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Blended Families
I'm a occasional lurker but now need some advice about how to forge a relationship with my new step
Hello,
I've been lurking on this board for a little while and now need some advice. Hopefully someone will be able to offer some insight.
It's a complicated situation so hopefully my explanation makes sense.
My (now) husband and I have been together about 4 years, living together for 2 of those years, and married since this past September. Together we have a 3 month old son. My husband also has a 15 year old son; my new step son. We'll call SS "T".
When DH and I started seeing each other, T and his mother had just moved a few time zones away. I didn't meet him [SS] until about 2 months after DH and I had moved location and moved in together. New town. New life. I believe the custody arrangement is joint custody, however, due to geographical location of both parties, T lives with his mother and DH gets him 1 week at Thanksgiving, 1 week for his spring break, and a month-ish during the summer. Not a lot. If we lived closer it would be more but that is not going to happen any time in the near future. So we're a part time blended family. Very part time. So back to the first meet and greet... Jumping into the role of step parent, or at the time of the first meeting I was "Dad's girlfriend", was a HUGE adjustment for me. I've seen him during the agreed upon times every year for the past three years... to sum it up... we haven't spent that much time together at all.
Here's a little bit more backstory... DH and T don't have a great relationship at all. I think there are a lot of unresolved issues between them that haven't been addressed so it's a strained relationship. I know that DH loves him SO much and is trying very hard to be the best father he can be, but T doesn't seem to be very receptive to it. I think it's also hard because they have very few things in common. One thing I would like to point out... DH has admitted and accepted that there are certain things he would have done differently raising T. (I feel lucky in a weird way. Our 3 month old son is going to benefit greatly from DH recognizing some of his errors. DH feels like this is his second chance to get it right and have a great family life.)
Enough backstory? There are a lot of things going on. I don't know how to be a step-parent (I'm just trying to figure out how to take care of a baby!). T is with us for a month. We're on day 2 and it is SOOO awkward. He doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with DH or I. DH is at work all day and I'm a new SAHM (still getting used to that one!!) taking care of a baby while T is upstairs in his room playing on his computer.
I feel like T and I have spent time together, but never forged a relationship. How do I even begin to forge a relationship if him and DH have a crappy one?
Part of me wants to just ignore it, suck it up, and remind myself that he'll be gone in a month... but I want my new baby to have a relationship with his half brother. I want DH to have a relationship with T. I want to have some sort of a relationship with T as well, but I don't know how to do that. I want him to feel comfortable while he's here with us. But I have no idea what to talk to him about... I have cousins his age and practically never run out of things to talk to them about. Why can I never think of anything to say to T?
If anyone has any constructive advice or comments or anything on "how to talk to a 15 year old who really doesn't want to be here and doesn't like you"... I feel like I've most likely left out bits and pieces so if anything is confusing then just ask and I shall fill you in.
Is anyone else in a similar situation?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I'm a occasional lurker but now need some advice about how to forge a relationship with my new step
He's 15 years old? Why not just talk to him kind of frankly? Why not just say 'Hey, so we don't know each other very well. But I would like to get to know you, and to do what I can do help you have a good time when you are here.'
Maybe he'd like to go to the market w/ you or your husband and pick out some food/snacks he'd like around the house. Maybe he'd like to Netflix some movies and watch one with you after the baby goes to bed. Maybe you can find out what sport he favors and get tickets for something local. Maybe you can put the baby in the stroller and find a college campus nearby and go for a walk, and ask him about his future. Maybe he won't want to do anything but sit on the computer, and if so I think that's a normal teenager thing.
If your husband has a strained relationship and you have no relationship, I think you need to have small goals. Get to know him person-to-person. Is there something he likes to eat? Does he like to read? Does he have a level 80 shaman on World of Warcraft? Is he captain of the soccer team?
Maybe I'm wrong here, but if I'm you I wouldn't even try to be a parental figure to him. As long as he gives you basic respect and submits to basic requests (ie, please don't forget to put away your laundry), I'd just try to make this a happy/livable month.
I'm not in a Blended Family, but I spend a lot of time with teenagers, and I think fellesferie is spot on. Teenagers, especially boys, respond best to a blunt approach.
I would seriously say something like "Hey T, we don't know each other, this might be awkward but we're going to make the most of this month. Now, which is less embarrassing, the mall or lunch somewhere?" Plan to do things with him every day or every couple days. Make him a part of your routine, just as you do with your bio-kid. Ask lots of questions to see what he likes or would enjoy.
Based on my own experience, I would advise you not to try to get DH and T to resolve anything. That's their deal - and it's based on years of history you don't know and a lot of time with mom who might or might not be poisoning the well. Double that because DH wishes T was raised differently. Here, BM did a lot of things as a parent to which DH strenulously objected (leaving SD sleeping in the car while she shopped, dying SD's hair blonde before K, telling SS he was an accident for his entire life, just to give you a sample). These are things DH could not control, and he tried to police when present, but he was not always present. His children are the result of how they were raised, which is sad, but I have found I cannot fix that. I cannot even really understand it, as time goes on I hear more and more stories and one is more shocking than the last.
You cannot fix this. If you want the siblings to have a relationship, I would be a bridge for that to happen, but don't compare your relationship to DH's. I like felles ideas. Get SS out and about with you. What are his interests? The upside of tiny babies is they are incredibly portable. Hit up a museum, frisbee park or pool depending on what interests SS.
^^^ Great advise!