- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Adoption
apietro1027
member
Family adoption
apietro1027
member
in Adoption
My husband and I have a 5 yr old dd and our 2nd on the way. Since September we have been home/mom/dad to our nephew who was taken from my brother in law and his wife. At first everything was great he was good and showing a ton of progress from his lack of stimulation the first 2 years. Now his parents rights have been terminated and we are waiting to be contacted by our adoption worker. The last 3 months have been so incredibly hard and stressful. My dd feels neglected due to all our nephews needs. We are waiting to have Children's hospital do extensive evaluations done on him but it's a 6 month wait. I am scared of how all the stress is going to affect my unborn child. I am so second guessing my mothering abilitys to handle all his delays. Am I alone in these feelings? So lost, heartbroken having these thoughts/feelings.
Me and DH 27 DD 4.5
TTC since June 2011 once IUD was removed
Irregular AF since removal
Fertilaid 9/2012-10/2012 finally regularity with AF
11/2012 spotting for a week no AF
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Family adoption
Are you seeing a counselor/family therapist? That can be helpful in 1) figuring out what feelings and behaviors are normal, 2) venting to someone other than family, and 3) learning coping strategies for dealing with everything going on. I'd contact the adoption folks and see if they have recommendations.
It sounds like he's made some good strides since September, it may just be hard to see being so close to it.
5/10 - Gideon 6/12 Warren
4/11 Started adoption process for 2 siblings through DCF. 10/12 Found out we are licensed! 12/14 Brought 3 week old identical twin girls home from the hospital. Could be at least until Summer 1015 til we know if they are forever ours
Good luck. It isn't easy, but it is worth it to know he is safe.
It is hard to FEEL like your other children may be suffering because of lack of attention, but I just kept reminding myself that I am teaching them how to be caring, compassionate people. And that kids are resilient little things, so as long as we had frequent fun outings they were happy and life was good (but learn from my mistake - don't attempt Disney too soon. We already had a Disney trip booked so we took her along 3 weeks after we got her. It was awful. That said, I would do it again simply because canceling or leaving her behind just weren't options. But if you can avoid it, I would suggest you do.)
5/10 - Gideon 6/12 Warren
4/11 Started adoption process for 2 siblings through DCF. 10/12 Found out we are licensed! 12/14 Brought 3 week old identical twin girls home from the hospital. Could be at least until Summer 1015 til we know if they are forever ours
I was just typing a long response and the nest ate it. I promise, I will respond fully tomorrow.
In the meantime, just know that you are DEFINATELY not alone in feeling this way.
What you are feeling is pretty typical of parents of children with special needs, and is even more understandable knowing that you are dealing with the additional complication of adoption-related issues at the same time. I don't think there's a special needs mother alive who hasn't questioned her ability to continue to meet her child's needs, and when you are in the position of deciding whether or not to parent a child of with special needs, you are in the very unusual position of having to decide in advance if you can and want to step into the role or not. It's a very surreal and sometimes scary place to be, and I really don't think anyone who hasn't been there can understand how complicated and intense it can be.
Just to give context to my response, you should know that I adopted two boys from Peru. Both my children were older when they joined our family (M at 7 in 2010 and J at 5 in 2012) and had some special needs of which we were aware. In both situations, we later discovered that they had additional needs which had not yet been discovered or were worse than we initially believed. When we first realized the full extent (or what we currently believe to be the full extent), I was floored, and felt like I had gotten in way over our heads. Of course, by then, my boys were firmly a part of my heart and our family, and nothing was going to change that. Still, I felt like I imagine a biological parent must feel when discovering for the first time that their child has special needs.
Around that time, I came across this short passage, and I think of it often. It captures how it feels to discover that what you thought your life would look like isn't what it's going to be. You still love your family and your children, but suddenly, you're living a different life than you ever imagined: https://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html.
Add in the fact that your nephew is a traumatized child (though neglect and the loss of his parents), and you are dealing with a whole additional set of special circumstances. His recent regression sounds to me as if he's pushing you away because you are getting close and he's beginning to fear the relationship. Children who haven't learned to attach appropriately at a young age (as neglected children often don't), often crave the attention they receive from adults, but just when the adult starts to get close, they push them away through acting-out behaviors, regression, or non-compliance. In their minds, they'd rather push you away now than get hurt when you leave later--because in their minds, they are unlovable, and it's only a matter of time before you WILL leave.
