WWYD?

elvinnoe · June 2013

I went to my MIL's house today with DD and spent a few hours there. So, MIL was sitting on her chair holding Ivy and I was sitting on the couch with the dog, who barked and scared Ivy and she started crying. DH's ten year old brother, who is blind and autistic, walked into the living room and up to MIL and started hitting her and the baby. He was grabbing MIL's face as I flew off the couch and pulled him away, but he still managed to swing his arm back one more time and grabbed Ivy's face really hard.

It happened sooo fast and I was in complete disbelief that he had just done that. Apparently he can't handle babies crying and he panics. Ivy was cleared by her pediatrician, so we dont have anything serious to worry about, but she has a black eye and two scratches across her face.

Honestly, I don't want to bring her back. If something like that could happen with two adults right there, then who knows what else could happen. I realize he's disabled and as severe as his autism is, he doesn't know better, but at the same time, one injury is bad enough and she's lucky he missed her eye. Which by the way, he barely missed. The scratch next to her eye is on her lower eyelid next to her nose. In other words, way too freaking close.

I want her to be around her grandparents, but I just don't want to be there. And they don't go out much because it's so hard taking him with them and even harder to find someone they trust to watch him.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

JessAnnJ · June 2013

Wow that is really unbelievabje. Honestly my baby is my priority. If DH's brother acts like this when a baby cries then he can't be around babies. It sounds like it's not good for him either if it causes that type of response. I would say only go to the grandparents house for very short periods when DH is present and even then I would only feel comfortable with the baby in a locked room visiting with one grandparent. He absolutely cannot be left alone there. It's said because I know life must be very tough for your IL's but your job is to protect your LO.

schumakr · June 2013

My brother has Tourette Syndrome and cannot be around the baby. He gets jealous, moody, and aggressive, so we just don't put ourselves in the situation anymore. He's an adult, so its a bit different, but the same idea. Is there any way to meet your ILs at a neutral place without the brother, or do they take him everywhere?

Maybe your MIL could find something for the brother to do while you're visiting. A special game or activity or something. Keep him occupied. It wouldn't work for long I don't think, but its an idea. What about a bottle filled with water, glitter, and oil? Or a stress ball?

Is he high functioning? Can you both go there without the baby and have a sit down with the brother and your MIL? Make it in terms he can understand, very to the point. You need to tell him the baby will be around, and even though you know it's hard for him, he needs to try to be careful around her. You all could explain to him that sometimes babies can be really loud, but we can do things to calm her down. See if he would like to sing to her, or show him how he can talk nicely to her.

I don't know if any of these are possible, but just a few ideas. Good luck. Glad to hear Ivy is okay. :-)

rjeller32 · June 2013

schumakr:
My brother has Tourette Syndrome and cannot be around the baby. He gets jealous, moody, and aggressive, so we just don't put ourselves in the situation anymore. He's an adult, so its a bit different, but the same idea. Is there any way to meet your ILs at a neutral place without the brother, or do they take him everywhere?
Maybe your MIL could find something for the brother to do while you're visiting. A special game or activity or something. Keep him occupied. It wouldn't work for long I don't think, but its an idea. What about a bottle filled with water, glitter, and oil? Or a stress ball?
Is he high functioning? Can you both go there without the baby and have a sit down with the brother and your MIL? Make it in terms he can understand, very to the point. You need to tell him the baby will be around, and even though you know it's hard for him, he needs to try to be careful around her. You all could explain to him that sometimes babies can be really loud, but we can do things to calm her down. See if he would like to sing to her, or show him how he can talk nicely to her.
I don't know if any of these are possible, but just a few ideas. Good luck. Glad to hear Ivy is okay. :-)

I agree with this. And just a thought of my own is that eventually you might want to figure out a way for him to adjust, because LO's don't really quiet with age. Can he handle older ages (toddles, pre-k and so on?). It seems like a really important thing to discuss with your MIL just for the sheer fact that neither of them are going away anytime soon so eventually there needs to be a longer term solution.

I would be so sad to see a LO with a black eye Sad Hugs definitely being sent your way!

twister22 · June 2013

When you go over there can DH's Bro be in his room and have headphones on and listen to music? That way he won't hear the baby. ILs are already going through a lot raising an autistic and blind son, and it would really kill them to keep their grandchild from them as well. I understand you're trying to protect your LO though.

