardest days of my life. I still struggle with that being my last memory of seeing him (he was cremated and had a memorial, not a traditional funeral). But it's close to 10 years later and I am at peace with it and it's no longer the only way I remember seeing him. I think it's one of those things that you have to know that it'll be tough for you, but may be the best thing you can do for your grandparent. DH's nana has been starting to decline, and any chance we have, we see her. She lights up when she sees Lily, even on her worst days, so I think it's definitely worth it.
But it's really hard.
I'm sorry your DH is facing this loss.
Everyone is different and I wouldn't judge whatever decision he feels he has to make. And he is a grown man, so you can't force him. That being said...
I think it is highly unlikely that he will regret it if he goes and sees her one last time. It may be painful. It may be uncomfortable. But I would bet money that after she passes, he will be glad he went.
I have lost all but one of my Grandparents. Two of them I was alive for their deaths. I actually had the opportunity to say goodbye one last time to one of them and not the other. I don't regret either way. I was unable to see my Grandfather and tell him I love him in person because of location. He was very special to me and DS is actually named after him. I don't have any memories of him laying in a hospital bed dying and I'm thankful for that.
My Grandma was in and out of the hospital for several months before she passed and I did have the opportunity to go visit her in the hospital and spend some of her last days with her as well as give her a final goodbye. I did see her deteriorate and get to the point where she didn't recognize me and was totally reliant on others for everything. I'm thankful for those times too to be able to love on her during a time that was difficult for her.
So basically, I don't think there is a wrong or right thing to do. I would just be very supportive of your H and make sure he knows it's ok whatever he chooses to do. Thoughts and prayers for your family, these are always tough times.
Honestly, he would only ever regret not going. He would never, ever regret going and saying goodbye.
As I mentioned in the high/low post, my grandfather is at the end-stages of Parkinson's and he recently had a stroke as well. They told us all to go to the hospital to say goodbye to him on Saturday night b/c they didn't think he'd make it through the night (he has a DNR in place) and I'm so glad I went. He's still hanging on, but I'm basically just waiting for the call. I'll probably head back up to the hospital after work tonight if he's still with us. I just feel so terrible for my mom, having just lost her husband (my dad) 6 months ago. It's awful.
Carter Robert 7.18.08 | Brynn Sophia 5.24.10 | Reid Joseph 9.10.12 | Emerson Mae 1.27.14
I lost both of my paternal grandparents in March.
My situation was different because neither of them had memory loss, Alzheimer's, or dementia. However, with my grandma's situation I had to make the decision whether to see her or not on the last day of her life. I was warned that she was not the same.
She looked like a stranger. It was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever seen (and now I'm hiding in my office crying just thinking about it). I'm so thankful I went to see her. It didn't change anything about the wonderful memories I already had. It really wasn't about me, or how it would affect me. It was her last day of life, and her eyes were swollen shut and she couldn't speak or move, but I know she knew I was there. I know she heard how much I loved her, that I was going to take Winnie to the park by her house, and that I'll spend the rest of my life thinking of her whenever I see something inspiring or beautiful. I always think of what grandma would be proud of, and I make better decisions for myself.
I'm not religious, but I'll always say that the greatest gift my grandparents ever gave me was their faith. Even though they were in separate hospitals and unable to see each other, they weren't scared. They couldn't wait to be reunited again. Grandpa let go a day after we told him grandma passed.
I guess I'm saying, it will be one of the hardest things for him to see. It's terrible. But it's about being there and filling grandma's room with love and family. Even if she seems "absent," I believe she will feel the love because that is universal. I think people deserve that. She is the reason he exists, and his little family can exist. I know that some individuals with dementia can be aggressive or angry, but that is the disease. I still think love can be felt.
I can't imagine how much harder my healing would have been had I not seen my grandma, and had I felt any kind of regret for not seeing her. I have a million kinds of regrets that creep up every day, but I just keep thinking that grandma wouldn't want me to feel that way, and I am 100% sure she knew how much I loved her when she passed. I just have to talk myself through that. When DH loses his grandma in the future, I hope I remember to coach him through his grief this way, because his grandma would be heartbroken if she caused a sad day in his life.
