having a tough day

PhillyGal34 · June 2013

one year ago today I was working... just like I am now. Except I had my son in my belly and all my dreams of a perfect pregnancy were still there. Flash forward to a mere 6 hours from now and I was in the hospital getting checked for pre-e. I had my son a few days later. I just tortured myself by looking back at my emails to my bosses about how it was just a "precaution" and that I would be at work two days later. I cannot remember if I really believed that or if I was just saying it to make myself feel better. Either way I can't stop torturing myself by looking back at pictures and posts and emails and wondering why.

I should add that I am so blessed that everything has worked out and that we are both safe and healthy and that is what really matters but today I feel like I have to mourn the end of that dream. a year ago tomorrow was the worst day I've ever had. my blood pressure kept going higher and higher despite the bed rest and BP meds. I didn't know it but it got really scary for me for a while and DH was scared out of his mind. I just remember lying there and holding his hand and both of us crying and listening to music. Not sure what to say or do. Again, it all worked out but the emotions are so very raw right now. And I cannot help but think about it constantly whenever I have a second to breath and think. I cannot wait to be done with work so I can go home and hug my miracle and remind myself that everything is gonna be alright ;-) that was the song that got us through it so I think I'll listen to that when I get home :-)

KatFCo · June 2013

I'm sorry. These anniversary days are always tough. They never fully go away, but they DO get better. DD's birthday is 2 days away, and my mind is filled with "6 years ago, I was doing XX." The sting is still there, but it is much less and there is more joy than pain.

I hope your day gets better.

DrRx · June 2013

((((Hugs)))) These anniversary days are always the worst. They are tough to get through, and just because things worked out well and that you're thankful, for me anyway, it doesn't make it any less harder.

Thinking about you, especially over the next few days, as you approach his birthday. I think that it's good to go back and look at pics, etc, if you can so that you can feel and deal with those feelings, as long as you try not to dwell on them for a long time (ie, months). I found that it also helped to talk about with DH, and ask him what he was thinking and feeling during that time. It was a life-altering event for you, something that you will never forget. Whether or not you realize it yet, it has made you a stronger person.

solemnlyswear · June 2013

Hugs to you!

PhillyGal34 · June 2013

Thanks guys. My son decided to make last night interesting and fought sleep for a few hours. He's usually a great sleeper so I think he did it to keep my me busy haha.
Today marks another anniversary. The one year mark from the worst day of our lives. As I laid in that hospital bed we watched my blood pressure go up and up and up to really scary numbers. I was started on mag and bp meds and cathed and told I wasn't leaving the hospital pregnant. Even with all that my bp continued to climb. I remember feeling at peace at one point and thinking I can feel my bp going down only to have the numbers increase at the next check. I felt so defeated and helpless. After today things got better fortunately but I think this was by far the most scared I've ever been in my life. I knew at this point that things weren't going to just work themselves out.

I really don't know what I would do without this board. Thank you all so much!

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