A good reminder

Cheerilee · June 2013

My brother posted this on his Facebook. I found this GREAT because he's FB friends with my abusive ex-stepdad and he needs to see this (and my response). I've not talked to him or his new wife in almost 11 months. It'll be 1 year around July 25 and I'm very proud of myself for pulling away and not giving into his new wife's berating of me. That doesn't keep me from being passive aggressive, though. I think it's a GREAT reminder of how something such as words can hurt a child so much.

It takes years to build a child up to make them a confident, trusting, self sufficient child but it only takes one moment, one wrong sentence to tear them completely down. It is easier to build up a child then repair a broken adult later in life. Anyone can "get over" and "forgive" what has been said or done to them but the scars are forever there in their mind. Stop and think about what you are saying and doing before you say and do it. You never know how the other person just might take it and you never know who you might be hurting in the end.

So why is it that we as adults put our children down? Why do we yell at them no, you can't, don't do that, your being stupid? This makes the child think that they are stupid and can't do anything right. They start to question every little thing that they do. Should I go outside and play or will that make dad mad, if I pick mom some flowers will she think they are pretty or will she scream at me for picking them, if I build my parents something out of my Lego blocks that is creative will they encourage me our will they tell me how stupid it looks and knock me down even further? As these kids grow up they are the boys that get into fights and do drugs and the girls that have low self esteem, in which the boys that are manipulative can pick them out a mile away and they pull them in and use and abuse them. We talk about how can we fix the problem of child abuse in our world but the problem is not just with the parents that are beating their kids, it is also how we as a collective are raising our kids. Abuse is not just beating, it is also belittling and berating the child as well. Why do we do it? Is it to make us feel more important, is it to cover up our own inadequacies? There is no such thing as a perfect parent, I myself have made mistakes and I do what I can to fix those mistakes as they happen. Why also is it when we see another human harming a child it is easier to turn a blind eye then it is to stand up and speak out for that child?

Jillwithani · June 2013

I've actually spending all this week at a seminar about attachment and nurturing for children under 3. This is beautifully stated.

Andreabks · June 2013

I agree that calling your child stupid is not a good idea, but there is nothing wrong with "no" or "don't do that" as long as there is a brief explanation.

Mrs. Rohde · June 2013

It's so sad that there are parents that are so mean to their children. Ive bever been that way but i do have my selfish moments, im sorry to say.
Whenever I get overwhelmed with DDs constant questions and demands for playtime I always think to myself that she's not going to be little forever. There will come a time where she doesn't seek me out to draw, play butterflies or dress up the dolls. And while at that moment there are a million other things I "need" to do and honestly sometimes would rather do [as awful as that sounds] I'm glad I take a moment to pause and consider her feelings. She looks up to me so much and adores me. I can't imagine tearing her down as some parents do. Just the thought of breaking even a tiny piece of her spirit kills me. The idea that I could have made her question her worth sickens me so much it actually hurts my stomach.
I know we can't say yes all the time and believe me I don't but there are gentle ways to handle those situations where the child will still feel loved and safe.
I hope those children find someone in their lives that will love them and make them whole again.

ks3pink · June 2013

Andreabks:
I agree that calling your child stupid is not a good idea, but there is nothing wrong with "no" or "don't do that" as long as there is a brief explanation.

Agreed.

rp-chicago-mom · June 2013

Andreabks:
I agree that calling your child stupid is not a good idea, but there is nothing wrong with "no" or "don't do that" as long as there is a brief explanation.

True enough but you can also find other ways to redirect. If you're constantly saying no, it brings a bad message. "You can build with the blocks but you shouldn't throw them," followed by the explanation is good for me. I realize it's still negative with "shouldn't" but it starts with what the child can do. Touching a hot stove deserves a NO!! But I have found it to be most effective for me to use other less negative words when discussing matters less serious than dangerous ones. Plus, that's why I baby proff. His world doesn't require a lot of no.

rp-chicago-mom · June 2013

Oh and thanks for sharing. I've seen some interesting parenting over the years in school observations and in my job. There was one paret where we actually did involve the school social worker. This poor girl was victim of the worst emotional neglect/abuse that I had ever seen.

Nothing could be done legally, of course, but our social worker tried working with Mom on different parenting tactics and she just didn't get it. I heard from m coteachers she now has a little sister and it's only gotten worse. The little one is the favorite. So sad. I always think the joke will be on her when she's old and her daughter never comes home for holidays.

CLeigh03 · June 2013

Who is telling their kid that they are stupid? Lovely.

As far as saying 'no' or 'you can't do that' I believe that fully applies to, say, touching a hot stove. You can't touch a hot stove. I am fine saying that sentence to my boys.

I would never tell them that they CAN'T run fast or ride a bike or paint a beautiful picture or run for student council, etc. Huge difference there.

