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Blended Families
Phantomgirl
member
Influence of new gf / wives
Phantomgirl
member
My brother called me yesterday to ask if I was planning to get him a bday present this year lol. I hadn't really thought about it but I told him I was sure I would!! He is 31 on 27th June!!!
He then said he had a favor to ask me.
His ex is taking my nephew to Spain for a week at the end of June with her family. Nephew is super excited and both my brother and I are delighted for him that he is getting to go.
Bro's ex is a singel mom of two and is at school and working. She is a good mom and they get a long just fine. Money is tight for her and he would like to contribute to the holiday for my nephew.
However, my brother currently has a girlfriend whom he lives with. He said she will flip the fluck out if he gives BM money up and above CS as money is tight for them also.
Sooo.. my brothers favor was.. instead of getting him a birthday present he asked if I would put money in an envelope and give it to my nephew and tell him to give it to his mom. That way BM has extra money for the holiday and bro does not upset his girlfriend. He is asking my mom to do the same!!!
Part of me feels like gf should have a say as they live together and money is tight and the other part of me feels like telling her to back the fluck off when it comes to my nephew.
It just really got me thinking about the influence new gfs / wives have on BFs.
Myself included!
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Re: Influence of new gf / wives
Your brother sounds like a pretty good dad, and he found a good solution to his dilemma.
I think it really depends on the family. In my family it would be way out of line, in XHs family they would happily oblige and it is known that everybody must buy even the adult family members something for their birthdays. They ask eachother for specific things all the time too. It's not weird to them.
Is the GF going to flip out because they genuinely don't have the extra money right now? Or is she going to flip out because it involves giving money to BM?
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This one is hard for me, because I met Phantom's nephew and I want to say "DO IT."
But in the end, I have to agree with the GF.
1) When you live together and co-mingle the expenses, you have a say in how the expenses are paid out.
2) If expenses are tight, then expenses are tight. There is nothing wrong with explaining that to his child.
3) This is over a vacation, not something more...useful, like clothes or a sports team or even say a summer camp. Its to spend the week with his mom and sibling.
4) Tied to number 2, if this was an intact family and the finances were tight would your brother have gone on a week-long vacation? In your brother's blended family situation, is he able to go on a week-long vacation?
And while I am sure that this is part of it (i know I can't afford it, but I want to help my child if I can), no child is going to die by not going to on vacation. And no child is going to die if he doesn't have tons of spending cash on the vacation.
My suggestion, though it wont help in this situation, is that your Brother and his GF create a budget that allows them each some extra fun money on a monthly basis. That money is THEIRS to use as they want, without any commentary (or even knowledge).
DH and I do this. We get $100 a month JUST FOR US TO USE ON US. Its for the goofy things, like pedicures or cigars.
Hop I have to say I see where you are coming from. I actually called Job out on something quite similar and told her it was in bad taste (sorry Job!!!) and it was her young DD not a 31 year old man!!!
In regards to this it didn't phase me. My parents are divorced and I have one brother. Therefore the three of us, Mom who is nto remarried, brother and I always get each other something for bdays and Christmas. There are no other family members to solicite. Notice he didn't ask my dad and his wife as that is not our relationship with them.
See, I think he's showing some respect for his gf's wishes by not dipping into the household budget. And I think it's creative & selfless to ask for his own birthday presents to go to his son.
Good for your brother finding a way to do it especially if things are tight for him he found a way to do it without putting himself in a hole. As for you Phantom make sure you are not spending extra money because you feel bad because you have a big heart.
