"Stay together for the kids"

Holly_1007 · June 2013

Would like some different opinions on this. (for mobile: "Stay together for the kids")

I'm pretty sure my parents did this. Over time they figured out how to co-habitate together, but I really don't think they love each other.

I see the drama and overall insanity that my SD is going through, and the fights that DH and BM get into and I couldn't even imagine them trying to pull this off.

so I'm just curious if anyone comes from a family like this, or is in a relationship like this. Do you think it depends on the age(s) of the child(ren) ? Do you think there are deal breakers? Is it a stupid thing to do, or do you think it is selfless?

KellersPrag · June 2013

Happy parents make for happy kids, and therefore a happy family.

If your only reason for staying together is that you have children together, I don't agree with it at all.

MomtobeNJ · June 2013

I think that kids are healthier and stronger if they have 2 loving parents who are divorced, than 2 parents who are together but can't stand each other. Kids aren't stupid. They pick up on the tension, disdain, sarcasm, passive-aggressive behavior, etc.

If the parents like each other, get along well, parent together effectively, etc. but just aren't "in love" then maybe that would be different. But I think that's very rare.

ETA: I get that people do it because they believe the kid(s) would be better off having both parents under one roof. But I think it's more important to have 2 happy, healthy, engaged parents - regardless of where they live or who they are married to.

thebanich · June 2013

Honestly? I think it is kind of a cop-out and I think it will, more than likely, do more harm than good. My H and I watched Celeste and Jesse forever and the story line is related to this. It didn't sit well with me.

hmp1 · June 2013

I think two people can fall out of love/passion for each other but remain friends and stay together for the family. As long as the home is a healthy environment (ie not yelling fighting all the time), I don't care what people do in their bedroom.

I'm pretty sure my brother is in a relationship like this. His wife cheated, they were on the road to splitsville, but he never left. They tried counseling but she was always on the hunt for a new therapist, probably because none of them would validate her cheating. Anyway, last time I was there they really did seem happy. So even though they were originally staying together for the kid, it also seems to have brought them back together as a couple.

I think it is an option for some couples, but obviously not for all.

watercolor5 · June 2013

I think a healthy marriage is one of the best things to give your kids. Then again, I think love is a choice not a feeling, and making your marriage as healthy as you can should be a top priority for both parents. Infidelity is a deal breaker for me, as is emotionally withdrawing from your spouse long-term, refusing to have sex with your spouse for long periods of time without a medical reason, and of course any kind of physical or emotional abuse.

I would work on the emotional withdrawal or no sex through counesling before throwing in the towel though. Cheating and abuse are immediate dealbreakers. If your spouse is unwilling to work on the marriage or act like a spouse, then divorce is better than cohabitating IMO. I don't see how age of the kids comes into play.

ETA: My parents divorced when my brother was 11 and I was 5. I still feel like they taught me the foundations for a healthy marriage, and how to love your spouse. They did feel really ashamed that their marriage ended in divorce, and I still struggle with feeling ashamed that I came from a divorced family, but we all come out of childhood with some issues, and I'm working on it...

MeatballEsq · June 2013

KellersPrag:
Happy parents make for happy kids, and therefore a happy family.
If your only reason for staying together is that you have children together, I don't agree with it at all.

Yep I agree. Kids pick up on a lot. Also if I found out later that the only reason my parents stayed together (and were unhappy that entire time) was because of me, I would have a lot of guilt over it.

Unknown · June 2013

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Hyaline · June 2013

I think staying together solely for the kids is asinine. If you're miserable, there's no way you can have a happy, functional family. That said, I think that wanting to stay together and the kids being part of that goal is totally understandable. People might have split sooner or over less if it wasn't for the kids, but try longer or harder to make a relationship work because kids are involved. I think that's natural, totally fair, and probably a good thing in most cases. Even if the relationship ultimately ends, both parties know they tried to make it work and will probably move forward putting the kids first. And I'm sure there are plenty of cases of parents' initial goal being primarily about saving the marriage for the kids, but evolving into a healthy and stable and loving marriage.

I also don't see anything inherently wrong with a couple living together as good friends but lacking romance if they're both happy with that situation. Not what I would choose, but I'm not going to judge someone for a life situation that makes them happy.

Pokedot · June 2013

I do not come from divorced parents. Actually this September my parents will be married 32 years. I do however think that kids benefit from having 2 loving parents vs. 2 married parents if they parents do not get along. Staying married for the sake of the children isn't really an argument anymore IMO. The pick up on the tension, the fighting and animosity. They aren't stupid. My family is dealing with this right now in regards to my aunt and uncle. We could sense the tension for a couple years and last year they decided to divorce. They didn't tell the kids for months but lived under the same roof and had their own separate time with the kids. My uncle was sleeping on a mattress in the basement. Well come on! The kids most certainly knew especially when there are so many divorced parents out there! They finally told them and the kids knew already well except for my cousin Paige. She isn't the brightest bulb in the pack. She's so sweet but isn't all there!

I don't think it benefits the kids or parents to stay together when they are unhappy. Many blended families thrive after the parents divorce.