I'm sorry for your family's situation. It's so hard.
Actually I can relate better to your situation in some ways. I wasn't close with my maternal grandmother because my mom had a bad relationship with her. When she was hospitalized and expected not to make it, I wanted to go see her. I was told I couldn't because she wasn't herself. She had schizophrenia and dementia.
I should have shown up at the hospital or fought harder to see her. My grandmother passed away thinking that none of her grandchildren loved her enough to come to see her. Even if she had spewed only hateful things to me, I was old enough to understand the disease. It's been 13 years and I regret it all the time. All I can think of is her loneliness in her last days. I wish my mind wouldn't fixate on this, but it does.
I have been in both situations. One of my grandfathers (I was very close to him) had a stroke a few years ago and was deteriorating quickly. I went and saw him and it was sad because he was obviously struggling. But the last time I saw him alive he was in the nursing home chapel for a service and he was so happy (former southern baptist minister) and I will always be so glad that I saw him. He died a month later and while I was still devastated I was really glad I saw him that last time.
My other grandfather that passed away around the same time I had not seen in a couple of years and didn't take the chance when I could have. He died suddenly and I struggle over not having seen him before he died.
I think if he has a good relationship with her that it would be good to go but as PP said you cannot force him.
For me--especially in the case of dementia, etc--the memories made when the person was still "themselves" were more important to me than "last moments." At the same time, I had no regrets over my time spent with either grandparent who's passed (or with my Nana who's currently deteriorating pretty quickly), so I didn't feel a need to have a "final push" and say goodbye. Our family gets together pretty often, I saw the grandparents every few months, so it wasn't as though I was looking at years of separation or a family falling out that I wanted to make sure wasn't my last memory of my grandparent.
It's really a personal question. Not wanting to see her in that stage is a very valid fear/concern, and only he knows where he is on that. Absolutely encourage him if he shares that he wants to see her but is scared. And if he shares that he truly doesn't, and feels he won't have regrets, I don't think you can push him. It's his choice.
This will sound harsh, but if she's deep in Alzheimer's or dementia, his presence probably will not mean much to her, so it truly is about what he feels is best for him.
My grandmother passed away almost 5 years ago from COPD. There were several times over the course of a few years where we thought she was going to pass, but she would hang on for a while longer. When it was the end she was on hospice at home and asked to see her babies (my dad and his siblings) so we all went to see her because we knew this was it. She didn't resemble herself at all, was very skinny and not talking. I hated to see her like that, but I'm still glad I saw her alive one last time. I still get sad to this day when I think about her because she was so young (only 67) and was so full of life before she got really sick. I loved her so much and I wish she would have lived long enough to see me get married and have Nola. Even with all of that, I'm glad I saw her one last time and will cherish those last moments I had with her.
The story is basically the same for my husband's grandmother. We went to see her one last time when she was in the nursing home. It was hard on DH, really hard, but he's also glad that he got to see her one more time. Even though they're sick and not the grandparent that we have always known, it does bring closure to know that they really are at the end and ready to not be in pain anymore.
I'm sorry for your family in this time and I hope that your DH is able to get some closure.
When my grandpa died, he had been diagnosed with cancer, had heart attacks, strokes, pneumonia....all sorts of stuff at once. They didn't give him long. I bought a plane ticket to go see him. I got on the plane and had my first and only panic attack. I got off the plane and never got to go see him before he died. I think all the time about how I should have sucked it up and stayed on the plane. I was able to talk to him on the phone an apologize for by coming. Apparently he was excited about my visit. He told me it was okay. He didn't like flying either. I hate that I didn't go.
I tell DH all the time that he needs to see his grandparents while he can. One day they'll be gone and he will wish he had one more visit.
That's probably more of a response than you were looking for ;]
My Grandma and her husband died a day apart in August. (car accident) It was terrible. I was not with her when she died, but my Mom and my uncles were. I regret it. Even though I was in the hospital with her for 4 days straight, I still regret not being there with her in the very end.
