My marriage is sucky.

rjeller32 · June 2013

I am having a rough time lately, and I really just need some advice.

DH is driving me up the wall. We just haven't been connecting for the past few months (really, since DD2 was born). I am a SAHM, looking for a job, and he b!tches all the time that I am not trying hard enough. I sacrificed my college education so he could work on his career, and was planning to finish my degree this fall, but he is completely against it. He says that there is no point for a degree, and I should be happy working a minimum wage job instead of adding to our debt, but it's been hard for me to find a job that doesn't interfere with his night job schedule, and I think it's smarter for me to further my education so I can have a career instead of dead end jobs. (I was going to school for elementary ed)

On top of that, he complains that I am trying to pick fights every day, which I really am not, it's little things like "Have you paid the car payment?" and he freaks out on me for being so nosey.

He has brought up divorce multiple times this week, and it's crushing me. I love him, but it doesn't feel like he is in the same position anymore. We've been married for 2 years, and together for 5, I just want to sit him down and have a serious talk, but he always finds an excuse to avoid the topic.

We don't DTD. He doesn't talk to me. It's like he has this issue with me for being a SAHM, and I wish there was something I could do to help. I literally apply for jobs all the time, but nothing has come up for months, and it sucks. I just don't know what to do at this point. I know it's quite pathetic to be begging for help on an online parenting community, but I don't have anyone that would understand in my life right now. Any advice would be just soooo great, because I am at a complete loss, and am a hot mess over it all.

*LrCg* · June 2013

I'm really sorry your going through this. I think being a SAHM is a very under appreciated job and I also think that a spouse can also be jealous (and embarrassed for being jealous) so its a very big act of balancing. I also think that when a baby comes in the mix, its VERY easy to take advantage of each other. Its a stupid simple question but have you talked to him about his anger? What's upsetting him so much? What does he need you to do? and vice versus? I find that men have a lot more difficulties juggling many things at once- could it be the stress of the new baby? Is there a counselor you guys could speak with? I personally feel you should never throw out the D word- its not like "we're breaking up" back in high school- the D word is serious and you never say it unless your find doing it the next day. Its a tough talk but its clear it needs to be done- sweeping it under the rug is only going to make a bigger mess. Sorry no advice but best of luck to you!

rjeller32 · June 2013

*LrCg*:
I'm really sorry your going through this. I think being a SAHM is a very under appreciated job and I also think that a spouse can also be jealous (and embarrassed for being jealous) so its a very big act of balancing. I also think that when a baby comes in the mix, its VERY easy to take advantage of each other. Its a stupid simple question but have you talked to him about his anger? What's upsetting him so much? What does he need you to do? and vice versus? I find that men have a lot more difficulties juggling many things at once- could it be the stress of the new baby? Is there a counselor you guys could speak with? I personally feel you should never throw out the D word- its not like "we're breaking up" back in high school- the D word is serious and you never say it unless your find doing it the next day. Its a tough talk but its clear it needs to be done- sweeping it under the rug is only going to make a bigger mess. Sorry no advice but best of luck to you!

Thank you for your words.

I have talked to him a little, but it always ends up with him going for a drive to "think" and then coming home acting like nothing happened. I know it's the stress of dealing with two kids, us recently moving, and me not having a career, as well as probably a little jealous of being a SAHM like you said.

I also agree the the D word shouldn't be thrown around, and I am not one to put up with that roller coaster, we aren't in HS, we have kids and responsibilities. I believe if it gets to that point, we need to have a sit down and talk about counseling or splitting up if that's what he really wants, but he just refuses to face it. I've tried mentioning counseling, but that went over like a lead balloon.

I just know that he is a stubborn person, that holds his feelings in until it gets to a point where it's time to give up, and I don't want that. He is like my best friend, and he doesn't want anything to do with me lately. I just don't know how to work on a marriage with such a stubborn person.

kescalera · June 2013

Oh, honey, you're going to make me cry. That sounds pretty awful and so very familiar. As PP said, try talking but if he's not open to talking to you about anything then its sort of up to you to make the choice. While DH and I have different issues we're currently working through we've been able to keep limping along by keeping the communication going and being honest with our feelings, even the icky, uncomfortable ones.