I think the one thing that has really worked for my family is not treating it like a blended family. My DH and I lived together prior to being married. We were sharing all bills and finances. If he had given money to BM when we were strapped for cash it would've been a deal breaker for me. Not because he was giving it to BM but because in order for any relationship to work you have to be on the same page for finances. If we are strapped for cash now, we would never consider giving our DS money for something fun and unnecessary. Therefore we won't do that for SS either. I think his heart is in the right place but you have to be honest with yourself on what you can and cant spend money on, especially if things are tight. If the money wasn't an issue and the GF still didn't want to help out, I would think she was being unreasonable and that they needed to have a serious discussion about their relationship. I think that Phantom's brother may just feel a little guilty that BM is taking his son on vacation and he isn't therefore he feels like he needs to contribute too. I think vacations are a wonderful way to learn and experience new cultures, and a great opportunity for his son. However, i don't think he should put his household in a bind in order to do so. If I was his GF and found out he was asking other members of his family for money for his son's vacation, I would be so embarrassed. He is making it so she seems to be the bad guy when really he just doesn't have the money to give his son.
another angle to this is..
My brother gf has a DD who lives with them. Her father is Italian and moved back to Italy. She does not receive CS.
I guess a little part of me feels that she should lighten up about giving 'extra' to my nephew one in a while since my brother contributes to caring for her DD.
My family had totally accepted her DD and are very good to her so it kinds irks me that she has a problem with this.
However, in saying that my brother and her will not be going on vacation this year due to money.
BUT her DD will go to Italy to her father for a month, which her father will pay for.
I guess I just want my nephew to have this experience. BUT I agree that once you join finances you join decision making.
Job - I suspect some of it is not wanted to give BM extra money. My brother met with with BM in Dublin city recently and they had lunch together and spent some time together as they had to go to the US embassey together for my nephews passport.
My brother spent three days in my spare room over that!!!
Phantom, this is getting more ridiculous as you continue explaining the sitch.
But at first - just to explain where I was coming from - in my family, we don't give each other gifts as adults, we do to all the kids, but not to each other as grown adults anymore - there are way too many of us, and it's a little childish IMO to expect gifts in your thirties like you did as a kid. Plus, assuming you WILL get a gift from someone is presumptuous and soliciting the gift and what you want it to be is in poor taste. Like, what are you gonna say, if someone asks you, if you are gonna get them a gift.... would you say NO? Well, what if you were not planning on it, now they are putting you in an awkward spot to say YES. But, since you don't mind it and you always get each other gifts in your family as adults, fine.
However, he is poor - as you said, so I wonder what he gives you for gifts when it's your birthday, you know - since he is asking you for CASH for his son't vaca. Let's be real - you're not gonna give $10. You are very generous, so you will be compelled to give way more. But, I digress.
What also stands out and is really effed up I think, is that you said he will give the envelope with money to the child to give to his mom. So, now we are making the child to be the messenger and the go between to deliver cash. Let me wonder why? Because he's trying to hide the money from GF? Anybody else think that is in poor taste? I would hope the child would be taken out of the equation. He will now know that there is money for a vaca that got exchanged, who is to say he won't blabber it to the GF and be all excied that him and his mom got all this extra cash and dad gave him the envelope? Is she gonna be mad then? Or embarrassed in front of your family?
Oh, and yes, it is ridiculous she is putting a cap on their joint spending because she doesn't have HER finances worked out with the Italian. And putting your bro in the dog house for being cordial with BM? She must be a peach! Not at all insecure! Good for him for finding himself a winner...let's not forget he is fully supporting HER child, too! But, I bet that is ok in her mind. Some people....
And of course there's always the school of thought that its not your problem. You're just a cool gift giving aunt. Why care about the rest of it? Your brothers a big boy and can handle his son and his girlfriend. Right?
Hang on. DC owes me in excess of 20,000 in CS. My husband and I support my kids with zero help from their father. Does that mean I don't get a say in our finances? Does that mean that anytime K wants to do something that isn't in our budget it's ok for my husband to bankrupt our family because he's helping support my children as well?
In ANY relationship, both parties have a say in how money is spent. My husband knew when he married me that DC wasn't paying his CS and that he would be picking up the slack. Phantom's brother is CHOOSING to continue his relationship with the GF and CHOOSING to help her support her DD. No one is forcing him to do that. And tht doesn't silence the GF's say in their household budget.