Beth.1212 · June 2013

Do you guys have a good relationship with your MIL and FIL? If so, I'd see if DH could recruit their help in developing a solution. He could tell them that you really want LO to have a relationship with them, but that the four of you need to figure out a way to have them visit with LO without DH's brother having any sort of access to the baby. (Putting LO in his path again is not an option, and they need to realize that.) Maybe they'll want to trade off visits (one grandparent stays with DH's brother, the other visits the baby), or visit with the baby in a locked room in their house that lil bro doesn't have access to. Or maybe they'll have some alternative that no one else has thought of yet.

Anyways, that's my long winded way of saying you could recruit MIL and FIL as allies in helping you solve this problem. They may be happier with a solution that they helped to craft.

Glad to hear that LO didn't have any lasting injuries this time!

Jackiemxoxo · June 2013

JessAnnJ:
Wow that is really unbelievabje. Honestly my baby is my priority. If DH's brother acts like this when a baby cries then he can't be around babies. It sounds like it's not good for him either if it causes that type of response. I would say only go to the grandparents house for very short periods when DH is present and even then I would only feel comfortable with the baby in a locked room visiting with one grandparent. He absolutely cannot be left alone there. It's said because I know life must be very tough for your IL's but your job is to protect your LO.

All of this. Trust your gut and do what you need to do to for your little one's safety. I agree with the short periods of time and only if DH is there to help.

kerbear135 · June 2013

Does DH have any experience watching is brother? Could he offer to go over to their house and spend time with his brother while his parents came to your house and visited with LO? I understand why other posters are suggesting the grandparents visit in a locked room in their house, but I would worry that would create some sort of jealousy with their son that might cause him to act out towards his parents after you left.

dlbello23 · June 2013

Poor baby, glad she is ok. That's a tough situation but you definitely need to protect the baby. Hopefully you find a solution that works, lots of good suggestions from other posters. Good luck!

kescalera · June 2013

Yikes! I would definitely not allow the brother near LO. If you do go over to ILs I would make sure that if the brother is in the room or comes in the room he needs to be sitting next to an adult who has a hand on him at all times.

elvinnoe · June 2013

Thank you for all of your replies and suggestions. I really needed perspective because I was so upset about it and didn't know if I was overreacting or not reacting enough.

DH and I had a long talk about it late last night and at first he seemed hurt because I was suggesting not bringing her over there again, but he came around and agreed her safety comes first and we'll need to figure something out. I do want her to be around his parents, and when she's old enough to understand her uncle and how to protect herself, then I don't mind her being around him either, but for now something needs to be done. I suggested involving his parents in coming up with a solution (thanks for mentioning that), but he disagreed and said he doesn't think they would take that well and would automatically assume that I don't want her around them. Since we haven't come up with anything yet, we will temporarily stop going over there until we agree on how to deal with it.

This also brought up the conversation about what will happen to him later. DH's parents had him later in life and in the past year they have both been hospitalized for different things - MIL found out she's diabetic and last month FIL had two heart attacks. This worries me because they've never had anyone else watch Samuel (his name btw) before other than DH. I asked him if he knows what plans they've made for him in case of their death - which should be done in my opinion; we're in our 20's and have already taken care of that - and he said they haven't and he's pretty sure they assume either we will take care of him or DH's sister will. I was just like ohhhh no, we're going to talk about this lol.

So yeah. A lot needs to be done right now. In a way, I'm glad this has brought up the opportunity to get these issues worked out, because I'm a huge believer in planning ahead and DH's parents aren't like that at all. I don't even know if they have saved a retirement. Again, a lot needs to be done.

I take back everything I said as a kid about wanting to be an adult. This part of it sucks.

Notwifezilla7 · June 2013

How old is he?

Is there any sort of school/job/activities he does outside of his parents house?

aelhunt · June 2013

I have to say I was crying reading this and I wasn't even there! You were not over reacting to say to not bring her back. I would react the same way-it is natural. I think you need some time away for the situation and start to feel comfortable about going there again. I would not allow him near her though and would have a conversation before you go with the inlaws.

You have a right to know she is safe at all times and since you know he has triggers that relate to babies, it is not unreasonable to want a safe distance from him. Having his care fall on you guys is another story. Again, if babies are his triggers and you plan on having more, they need to start looking at places for long term care.

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