You can either choose to give him more time (and space) to figure out what is going on, just make sure you let him know "Hey, I know you don't want to talk right now, but when you do I will listen" and always, always, always take that time to listen. I will put LO down for a nap and/or send SS11 out to ride his bike or read in his room any time DH opens up so he knows he will have complete attention.

Your other option is to say, "Fine, you are obviously not happy, do not appreciate me as a person, life-partner, mother, and I deserve a chance to be happy and successful too." and file those papers & work on getting on with your life.

[Deleted User] · June 2013

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Jackiemxoxo · June 2013

I can empathize where you are coming from because I am a SAHM trying to complete my master's degree online. I think it is easy for whoever is working to forget how hard it is to take care of a baby/kids all day and night. Plus, daycare is a lot of money nowadays so staying at home can be a good idea if you can. Is doing school online an option? I think completing your degree could open up more jobs.

My DH also complains if I ask him questions about stuff so I try and just manage all the money and bills, that way I don't have to nag him for stuff because I know if I am in control of it, it will get done.

I think most importantly you have to find a way to reconnect and become intimate again. That can be a real downer on a marriage and make it difficult to get through the hard stuff. I know we didn't DTD when I was pregnant and I just felt like everything was going downhill. I felt better eventually when we were able to reconnect, we were both willing to help each other out more.

I think you should find a way to talk to him when things have cooled down. If you are able to voice your concerns, you might feel better about being closer with him. Maybe do it little by little that way he doesn't feel stressed out and leave for a drive. Also, give yourself a break.. you mentioned how you just went through a big move which is stressful in itself.

I hope things get better for you soon.

*LrCg* · June 2013

Another thing I thought of, how is his bond with the kids? Obviously we're only getting one side and I can only speak through my experience but I know that although my DH loves that I'm a SAHM (I work only 12 hours a week) and I do all to take any stress off him (cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills, food shopping, etc-) there is a small bit of jealously of the bond with our kids. And of course since the kids spend the most time with me, they listen and behave better for me. So it frustrates my DH. Also, I will admit, we have 3 kids under 4 and I micro manage everything and juggle a lot at once and sometimes the fault of that is he can sometimes feel out of the loop of the daily going ons. So I've made an effort to include him: our projects are sometimes gifts for Daddy or we do pictures for Daddy, etc. My reasoning for asking about the kids relationship is because maybe its not just you: maybe its just stress from all the adjustments: moving, careers, kids/babies (which all 3 are HUGE HUGE HUGE)- not to mention, I'm guessing you guys are probably late 20's-late 30's and its a life adjustment. To me, life is just starting and for the first time your actions impact everyone not just yourself- can be a very heavy weight. I like the other PP advise on letting him know you're hear to listen and focus a bit on yourself.

rjeller32 · June 2013

JandACoffee:
rjeller32:
but that went over like a lead balloon.
First, I just gotta say, I have never heard this analogy before but I love it, and you can bet I'm going to find some way to use it in the next couple days.
But onto the more serious issue here... It sounds like your DH has a difficult time discussing what's going on with him, and I imagine like PP said that it has a lot more to do with him struggling with his situation (trying to juggle, jealousy over SAH, etc...) than it actually has to do with what you're doing. Also, with the touchiness over the car payment (I know it was just an example) and him wanting you to get a job and not add to debt that he is getting really stressed over finances. This is always a hot button issue if it is an issue at all, and he is probably struggling with the responsibility of being a sole provider, and if you are struggling financially, then he may feel like he is failing as a provider and taking it out on you.
Shortly after DH and I got married we went through some issues (different ones but similar situation in that DH doesn't like to talk about things and the "D" word was already coming up). I ended up going to counseling on my own once a week for a couple months. DH and I never went together, but me going was enough to help get my mind back in the right place, find ways to better communicate with him, and also work on my own personal boundaries and ways to assert those in marriage. It really did help, and if your DH doesn't want to go, you might consider going by yourself. Most communities have sliding scale counseling services if your insurance doesn't cover it. Try 211 if you need help finding someplace nearby (community resources line - dial 211 just like you would dial 911 for information on community resources or go to https://www.211.org/).

