Court of Public Opinion (Kinda long, but want catty opinions)

SingleMom31 · June 2013

I've mostly made up my mind, but I'm looking for confirmation that I'm not crazy... Or for someone to tell me that I'm so far off my rocker that I need to reconsider.

SO and I started dating in February 2012. We found out that we were expecting in mid-April (so about 2 months into our relationship). We decided to do it together, and in the last year have: bought a house and moved in together, welcomed our daughter, celebrated our one year anniversary, and seem to be doing very well. We've talked about getting married and both know that we're going to, and the only hold up at the moment to getting engaged is money for a ring. It's not that we can't afford it or couldn't get credit, but a ring isn't as far up on my priority list as finishing our basement is (which is where the spare cash is going these days). The few ladies that I know IRL that I've told that to have balked at the idea and think I'm coo coo for not really caring about the ring.

The other night, we were looking at gym memberships and realized that we didn't meet their definition of a family, so we had to pay for two adults + 1 child, rather than the discounted family price. I get that they have to define family somehow, so I don't mind that, but we ARE a family. So, I somewhat jokingly said, "Can't we just get hitched already so that we'll officially be a family?" That led to a whole discussion of whether we should just have a small ceremony (best friends and family - like 25 people tops) and then he could get me a ring later when we could afford it better. (Yes, I know that weddings cost money too, but my dad has already told me that he's put aside money for that - They're a bit 1950s like that.) Am I crazy for caring more about the marriage than the ring and the wedding? Am I going to regret not having the crazy wedding?

nanabanana06 · June 2013

Nope, not crazy. We're thinking of getting married soon and my ring doesn't even fit still. Sad

kescalera · June 2013

Speaking as one who got the custom ring (and waited an extra year for it so I could get it on my wedding day) not to mention having the full-blown, Catholic mass-wedding with 150+ guests...

Take your best friend(s), your baby girl & go to the courthouse. Tie a piece of string around your finger. Have a picnic in the park. It will mean so much more and you will never regret it a day in your life. You can always throw a big party later.

ExcitedAunt2b · June 2013

kescalera:
Speaking as one who got the custom ring (and waited an extra year for it so I could get it on my wedding day) not to mention having the full-blown, Catholic mass-wedding with 150+ guests...
Take your best friend(s), your baby girl & go to the courthouse. Tie a piece of string around your finger. Have a picnic in the park. It will mean so much more and you will never regret it a day in your life. You can always throw a big party later.

YES!! The day should be about you and your SO! Honestly, it ticks me off that you had to pay more because you aren't married and a "family".

myskyegirl · June 2013

I don't think it's crazy. I don't know where SO got my engagement ring, but, I we ordered our wedding bands off of Amazon, we had a total of 7 people at our wedding and got married by a JOTP in the Boston Commons and I wouldn't change it for the world. A ring doesn't make you married, do what makes you happy.

[Deleted User] · June 2013

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minervacullen · June 2013

I purposely picked out smaller, less gaudy, less expensive rings back in the day before we got engaged. I know people who've spent close to 10k on theirs, and their marriages don't mean more than mine. Heck several have gotten divorced. People couldn't understand why I didn't want a big ol' ring. I just wanted DH.

Get the ring later or just get a 60 band for the ceremony. People are way too into the fancy parts of weddings, not the actual marriage.

sschwege · June 2013

Not crazy at all! I think it's great that you see what's really important, the marriage! DH and I have the date we got engaged engraved on our wedding rings instead of our wedding date. We really feel like that was the day we became a family and decided to walk this journey together, our wedding day just made it official in the eyes of the law and the church.

rjeller32 · June 2013

I think it's kind of silly to care so much about a ring, so I understand where you are coming from. DH and I got married August 2011, and we didn't have a lot of extra money, so he bought me a cheap little thing, and we had a very small get together after a courthouse wedding.

I love my ring, because of the meaning, not how many carats it is. I had a few friends tease me for it compared to their giant rocks, but I honestly don't care. They can have their big giant rings, and their fancy traveling/child free lives, and I will enjoy my little ring and my lifestyle.