I would be saying mean things to my DH about sucking it up if he didn't want to see his grandma. It's not about him. It's about her, and making her happy while she's in this condition, especially because it could be the last time you guys see her as a family.
Nancy James 9.1.12
Calvin Donald 8.27.14
I would not pressure him to see them. With alzheimers, it's not like she feels hurt that family isn't around. She likely isn't aware. The last mental picture I have of mine is terrible. I wouldn't take it away because I needed it for closure, but people handle loss differently.
I saw my Grandmother when she was in hospice the days leading up to her death. She was unconscious pretty much the entire time except one moment when her eyes flew open, to be honest that part was scary. I do not regret going but I really just went to support my dad. My mom couldn't be there the entire time so I went up to keep my dad company. I would not have regretted not being there, either. I don't feel like she really knew I was there so saying good bye to her at the funeral was what I consider my final time with her. And, honestly, it was my first time in a hospice and I just was so sad for the people there. I am glad my grandmother was only there for less than a week before passing.
My Grandfather died at home of a heart attach so I didn't get the chance to say good bye until the funeral.
My other Grandparents are in their 90's and have had many scares. They live 10 hours away and we see them once or twice a year. I do not think we will make a special trip to "say goodbye" if we know the end is near due to the distance but we will attend the funeral. I think the only exception is if my grandfather is alert and knows what is happening. James is named after him and he loves him so so much that I think it would be nice for him to see him at the end if the situation was right.
I lost a grandmother last year who was suffering from Alzheimer's. While I did see her within a year of her passing, I did not see her in the month right before (I did speak to her on the phone, however). I do feel sad about it in a way, but it was extremely difficult knowing that she both was (physically) and wasn't (mentally) the person I had spent my childhood knowing. It might sound awful, but in a way I felt like I had been grieving her loss long before she passed. She had no idea who I was anymore. Ultimately, I think that whatever your husband chooses to do, it's okay. It's a very difficult situation and I couldn't blame anyone for not wanting to have their last memories with their grandmother that way. If Alzheimer's weren't in the picture, I would probably suggest for him to go. But when it comes to Alzheimer's, the very sad truth is that it's very possible neither DH nor DH's grandmother will benefit from the meeting.
If I were in your shoes I would not take the LO's, even if you choose to visit. As PP said, it may scare the older one, and neither of them are old enough to understand the situation or remember the event with any clarity. I think in this case it would be best for them to know her through happy memories from you and your DH.
I'm sorry but I can not read the other responses....
I will forever regret not saying good bye to my pappaw. I was just a teenage, he had diabetes and was always in and out of the hospital. He was our next door neighbor so I saw him everyday. The last time he went into the hospital it was the begining of summer and I wanted a tan. So instead of going to the hospital I stayed home to lay out...Everyone said he was doing better and would be out of ICU soon. He passed shortly after and I never had my chance.
Move along to my memmaw (other side) she had her appendix taken out and went down hill. I was there as much as possible though I lived 3 hours away. She had just been moved into a nursing home and I was supposed to go see her on Saturday. Everyone I knew was going to the beach and I was going to skip my visit. She passed on Thursday night and I felt like a complete .
I didn't let that happen with my other grandma and I was there even though with her alzheimers she couldn't remember my name. I was close to all of my grandparents. I was glad I finally got it right and let her know how much I loved her.
I suggest talking to your husband one more time. But if he isn't comfortable with it, you have to let it go. Each person is different. It hurt me not being there. But it also hurt to be there.
I am so sorry your husband is going through this. Virtual hugs (too creepy?)
My grandmother passed when I was in high school, and I vaguely remember seeing her before, but it was at my parents urging. My other grandmother committed suicide 2 months before my wedding and I was devastated. I really wished I had called her one last time. My aunt two years ago died of cancer and I was living 14 hours away, but she was a wonderful lady so I came home to say goodbye and I'm so glad I did.
It just depends on the person. I would just allow DH to make up his mind and support him in whatever he decides.