I think we struggle financially to the point where we can pay our bills and save some, but we don't have the extra money to go out or travel, which seems pretty normal. We have struggled a lot more in the past financially and been much better relationship wise, but I also worked back then, so he could be a little stressed and wishing I worked so we could have more freedom. At the same time, we are trying to save up to own our own house, so even if I had a job I would be paying off loans/saving and not going out with it.

I am definitely will go to counseling on my own if he doesn't want to, which I am guessing his ideas on counseling are still pretty negative. Thank you for the info on counseling, I really appreciate it!

rjeller32 · June 2013

Jackiemxoxo:
I can empathize where you are coming from because I am a SAHM trying to complete my master's degree online. I think it is easy for whoever is working to forget how hard it is to take care of a baby/kids all day and night. Plus, daycare is a lot of money nowadays so staying at home can be a good idea if you can. Is doing school online an option? I think completing your degree could open up more jobs.
My DH also complains if I ask him questions about stuff so I try and just manage all the money and bills, that way I don't have to nag him for stuff because I know if I am in control of it, it will get done.
I think most importantly you have to find a way to reconnect and become intimate again. That can be a real downer on a marriage and make it difficult to get through the hard stuff. I know we didn't DTD when I was pregnant and I just felt like everything was going downhill. I felt better eventually when we were able to reconnect, we were both willing to help each other out more.
I think you should find a way to talk to him when things have cooled down. If you are able to voice your concerns, you might feel better about being closer with him. Maybe do it little by little that way he doesn't feel stressed out and leave for a drive. Also, give yourself a break.. you mentioned how you just went through a big move which is stressful in itself.
I hope things get better for you soon.

From everything I have researched on local universities, I can't get my degree in elementary ed online, but I am still looking into it. Even part time would be good for me, or I suppose I could finish the remainders of my core classes online and then go to school on campus when the girls are older.

It's a good idea too to let him cool down. I keep pestering him about it, so it's probably just making it worse. And I will try to take a break from all the stressing. Thanks so much! Smile

rjeller32 · June 2013

*LrCg*:
Another thing I thought of, how is his bond with the kids? Obviously we're only getting one side and I can only speak through my experience but I know that although my DH loves that I'm a SAHM (I work only 12 hours a week) and I do all to take any stress off him (cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills, food shopping, etc-) there is a small bit of jealously of the bond with our kids. And of course since the kids spend the most time with me, they listen and behave better for me. So it frustrates my DH. Also, I will admit, we have 3 kids under 4 and I micro manage everything and juggle a lot at once and sometimes the fault of that is he can sometimes feel out of the loop of the daily going ons. So I've made an effort to include him: our projects are sometimes gifts for Daddy or we do pictures for Daddy, etc. My reasoning for asking about the kids relationship is because maybe its not just you: maybe its just stress from all the adjustments: moving, careers, kids/babies (which all 3 are HUGE HUGE HUGE)- not to mention, I'm guessing you guys are probably late 20's-late 30's and its a life adjustment. To me, life is just starting and for the first time your actions impact everyone not just yourself- can be a very heavy weight. I like the other PP advise on letting him know you're hear to listen and focus a bit on yourself.

In our house, his relationship with DD1 is much better than it is with me. I think it is because I am the disciplinary factor. With DD2, he is not very interested. She is really high demand, so I think he is struggling to connect with her when she is always attached to my hip.

I totally understand all of these things are huge adjustments, and I just have to give it time to feel normal for all of us. He is freshly 25, and that has been hard on him, realizing he is only 5 years from 30, so I can understand that is probably another rough adjustment. I on the other hand, am only 21 (pretty much a giant kid still), so it can sometimes still be hard to have the huge responsibility of parenting when none of my other friends are in this stage of life. I have had to live on my own since I was 14, so responsibility of bills and finances isn't too new, but it can be hard to not get jealous of others with more freedom.

