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Sigir
member
Advice sought: Showdown on Friday at school
Sigir
member
You may remember my previous post(s)... exh is going to take my dc to his house after a school event on Friday during my parenting time as a make-up day that I did not approve. I am having major anxiety about what the confrontation is going to be like at school. (I get anxiety when I am pregnant, I think if I was not, I would be more likely to shrug it off) I don't want to have any scene for dc, however, I feel I have to say something like "ok, let's go dc", and then exh will say "no, you are coming with me". And then what do I say? I hate all of this. I don't want dc to see it... dh says that I protect her too much, and that it will be over in a second and I have to stop stressing it. But I don't want her to be feel in the middle.
After he leaves with her we plan to go file a police report so that we can use it in future legal actions. But what happens at school? I don't want dc to end up feeling conflicted.
My dh says we should tell dc all the fun things we plan to do friday after the event, but I feel like that puts her in the middle and will make her sad about what she is missing. I said no to that.
What does BF think?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Advice sought: Showdown on Friday at school
I definitely wouldn't tell her about fun things planned that she would miss out on. That would do nothing but hurt her.
If it isn't his time and he does take her anyways I would do the police report.
I would first try to talk with x and let him know that he shouldn't be taking her as it isn't his time, if he still takes her, make sure it's documented that you talked with him to go along with the police report.
If you absolutely do not want x to take her after the school function, have c/o or any documentation with you custody, whatever and get the police involved if they will.
Where I live the police will not get involved, they consider it a "civil matter" that has to be handled in court.
I don't have any advice on how to avoid the conflict at the school but to try to talk with x about it beforehand.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
Sigil went through the choices she had when it comes to the situation. One was keeping her out of school but she didnt want to do that because of a school event. If she tries to sign her outearly though he may already be there and cause a scene for her signing dc out early on top of not allowing her to take dc.
There is no easy way to go in your situation sigil. I have an ex like yours where its his way and only his way. It really sucks and if he doesnt get his way theres a giant scene. I agree with PP about asking him to not create a scene though if he starts tell him you are not going to fight with him but you did not agree and will be filing a report after. He probably will fuss some more and perhaps think your not filing a report and he "won" anyway. Just try tokeep a level head and keep dc Iin mind.
This. Keeping her out of an important school event so that her Dad who has 50/50 won't get an extra day with her is not in her best interest. The idea by the DH to tell her of what fun you have planned is just F'd up and I am glad you said no to that! All I see as your options is to stand your ground even if it turns into a scene in front of your child and the school or to reiterate that you have not consented and file contempt after he takes her. If it were me I would go with #2 because DD will never forget the huge scene that embarrassed her at school
I do not know your back-story but this infuriates me for you. I have an opinion that may or may not be helpful but I will share anyway. Again, I don't know your entire situation so please forgive in advance if I'm way off base.
Our schools have an on duty police officer. Is it possible to contact the school and let them know your situation? If you can show a copy of your CO and show that it is your parenting time then the school's officer can be there to enforce it. If he tries to make a scene then he can get arrested. If this isn't an option then I would try to contact the police directly and see if someone can you meet you there during pick up time. Let them know ex-husband is threatening to cause a scene, get physical (assuming here), etc. If I couldn't get either of those options, I would call the three biggest guys I know and have them present (obviously, a police officer would be better). Once you have back up in place you can write a very calm email to let your ex to let him know that you do not approve of giving up your time and you are not going to discuss it with him and he is not taking your DC. Also, if he tries to interfere with you, your DC, or your parenting time in anyway, there will be an officer/bigger bully than him there to deal with his BS. You hope he won't make a scene because you wouldn't want to see him arrested but the choice is his.
