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December 2012 Moms
kescalera
member
Feeling like a camel - NBR
kescalera
member
DH and I have had and still have our share of issues like any couple would. We both do things that drive each other nuts but we love each other and believe a good marriage requires a little work. Yea I think he drinks too much but he's not driving, not mean, etc. It doesn't interfere with how he/we go about our day. He's a great father to our LO but I get frustrated at his attitudes towards SS11. He loves playing with both kids but isn't so hot on the actual parenting part, especially if it requires any effort on his part or takes away from something he wants to do.
Two nights ago, DH admitted to me that two weeks ago, while at our neighbor/friend's house (while his wife was out of town) there was a girl over... The neighbor cheated, big time. DH also had some fun but claims he absolutely did not sleep with this girl... Wow, that is so hard to actually see in print. My DH cheated, even if he didn't sleep with her, he cheated in my mind.
Now what? So its a "little" cheat vs an all-out affair but still. He was drunk and she was there and I "drove him to it" by telling him back in Feb to stop asking me to DTD all the time because I was exhausted, FTM and it hurt.
If everything else was great I feel like we could work through this. Its just when I add all the other little things we are working through as well I start to wonder if I can (or should) really keep trying to hold us together.
I haven't yelled or cried or really reacted at all. He looks at me like I'm a time-bomb every day now even though I've continued to function as though everything is fine. I feel like i'm in shock and I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to deal with this but its here and I need to make a choice.
(Thanks to rjeller32 for being the guinea pig for this post - your timing was almost scary).
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Feeling like a camel - NBR
IMO, cheating is cheating is cheating. I don't care if it was a kiss, caress, hug or full on down and dirty. I honestly feel that cheating is unforgivable, I have always told DH that if he cheats on me that's it. There are no second chances.
HOWEVER......what you do is up to you. You may need time away from him, if possible he might need to move out for a while. If that's not feasible then make him sleep on the couch. He needs to earn your trust back, if you want to give it back. You probably are a time bomb, it's boiling below the surface and one day it will explode. If you're like me that will happen at the most inappropriate time too, like a the grocery store
Take time to absorb what happened and then look inside, do you want to forgive him and move forward? Is counseling something you would consider, because if it is you should go. If he won't go with you then go alone. (((HUGS)))
Also, by blaming it on alcohol and you he needs to grow up and get a pair. It's not your fault he cheated, it's his.
We Made A Wish....
And You Came True!
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Lots of hugs. I agree like the PP that cheating (any cheating is cheating) can be a deal breaker but I think it is a lot harder to leave when actually faced with the situation. However, I also believe that it can be possible to work through if both of you really try and want to.
I think one thing that is important is how he told you. Did he confess cause he felt bad or did you have to get it out of him because you knew something was up? If he confessed then you know that you are most likely getting the whole story. If you had to get it out of him, I'd be worried there was more. Plus, with cheating.. You will always worry that it will happen again because you know he is capable of doing it.
I agree with going to counseling and I would insist that he go with you. You have to really work through the issues in order to trust him again. Also, no more hanging out with that neighbor/friend cause they sound like a terrible influence.
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I don't even know what I would do. I know I'd be heart broken, but I love DH so much, I don't know....
I also think that if he confessed without prompt you are likely getting the full story, but still cheating is cheating. I can't tell you what to do, but I can say that I know at the end of the day you will make the best decision for your family.
Hugs.
I agree with all of this. For me, cheating is a deal breaker. I wouldn't even try to work through it because I know I would never forget and would keep throwing it in his face. That's me, of course, and you have to decide what is your breaking point. I definitely recommend counseling for you because whether you decide to leave him over this or not, you will need an unbiased person helping you work through it. Then I would recommend counseling with your DH if he's willing to go. I can't believe he was trying to throw it back on you saying it's your fault he cheated. You can't make someone cheat. Please don't allow him to make you feel responsible. I wish you weren't going through this. I am so sorry. We're here if you need us!
Oh man, anytime. I understand your frustrations, well to a point, big hugs from me!
I think that cheating is hard to bounce back from in a relationship. I am not in your shoes, so I am just seeing it from my perspective of the situation, but what it seems like overall is he is saying he was led to this choice of "fooling around" or whatever, from the fact that you didn't want to DTD, because of FTM pains and such. That sucks. That would hurt me a lot, I can't imagine what you are going through.
I think no matter what, cheating is cheating. It's now up to you to decide what happens. Usually, I would say it's hard to trust again after a cheating situation. From personal experience, DH and I had a *sort of* similar situation during DD1's pregnancy. I lived 6 hours away from him, so obviously we weren't married, so it's different. But he decided to leave me for a girl he met at a local rodeo, and tell me two days after he met her at our gender u/s appt. Sucky. He didn't sleep with her, but they did fool around.
After 2 weeks of that, we worked out our issues, and still are. You definitely do need to deal with it, because if you don't, it will hurt you more and more inside. I totally get that shock, and it really is hard to realize what is going on, but the sooner you fully confront him, the better you will feel. Then you can sit down and decide where to go from there. (like if it was more than just a drunken mistake and struggles with FTMness, or if there is some deeper reason to his actions)
Personally, I know I am probably too forgiving, but I chose to work on my relationship, and it has been a struggle of relearning trust, as well as compromise, communication and many MANY tears. It had been great, up until this whole DD2 and D word mess, and I am going to try to work through these issues as well. I might be crazy. I just believe firmly in working on a marriage. I gave my vows, and I mean them sincerely, I will be there through thick and thin. But I think if I had a cheating situation again, I would leave. "Once, shame on you, Twice, shame on me" type of thing.
I hope any of that helps, and just breathe!
BFP #1 12/02/11, M/C 12/08/11
BFP #2 04/06/12, DD born 12/20/12
BFP #3 06/09/14, M/C 06/15/14
Thank you all for your thoughts, they are the exact combo of advice & encouragement I needed to hear.
After a day of finally allowing myself to actually think about it at all I've decided (at least at this point) that I am going to DEMAND, not ask, that DH stop drinking, period. I may allow him to enjoy a glass of wine with me on occasion but it will only be with my permission and in my company. If he's willing to give that up than I am willing to try to work through this.
Should he decide drinking is not an issue and not something he needs to give up or if I get the usual "I'll try but its so hard I'm so stressed/physically hurting/etc" or if he gives it up for a few weeks then goes back to the same old routine, I have asked my attorney (sadly, yes, I can say that) for advice regarding divorce.
It took me awhile to even admit it to myself but I am angry, on top of hurt, I am well and truly pissed. The only reason I am trying to keep it together is for LO, because there are things in life that just don't stop, even when your whole world gets used as a soccer ball.
I hope he picks me, the thought of being a single mother of a 6 month old in a town where I have no family support is terrifying.
Seriously, GL! I am keeping you in my thoughts, and I hope what you want is what happens. Whatever happens, just stay strong for yourself and your LO. I am on the same boat of no family support around me, my family lives in Alaska, and I'm in Idaho. I would be deathly afraid of having 2 all alone.
Keep your chin up!
BFP #1 12/02/11, M/C 12/08/11
BFP #2 04/06/12, DD born 12/20/12
BFP #3 06/09/14, M/C 06/15/14