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OceanBreeze1
member
Need advice on my role as a BFF (REALLY LONG)
OceanBreeze1
member
For mobile: Need advice on my role as a BFF
BFF and I have been so for 21 years. She's like a sister to me, lives nearby, I'm her youngest's godmother, etc. Not sure how I should be reacting right now: she left him in March and now they're getting back together. Do I act supportive? Remind her why she left? Just listen? Ugh.
Backstory: BFF met her DH when she was 20-21, so like 14 years ago. They dated, broke up, got back together, she got PG, so they got married and had two more kids, all boys (now 10, 8 & 4).
Her DH has always been very immature and not the best husband. Plus there was an arrest for some pot years ago, which has affected his ability to get jobs, etc. And he continued to smoke it (not by her). Never mind that she can't stand the stuff. Whatever.
Right before their third kid, she was contemplating divorce. She consistently has thought about leaving because although she says she loves him, she has been unhappy. He wasn't a good communicator so would stay out all night (he works 6pm-2am) when he was mad, sometimes several nights a week. And he was lazy. Never taking care of anything with the house, bills, cars, anything. She also works.
He was never an a-hole, but just very immature and not great husband material. So she was unhappy more than she was happy. She'd leave for a weekend with the kids to "think about things." He'd beg her to come back and she would, he'd be great for a few weeks or a month then things would go back to normal.
Part of it was her "putting up with" it and not sticking to her guns -- because with three kids their place is a bit chaotic. And she's the type to make lemonade out of lemons.
So she got an apartment in March and he was pretty nasty to her when she left in the middle of the night. Granted, he had been threatening for weeks to throw her stuff on the lawn, so she didn't want to give him the opportunity.
But he calmed down and she wanted to remain friendly for the kids and because he watches them while she works. He would cry, write her letters, etc. so she said she wanted to try dating to see where things would go.
NOW: This is where we're at now. He stays over there now after work and they're talking about moving back together. She says he's communicating much better, taking responsibility for things around the house/bills/etc. that she did (because he has no choice?!) and that he'll be looking for a new daytime job (his job is another part of their argument). He hasn't had the best track record here either.
I think she's rushing in, mostly because she's struggling on her own. She's not the best money manager, has no other childcare, etc. And she's a hopeless romantic. She acknowledges he may not have changed, but wants to see.
I don't want to make her think she can't talk to me, because her parents/siblings are not very supportive about this. But, as her BFF, I feel like I can't just sit idly by either. Where's the line at how much I can remind her of how miserable she was -- and encouraging her to work things out?
I know it's not my life, but it kind of is. When she's in trouble/stressing, I'm the one who's there. I can't imagine what she's going through, or what she needs from me right now. I want her to know I support her, yet...I don't know.
If you read this novel, thanks. I have no one else to get advice from, so would appreciate thoughts, especially if anyone has left their SO.
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Re: Need advice on my role as a BFF (REALLY LONG)
My younger sister has a similar sort of relationship with her husband. I try to remember that she loves him and that is something I'll never fully be able to understand in the same way she won't ever understand the depths with which I love my husband. Anyway, I don't sugarcoat things but also try my hardest not to hold things that happened in the past against her husband.
In your situation, I would be straight forward and probably ask questions about what specifically they have agreed to as a couple for both of their behaviors and expectations moving forward. I would also ask what's the rush to get back together. She doesn't need to be living with him full-time to see if he's changed and why not get as much proof he's changed PRIOR to moving back in with him? In the long run that will save her not just heartache and grief but prossibly money and also I think that would be easier on the kids. Can you imagine how hard this must be on them moving in and then out and then in again?
Kelly, Mom to Christopher Shannon 9.27.06, Catherine Quinn 2.24.09, Trey Barton lost on 12.28.09, Therese Barton lost on 6.10.10, Joseph Sullivan 7.23.11, and our latest, Victoria Maren 11.15.12
Secondary infertility success with IVF, then two losses, one at 14 weeks and one at 10 weeks, then success with IUI and then just pure, crazy luck. Expecting our fifth in May as the result of a FET.
This Cluttered Life
Has she asked for your opinion/advice? If not, then don't give one. If she did ask, tell her that you love her no matter what she decides, but she is the only one who can decide what is right for her and what kind of life she wants to have. Leave it at that.
If you are critical of him, that will make things awkward if she does take him back. And if she doesn't take him back, she may end up partly "blaming" you if she has second thoughts later and wishes she had gone back with him.
See, that's the thing -- he's "agreed" to make changes before. So she says he's agreeing to A, B, and C...and tells me things he's doing that show her this. But they're the same things he's done before. She's admitted before she takes any little thing good that he does and runs with it -- because even if it's not what she exactly wants, it's *something*.
So do I nod and smile and say, "good for him," or do I call her on it? Gently?
As for the rush, because things are difficult for her. Money-wise and time-wise. I think I'd be more supportive if it had been a while.
This sounds good. You don't think that would make her want to back away from talking to me about it?
Good point. No, she hasn't, so I've been trying to refrain from saying much...but we also don't necessarily "ask" all the time. I'm trying to voice the thoughts she has in the back of her head to make her face them, without trying to sound like she's wrong for her decisions.
And thanks for the reminder about blaming him. I've really tried to commiserate when she's having troubles and then following her lead if things are going well. Fine line; I'll remember to keep things in check, thanks!
Thank you! Will do. Ah, but do I?! Sigh. I do, but if this whole thing happens again it will be rough, lol, for all of us.
Thank you! I try to tell her that I'm just trying to give her all sides, lol, but something tells me this time is going to be a lot more delicate. Good to know others go through this!