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I take issue with girlfriends dictating what their significant other is spending on their child. Wives, I give a little more freedom because they are married, and have a say in the budget, etc. but denying someone to pay more than CS? That's ridiculous. It costs more than CS to raise a child.
Now if there were a lot of frivolous and irresponsible spending on ridiculous things... then yes, I can see where it would be an issue and someone needs to be reigned in.
No doubt when this girlfriend and your brother have a baby, and then they split because she is too controlling - she will expect him to cough up more than the CS. That's usually how women like this operate.
It doesn't silence anyone to have a say, but he would have a valid argument in the discussion, if he said that since he is supporting HER child year round, whereas HIS child is supported by both birth parents AND her daughter gets to go to Italy for a month, he feels like he wants to make his son's time in Spain special as well and pitch in. Maybe from the money that won't be spent on her daughter for that month that she will not be with them because she will be in Italy.
I do understand that the Italian could be a diiick who doesn't want to pay CS. But we don't know that. Maybe she never went after him for CS? He is paying for his daughter to fly to Italy and spend a month there with him....
Be it as it may, if Phantom's brother wants to contribute to his son's vaca, given that HER daughter is being taken care of 100% by them year round, the GF should not flat out veto some extra va-ca spending cash going to his son. Even if it means that they will give it after the vaca has happened because they had to budget for it, while her daughter was in Italy.
But, like PP said - we don't know that. Maybe they did have a discussion about it. What it seems like, though, since bro is sneaking behind GF's back with an envelope and all - the discussion probably was one-sided and went nowhere.
Another thing! My brother works and his GF does not. She gets unemployment but he earns more obviously. So maybe there is less room for argument on her side. And as J said, they are not married.
I think it is wrong of all of us to conspire behind her back. She would flip if she found out!!
It does put me in a position of giving more, I will prob do 100 like I did for SS but would not have spent that on my bro.
Bro and GF are controlling and insecure. There is a pair of them in it. She is very good to my nephew when he is around but hates the mention of BM. Bro did not tell her until after the fact that he was spending the day with BM in Dublin and also will not tell her this plan !!
As for putting nephew in the middle that is how bro and his ex work finances!! They have no court order and agreed on an amount which he puts in an envelope and sends home with nephew. We will do the same I guess as nephew will be here the weekend before BM lives 3 hours away.
Yea it's wrong on so many levels and I would kill DH but I also wouldn't freak out if he wanted to do more for SS.
It sounds like the gf has issues with your ex SIL. She doesn't want your borther to give any extra above and beyond CS, she flipped out when your brother ate lunch with his ex.... Maybe your bother using the excuse that money is tight is somewhat of an excuse because he knows that if he gives the ex extra $, he will be sleeping in your spare room again?
Every family has a different dynamic, and I would say that I think it is fine that you give your nephew money for his trip. Now what would the GF say if she knew you slipped your newphew money to spend on this trip? Are you keeping it quiet, so the gf doesn't find out?
I am a little late to the game but wanted to respond to this. I really don't agree that it is in bad taste to ask about gifts if you have a close relationship with your family. When I first met DH & sons money was very tight and they needed a lot of basic stuff. I asked my Dad to take whatever money he had planned to spend on me for Christmas and to please spend it on my DH and the boys. My Dad told me he was proud of me and that what I had done was very kind. He never mentioned my being rude. Your brother wasn't asking for himself but for his kid. If you guys are close, I don't really see a problem with this.
The bigger issue I think is your brother being passive aggressive to avoid conflict with his GF. Telling her important things after the fact (like meeting with BM) and doing stuff behind her back would make anyone "flip out". I would. He needs to be straight forward, hear her out, and have the balls to make a decision against her wishes if he needs to. She doesn't have to agree with everything he does but lying and sneaking about it add insult to injury. It also puts you in a bad situation if you spend time with her. If she finds out later she will feel betrayed and suspicious about you as well.