Is it time to let go?

Emily6778 · June 2013

Next week my brother in law and his family are coming into town with their 3 children aged 2.5, 4 and 6. During the week while my husband and I are at work, they along with my MIL and FIL, are going to some sort of indoor mini amusement park/gym. MIL has asked my DH if she and FIL can bring DD along. My first reaction was that she is too young to enjoy that sort of environment and rides and would just want to run wild the whole time. My MIL is extremely overweight and is totally not capable of chasing a 16m old child around for even one minute. On multiple occasions she has stated that when she had kids, no one used carseats, so I doubt their ability to secure and drive safely with DD. And finally, their obvious weight issues is because of extremely poor choice in food and I'm worried DD would end up having greasy french fries and orange soda for lunch.

I mean, I know they are my inlaws, but I can think of 100 people I trust my DD with before them. My husband seemed to share some of the same concerns but he has a very difficult time saying no to his mother. I think he was glad to make me the bad guy in this situation. He said when he told his mother this morning that we didn't think it was a good idea, that she looked heart broken. Am I totally overreacting?

salt78 · June 2013

I mean if you don't feel comfortable with having her go with them then don't have her go with them, but you sound pretty judgey.

FWIW my mom has said the same thing about car seats. She watches DD all the time I have never once feared that she wasn't securing her in the car.

lindslalala · June 2013

I think your 1st reason is reason enough for DD not to go. Unless I was able to be there to help supervise I wouldn't send DS in that situation. He runs around like a crazy person when we're out in public and that would make me nervous in a place like you're describing. I am in shape and have trouble keeping a handle on him some times. I think your ILs would likely be overwhelmed having to watch the 3 older kids plus your toddler.

The car seat issue can be fixed by you installing the seat into their car and showing them how to buckle it properly. And as far as the food, yeah, that would really bug me too. My ILs have poor eating habits as well so I try to compromise a bit when they're watching DS. Like yes, he can have a cookie but no he cannot have soda.

I don't think this is a situation to get up in arms over. Just say no. I'd say something like "I think it'll be easier on everyone if DD stays home. She's all over the place right now and I don't want her to take away from your time with the other kids."

blu-eyedwife · June 2013

kbruington:
I sort of think you are overreacting. Lay down some ground rules before she goes, like food, making sure they have a carseat, etc but ease up a little. Just because MIL is telling you about how it was back in her day, doesn't mean she would ignore the law now. As far as the food goes...so what if she eats snack food for one day? Fries won't kill her. I normally don't feed DS that but if it's a special occassion and family is spoiling him then I don't stress it. Just my opinion so take it how you will

Agreed

Mountaineers · June 2013

Are the brother in law and his family going to this place too? I wouldn't send my DS with 3 other small children and only 2 adults. Especially if they wouldn't be able to react quickly under certain circumstances. The food thing I wouldn't be concerned about though. I would express no soda or whatever but a slice of pizza at a party/speciall occasion is fine with me. My dad always makes comments about the fact that they didn't wear seatbelts and all that but he's never disregarded his grandchild's safety. I think it's along the same lines as your grandpa saying he walked 4 miles to school uphill both ways.

MesmrEwe · June 2013

IMO, you're overreacting on most of your concerns. The carseat thing, that means that you two need to bring them up to speed on the use of them because of the current law. My family all says they never used them when even *I* was a kid they still weren't the norm. Seatbelts were just becoming the law in many states when I got my license...

As for the food choices, unless you've got a medical reason such as an allergy or intolerance, let Grandma and Grandpa spoil them silly when they're over there. It's not going to be the end of the world for your child's lifetime diet if they have a scoop of icecream and a slirpy for lunch once or even 10 times their whole childhood while at your IL's! You need to remember moderation lessons. "You can have that at GM/GP's but we don't have that here!"..

As for running around, equip them with a stroller to use!

Let them go and have fun! It may be the thing that helps them decide to get back into shape and more physically active!

ladybugpjb · June 2013

Have you ever taken her to a place like that before? If not, you can just say that you would rather be the first to do that type of activity with her.

But if your BIL and SIL are also going to be there, do you trust them more? Would they be able to keep up with DD and respect your wishes as far as food?

SusieBW · June 2013

I think you're probably overreacting, but if you have a really strong feeling about it, then put your foot down and say no. But know that your DH's family will likely judge you as uptight because of it, just like you judge them as being too irresponsible to be trusted with your DD.

Do you trust your BIL and SIL? It sounds like you're pretty stressed about your ILs, but your BIL and SIL are successfully raising three little ones, I'm sure they're capable of keeping up with your DD, right? And making sure that she is secure in the car. You could install the carseat for your ILs to make sure it's right, too.

As far as the food, I see nothing wrong with fries and orange soda for lunch one day out at an amusement park. OF COURSE kids can't eat like that every meal of every day, but one day out, it's fun.

