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Blended Families
oh mother! Vent, advice WELCOME!
So a little update, ( I have not posted in a bit, nor am I regular.) I have been having issues with my SD, and I am happy to say my SO is finally working with me to curve the attitude. I think he really saw what I have been seeing when we hosted a birthday party for my son and she had a tantrum. I am really proud of the way he handled her and feel so much hope that our family is going to blend together happily ever after. (with a lot of work!)
...anyway, I am having a 'problem' with my mother. My sister is graduating from High School and my SO and I were invited. When I pointed out to my mother that we would have four kids that weekend she told me that 'his kids are not invited, its about your sister and family.' ER WTF MOM(!<-I said this in my head!)
I said sweetly, that his family is now my family and if all of my family was not welcome none of us would be attending. She did come around, and we are going...but im really shocked that she made a huge deal over this. She tried to say that I was picking my SO over my sister and that if his kids came it would take attention off my sister...its just a lot of crazy.
So to my question, has anyone had to deal with prickly Mothers or fathers or family with introducing your new family? how do you ease each into each others life? How do you cope with it?
Thanks for any advice, honestly I never really thought this would be a question of mine. I'm truly disappointed in my mother.
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Re: oh mother! Vent, advice WELCOME!
I'm the bm but I feel this way with my husbands brother and his wife. She will pretty much ignore me, and my kids. The youngest one is our daughter and she will say the odd thing about her, but it's mostly like what ever I don't do babies, or as his brother said to my H (who is a very proud FTD) ya so it's a baby. He didn't even look at her. This was just after she was born it still not any better.
It really bugged me to the point I removed them from FB I will not be getting gifts for them any more. I'm older have adult kids you know the been there did that type of attitude I won't play these games with a bunch of immature jerks. The rest of his family is great, its just them two and I won't waste my time on them. I tried for about 4yrs now I'm done.
I think for me it was just a gradual thing talking about anything and everything, kid related or not worked. I really didn't expect too much from them other then at least be civil.
Thanks, I don't understand how you could have a 'side eye' attitude with kids. I mean they are just children...jeez. Let them come eat cake, pat em on the head, and all is well. 'Im not asking for her to allow them to call her grandma or anything.
I am really annoyed at mother dearest. I frankly don't need to worry about every family event becoming a issues if it falls on a weekend we have ALL OUR kids. Furthermore, one day (not soon) we would love to try to have another child. Then what, that child is not welcome? I don't play the pick and choose game with kids. I'm just disgusted. I cant really articulate it any other way.
...ok I think my huff and puff is over.
I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say that I think you handled the situation with your mom really well! Without playing into the drama, you calmly stated that these children are part of your family, and that if you would not all be welcome, none of you would go. That sounds to me like the exact right thing. Good for you. And I know how hard it is to be so disappointed in a parent whom we see as "older and wiser" but turns out not to be wiser in some regards.
Just curious, what did your sister make of the whole thing? Is she concerned about getting enough attention, like your mom implied, or was your mom just using her as an excuse?
Either way, it sounds like you are doing the right thing not playing into the drama and giving your family time to come around. Sometimes time and standing your ground calmly is the only way to get people on board. Good luck!!
BFP #1 11/07/2012 EDD 07/09/2013 M/C 11/22/2012
BFP #2 02/05/2013 EDD 09/19/2013 Arrived via c-section 09/27/2013
I think you handled the situation really gracefully.
My parents have never pointedly not invited the step kids, but I know that they only really want to see their grand-daughter. Why? They have no emotional attachment to my stepkids. I understand that and try to schedule certain things when the SKs are with their mom.
Hey Yall, thanks so much for ALL the advice. It was really great to feel the support.
yes, we are not married yet. I have a feeling that is part of the problem, that and she is 'embarrassed' by our age difference. As for my sister she has no issues with it so ever. She is very mellow about everything, and just said' Whatever' when I called her, and not that I really care but wont say it whatever either.
My mom is that type of person where she must look like the best mom, most moral mom, have the best kids mom...yada yada...and I am so far from that. So im her 'bad kid'. Sadly my new family gets some of that put on them.
thanks guys! it is nice to have some outside input. (some days I think I am the crazy one)
Seriously, you handled the situation well. Depending on the ages of the children, she might have meant that they would disrupt the graduation, but that comes with the territory. I'll be damned if someone tells me part of my family is not invited for any reason. That happens once, and I am gone.
My mom has treated SD as a grandchild from day one. Even when we weren't married. She didn't call herself grandma or anything, but if ODS got something, SD would as well. BM actually told SD that my mom wasn't actually her grandma. I feel that's sad too. Kids need lots of love. Who cares where it comes from.
Sorry for the mini hijack. Lol