Do what you are comfortable with!

valeriegp · June 2013

I think it's crazy to let the lack of money for a ring keep you from getting married!

Also, you don't have to have an expensive ring. I am not legally married but DP and I wear matching rings and they only cost us about $300 total for both (and it could have been less but we have three teeny tiny diamonds on each ring. A simple band is less than $100). Are they small? Yes. Are they fancy? No. Does it matter? NOT ONE BIT!

LittleFish1 · June 2013

Do what you and your SO want. In my opinon, smaller wedding means less stress. In terms of rings, DH set a budget when we decided to get engaged, and we went through Shane Company at a friends reccomendation. Was able to select a nice but very reasonable diamond which got set into a simple band. Then also got a plain band. Love my rings and they work for me. Friend got engaged 6 years later, got a huge rock with extra blingy rocks and all I see are places for bits of poop to get stuck during diaper changes. She loves her rings and that's great for her, but NMS. Would much rather have additional living space over a rock. Do what suits you and your priorties.

One last add on, my parents got married when working in an isolated area, had ordered their fairly basic rings through a catalog (because that was the only way to do get the rings there), the rings never arrived, so the pastor and his wife gave them their rings to use. Wasnt until their 25th wedding anniversary that they found a different band for my mom.

JessAnnJ · June 2013

I think when you have a child first your perspective is much different so it's hard to imagine exactly how I would have viewed things, but I must admit I do love my ring. If I had a child I certainly would not delay getting married for a ring but I do have happy memories associated with him giving it to me so it's hard for me to imagine not having that. If I were in your situation I think I would still want an inexpensive ring and a proposal, but maybe that sounds old fashioned. Regarding the wedding we had 35 people at ours and it is a close second to my daughters birth when it comes to being one of the most amazing days in my life. So it doesn't have to be fancy but I think your plan to do something small is a good one. We still talk about how much we loved our wedding. I have been with my husband for almost 10 years and we have been married for 5. We are definitely happily married and not having a wedding would not have changed that, but I do think I would have missed out on a great day. So, I guess I'm saying of course the ring and wedding day are not more important, but your wedding day is definitely one of life's great days so I would take your family up on their offer.

nadiag7 · June 2013

I got married in my sister in laws dining room. It was me, my husband, my sister in law, her husband, our pastor, his wife, and 2 of our nephews. After we went out for dinner at a local restaurant. It was the happiest day of my life. No rings for either of us. You can have a big party for maybe your 1 year anniversary. As long as you know you won't regret it!

schumakr · June 2013

A wedding is what you make it. I think it would be great to take yout family down to the courthouse and get married. If you want everything else later do it. You're not crazy!

dkmc4ever · June 2013

Lurker from Jan 13 here (though DD was born in Dec). DH and I got, what we call "insurance married" about 2 years before we had our big wedding for show that everyone thinks was our wedding. We were living thousands of miles away from our family, I needed health insurance, bf had great insurance through his job, we paid $300 for a small beach ceremony and pictures. The photographer was our witness! It was very romantic and I'd do it again in a heartbeat!

mama2many · June 2013

Do it - rings are the symbol & you can start simple & can always upgrade. Or, Get a nicer ring at a pawn shop for a huge discount.

Weddings are easy to keep costs down. You can do JOTP or a small church (those don't usually charge much if anything) & a nice family dinner, a picnic in the park, or a huge BBQ. You can make it as simple or as elaborate as you want - all on a small budget. Our whole wedding cost us less than $3000, probably less than $2000 - and we had about 50 guests, old fashioned "wedding sandwiches", fruit & veggie trays, potato salad, and wedding cake (the most expensive thing at our wedding). we still had nice flowers because I bought flowering plants from Walmart & planted them in cute salvaged containers.

