Advice please!

MAKENZIE06 · June 2013

With my first pregnancy 7 years ago, I had to have an emergency csection at 9 pm. I was so out of it, in so much pain, and was so swollen all over, I didn't even get to hold or breast feed her until the next morning. Even though several people came to visit me, I didn't get to see any of them that night. Now I'm remarried and I'm almost 17 weeks pregnant, I know I still have a while, but I'm looking for some advice on my next csection... I would really like for all visitors except my husband in surgery and my mom in the waiting room to wait until the next day to come see me and the baby. But because I don't really get along with my husbands mother, he thinks I'm trying to exclude her. I tried explaining that the only reason I want my mom there is because I'm her only girl, and this is major surgery it's more about her being there for me, not the baby. But he doesn't think it would be fair for my mom to be able to see and hold our baby before his mom. I thought about just letting his mom come the day of, but my husbands grandmother lives with her and would come too. I just feel so torn. Should I suck it up and deal with all the company even though I may feel really crappy, or should I tell my mom she can't come until the next day, or should I stick to my grounds and tell my husband that I'm the one having the surgery and I want my mom there but no one else?

babymama619 · June 2013

At first blush I say stick to your guns. Although I might change my opinion if this is you MIL's first grand baby and/or she doesn't have any daughters.

CandKS · June 2013

Yikes.... I can see where this is a sticky situation for you.

My sister-in-law just told me this story about this girl who needed to have an emergency C section, and while she was in recovery all of the family members in e waiting room got to hold her own baby before she did. Not sure if you could kindly explain to your MIL and hubster that you must want some time to recover, and time with your baby before having any visitors. I think it is hard for guys to understand the bond between a mother and a daughter.

Also, side question.. IF you do have visitors his your husband implying that his mom gets to hold the baby first?

MAKENZIE06 · June 2013

She doesn't have any daughters... She has 3 boys, however, she did get to be in the delivery room when my brother in law had their first child. My BIL wife was able to have a vdelivery. And is also pregnant again 2 weeks ahead of me.

MAKENZIE06 · June 2013

My fear is that I won't get a chance to bond and feed baby before getting passed around, along with the fear of feeling crappy and looking awful ... I don't think hubs is implying he wants his mom to hold baby before anyone else, he just doesn't want my mom to see and hold the baby a day before his

but I would really like for my mom to be there to help take care of me, not that hubs can't, but a little extra help so he and I both can bond with baby would be great! My mom is really great about knowing her boundaries and limits too!

Zippida · June 2013

That's a tough one. Although look on the bright side - if it was that big of a whirlwind the first time, maybe you won't remember her visit. Wink

Oicstars2 · June 2013

This is your baby, your decision, period. And I don't blame you. You dont need the whole world in the delivery room with you or around you. Nothing personal for your MIL but you just dont want a ton of visitors after your surgery and you dont want to be stressed. You want your mom there for comfort. Would it be possible for your MIL to stay in the waiting room and see the baby thru the glass and perhaps your hubby could carry the baby to the hall to see the baby but not bother you with her visiting you?

CandKS · June 2013

I totally understand wanting your mom there!!! No need to explain or give reasons for that! It's your MOM!!! Hopefully his mom can understand/appreciate that.

BSnipes35 · June 2013

I was in the same situation with DS1. I sucked it up and let the whole brood in. But, I told my nurses that morning that DH and i wanted alone time with DS1. So, they shooed everyone out when they brought him to me. DH was also instructed by me to stay with DS1 when they took him to the nursery, while I was being stapled.

My family and in laws knew I was bfing. But his family didn't respect it at all. His birth mother would just sit and stare at me. This time, things will be way different. I'll invite my mom into surgery, but she'll most likely decline because she's squeamish. And she can come to my room right after. But no one else. I hated having DS1 passed around like a hot potato. So, we will welcome DS2 with just me, DH and my mom. Everyone can come back that evening, AFTER DS1 has met his brother. I can't have him coming into a room while everyone is passing around his new baby. It will be a time for just the four of us to get to know each other. I was so stressed last time, and I'm not considering others feelings this time. Just not doing it.

MAKENZIE06 · June 2013

Having her stay in the waiting room and just seeing the baby could be a possibility, I'll have to check with the hospital.

MAKENZIE06 · June 2013

Thank you all so much for your advice! I think I may have come to the conclusion to have my mom there with my daughter waiting on me when I come out of surgery and ask his mother to come later in the evening, and all others wait until the next day! Seems like a good plan. :

lafsalot · June 2013

My preference would be for my husbands family to stay away the day of as well but I won't win that battle. I am going to have a hard time getting him to tell them that we have to get to know our baby when we bring baby home and to give us space.

mockingjay · June 2013

I'm with you, OP. Mom and MIL are different. I'm sorry, but they are. Your MIL did not raise you. Yes, the grand child belongs to her just as much as to your mom, but it is more important for you that your mom be there. And your mil will have to deal with it.
I'm also gearing up for expressing this to my mil... Politely and lovingly, of course.

BlessedinMN · June 2013

I certainly get where you are coming from. I am my moms only daughter as well out of four kids. We have a very special bond and the type of bond that would permit a normally very private person such as myself to invite her into the room. DH said he wanted it to be just me and him but I have a feeling that I am just going to want my mom! I say if you are the one going through such a grueling procedure, then it's your choice!

MAKENZIE06 · June 2013

Thank you all so much, you ladies are awesome! My husband was trying to tell me I was being selfish by only wanting my mom there the first day. I feel much better now! I think I'll stick to my guns! :

wendy2613 · June 2013

I am in the same kind of situation. had an emergency c/s last time. By the time I woke up everyone on both sides of the family had already met the baby before me.

This time will be different. Just husband and I. We will call both parents and family when we are ready for them to come to the hospital.

Do what makes you happy. Stand your ground. Everyone will get over it.

olemissreb1205 · June 2013

My best advice is to do what YOU are comfortable with... if that's your mom, have your mom and nobody else. I wouldnt let anyone in the room with the last two births other than my husband. The first time, I felt bad about it because they just sat in the waiting room for hours. But nobody made them. LOL Stick to your grounds... if you want your mom there and only your mom, I dont think that's too much to ask.

Jules122907 · June 2013

I had a emergency csect with my first and a scheduled with my second. Just keep in mind it will be a totally different experience than your first csect. Your body won't have the stress of labor and then the csect or the additional meds. You will most likely be scheduled first thing in the morning.
It is your right to make the decision your are comfortable with but I suggest you just tell them that you will let them know when you are comfortable with visitors.
I was totally out of it for 24 or more hours with my emergency csect. With my scheduled I was alert, talking to visitors and posting to Facebook by noon.

AshleyF1234 · June 2013

My husband and I have had similar conversations. My mom has been gone for 6 years, but if she were still alive... yes, I would want her there. No way do I want his mom there, for at least the first day. He didn't understand this until I explained it a little differently. When I am sick, even as an adult... I still want my mom. My mom being there, would be for me... not the baby. I know its not fair.. But what in life is fair. You do most of the work, so you should have the support you want. If DH was having the baby, and he wanted his mother... I think I would have to suck it up and understand... otherwise... even though it might not be a popular decision, I think you can pull rank. Especially since it is not at all unreasonable.

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