MIL/DH issue-please help

ktpaladino · June 2013

Hey guys, this is long and I apologize.

Background: DH is your classic Italian boy that sides with his mommy no matter what. And MIL is your classic strong opinionated mama that knows best about everything having to do with raising kids, because she raised 4 of them. (Not trying to offend anyone who is Italian by those statements, just saying that they, in particular, fall into that unfortunate stereotype)

Today DH approached me and said that his mom said we need to stop giving milk before naps because the sugar in the milk is going to rot LO's teeth. I have heard that this can happen commonly with bottles, however he uses a straw sippy which is supposed to be better for their teeth. Also, I know this can happen when you give LO the sippy in bed as they could fall asleep with it in their mouths. I rock LO for 10 minutes after he is done drinking his sippy. I also brush his teeth twice daily.

DH gets very upset with me when I get defensive, but of course I'm going to argue when all MIL does is tell me what I'm doing wrong. DH is plays the "yeah you're always right and my mom has no idea what she's talking about even though she raised 4 kids and I don't know why you never listen to her" card. Every time he approaches me with a " MIL says you need to do this" talk, a fight ensues no matter how much I try to brush it off. Like today for instance I told him everything I just said above and said I would speak to the pediatrician about it, and it still blew up into a "you never want to listen to me and my mother" fight.

It's not just this issue. We went to the beach with his family over the holiday weekend, and all I heard the whole vacation was "you shouldn't do this" and "you ought to be doing that" from his mother. I can only take so much. It's driving me nuts. I think part of the problem is that I never hear any praise, or am never told what I'm doing right from either of them. I feel like I'm being ganged up on all the time.

First of all, do you think I need to stop giving him milk before naps given all I mentioned above? The pediatrician has not called me back yet.

And second of all do you have any advice or ideas on how to approach this problem differently? Because I am obviously extremely frustrated at this point and could use some help/words of encouragement.

Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read or respond.

Wipz · June 2013

Give him the number for Child Protective Services and tell him if HE thinks you are such a lousy mother then go right ahead and call them.

pat7638 · June 2013

Wow.........I think hubby should go home and live with mama.....LOL but seriously you need to address this head on. Tell mama's boy that you will NOT TOLERATE any more of this behavior either from him or mama. The issue is that they are overbearing and he is playing right along. STAND STRONG and tell them both to STFU and let you parent your own child.

She might have raised 4 children but you know at least 1 of them doesn't have his own independence if he is still listening to MAMA OVER HIS WIFE.

The milk isn't an issue.....your husband and MIL are.....Good Luck

BettyBloom · June 2013

When H or anyone questions what I do, I do my research. This means reading several medical websites, calling the pedi and talking to mom friends. Then I tell H what I found out. That usually settles any disagreements. Sometimes I am right and sometimes I am wrong. That's my only advice but you've called the pedi already.

Sorry you feel ganged up on an are not getting praise. If I need to hear it, I ask H to tell me what I'm doing right or to tell me how I'm a good mom.

Also, I don't think milk prior to nap time is an issue. Like you stated, its the pooling of milk in the mouth that is an issue (from what I've heard).

buzzbee24 · June 2013

BettyBloom:
When H or anyone questions what I do, I do my research. This means reading several medical websites, calling the pedi and talking to mom friends. Then I tell H what I found out. That usually settles any disagreements. Sometimes I am right and sometimes I am wrong. That's my only advice but you've called the pedi already. Sorry you feel ganged up on an are not getting praise. If I need to hear it, I ask H to tell me what I'm doing right or to tell me how I'm a good mom. Also, I don't think milk prior to nap time is an issue. Like you stated, its the pooling of milk in the mouth that is an issue from what I've heard.

I agree completely! It's the pooling, not milk itself before nap. Sorry you have to deal with an overbearing MIL.

StacyJYay · June 2013

I agree with you on the milk issue. With regard to the bigger picture, I think that DH is treating you very unfairly. He's choosing his mother over you, and that needs to stop. Can you suggest counseling -- if only a few sessions? It sounds like you're at your wits end and he may need (professional) help to see how being a mama's boy is going to affect his marriage.

gracefulruby33 · June 2013

I would confront your MIL about sticking her nose in your business. I'm sure she means well, and I'm sure you realize that she does, but I would (in a sensitive manner) just say that you appreciate her concern but to ask her to trust you when it comes to raising your child(ren). I bet she would understand and apologize.

As for your H, I would go easy on him. He loves and trusts his mom and also means well. Just also ask him to trust you. Remind him that he knows that you're a good mom and if there is any real concern, you'll look into it.

I think PPs are a little harsh on this issue. I really don't think your MIL (and DH) is trying to be hard on you on purpose.

vjmc21 · June 2013

I agree with the counseling suggestion. If everytime this comes up, it turns into a fight, I think an outside party might be necessary to help mediate. I'm sorry about the overbearing MIL. I can unfortunately relate to that and I think we'd be in counseling over the issue too, if my DH didn't have my back. Best of luck!

