To call or not to call the hostess?
diamondduck13
member
First, I?ll introduce myself: I'm a lurker of the past few weeks who has enjoyed reading all these posts about when & how not to do a baby shower. As the daughter of a woman who drove traditional etiquette into my head from the moment I could sit up and talk, it?s fun to read how others interpret these traditions and debate them in an online forum. And now I?m interested in the two cents of you lovely ladies on my baby shower question of the day.
In two weeks my MIL?s friends are hosting a baby shower for me in my husband?s home town (there?s no local female family other than my MIL, so the entire guest list is friends of my MIL. Even the hostesses I?ve only seen twice before ? once at my wedding shower, the second at my wedding). When I spoke to my MIL yesterday, I learned, from what she?s heard from her friends, it appears everyone received their invitation early this past week, whereas mine has not yet arrived. So it appears my invitation was lost in the mail, misaddressed, or accidently forgotten. Because, in my MIL?s words, obviously I?m invited. This raises the following question for me:
This same group of women hosted a wedding shower for me almost two years ago. As felt like the appropriate, gracious thing to do, as soon as I received that invite, I called the hostess who was the RSVP contact and raved about how cute I thought the invite was, how much I appreciated them doing this, and how much I was looking forward to the party. I?d obviously like to do this again with the baby shower, but (1) I don?t know who the RSVP contact is without asking my MIL, which I can easily do; and (2) it feels weird to call and not mention the invitation ? to not mention it to me may be rude if the oversight might imply I didn?t like it. But in this case to mention it would be to lie (because I haven?t seen it!), which I have never done well because I have never been comfortable lying, so I don?t consider that an option. Telling her I haven?t received it also does not feel like an option because I can?t think of any way to say that without the underlying implication being I?m pointing out her mistake and/or I?m upset and/or that?s the reason I?m calling. I want it clear I?m calling to express my appreciation, as I did for the wedding shower.
What would you do? Call to convey the appreciation as I would like to, without mentioning the invite (risking the implication being I didn?t like it or why wouldn?t I mention its cuteness?), or just not call and leave it all alone?
Oh, and for those out there who can empathize because they
share my social anxieties, appreciate a few
good luck vibes with my nerves at being
at a party of guesstimated 35 people only one of whom (my MIL) I?ve seen more
than twice before! Good thing they?re really there for my MIL and not for me, I
know from the wedding shower experience that takes some of the pressure off! And for the record, I agree a party of that
size of women who?ve only seen the MTB at most twice before, is ridiculous. But my MIL loved that her friends wanted to
do this and I felt the gracious thing to do was to accept with a smile and make
her and her friends happy. In my mind,
it is really her party. I?m just showing
up to make that possible for her, because 60/70ish-year old women can?t have
their fun of having a baby shower unless they can find a pregnant lady to show
up to smile at the center of it 
Re: To call or not to call the hostess?
I would either:
1. Call and thank the host without mentioning the invite
2. Call MIL and ask her about the invite (maybe she can send you hers?)
3. Leave it alone (don't call)
If it makes you feel any better, my MIL (and friends) also want/wanted to throw me a shower. I have been married to DH for almost 9 years and have only met one or two of them once or so. The idea of it is intimidating for me, but it is very important to MIL, so I told her OK and gave her some dates. Turns out the dates didn't work for her, so she is having the shower after the baby is here. We still don't have a date, likely the baby will be a month or two old.
It is clear that the shower is really about MIL (not me) because it is her friends, and that is OK. I don't think anyone will think it looks gift grabby because clearly it wasn't your idea (how could it be? you don't even know these people).
When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.
Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
Expecting Baby Bean February 2017
Maybe I am just new to the idea but I think it is very strange that a stranger (technically an acquaintance) is hosting a baby shower for you. Seems very awkward and unnecessary. JMO!
To answer your question, I would call MIL first and ask to get a copy, like PP said maybe she can send you hers? I am sure you would want a copy for the baby book if that is something you are in to anyway.
Or after seeing the invite from MIL you can call the host and tell her how cute they are and if you could have a copy of your own to save.
GL
Thanks for the responses! When I spoke with my MIL yesterday I told her I hadn't received it - she said she had a couple extra her friend had given her, so she'd give me one to keep when I got to town. I wish she'd offered to mail it, but she didn't, and I felt weird asking. Instead she said she didn't want to tell me what it looked like, so I'd be surprised. Tried to let that pass without feeling annoyed, because I don't like surprises and I am curious how they wrote it (for instance, does it reference anything tacky like bring books or diapers!) I guess I'll see it soon enough - the shower is in just two weeks. As PP said, it's really her party, not mine!
I think I'll talk to my MIL about it again, ask her for the hostess' number so I can call to express my appreciate/give my RSVP, and go from there. I appreciate y'alls responses, it helps me to think through this!
My BFF is throwing my shower next weekend, and purposefully didn't send me one, since it was obvious that I was going.
My MIL did show me a copy of hers, so I have seen it, but it was a quick glance and I was distracted enough by the fact that she added a slip of paper with registry info on it (yikes), that I didn't even notice the time I'm supposed to show up!
I hope that's not the case, I understand we're human if it was a mistake, but to purposefully not send the guest of honor an invite seems odd to me. To me, it seems reasonable for the host to assume the guest of honor would enjoy seeing and having a copy of her own! I decided to give it one more day, see if it's in the mail when I go home today. If not I'm calling my MIL tonight for the RSVP contact's name and number so I can call and express my appreciation and how much I'm looking forward to attending.