I am so grateful for all of your responses, and will definitely be taking all of the advice and seeing how it works out. I am feeling a lot more confident we can fix our relationship! This is exactly why I love this board Smile

jsoubel · June 2013

I am sending you a hug, a real big one. I hope you can work things out. there is a lot of reasonable advice from our Bump friends! I would urge you to finish your degree. online is a fantastic idea like the pp said. If money is the issue, make your case that online is cheaper and a degree will help your family earn more money. You don't want to be pennywise get low paying job now and poundfoolish at the expense of getting a degree and earning more money down the line!

Edit: and, if you are not involved in the finances at all, think about becoming involved. it will help you understand him, and you should know anyway.

aelhunt · June 2013

I'm sorry hun that you are going thought this. One thought job wise could be subbing. It pays pretty good and the schedule is days so it wouldn't interfere with nights for him. Also, it is in your field and you could test out the job market and maybe if you found a good school that was hiring he might be more open to finishing the degree. Just a thought. GL hun and know that we are here for you.

rjeller32 · June 2013

aelhunt:
I'm sorry hun that you are going thought this. One thought job wise could be subbing. It pays pretty good and the schedule is days so it wouldn't interfere with nights for him. Also, it is in your field and you could test out the job market and maybe if you found a good school that was hiring he might be more open to finishing the degree. Just a thought. GL hun and know that we are here for you.

I hadn't thought of subbing, I will look into that. Thank you so much for the support

Cellis · June 2013

rjeller32:
aelhunt:
I'm sorry hun that you are going thought this. One thought job wise could be subbing. It pays pretty good and the schedule is days so it wouldn't interfere with nights for him. Also, it is in your field and you could test out the job market and maybe if you found a good school that was hiring he might be more open to finishing the degree. Just a thought. GL hun and know that we are here for you.
I hadn't thought of subbing, I will look into that. Thank you so much for the support

I got my degree in Elementary Education last May (2012), how much school do you have left? It is a tough one to finish online due to the student teaching that you have to complete. I don't know how much they require at your school, but I had to student teach for a full year which took up all of my days. I definitely agree that you should finish getting your degree. You will have so many more options with a degree than you would without one (obviously). Subbing is a great way to make a good impression on the school districts and student teaching will give you even more connections. I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch with your DH. I wish I had some awesome advice to help you with it, but I can't get my DH to talk with me when there's a problem. So I'm probably not the best to help there, but if you have any questions about your degree choice I can try to help. :-)

ForeverEverAfter · June 2013

All the PPs gave really good advice! I just wanted to respond to the last line of your OP-it's not pathetic to ask for help here that's what we all do, it's the purpose of these groups! I'm really sorry you're going through such a rough time. My H doesn't appreciate me staying home either, just keeps saying I should be doing more. I think guys underestimate how much goes into running a household. I'm on mat leave (Canada) and my benefits are almost as much as his income, so he really doesn't have a leg to stand on, he's just frustrated.

Try opening up communication. Pick a time that's more relaxed and ask him what he wants from you. Good luck!

rjeller32 · June 2013

ForeverEverAfter:
All the PPs gave really good advice! I just wanted to respond to the last line of your OP-it's not pathetic to ask for help here that's what we all do, it's the purpose of these groups! I'm really sorry you're going through such a rough time. My H doesn't appreciate me staying home either, just keeps saying I should be doing more. I think guys underestimate how much goes into running a household. I'm on mat leave (Canada) and my benefits are almost as much as his income, so he really doesn't have a leg to stand on, he's just frustrated.
Try opening up communication. Pick a time that's more relaxed and ask him what he wants from you. Good luck!

Thanks! I just feel a little lame not having any friends to relate to. This whole ordeal has made me a hermit, and the one friend I did try to talk to about it told me "divorce his , take his car, and fluck some stud". Umm, not that kind of lady.

It makes sense that men can underestimate SAHMing, and I will definitely consider that before I confront him, so I don't come off sounding like I am attacking him.

I am feeling a lot more confident about being able to fix our marriage, really due to all of you ladies and your great advice.

So much love is sent your way!

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