how to tell my sister

WhitneyLue · June 2013

I just recently found out i'm 5 Weeks pregnant with my third child, and this time we wanted to wait and reveal it to our families later down the road. But I would really like to tell my sister, but this is kinda a touchy subject for her. Even though she is only 21 and recently married she has always wanted kids and has recently discovered she might not be able to have kids. I want to share this news with her but I don't want to push her away because of it either. What is the best way to tell her any advice?

rjeller32 · June 2013

Lurking..

But my sister can't have children. My first was not planned, and before I told everyone, I set her aside privately, and told her. I let her take her anger out on me, I mean, I can't imagine what that would feel like. Once she knew, then I told everyone else. I just definitely didn't want to do it with the whole family there and have her break down or hate me for it.

With my second, I let her be in the L&D room. She wanted to experience it, since she couldn't for herself. Now, I wouldn't mind being a surrogate for her.

I think it's best to do it in a private setting, just you and her.

LSB02 · June 2013

I think it's great that you're trying to be considerate of her feelings and all...but I don't get this.

Your sister shouldn't be upset or angry...I'm sure she will be happy for you. Yeah in the back of her mind it might bring up those sad feelings for her, but I would think that by making it into a separate conversation just for her benefit that would make it more awkward/upsetting for her.

Honestly, I would tell her just how you will tell anyone else.

gingerbabe · June 2013

I agree with the PP that you should tell her in private. Even if she should be or wants to be happy for you, she's human and has feelings. She may need to break down a little, or maybe she won't, but I think it's better to give her time and a safe place to react naturally before everyone else knows. GL!

KFiori1 · June 2013

I agree with telling her privately. That is really tough. I have a friend who can't have children, and recently discovered that even IVF won't work, and it was really hard to tell her I am pregnant with my THIRD. I told her in private. It was awkward and I felt bad but it needed to be done

GL!

apostle85 · June 2013

Telling her privately is your best bet, and then give her some time to process things and give her some space. I just went through a similar experience with a friend and its still hard for us to talk because I know she is really sad about me being pregnant (she's been trying for over a year and I wasn't really even trying).

Just know that the emotions she is going to have aren't geared towards you, she just needs to process them.

zou bisou · June 2013

You're a good sister for considering her feelings. Many wouldn't be as kind. LSB02, I'm talking to you.

Tell her privately and in the form of communication that you think works best. Some say they'd want to hear it from you directly. For those, I'd recommend a phone conversation. Just because she'll want to congratulate you, and she may want to cry too. Nothing worse than being stuck in a conversation where all eyes are on you and you just want to sob. I've been in that exact same place. It sucks. If you talk a decent amount over email or social media, send a thoughtful email or a letter. Just tell her what's on your heart - that you've got special news and you know it could be hard for her for understandable reasons. Chances are, she'll be touched by your caring and it will make it that much easier for her to truly celebrate this baby.

WookieesCookies · June 2013

I've never really understood why people get angry at others for getting pregnant. It's not like there are only a certain number of babies for the picking and you are taking away from someone else's chance of getting one if you have one. You getting pregnant is not what is stopping her and I hate when moms have to feel guilty for having kids when someone else can't.

LSB02 · June 2013

Idani:
LSB02:
I think it's great that you're trying to be considerate of her feelings and all...but I don't get this.

Your sister shouldn't be upset or angry...I'm sure she will be happy for you. Yeah in the back of her mind it might bring up those sad feelings for her, but I would think that by making it into a separate conversation just for her benefit that would make it more awkward/upsetting for her.

Honestly, I would tell her just how you will tell anyone else.
You clearly have never dealt with IF or anything like that. Yes the others are completely right and private is the best. Depending on your sisters personality sometimes even in email is best. When we first struggled and people started to know about it, I was fine with being told privately. It wasn't that I wasn't happy for them but all I could think was how unfair it was that someone else got to experience pregnancy and I couldn't. After it became much longer, email was best because of all the different things we were trying and failing at. I couldn't be around someone that was telling me. I needed the personal time to sink the news in and then move on. You know your sister best to know if in person or email would be best but please don't do it when you tell everyone else.