MomtobeNJ · June 2013

LoveLossHopeRepeat:
watercolor5:
I think a healthy marriage is one of the best things to give your kids. Then again, I think love is a choice not a feeling, and making your marriage as healthy as you can should be a top priority for both parents. Infidelity is a deal breaker for me, as is emotionally withdrawing from your spouse long-term, refusing to have sex with your spouse for long periods of time without a medical reason, and of course any kind of physical or emotional abuse.
Wut?

+1

I'm confused by this, and don't agree AT ALL.

PepperStick · June 2013

One of DH best friends only married his wife solely because they had a kid together. At their wedding, he was completely plastered through the whole thing and cried to DH about how his life was ruined, blah blah blah. He's also said that because he's Catholic, he had to marry her and cannot divorce her now.

That being said, they are expecting their second child together and he has been having an affair for the past year.In this case, I think it would be so much better for them to separate because their relationship sucks. All they both do is complain about each other and fight.

I think in some very rare cases it might work, but mostly not. My aunt and uncle divorced a couple years ago and lived together up until a few months ago. In this case though, my aunt finally came out as being gay and they are still good friends. They didn't have any hard feelings towards each other when they divorced.

klgrh6 · June 2013

Sorry long response: There was a story about this on the news this morning before I left for work. There's a trend of families getting divorced once their children are grown because they think waiting will do less damage. But the truth is whether parents divorce while the kids are kids or as adults, it's still damaging.

My parents divorced when I was 8, it was hard, confusing and there were many issues that came if it. Custody battles, step parents, spliting holidays, etc and I think we (my sisters and I) all paid for it in some way or another. However as an adult, I realize that divorce was the best thing to happen for my dad and the worse thing for my mom but it was her choice they got divorced. The two of them staying together would have been much worse.

My friend's parents tried a trial seperation and we're ready for divorce. My friends are 30 and it was a major blow to them. They felt lied too and questioned everything over the past few years. The parent's always act civil when they are around even though they are miserable. I think happening later in life would be just as bad.

I think if it were my marriage, I would do everything I could to fight for it. Whether I wanted to or not because only once nothing can make it work and you've tried everything would I see quitting as an ok thing. However certain situations such as abuse, would be an early exit because it's not ok and not worth waiting around to see what else can happen.

Hyaline · June 2013

MomtobeNJ:
LoveLossHopeRepeat:
watercolor5:
I think a healthy marriage is one of the best things to give your kids. Then again, I think love is a choice not a feeling, and making your marriage as healthy as you can should be a top priority for both parents. Infidelity is a deal breaker for me, as is emotionally withdrawing from your spouse long-term, refusing to have sex with your spouse for long periods of time without a medical reason, and of course any kind of physical or emotional abuse.
Wut?
+1
I'm confused by this, and don't agree AT ALL.

I'm not sure this is what watercolor is saying, but some of the best marriage advice I've gotten is "Love is a verb." You decide everyday to love your spouse, to show them love, to do loving things and behave in a loving way. Sometimes you may not feel "in love" but you love anyway. Obviously there's a difference between a marriage not working and not "feeling in love" sometimes.

MomtobeNJ · June 2013

Hyaline:
MomtobeNJ:
LoveLossHopeRepeat:
watercolor5:
I think a healthy marriage is one of the best things to give your kids. Then again, I think love is a choice not a feeling, and making your marriage as healthy as you can should be a top priority for both parents. Infidelity is a deal breaker for me, as is emotionally withdrawing from your spouse long-term, refusing to have sex with your spouse for long periods of time without a medical reason, and of course any kind of physical or emotional abuse.
Wut?
+1
I'm confused by this, and don't agree AT ALL.
I'm not sure this is what watercolor is saying, but some of the best marriage advice I've gotten is "Love is a verb." You decide everyday to love your spouse, to show them love, to do loving things and behave in a loving way. Sometimes you may not feel "in love" but you love anyway. Obviously there's a difference between a marriage not working and not "feeling in love" sometimes.

Hyaline, that I can understand.

But to say love is a choice and NOT a feeling is different, IMO. I can choose to love someone. But the act of simply choosing to love them will not automatically create the feeling of love. The feeling has to be there, somewhere, somehow. And don't you NEED the feeling? Isn't that a huge part of what love is all about?

Unem · June 2013

hmp&mrj:
I think two people can fall out of love/passion for each other but remain friends and stay together for the family. As long as the home is a healthy environment (ie not yelling fighting all the time), I don't care what people do in their bedroom.
I'm pretty sure my brother is in a relationship like this. His wife cheated, they were on the road to splitsville, but he never left. They tried counseling but she was always on the hunt for a new therapist, probably because none of them would validate her cheating. Anyway, last time I was there they really did seem happy. So even though they were originally staying together for the kid, it also seems to have brought them back together as a couple.
I think it is an option for some couples, but obviously not for all.

This. Exactly. If a healthy living environment is possible, then I think they should stay together to keep the family intact.

If there is major abuse going on then obviously it's better for the kids to be out of that situation.