Wipz · June 2013

gracefulruby33:
I would confront your MIL about sticking her nose in your business. I'm sure she means well, and I'm sure you realize that she does, but I would (in a sensitive manner) just say that you appreciate her concern but to ask her to trust you when it comes to raising your child(ren). I bet she would understand and apologize.
As for your H, I would go easy on him. He loves and trusts his mom and also means well. Just also ask him to trust you. Remind him that he knows that you're a good mom and if there is any real concern, you'll look into it.
I think PPs are a little harsh on this issue. I really don't think your MIL (and DH) is trying to be hard on you on purpose.

It's called playing Devils advocate.. nothing makes you sit back and take a breathe and realize your other half isn't a total dickwad afterall than having other people sympathize with your moaning session and telling you he is a total loser.

You soon find yourself defending them and pointing out their good points and realize for yourself you really are overstating the problem.

If you don't... then he is a total dickwad and you should listen to PP's lol Wink

MountainRose12 · June 2013

. . . Lurking . . .

Although my DH will always support me in a dispute with the in-laws, my in-laws can be overreaching too. I married into a family of old-school pediatricians, which is less helpful than you might imagine. We practice an AP philosophy; my in-laws don't get it.

Anyway, one day while FIL/MIL were giving me grief about refusing to let DD "cry it out," I decided to tackle the issue head on. I told them that they must have been wonderful parents because they have two wonderful children; I married one of them. I acknowledged their professional merits; they sustained a successful practice for decades. Then I explained that as a new mom, I needed their love and support . . . that instead of helping, their constant "insights" and "reminders" were straining our relationship.

I also made a point to stress the special role I want them to play as grandparents in DD's life. They are not her parents or her pediatricians, but they are just as important. They get to love her and care for her and have fun with her without governing the details of her sleeping or eating habits. They seem to have accepted this. Plus, the older DD gets, the less they seem to intrude.

My advice is to tell your MIL that it's not a competition, that your son needs both his mother and his grandmother. Like she mothered her children, you need the opportunity to mother yours. Explain that now she gets to grand-mother your son, which is a special relationship that only they will share. Sometime an honest conversation goes along way.

Good luck!

mben1119 · June 2013

My husband would never side with his mother against me, particularly when it comes to raising our child. You need to tell your husband that he needs to have your back, no matter what. And he needs to tell his mother to mind her own flucking business. She raised her kids, now you get to raise yours.

hopefulmom81 · June 2013

mabenner1:
My husband would never side with his mother against me, particularly when it comes to raising our child. You need to tell your husband that he needs to have your back, no matter what. And he needs to tell his mother to mind her own flucking business. She raised her kids, now you get to raise yours.

This exactly.

Just because someone has raised a child doesn't mean squat. They aren't raising YOUR child who is a unique person.

If DH took his mom's side openly in an argument with me, I would lose my mind. The fallout would not be pretty.

boogerbearoriginal · June 2013

MountainRose12:
. . . Lurking . . .
Although my DH will always support me in a dispute with the in-laws, my in-laws can be overreaching too. I married into a family of old-school pediatricians, which is less helpful than you might imagine. We practice an AP philosophy; my in-laws don't get it.
Anyway, one day while FIL/MIL were giving me grief about refusing to let DD "cry it out," I decided to tackle the issue head on. I told them that they must have been wonderful parents because they have two wonderful children; I married one of them. I acknowledged their professional merits; they sustained a successful practice for decades. Then I explained that as a new mom, I needed their love and support . . . that instead of helping, their constant "insights" and "reminders" were straining our relationship.
I also made a point to stress the special role I want them to play as grandparents in DD's life. They are not her parents or her pediatricians, but they are just as important. They get to love her and care for her and have fun with her without governing the details of her sleeping or eating habits. They seem to have accepted this. Plus, the older DD gets, the less they seem to intrude.
My advice is to tell your MIL that it's not a competition, that your son needs both his mother and his grandmother. Like she mothered her children, you need the opportunity to mother yours. Explain that now she gets to grand-mother your son, which is a special relationship that only they will share. Sometime an honest conversation goes along way.
Good luck!

ITA that having an honest, heartfelt discussion directly with MIL may help her be less overbearing.

And it sounds like one is overdue with H too. You should have a talk with him outside of an actual incident and explain that you feel slighted when he always is siding with his mother. It's not to say she's right or wrong, but that you need to be a team. So instead of, Sure Mom I'll tell wifey to stop doing x. It should be, thanks for the advice Mom, I'll talk it over with wife and maybe it will help.

MILs can sometimes have good advice, but it's hard to hear if you are only hearing what you are doing wrong. It sounds like she's just trying to help, but going about it in a way that's negative. Hopefully her and H can change, it sounds like all of your relationships are being strained.