Sorry, I don't agree. I would not want people to tip toe around me if I was the sister.

buffyverrban1 · June 2013

I agree with others, tell her in private or over the phone. It's not about her being angry at you, it's about her needing time to process.

After I'd get off the phone with someone telling me they were pregnant, I would cry. I would cry, not because I wished they didn't have it, but because I wished so desperately to have that news myself, to be making that phone call myself.

If I was told in person, I'd have to pretend to be happy, while holding in my tears. It was really really hard. I think it is much more considerate to tell her over the phone. (Or at the minimum, in private).

Then once she processes, she will be able to be happy for you.

To the people who don't understand it, the pain of infertility is constant. 8 months in a row, the day I got my period, someone would call me and tell me they were pregnant. Every month, it's all your spend your time, energy and money on. You don't drink because of where you are in your cycle, you spend every morning at the fertility clinic having blood work and ultrasounds. It becomes your life and every month when AF shows up, it is devastating. Every time. No exceptions.

You don't have to feel guilty, but it's nice to be considerate. If you know that it will be hard on someone to get the news, telling them privately is only polite.

LSB02 · June 2013

car seat:
LSB02:

Sorry, I don't agree. I would not want people to tip toe around me if I was the sister.

Come back to us and tell us how you feel when you've been told that you will never give birth to a live, biological child. Until you've dealt with these things you're in no position to decide how people who *have* dealt with them might feel.

First of all, nowhere in my post did I ever say that I've never experienced a loss.

Second of all, I'm just giving my opinion, which is the point of a public forum. My opinion is different from yours. That's fine with me.

LSB02 · June 2013

GhostMonkey:
LSB02:
car seat:
LSB02:

Sorry, I don't agree. I would not want people to tip toe around me if I was the sister.

Come back to us and tell us how you feel when you've been told that you will never give birth to a live, biological child. Until you've dealt with these things you're in no position to decide how people who *have* dealt with them might feel.

First of all, nowhere in my post did I ever say that I've never experienced a loss.
Second of all, I'm just giving my opinion, which is the point of a public forum. My opinion is different from yours. That's fine with me.
Your opinion is based in ignorance and is extremely inconsiderate.

Do you call everyone who has a different opinion than you ignorant? Because that is pretty ignorant in itself. I didn't post my opinion to open up an invitation for nonsense arguments in this forum, but I will not feel bad or apologize for my opinion, now or in any other post.

My only point here is to tell the OP my opinion. It's good that your opinion is different than mine so that the OP can have more than one.

zou bisou · June 2013

car seat:
LSB02:

Sorry, I don't agree. I would not want people to tip toe around me if I was the sister.

Come back to us and tell us how you feel when you've been told that you will never give birth to a live, biological child. Until you've dealt with these things you're in no position to decide how people who *have* dealt with them might feel.

Yes

Maybe an analogy will help. Imagine the sister is in a car crash and can't use her legs. The sibling who doesn't understand why conversation about completing her latest marathon is hard for the sister to hear would be a very thoughtless person.

cambosoup · June 2013

Oh, good lord. Yet another innocent thread that has taken a nasty turn. When will the insanity end? -_- OP asked people for advice. Not everyone is going to have the same opinion. Get over it and take a hike!

ANYWAYS! Back to the original question... I think you know your sister better than any of us so I think you have a better idea of how she will handle it. If I were in her shoes, I would want to be told privately but at the same time, in a manner that doesn't make me feel like I have to react a certain way. That way, she can have time to process it and the liberty to react however she needs to. I don't know your relationship all too well but come on, you're sisters. I doubt that she'll be angry and if she does become angry, I doubt it's anything personal and she'll probably learn how to handle her emotions eventually. Good luck!

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