Best advice my mum gave me was to only give advice when asked for it. Then in my job the best advice I was given for when someone was complaining to me was to ask them whether they were telling me this because they wanted my input or just to vent? I found those two suggestions have helped clarify a lot of situations for me. My sister is one who asks for advice though and once you give it she argues with you about your opinion...so that's the only situation where it backfires for me.
GL.
This.
Not the same situation at all, but my best friend was dating this total DOUCHEBAG for like 10 years. Total lying, cheating, skeeze ball of a guy. A friend who was friends with one of the girls (there were many) he was cheating on her with sent me a link to a Facebook album of all of these pictures of them together vacationing in New York (we live in WI, so um, WTF) and I sent them to her basically telling her to WAKE UP and stop wasting her time with this dirt ball. It all backfired on me. He was calling and texting me constantly, she was pissed off at me (HUH???) and we ended up not speaking for months. We are friends again as she finally dumped the loser, but things never were really the same after that.
I would say keep your opinions and advice to yourself. Just be there for her and bite your tongue no matter how hard it is for you. What's that phrase? "Don't shoot the messenger." If you start telling her to leave him for good and that things aren't going to change and blah blah she may just go back to him and your friendship could suffer.
I have not read all of the responses, but I would just be supportive of her. It sounds like she is already getting it from her family. And more than likely she is going to do what she wants to do anyway and nothing you say or anyone else says is likely to make her "see the light."
I've been here before with friends and, honestly, unless the guy is just flat abusive to her or the kids (or doing something else truly horrible) getting into the middle of their relationship is probably not going to do anything but hurt your relationship with her. Be there for her when things come crashing down (if they do) and be supportive, but let her make her own mistakes.
2011: FSH 13.3 & E 99; AMH 0.54 2nd FSH 6.2 E 40's AFC: 8
BFP from Clomid/IUI ~ Pre-e and IUGR during pregnancy ~ DS born 9/4/12
Feb./March 2013: AMH less than 0.16 (undectable) and AFC = 4;
BFP from supps ~ DS#2 due May 2014
May 2014 January Siggy Challenge:
Something similar happened between two of my girlfriends in college over a guy. Girl A was dating Boyfriend. Girl B and I along with Girl A's boyfriend all lived together. Strange, I know. Then Girl A's Boyfriend (who was my roommate) hits on me. Literally, like busted up in my bedroom one night when I was asleep and was all like, "Can I see you naked?" I was just like, "Ugh, No." I debated over and over again whether to tell her. Seriously, I agonized over it. My concern was that I knew her boyfriend would deny it and I was afraid my friend would not believe me. My boyfriend at the time who knew all of us told me not to say anything. So I didn't and I pretty much just started spending every night with my boyfriend after that and moved out as soon as I could.
Then, about 4 months later, Girl A and Girl B get into a huge fight. Turns out, I guess Girl A's Boyfriend hit on Girl B, too! Girl B told Girl A and Girl A did not believe her. To add insult to injury, Girl A confronted her Boyfriend and her Boyfriend made up some outrageous story that him and Girl B had been having a torrid affair. Girl A believed her boyfriend and to this day still does not speak to Girl B!!!
After all of this, I told Girl A what had happened to me--thinking maybe she might believe Girl B then. Nope. She still believed boyfriend. Eventually, they did break up (thank goodness) and I'm still friends with her.
As an aside, if a friend's husband hit on me now, I would tell the friend regardless of the fall out because it is the right thing to do and I would want to know. But at the time, I was young and stupid and didn't want to lose a friendship.
What is my point to this? Some people are blind--B.L.I.N.D.--when it comes to their partners and nothing anyone else says is going to change that.
2011: FSH 13.3 & E 99; AMH 0.54 2nd FSH 6.2 E 40's AFC: 8
BFP from Clomid/IUI ~ Pre-e and IUGR during pregnancy ~ DS born 9/4/12
Feb./March 2013: AMH less than 0.16 (undectable) and AFC = 4;
BFP from supps ~ DS#2 due May 2014
May 2014 January Siggy Challenge:
All of this!! Be honest but support.
Exactly this. I've had problems with the second part of this advice with two very good friends in college. Both guys were d-bags and when they broke up, I commiserated echoing how dude was crappy. Both get back together and I'm the bad friend who doesn't like dude. One broke up for good a few years later and we had patched up our friendship pretty quickly and I held my tongue during the last breakup and we are still great friend. The second friend is married to the cheating jerkoff and we don't speak.
Sorry, that was long, but less is more. Also maybe ask her what she wants from you if she asks your opinion...support? A kick in the pants? Devils advocate? Your brutal honest opinion? Good luck!
Me-36, Unexplained Infertility, DH-35, all clear
Clomid 50mg 12/2011 = BFN
Clomid 100mg 1/2012 = BFN, with Cyst
IVF #1 Lupron/Menopur/Gonal-f/HCG Trigger
ER 4/19/12 = 11 retrieved, 6 fertilized,
ET 4/22/12 = 2 transfered (day 3), remaining 3 weren't good enough to freeze
Beta 5/3 = BFP, 87 Beta #2 5/7 560.9 Beta #3 5/9 1376.5 First u/s One Baby, 125bpm!
Second u/s, 176bmp! Kicked over to the OB by the RE at 8w. Team Green!!
Thanks so much, everyone, for your insight. I think I'll do my best to not say anything unless she asks -- but still asking her about what's going on. Maybe a few opening questions like "You sure this is what you want?" or something that can give her an opening to ask me what I think, lol. For now, at least.
Thank you for the reminders to keep my mouth shut!