I can not imagine the people who spend $10K or more on what is essentially, a party. What a huge waste of money.

ambs7636 · June 2013

I've done it twice... The first time I was young and did the whole big thing we even released doves and it felt like a big show for EVERYONE ELSE. The 2nd time, we flew to Florida with 8 other people and it was so much more special. If you've got the right person, that's really all that should matter. And if you're that concerned about the ring, go get a nice looking CZ no one but you will know and you can swap it out later!

jsoubel · June 2013

My DH and I did both: justice of the peace and a wedding later. We did it out of necessity. The marriage meant more to me than the wedding, but it sure was fun to have the wedding shebang later.

sschwege · June 2013

mama2many:
Do it - rings are the symbol & you can start simple & can always upgrade. Or, Get a nicer ring at a pawn shop for a huge discount.
Weddings are easy to keep costs down. You can do JOTP or a small church (those don't usually charge much if anything) & a nice family dinner, a picnic in the park, or a huge BBQ. You can make it as simple or as elaborate as you want - all on a small budget. Our whole wedding cost us less than $3000, probably less than $2000 - and we had about 50 guests, old fashioned "wedding sandwiches", fruit & veggie trays, potato salad, and wedding cake (the most expensive thing at our wedding). we still had nice flowers because I bought flowering plants from Walmart & planted them in cute salvaged containers.
I can not imagine the people who spend $10K or more on what is essentially, a party. What a huge waste of money.

All that's needed for two people to get married is the cost of a marriage license, so $50 maybe? Someone could argue that spending $2,000-$3,000 is a 'huge waste of money'.

mama2many · June 2013

sschwege:
mama2many:
Do it - rings are the symbol & you can start simple & can always upgrade. Or, Get a nicer ring at a pawn shop for a huge discount.
Weddings are easy to keep costs down. You can do JOTP or a small church (those don't usually charge much if anything) & a nice family dinner, a picnic in the park, or a huge BBQ. You can make it as simple or as elaborate as you want - all on a small budget. Our whole wedding cost us less than $3000, probably less than $2000 - and we had about 50 guests, old fashioned "wedding sandwiches", fruit & veggie trays, potato salad, and wedding cake (the most expensive thing at our wedding). we still had nice flowers because I bought flowering plants from Walmart & planted them in cute salvaged containers.
I can not imagine the people who spend $10K or more on what is essentially, a party. What a huge waste of money.
All that's needed for two people to get married is the cost of a marriage license, so $50 maybe? Someone could argue that spending $2,000-$3,000 is a 'huge waste of money'.

Absolutely true. I was meaning that it didn't have to be "say yes to the dress"- style to be a nice wedding of her choosing & that the ring is just the symbol, not the marriage itself. Sorry it didn't come across more clearly -

sschwege · June 2013

mama2many:
sschwege:
mama2many:
Do it - rings are the symbol & you can start simple & can always upgrade. Or, Get a nicer ring at a pawn shop for a huge discount.
Weddings are easy to keep costs down. You can do JOTP or a small church (those don't usually charge much if anything) & a nice family dinner, a picnic in the park, or a huge BBQ. You can make it as simple or as elaborate as you want - all on a small budget. Our whole wedding cost us less than $3000, probably less than $2000 - and we had about 50 guests, old fashioned "wedding sandwiches", fruit & veggie trays, potato salad, and wedding cake (the most expensive thing at our wedding). we still had nice flowers because I bought flowering plants from Walmart & planted them in cute salvaged containers.
I can not imagine the people who spend $10K or more on what is essentially, a party. What a huge waste of money.
All that's needed for two people to get married is the cost of a marriage license, so $50 maybe? Someone could argue that spending $2,000-$3,000 is a 'huge waste of money'.
Absolutely true. I was meaning that it didn't have to be "say yes to the dress"- style to be a nice wedding of her choosing & that the ring is just the symbol, not the marriage itself. Sorry it didn't come across more clearly -

That makes more sense

Totally unrelated, but I have always admired you and your lovely family. Before I had kids I always wanted four, now that I have two, I want six. DH says we are stopping at three, so I guess that's it. While I'm sure it's a lot of work, it must be awesome to have such a nice sized family.

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