Cheerilee · June 2013

CLeigh03:
Who is telling their kid that they are stupid? Lovely.
As far as saying 'no' or 'you can't do that' I believe that fully applies to, say, touching a hot stove. You can't touch a hot stove. I am fine saying that sentence to my boys.
I would never tell them that they CAN'T run fast or ride a bike or paint a beautiful picture or run for student council, etc. Huge difference there.

I was told I was stupid, worthless, a whore (at 9 years old), a waste of air, and other things for my entire childhood. It was "lovely"...

I was constantly told things like, "No, you can't stay the night with Friend (to get away from the abuse) because they don't need to deal with your worthless a$$." THAT is not an appropriate way to say "no". I was told I can't graduate high school, I can't go to college, I can't make the cheer squad. The artwork I made that won contests was ugly. THIS is the point of the post my brother made. It wasn't the small contribution of not telling your child "no" or "you can't". It was the CONTEXT.

CLeigh03 · June 2013

Cheerilee:
CLeigh03:
Who is telling their kid that they are stupid? Lovely.
As far as saying 'no' or 'you can't do that' I believe that fully applies to, say, touching a hot stove. You can't touch a hot stove. I am fine saying that sentence to my boys.
I would never tell them that they CAN'T run fast or ride a bike or paint a beautiful picture or run for student council, etc. Huge difference there.
I was told I was stupid, worthless, a whore (at 9 years old), a waste of air, and other things for my entire childhood. It was "lovely"...
I was constantly told things like, "No, you can't stay the night with Friend (to get away from the abuse) because they don't need to deal with your worthless a$$." THAT is not an appropriate way to say "no". I was told I can't graduate high school, I can't go to college, I can't make the cheer squad. The artwork I made that won contests was ugly. THIS is the point of the post my brother made. It wasn't the small contribution of not telling your child "no" or "you can't". It was the CONTEXT.

That's horrible. I'm so sorry you were raised that way. I can't imagine.

To add Cheerilee, I meant the word lovely in the most negative way. I judge the hell out of any parent that would call their child stupid, let alone what was said to you. Again, I am sorry.

Cheerilee · June 2013

CLeigh03:
Cheerilee:
CLeigh03:
Who is telling their kid that they are stupid? Lovely.
As far as saying 'no' or 'you can't do that' I believe that fully applies to, say, touching a hot stove. You can't touch a hot stove. I am fine saying that sentence to my boys.
I would never tell them that they CAN'T run fast or ride a bike or paint a beautiful picture or run for student council, etc. Huge difference there.
I was told I was stupid, worthless, a whore (at 9 years old), a waste of air, and other things for my entire childhood. It was "lovely"...
I was constantly told things like, "No, you can't stay the night with Friend (to get away from the abuse) because they don't need to deal with your worthless a$$." THAT is not an appropriate way to say "no". I was told I can't graduate high school, I can't go to college, I can't make the cheer squad. The artwork I made that won contests was ugly. THIS is the point of the post my brother made. It wasn't the small contribution of not telling your child "no" or "you can't". It was the CONTEXT.
That's horrible. I'm so sorry you were raised that way. I can't imagine.
To add Cheerilee, I meant the word lovely in the most negative way. I judge the hell out of any parent that would call their child stupid, let alone what was said to you. Again, I am sorry.

The way I grew up made me who I am. I don't think I'd have the level of empathy and understanding for the kids I work with and work for without my experience. That doesn't make my ex-stepdad any less of a twat. And I totally got your intonation of "lovely"! That's why I put quotations around it

CLeigh03 · June 2013

Cheerilee:
CLeigh03:
Cheerilee:
CLeigh03:
Who is telling their kid that they are stupid? Lovely.
As far as saying 'no' or 'you can't do that' I believe that fully applies to, say, touching a hot stove. You can't touch a hot stove. I am fine saying that sentence to my boys.
I would never tell them that they CAN'T run fast or ride a bike or paint a beautiful picture or run for student council, etc. Huge difference there.
I was told I was stupid, worthless, a whore (at 9 years old), a waste of air, and other things for my entire childhood. It was "lovely"...
I was constantly told things like, "No, you can't stay the night with Friend (to get away from the abuse) because they don't need to deal with your worthless a$$." THAT is not an appropriate way to say "no". I was told I can't graduate high school, I can't go to college, I can't make the cheer squad. The artwork I made that won contests was ugly. THIS is the point of the post my brother made. It wasn't the small contribution of not telling your child "no" or "you can't". It was the CONTEXT.
That's horrible. I'm so sorry you were raised that way. I can't imagine.
To add Cheerilee, I meant the word lovely in the most negative way. I judge the hell out of any parent that would call their child stupid, let alone what was said to you. Again, I am sorry.
The way I grew up made me who I am. I don't think I'd have the level of empathy and understanding for the kids I work with and work for without my experience. That doesn't make my ex-stepdad any less of a twat. And I totally got your intonation of "lovely"! That's why I put quotations around it

Ok, whew. I just wanted to clarify - I meant it in the worse sense.

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