Also, FWIW, my DD would enjoy the hell out of a place like that! I'd be more jealous that someone else got to take her there and get to see her enjoying it without me. Are you positive that isn't your real concern here? Is your taking a day off work to go with them an option? That's what I'd want to do.

tifdaski84 · June 2013

blu-eyedwife:

kbruington:
I sort of think you are overreacting. Lay down some ground rules before she goes, like food, making sure they have a carseat, etc but ease up a little. Just because MIL is telling you about how it was back in her day, doesn't mean she would ignore the law now. As far as the food goes...so what if she eats snack food for one day? Fries won't kill her. I normally don't feed DS that but if it's a special occassion and family is spoiling him then I don't stress it. Just my opinion so take it how you will

Agreed

I'm with these guys. If your BIL and SIL are going to be there too, that's a lot of adults to keep an eye on DD. And they have a 2.5 so they know to keep a close watch.

But, ultimately, if you're not comfortable, you're not comfortable. If the decision's already been made, no need to worry about it now.

chardonnay24 · June 2013

kbruington:
I sort of think you are overreacting. Lay down some ground rules before she goes, like food, making sure they have a carseat, etc but ease up a little. Just because MIL is telling you about how it was back in her day, doesn't mean she would ignore the law now. As far as the food goes...so what if she eats snack food for one day? Fries won't kill her. I normally don't feed DS that but if it's a special occassion and family is spoiling him then I don't stress it. Just my opinion so take it how you will

This exactly.

JessWeck · June 2013

I don't think your over-reacting one bit. If your first response is feeling unknown or uncomfortable then I would stick to your guns.

I wouldn't allow my son to go if it were the same conditions that you stated.

ktpaladino · June 2013

If it were me in this situation, I'd try to ease up a little and let them take LO. But ONLY IF they were instructed on how to properly use a carseat, and I'd just pack a paper bag lunch for them to feed LO. If it goes poorly, then you say you tried and they don't get to take LO again in that type of environment. Also communication is key. I would find a nice way to voice all my concerns before hand so that they are aware of what is making you uneasy and hopefully they will try their best to work on these issues now and in the future.

CLL1001 · June 2013

kbruington:
I sort of think you are overreacting. Lay down some ground rules before she goes, like food, making sure they have a carseat, etc but ease up a little. Just because MIL is telling you about how it was back in her day, doesn't mean she would ignore the law now. As far as the food goes...so what if she eats snack food for one day? Fries won't kill her. I normally don't feed DS that but if it's a special occassion and family is spoiling him then I don't stress it. Just my opinion so take it how you will

I agree with this

Kb103109 · June 2013

I have a similar situation. My MIL is very overweight and my FIL does not pay very close attention to my girls and they get into everything when he is watching them. I always try to back off when they are around so they think they have more control of my girls, but I always am watching and listening to what is going on and step in if I need to. My MIL cannot keep up with my girls for more then 5 minutes. She is always asking to take them places and to have me leave them at their house for a while. But like you I do not trust them to feed them right and to make sure they don't get into things they shouldn't. My DH for a long time had a hard time saying no to his mom because she is the master of guilt trips and is relentless with asking us to do what she wants until we give in. So I do not think you are overreacting at all. I know it might hurt her feelings when you say no to things, but you have to do what makes you comfortable and what is best for your LO. I don't know if this will help, but what I have done recently is to have MIL come over for an hour or two while I go grocery shopping (just down the street) and she is starting to see just how much work two 18 month old kids are and the amount of requests to do things with them on her own has gone to almost zero.

nemosucksII · June 2013

DaisyBlinks:
Your in law situation sounds pretty similar to mine. MIL has been begging to take DS to the movies... I always say no and I probably would to the amusement park too. It's not that I think any if those things are that big a deal... It just all adds up, you know? And if you're not comfortable with it, you're not comfortable with it. You have to trust your gut, I think.

IS THIS FOR REAL?? You won't let your in laws take your DS to the movies? Wow, you sound like a real treat!

As for OP, I can kinda sorta see your point of view...just about your mil being over weight and not being able to chase your LO. However, about your mil giving your LO French fries?!?!? Seriously!? I feel bad for your in-laws! They obviously have had a lot more experience at parenting than you (seeing how you married their adult son!) She knows how to take care of babies/toddlers/children - let her spoil your LO and don't stress over the small stuff!!!

addam&tara · June 2013

Mama bears instincts are number 1 in my book. Don't feel bad either. My father is extremely overweight and I've hurt his feelings by having to say no a few times. My child's safety is my main concern and if my decision for my most precious gem hurts someone's feelings, they'll get over it.

kcisthebombdotcom · June 2013

It depends. If fil and mil are trying to bring four kids solo to this place and are very overweight, I think thats a reasonable concern. It's easier to keep up with older kids who can listen well vs a newly mobile toddler who lacks impulse control. If bil and sil are going and they're reasonably good parents, you're overreacting. I would go over carseat safety-I think that if your bil and sil are there they're not going to let them drive off with a 16 month old hopping around the backseat. The food thing is also ridiculous as well. One bad meal is not going to do irreparable damage to your kid. Let her have a great time with her cousins.

