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Blended Families
tracy41
member
Would like BF opinions on bday parties
tracy41
member
Hi, I do not have a BF myself but my XH has become involved with a woman with kids so I guess I'm the XW in their possible BF. I was hoping some of you who have some experience can offer some advice. I'll try to keep it short!
My son's 3rd bday is coming up in Aug and I've started planning his party. We had a joint party last year even though we were separated and it worked out fine. But I'm a little concerned about this year.
I originally started planning my own party at a local kids zoo and reserved a space for 25. But then I felt bad because I wanted all his cousins to be there. And I'm trying really hard to just forget all the drama he put me through that led to our divorce and just coparent peacefully.
My problem is he lives with his GF. They've been dating since Oct and living together almost as long so she knows my son well. I've only met her once for a few minutes but my son really seems to like her so she can't be that bad. So I thought okay I could handle her and her 12 year old. She doesn't have custody but he's there some weekends and my son talks about him and likes him.
Then I was told that she also has a 19 year old and 17 year old who live with their aunt. And my ex wants them invited as well. To my knowledge they have only met my son once.
I went to a bday party for my exSIL's daughter while my ex and his GF were in Hawaii and his whole family still seems good with me. My family would like to dismember my ex and hide the pieces in the desert but have been fairly well behaved recently when they've seen him. I'm not sure how they're going to handle the GF and her family. Heck, I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it.
My question is: am I crazy for even considering a joint party this year? What are your experiences with trying a combined party? Is it worth it to try it at least once for my son's sake and if it's a disaster just never do it again?
Sorry that was so long.
My son's 3rd bday is coming up in Aug and I've started planning his party. We had a joint party last year even though we were separated and it worked out fine. But I'm a little concerned about this year.
I originally started planning my own party at a local kids zoo and reserved a space for 25. But then I felt bad because I wanted all his cousins to be there. And I'm trying really hard to just forget all the drama he put me through that led to our divorce and just coparent peacefully.
My problem is he lives with his GF. They've been dating since Oct and living together almost as long so she knows my son well. I've only met her once for a few minutes but my son really seems to like her so she can't be that bad. So I thought okay I could handle her and her 12 year old. She doesn't have custody but he's there some weekends and my son talks about him and likes him.
Then I was told that she also has a 19 year old and 17 year old who live with their aunt. And my ex wants them invited as well. To my knowledge they have only met my son once.
I went to a bday party for my exSIL's daughter while my ex and his GF were in Hawaii and his whole family still seems good with me. My family would like to dismember my ex and hide the pieces in the desert but have been fairly well behaved recently when they've seen him. I'm not sure how they're going to handle the GF and her family. Heck, I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it.
My question is: am I crazy for even considering a joint party this year? What are your experiences with trying a combined party? Is it worth it to try it at least once for my son's sake and if it's a disaster just never do it again?
Sorry that was so long.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Would like BF opinions on bday parties
I've also never been invited to a shared party for my SD, those stopped when I was introduced into her life bc her mother is crazy and couldn't handle being around me so we've always done separate parties. Good luck!!
I'm not judging I'm just curious. If you aren't in a blended family then does that mean your 3 month old is your EXH's?
I think it's great you are willing to include EXH and his GF. I agree with PP about telling him you only have room for so many or whatever. I don't think the older kids would want to go anyway. We have never had a joint party for either SS but I do think it would be cool for the kids if we were able too.
I might be in the minority here but I think the GFs older kids would appreciate being invited. Their mother lives with your DS. I could see it being hurtful to them if they aren't invited but their mother and other family members (or family of your XH) are. If you're worried about how your family will treat them then a joint party might not be a good idea. Can you have a productive conversation with XH about all of this? Just explain that you're worried about it now because you can only invite so many people and you're worried about how your family will react. On the flip side, if I were you I would have a conversation with your family about treating XH well at least in public.
BD and I did a joint party for DS 2nd. We did separate plans for his 3rd. Things have escalated in the last year and I didn't think a joint party would be a good idea. Maybe later on we will be able to do joint parties again. The combined party we did actually went quite well, though BD was fairly uninvolved.