I highly recommend that if you decide to go forward with the kinship care or adoption of this boy you do some reading about the behaviors of hurt children and how best to parent them. Using conventional techniques will often not address their deep needs, and as a result won't be as effective as many of the attachment-based techniques. The two books I most highly recommend for you are:
Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow <https://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Hurt-Child-Adoptive-Hollywood/dp/1600062903/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1355498193&sr=8-1&keywords=hurt+children> - This book is the one that I always recommend first to parents adopting older children. It really helped us understand what we were dealing with and how to best approach it. It can be scary, because they talk about really bad cases, but it was so relatable and helped us avoid many pitfalls--especially triangulation!
and
Wounded Children, Healing Homes: How Traumatized Children Impact Adoptive and Foster Families <https://www.amazon.com/Wounded-Children-Healing-Homes-Traumatized/dp/1615215689/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1355498468&sr=8-1&keywords=wounded+children> - This book was the first that really captured how I felt. It's more about the impact that raising a hurt child can have on the rest of the family, and was very honest. I couldn't believe that the emotions I felt were actually being written about so openly.
Whether or not you decide to take this on IS a choice, and one that you should make in as informed a state as possible. If you decide to adopt this child, know that there are lots of books out there that can provide ideas on how best to parent your child, and that there are some great sources of on-line support for both adoptive parents and parents of children with special needs. Depending on where you live, you may also be able to find in-person support groups. Parenting a child with special needs and attachment difficulties is much harder than parenting a typically developing child, and often the struggle lasts may years or even a lifetime, but it is just as wonderful and the rewards are endless. In the end, only you can decide what's best for your family, but if you decide to go forward, you can always come here for support. This board is filled with amazing and wonderful women who are living the path you are considering and who never cease to share their support for others.
You are welcome.
Everything you are saying seems typical for traumatized kids. The reason he shows no attachment to you is because he's never learned how to attach properly. Since you are his day-to-day primary caregiver, you represent the biggest threat. Believe me when I say it will get worse before it gets better. He will be acting out of a primal state of fear, in which he is truly convinced his life is on the line, and he will push you away with every fiber or resistance in his body before he understands that he can't push you away, that you are here to stay, and that you will love him, no matter what he does or says. Tell him that. Tell him that often and always, and when you are your maddest at him. It is the best healing balm these kids can have.
I went through a very, very rough transition with my oldest. We are now so bonded and secure, and it is the most amazing thing in the world. But you have to be the constant and show him nothing but love.
This is a hard thing to do. My youngest seems unflappable. No punishment, talking to, etc. can ruffle his feathers. He's upset/sad in the moment, and when it's done, he goes off skipping and singing, and 5 minutes later, he does the same thing that got him in trouble in the first place. It's infuriating. The one thing he does is feign amnesia when you talk about something he did wrong. He looks confused and lies himself into a deeper hole. At first I bought it, thinking he didn't remember or there was a language barrier, but I've come to understand that he's absolutely petrified that if he says the wrong thing, this will be the time we send him away. So no matter how mad I am, when he get's that deer-in-the-headlights look I take him in my lap, hold him close, and remind him that I love him, we're going to be his family forever, and nothing will ever change that. I tell him I love, love, love him, no matter what, even if I don't like his behavior. I tell him this over and over and over again, and when he's calm, we come back to the discussion of his misbehavior. We do this as many times as we have to, sometimes many times during the course of a week, just to get to the bottom of one incident. The thing is, since I started doing this, I can tell just how much closer he's drawing to me. The book that started me with this path is Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors, and it's really helping us.
I've heard the thing about some abused/neglected children not feeling pain before. I highly recommend you get this checked out by a good pediatrician. In fact, given the rest of what you mentioned here, having him evaluated by a developmental pediatrician is probably a good way to go. Not feeling pain could be a very serious neurological issue, but more likely, he's just not registering it due to the severity of his past trauma.
I highly, highly recommend you start long-term family therapy with a therapist familiar with attachment, adoption, and traumatized children issues (as these are handled drastically differently than other family issues) right away. It has been immeasurable at helping our kids feel comfortable telling us how they feel and has helped us make it clear that no issue is out of bounds. We talk about their past traumas, our relationship, their birth families/histories, the day-to-day stuff, alcoholism, health, developmental and school issues, etc.
This occurred to me as well. OP, please do follow-up with a physician about this.
I also wanted to point out that there may be support groups in your area for grandparents who are parenting grandchildren. Unfortunately for me, I didn't find out until it was too late that these groups are also for anyone else parenting a relative's child.
I found out right before we lost M that the grandparents' support group in my area offers help/points you in the right direction for many of the issues that come from taking in a child - from financial advice to programs for special needs children (and to some extent helping you seek legal aid).
5/10 - Gideon 6/12 Warren
4/11 Started adoption process for 2 siblings through DCF. 10/12 Found out we are licensed! 12/14 Brought 3 week old identical twin girls home from the hospital. Could be at least until Summer 1015 til we know if they are forever ours
Thank you all again for your advice. We are on a waiting list to be seen at Children's Hospital Child Development team. In the mean time we just had our initial appointment with a therapist to help both our nephew and us cope and learn how to handle the situation. I will be looking into the recommended books as well. Nothing could ever prepare us for this path, we are trying to do our best and give both our nephew and our dd all the love and attention they need and deserve. Again thank you, thank you!