I think there are certain situations where it's completely reasonable to not let someone take your kids-unless there's more to the story we don't know about I do feel you're being unreasonable.

FabulousMrs.P · June 2013

Can either you or your husband take off from work to go with your DD? That way you could supervise, but your DD could have that experience with her cousins. Just say that it will be her first time at an amusement place and you want to watch her reaction to it.

michelle7482 · June 2013

You are overreacting with the French fries and soda. One time is not going to hurt your daughter. But if you don't trust your in laws, then who cares if you look like the bad guy. You are the mother and it's your job to protect your daughter no matter who you may unfortunately hurt.

Karen1998 · June 2013

Your child having crap for one meal once in a blue moon is no big deal. Ease up. You're being ridiculous on that front.

It sounds like you have real concerns with your MIL's ability to watch your child, though. That's a different issue. I get the impression that you've never let her watch your child alone. Unless you never see her, that strikes of trust issues - either some you have that are all your own (meaning, you have problems trusting people) or that she's done something that makes her untrustworthy. If she's done something that's made her untrustworthy, then why are you debating letting her watch your child? That would be an instant "no" to me.

You keep bringing up her weight, but not backing it up with anything that says that her weight actually limits her. It just sounds like you have an issue with food and an insecurity about weight, honestly. Now, if she's truly physically limited by her weight, and you're not just projecting that onto her, that's something else entirely.

The carseat thing is a non-issue to me, as both my parents and in-laws raised kids in a pre-carseat age. Both of them are anal as all get out about buckling kids in properly now. Just because she didn't use one, doesn't mean she won't follow your instruction to buckle your child in properly. Give her a chance. If she refuses to buckle your child in properly every time she drives with her, then she no longer gets the opportunity to drive with your child, period.

As several of the PPers brought it, there's a difference between MIL and FIL going with four kids to this place and MIL, FIL, SIL and BIL going with four kids to this place. Four kids in that age range are a lot to handle and are probably too much for MIL and FIL to handle alone, when they're not used to doing it daily. Though, you also have to figure in that the older children, especially if they're girls, will likely help with the younger ones. Boys tend to just run off and do their own thing at that age. So, that could make it easier to go to the amusement park with so many kids.

tbmadeamistake · June 2013

I would send her. Make sure that YOU install the car seat for them so you know that it's there properly, and that you adjust the straps to the tightness you like and don't show them how to adjust. A day of bad food won't hurt her in the long run, but if there's something you really don't want her to eat then put the nix on one or two things. If your BIL/SIL will also be there, even with their own kids, it won't be just on your MIL/FIL to watch your DD. If you let go this time and it goes well, it'll be easier next time and you'll have someone else you can leave the baby with. If it doesn't go well, eh, chalk it up to experience and remind your husband of it next time he's having trouble saying no. GL!

Suzanne68 · June 2013

I think you know best. My mother cannot be trusted except for like an hr and I won't let her out with my DD. She cannot run after her. She has repeatedly stated that she can't understand why car seats are so restrictive and just put her in my lap. She can't even buckle her in the stroller correctly. If you know (which it seems you answered yourself in the post) that they can't handle it then do what you feel comfortable with. Unfortunately some grand parents can't handle young kids. I think if someone feels you are over reacting they have not experienced it themselves. I thought my mom would be great with my daughter but I can tell her a million times and she does it her way. It's your child do what you feel is right.

Asquared · June 2013

Nope, not overreacting. There's a reason people stop having kids after 35-40. It's hard to keep up! Add in being extremely overweight and you know she's not going to be able to keep up w/ an active LO.

I've seen some old grandpa/ma types walking around little kids in a stroller and realized I'd never be able to do that w/ my crazy active kids.

sunnyday016 · June 2013

I think you're overreacting about the food & car seat issue. I would install the car seat myself, make sure they knew how to use it. And I would let them feed him whatever for the day. One day is not going to kill him or ruin his habits.

As for the play place itself, I would need to know that there was someone who would be able to climb all into it to get him if necessary. My DS is a wild man and has no fear so he would climb everywhere the big kids would go, and could easily get stuck. So, I would not be comfortable with having someone supervising him who would not physically be able to help him. However, if your BIL & sister are going, that shouldn't be a problem.

So yea, I think you need to loosen up and let them take your LO!

AsOctoberFalls · June 2013

I wish I had the problem of my in-laws wanting to spend time with my son.

Some of your concerns are valid (such as her ability to keep your son safe). Others are crazy (French fries aren't going to kill him for one meal).

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Is it time to let go?

Re: Is it time to let go?

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