My mom and dad divorced when I was in 1st grade. Dad was a cheater, and my mom finally had enough. Each one has told me separately that they wished they never would've divorced. They both still love each other and sometimes I wonder how different our lives would be if they hadn't split up.

jenndub · June 2013

The father of my two older kids cheated on me and walked out on our family. A few months later his new girlfriend cheated on him and ditched him for a new guy. HE wanted to come back and I said no. So many people made me feel guilty for not "doing it for the kids." I am not sorry that I didn't take him back, he wouldn't have changed. And I don't ever want my son or daughters thinking that it's okay to treat someone like that or be treated like that. It was hard, I missed him and was still in love with him at the time. But when I didn't let him come back, it was for the kids.

Now I'm married to a great man, who loves and respects me. I am showing my children what a marriage should be, and how a man should treat his wife. Kids see everything, and they hear it all too. I am very happy now and that makes them happy.

melody921 · June 2013

I think people have an obligation to put in all the effort they can to make it work. However, if they're going to be miserable, unloving or yelling all the time if they stay together, kids are better off the divorced parents. I think the worst things parents can do is go back and forth a bunch of times about whether to stay together or not. This is stressful for the kids and doesn't teach them anything good.

mrsbhk22 · June 2013

My parents taught me what a happy healthy respectful relationships looked like throughout my childhood. They divorced when I was 5 and both remarried wonderful people. I'm not sure how my parents were ever friends, much less married because they are so different.

On the flip side, my in laws were married like 35 yrs when MIL announced she had been miserable for 20 yrs. My DH was the baby and she waited until he was out of the house. Basically, she faked happiness for most of DH's life. She's since remarried and is happier than I've ever seen her and I've been around for 15 yrs. The split was really hard on all 4 of their grown children. Splitting when kids are adults doesn't make it any easier.

Basically, DH agrees that he wishes his mom would have been happy all those years instead of feeling trapped.

MomtobeNJ · June 2013

jenndub:
The father of my two older kids cheated on me and walked out on our family. A few months later his new girlfriend cheated on him and ditched him for a new guy. HE wanted to come back and I said no. So many people made me feel guilty for not "doing it for the kids." I am not sorry that I didn't take him back, he wouldn't have changed. And I don't ever want my son or daughters thinking that it's okay to treat someone like that or be treated like that. It was hard, I missed him and was still in love with him at the time. But when I didn't let him come back, it was for the kids.
Now I'm married to a great man, who loves and respects me. I am showing my children what a marriage should be, and how a man should treat his wife. Kids see everything, and they hear it all too. I am very happy now and that makes them happy.

You were very strong. I'm happy it all worked out for you!

hmp1 · June 2013

I would like to add that just because I think a couple can decide to live together as friends and be happy, doesn't mean that works for everyone. If one person is not happy or is resentful, it is best to end the marriage. DH is my best friend, take sex/passion out of our relationship and I can easily stay married. I don't think he could so it is something I know I have to work on myself.

In Jenndub's situation, if a friend of mine's husband leaves her and then asks to come back after he gets dumped, Hell No! I'm not encouraging you to give him another chance. I would support whatever decision you make, but would never tell you to take him back.

angeleighhh · June 2013

KellersPrag:
Happy parents make for happy kids, and therefore a happy family.If your only reason for staying together is that you have children together, I don't agree with it at all.

this.

jenndub · June 2013

MomtobeNJ:
jenndub:
The father of my two older kids cheated on me and walked out on our family. A few months later his new girlfriend cheated on him and ditched him for a new guy. HE wanted to come back and I said no. So many people made me feel guilty for not "doing it for the kids." I am not sorry that I didn't take him back, he wouldn't have changed. And I don't ever want my son or daughters thinking that it's okay to treat someone like that or be treated like that. It was hard, I missed him and was still in love with him at the time. But when I didn't let him come back, it was for the kids.
Now I'm married to a great man, who loves and respects me. I am showing my children what a marriage should be, and how a man should treat his wife. Kids see everything, and they hear it all too. I am very happy now and that makes them happy.
You were very strong. I'm happy it all worked out for you!

Thank you!

Eastie156 · June 2013

My parents were married for 23 years when they got divorced (I was a junior or senior in H.S. when they split). It should've happened long before because they were both unhappy. It was for the best. Oddly enough, neither one ever dated anyone else and both still had feelings for the other. Before my Dad died this past December, my Mom had moved back in with him to help care for him. It was soley for that and maybe companionship as well, but there was still something there.

tinyhumantoe · June 2013

I've seen it happen. Whomever said happy parents, happy kids hit the nail on the head.

Although a tumultuous divorcee relationship can really suck wad for kids in the middle.

L8kissie · June 2013

My mom divorcing my dad when I was six months old was one of the best things she could have done for me. She felt guilty my whole childhood. I think that you should work your hardest to choose a good match for yourself and try to keep your relationship strong. I don't think you should give up easily on it, but staying together just for the kids doesn't work and creates other issues for them. Cheating and abuse are deal breakers for me.