My point is your ex is bulling you. No, you don't want a scene in front of DC. I truly get that. However, life gets messy sometimes. I would rather set an example of sticking up for myself then let some bully take my child on my time. I don't think your current plan is a great example to set for DC either (that it?s ok for a man to come, bully mommy, and take me away). If your ex sees the police or some big burly dudes escorting you after you warn him, the likely hood of him trying to take DC is small because most bullies are cowards. He only does it with you because you have no back up and he knows he can get away with it. It is sad that your DC will watch you cave and hand her over just to avoid a conflict. Although I really do understand that you think you are doing it to spare her.
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men/women do nothing." Flame away, but understand I was a child in this situation and I watched my mother fight back. I am a fighter due to her example. Don't just sit there and let him bully you. Teach your DC to stick up for themselves by setting the example. If there is a scene made, then you will have to explain why it happened and why it was necessary. A much better scenario than you being bullied and your child being removed from you without your consent on your time. If you let him get away with this now, he will be much bolder in future situations. Just my two cents. I really feel and relate to you. Men like your ex get my blood boiling and due to my background I have a lot of passion on this subject. I'm so glad my mother taught me to be a fighter. Sending you many T&P for a good outcome.
Sigir: Okay, Kid, let's head out. We need to make a few stops on the way home. (I think you should not let him think you're going directly home lest he decides to try and go to your house.)
a-hole: No, she's coming with me
Sigir: a-hole'sFirstName, per our discussion dated xx/xx, I am taking Kid home with me.
a-hole: Blah blah argue blah blah
Sigir takes Kid's hand and goes to car.
If he yells or whatever, just walk away. If he grabs the child, then let her go and tell him that you are not willing to put Kid in the middle. Give her a kiss bye, and just let him know he will hear from your attorney.
If at all possible, make sure you have a friend there to witness whatever he does.
All of this. And have a copy of the CO and all your emails telling him you don't agree to this arrangement printed and in your purse ready to go. Hell, have it in your hand and hand it to him if needed.
And not only should you have a friend there, but ask if a non-uniformed police officer can be there to keep the peace. In my area the Police Department is willing to do this. They wear their badge so people know they are official, but they wear plain clothes so it's not obvious to children that they are a police officer. If XH does leave with DD then immediately file a police report and give them the copies of the CO and the correspondence showing that you didn't agree to this.
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Can I ask why you don't agree to XH taking DC Friday? I went back and read your last post, and I can't find anything explaining why this weekend isn't good for you. If there's nothing important going on I'm not sure why going through all of this is necessary.....
My mistake, I found the post right before that answered my question. If you refuse to pick DC up, will he cave and bring DC home, or just keep DC until you can make it?
All of this. You've got to stand your ground.
thanks everyone! I appreciate everyone's advise more that you know.
4luvof2boys: That is probably the approach my dh would like me to take. He feels that I am not assertive enough and his exact words to me earlier today, when I told him that I will not tell dc all the things she is missing on friday night, were "so you are always going to hide the truth from dc, and she will never know that her dad is really the problem". Well, I may be wrong, but yes, I will never intentionally let her know her dad is the problem. I hold on to hope that she will see it on her own some day. Your idea is something that I could do, and it would prove exh to be in the wrong, but I feel that it would be so, so bad for dc. I would never consider it. I agree exh is the ultimate bully, but I could not have that kind of a scene for dc. I can not imagine how horrible it would be to see your dad be arrested. If he was beating me that is one thing. I'm not going to flame, I just don't agree.
felles and job, that is just what I was looking for. I will have all the paperwork with me, and my dh and my parents will also be with me (they will be there for dc's event). It is going to be hard to stand up to him to his face, and he will be angry, but I guess I just have to get through it. Exh used to be emotionally manipulative and I think he is a sociopath, and we were together over 12 years so I still struggle with standing up to him, but I am much better than I used to be. If only I could have a glass of wine to look forward to afterwards!
job I never knew about the plain clothes police officers so I will look into that as an option tomorrow. will they just observe until things get heated, or would they step in if it is just a conversation? I don't want anyone stepping in really, because I don't want dc to know that they are there.