Spoke to a lawyer

StacyLH24 · June 2013

Our brother-in-law has graciously agreed to be our donor. When C and I first discussed using a KD, we planned to have an initial contract drawn up stating the involvement of the KD, that we couldn't/wouldn't ever ask for child support and that he couldn't/wouldn't ever file for custody. We have always planned that C would formally adopt our children after they are born so that she has full legal rights.

I spoke with a lawyer today and he said that we could have an initial contract drawn up; however, it may not hold up in court in the future. He suggested, of course, that we have an adoption completed after any children are born. We are thinking of forgoing the initial contract and just going with the adoption after any children are born.

Any thoughts on this? The adoption will happen no matter what. I just don't see the sense in doing more paperwork, and paying more money, than what is really necessary.

songbird31 · June 2013

When we discussed our known donor who was not an in law, we had papers drawn up that our lawyer said would hold until the child was born. However, in our state we would have gone to court in a private chamber with me, the birth mother, the child and the biological father around three days after birth. This meeting with the judge would be for the father to relinquish all parental rights, essentially holding up "bargain" of the legal agreement. The agreement that was drawn up also was basically a parental agreement for me and S as well. It outlined our intent to raise the child 50/50 even if we did not make it. We needed the KD to sign away rights immediately in order to start the second parent adoption with no issue. She said that after the relinquishing of rights we should have no problem and no future issues for custody. For several reasons we ultimately decided not to move forward with the KD, who we still love very much.

As a heads up, if you are going through a clinic, you will need to do testing on you and your partner, do a counselor session, have both your donor and his sexual partner tested at your clinic, they also have to go to a counseling session and our clinic required a 6 month quarantine including a retest of the donor for STDs etc. again, this may not be a requirement at your clinic or in your state, but this was our experience and our lawyer is nationally known for her gay rights knowledge, etc.

Good luck on our decision! It's definitely an important one and its important you and your partner feel comfortable with your decision and the level of protection you feel you have.

LolaBelle515 · June 2013

With our known donor, our laywer insisted we have the paperwork drawn up, signed, and notarized before we began trying to conceive. It may vary state to state, but even if the document may be overthrown in court, I personally think it is better to be safe than sorry. Your lawyer would certainly fight for the inclusion of the document, in case something DID happen.

For example, in our state, I had to wait 90 days after my son's birth to adopt him. During that 90 days, that legal document was our protection. If he had been born early and needed extensive medical care, insurance could have gone after our donor (even though my partner was totally covered). The contract would be used in court to stop that. If, God forbid, something had happened to my partner, then insurance could have gone after him for $$ and I would have had a harder court battle saying that I was intended to be his legal guardian.

I had absolutely no qualms/concerns whatever about our donor changing his mind or wanting custody, but instead the document protected him. Creating the document also forced us to outline the process we would use in great detail (how many months, how many tries each month, if/when he would be tested for STDs, etc)...having a document like this helped us have the important conversations that we needed to have, so there is that benefit, too.

Good luck! You will know the best situation for you.

For what it is worth, our contract cost $1500, including cost of our lawyer and our donor's (separate) lawyer.

only1leia · June 2013

We wrote up our own donor agreement. We all signed it, plus we had a witness there. When I was interviewing my (now hired) lawyer, she said that the agreement was a good step, but said the same thing as yours did, that it may not hold up in court. She said it might, but a second parent adoption would take the questions out. We also set up the agreement where, if one of the items was thrown out, the rest of the contract would still be valid.

Another point is our lawyer offered something to protect the baby if anything happened before the baby was born (basically saying if my partner had health issues, that there is an adoption taking place and I would be able to make decisions for her and the baby). We decided not to do that. If you fill out medical directives that would be essentially the same thing (we filled out our directives but never turned them in ...). Now we are just racing against the clock. Marriage becomes legal August 1st, our due date is August 13th. Baby's gotta stay in until we can get married, then that would save us some headaches.

trisholio · June 2013

As others have said, it varies very much state to state. I live in Ohio so my DW could never adopt our children or be on the birth certificate. So the initial agreement is what we have to protect ourselves.

Best of luck to you in your journey :-)

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