Regarding the actual milk question, TBH I don't know. I can't imagine it's good to have food/milk right before laying down but I don't think it's the same as being put down with a bottle because as PPs mentioned the milk pooling/sitting in the child's mouth is associated with dental caries.

Nel11 · June 2013

MountainRose12:
. . . Lurking . . .
Although my DH will always support me in a dispute with the in-laws, my in-laws can be overreaching too. I married into a family of old-school pediatricians, which is less helpful than you might imagine. We practice an AP philosophy; my in-laws don't get it.
Anyway, one day while FIL/MIL were giving me grief about refusing to let DD "cry it out," I decided to tackle the issue head on. I told them that they must have been wonderful parents because they have two wonderful children; I married one of them. I acknowledged their professional merits; they sustained a successful practice for decades. Then I explained that as a new mom, I needed their love and support . . . that instead of helping, their constant "insights" and "reminders" were straining our relationship.
I also made a point to stress the special role I want them to play as grandparents in DD's life. They are not her parents or her pediatricians, but they are just as important. They get to love her and care for her and have fun with her without governing the details of her sleeping or eating habits. They seem to have accepted this. Plus, the older DD gets, the less they seem to intrude.
My advice is to tell your MIL that it's not a competition, that your son needs both his mother and his grandmother. Like she mothered her children, you need the opportunity to mother yours. Explain that now she gets to grand-mother your son, which is a special relationship that only they will share. Sometime an honest conversation goes along way.
Good luck!

This is good advice... I would go this route first... have an honest conversation with both your MIL and your DH. Do it when you aren't already arguing about something. If things don't improve, I would sit down with DH again and seriously consider a few counseling sessions. GL!

Mustardseed2007 · June 2013

MountainRose12:
. . . Lurking . . .
Although my DH will always support me in a dispute with the in-laws, my in-laws can be overreaching too. I married into a family of old-school pediatricians, which is less helpful than you might imagine. We practice an AP philosophy; my in-laws don't get it.
Anyway, one day while FIL/MIL were giving me grief about refusing to let DD "cry it out," I decided to tackle the issue head on. I told them that they must have been wonderful parents because they have two wonderful children; I married one of them. I acknowledged their professional merits; they sustained a successful practice for decades. Then I explained that as a new mom, I needed their love and support . . . that instead of helping, their constant "insights" and "reminders" were straining our relationship.
I also made a point to stress the special role I want them to play as grandparents in DD's life. They are not her parents or her pediatricians, but they are just as important. They get to love her and care for her and have fun with her without governing the details of her sleeping or eating habits. They seem to have accepted this. Plus, the older DD gets, the less they seem to intrude.
My advice is to tell your MIL that it's not a competition, that your son needs both his mother and his grandmother. Like she mothered her children, you need the opportunity to mother yours. Explain that now she gets to grand-mother your son, which is a special relationship that only they will share. Sometime an honest conversation goes along way.
Good luck!

I think this is very helpful as is the PP that said you need to tell your husband 3 things you do that make you a great mom.

It will remind him that you are doing a few things right and make you feel better too. It also might help him to realize that constant criticism starts to wear on a person's spirit.

ktpaladino · June 2013

Thank you for all the wonderful advice everyone! To be fair, DH and I dated for 10 years before getting married and I knew full well what I was getting myself into. I absolutely knew I was marrying a mama's boy....I guess I just didn't foresee the issues that was going to cause as far as parenting goes. Up until now, it hasn't really ever put too much of a strain on our relationship. I wouldn't go so far as to say we shouldn't be trying for number two...that's a little harsh...he is an amazing father! But it is time to sit down and have a serious heart to heart about his mom, and about him supporting me and trusting my parenting more. I think there are many couples out there with in-law issues! Anyhow I appreciate all your input and I'll definitely be using some of your points in our discussion. Thanks again.

sportsmomma · June 2013

One other thing that might work is telling MIL some things she does great with LO or how some advice she gave did help. She may be feeling a bit like you are that she never gets to hear what she does right.

I agree with all the other suggestions but just thought of that as well.

BoeingBabies · June 2013

If my MIL ever dared tell me I should or ought to be doing something, I wouldn't be as nice. I would tell her that she raised her kids, and that's great, she's retired from "raising kids"!

As for my husband..... if he DARED even think of starting that fight, the result is very easy. I would walk to the door, open it, and stand there. If he even thought of telling me I need to do something with our children because his mother said so, he can go move in with her. He has two choices, 1: Refuse to entertain any ideas of anything we should be doing. 2: Move in with his mother.

Sorry, I put very firm boundaries up, and I think that's why they know they could never even think to pull this stunt. Not that firm boundaries would work, but I think you should be pulling up concrete walls around yourself when it comes to her telling you what to do.

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