BFP #1 11/07/2012 EDD 07/09/2013 M/C 11/22/2012
BFP #2 02/05/2013 EDD 09/19/2013 Arrived via c-section 09/27/2013
I think that since you've already told XH about this party, that you should continue to do it jointly. I would also invite the older kids because most likely they won't come, and maybe it would show some good will. If the numbers are a problem, you can tell XH that you can only invite so many and that he would have to pay for the extra people or split it with you. In the future you can do separate parties so it won't be an issue.
We don't do joint parties because BM can't be civil towards DH. When it is just DH, Stepdad, and I, we all get along great. Throw BM into the mix and it makes it really awkward for everyone, including SS. This year SS just turned 10 and for the first time ever BM complained that we never asked her to do joint birthday parties, after we threw SS a big party and she didn't do anything, but I digress....
Anyway, like Jen said, I think you are doing a great job being very mature about the situation. Keep it up!
That was a great analogy! Especially after this weeks episode....I love that show! Sorry to post hijack but I had to respond.
In my opinion, if he isn't helping pay for this party, he and his new happy little family are all "guests". You should invite who you want.
If he feels his girlfriend's kids should be included in a birthday party for his son, then THEY can throw a party.
But remember, this is me talking...the one with ex-stepkids and an ex- husband who wouldn't contribute anything but drama to a party. I don't ever plan to include my ex to any birthday party whatsoever with my family and friends. They too do not want to be in his presence unless absolutely necessary. That means my death, or DD's most important life celebrations (i.e. wedding, graduation).
Going forward, if you really don't want to deal with this awkward situation again, I'd consider offering an every other year thing where one of you gets to have the big blow out party and it is up to them who they invite - including the other parent. You have your own seperate party. Simple little parties can be wonderful and memorable too. Bigger and "especially theme oriented" isn't necessarily better.
I'm still a little apprehensive given some of your comments but as the BM at least I can guarantee I won't be the problem!
And to the person who asked about my 3 month old, don't get me started! No XH is not his father, we had been separated a while by then, but his BD is not involved. Whole other drama! But part of the reason I keep trying to maintain peace with XH is how welcoming he's been of DS's little bro. Every time he does some nutty thing that pisses me off I remind myself!
And see I was being nice and leaving that alone! She had her oldest two when she was 15 and 17 years old, her youngest when she was 22. Very young parent. Until she moved in with XH she was living with her mom and had no room for the kids. That is the story I was told when I expressed concern. That and the brief meeting. This after XH moved her in and didn't bother to mention she was living with him when he had DS. I discovered her son's sleeping bag in a spare bedroom of our old home and all her stuff in the master closet when I went to move some last stuff out before the house sold.
Pissed me off at the time but it makes me laugh now because XH was living there without paying the mortgage while we waited on the sale so it strikes me as a little premature to be moving in together!
And as far as her GF status, XH assures me they are soul mates and will be together long term. He doesn't appreciate that I find this funny. Especially when I laughed when he told me at Xmas that he had bought her son tickets to Disneyland so they "could start making some family memories together." This when they had been dating for less than 3 months!
Anyway, thanks for letting me laugh it out again at what a mess they are. I remind myself at least once a week that I have no control over anything but my own actions.
Noted. I just had to comment one more time because I've been mobile bumping until now today and couldn't see your sig, but your son is adorable!
I think I like you!
We have only done one joint party and it was for DS's 1st birthday, 3 months after we had separated. It was at that party which was full of tension, fakeness and a giant elephant in the corner, that I knew I wanted to file for divorce.
XH and I are civil enough to each other so DS doesn't catch on that we don't like each other, but neither of us have any desire to do joint ventures in the future. I also don't want to subject our extended families to that either, as I know my parents think XH is disgusting and I can only imagine what XH's family thinks of me from the stories he's told (fabricated, of course).
Luckily DS's birthday falls on a holiday (NYE) so we just plan our party for him on the day before or the day of, whenever we have him. Works for us.