NBR: How hard should you have to work at a friendship?

MickeyM04 · June 2013

I have a couple of girlfriends who I literally never see anymore except for special occasions like birthdays or weddings. One of them has a crazy job which has her working late hours, on weekends, etc. Pretty much any time I ask her to grab lunch or anything she says she's got a lot going on and she'll have to get back to me, but then a month goes by and I won't hear from her. When we do hang out, it's great and she's an amazing friend and she always apologizes profusely that it's been so long since we've hung out. But then it's the same story with me having to chase her down to get a date set for us to hang out.

The other friend I feel like has been blowing me off. Right now I'm trying to book her to hang out TWO MONTHS from now because that's how busy she is or claims to be. Then I keep trading emails with her and concluding the email with, "So, can I put you down for X date?" Then she either won't respond at all or she'll respond but completely ignore the question. I'm not sure if that's her way of trying to let me know she doesn't want to hang out or if she's that busy that she doesn't have time to respond or what...

At what point do you just step back and say, OK, I'm going to wait for you to contact me, and if that's never, then so be it? I mean I'm a working mom...Between commuting and working I'm out of the house from 7am to 6pm every day. I think it's kind of BS that with how busy I am, I somehow manage to find time for people, but these two somehow can't. Am I just not important enough of a friend? Is it time to step back?

hopefulmom81 · June 2013

Once I hit my late 20's I stopped trying for friendships.

Unless there is an extreme circumstance (health issue, or what have you), IMO friendships are supposed to be the lighthearted relationships that make your life better and happier.

If it becomes a headache or a major effort to deal with someone or to see them? Snip, snip is what I say, but I am kind of a b!tch when it comes to stuff like this. I looked at my life at one point and realized I was in a LOAD of toxic and one-sided friendships. I am much much MUCH happier without them. Life is too short to be surrounded by draining people.

delino · June 2013

I personally wouldn't put that much effort into a friendship if I felt she wasn't reciprocating the effort. I would stop trying to book her and let her contact you if she wants to see you.

MickeyM04 · June 2013

I know you ladies are right and that's what my head is telling me too. But it's hard because these girls are such good friends. One of them was soooo supportive after my m/c and she threw me an amazing baby shower and she's just like one of those people that when she does put forth the effort, she is an AMAZING friend. The other one is just like someone who's been there through thick and thin. Always giving helpful advice and offering help in a bind and was like my big cheerleader during my pregnancy when she knew I was super nervous about something bad happening. So it's not like these are like casual friends where you're like OK no biggie, I just won't talk to them anymore.

I think the problem is I know that if I stop trying, I won't ever hear from them again which I guess just says they aren't as good of friends as I think and it's time to let go. I just get all nostalgic thinking about how good of friends they've been in the past and it's hard to realize that maybe it's just not how it used to be anymore.

delino · June 2013

I understand that it's hard to let go of friendships. I've had lots of friends that we went from hanging out all the time to only a couple times a year. I still consider them good friends and they've been there for me in my darkest hours, but i still don't chase them down to be friends.

orangegoggles · June 2013

I would probably give them some time to see if they contact you. I tend to be the friend that gets wrapped up in life and might see someone for a while. It doesn't mean that I don't want to see them and when we are together it is great but I'm afraid I go through life phases where it is just one more thing to do.

Let them reach out to you. They will eventually and maybe once life calms down you will get back to he wy Thigs were. It sound like they are usually pretty solid friends.

Thanks for this post, you've reminded me to give my friend a call an arrange a visit!

martinimomma · June 2013

Peanut, are we sure you aren't one of my friends IRL? (Kidding, but I could have either written or been the subject of your post).

I have 3 good friends in the area. One is a single mom with an 11 year-old. She plays in adult sporting leagues (softball, etc.). and he is in sports too. The other 2 are SAHMs, one with 3 kids aged 5, 9 and 11 (2 are in travel sports) and 1 with 2 kids aged 9 and 11 (who are in kids theater and sports). Between their schedules and mine, with my work hours thrown into the mix, and the fact that they both live in the city and I live in a suburb 20 minutes away with a toddler who has a nap schedule, I hardly ever see them.

Seriously. As in, I last saw the single mom friend when G was an infant. He is now 20 months old. Only one of them has seen me this entire pregnancy (and it was when I was like 8 weeks along - I'll be 25 weeks this week).

Each of us has tried, at various junctures, to plan time to grab lunch. One of them texts and emails fairly regularly, one occasionally (I get her "send to all family members" emails about the kids plays, links to shutterfly albums she sends to everyone, etc.) and one not at all.

I know I am part of the problem, but I just don't have the time or energy to be part of the solution. I have taken the approach of putting forth reciprocal amounts of effort to that coming my way (i.e., the friend who texts and emails always gets texts and emails back, and I initiate texts and emails to her). I thought things would improve as G aged, but with LO #2 on the way, we are going to be in babydom for some time while their kids enter the pre-teen years. Totally different ways of life, and I hope we can all reconnect as time goes on.

I feel like DH and I need to find some *new* friends who are in the same spot in life with young kids. Our friends' kids are all so much older that they just can't relate and they are on a totally different schedule than we are. They do things in the weekend evenings that start when G goes to bed. But finding time to meet new people is not exactly easy either, and I don't want to forsake these lifelong friendships for a few crazy years of child-rearing.

Anyway. Apologies that this became a rant all about me. But I've been thinking about this lately and it has been on my mind. So I relate on both sides of your post.

ETA - to fix type-os in my ramble.

s0ulchicken · June 2013

I AM currently the crummy friend who cannot commit to a time/date/occasion. I work from home, and only have the babies in daycare 2 half days a week. My older children are active in sports and other activities, and I seriously only have about an hour to myself on any given day, and that is usually when I am trying to fold laundry at midnight. I am ridiculously protective of any down time I have.

My dearest friend has made so many attempts to get together, and I am ashamed of the number of times that I have blown her off. She is such a good friend though, that she finally said "When you are available and able, give me a call and we will figure something out" We usually have terrific phone dates though, typically while I am driving and can talk uninterrupted. She knows that I consider her a dear friend, and understands that right now, my life is one big scheduled task list.

This was a really long way of saying, tell your friends they're sucking at friendship, and then drop the ball back in their court. They'll either pick it up, or not. If they don't, then its their loss, not yours. Easier said than done, I know. Good luck lady!

VeilSdeGTO · June 2013

I am the person who is busy with a kid and working full time while most of my friends do not have kids or even jobs. Therefore, I am usually the one changing plans or trying to work around DD's schedule. Now that she is a little older and on a more predictable schedule, it isn't as bad.

Having said that, I always try and let friends know in advance of what time works and don't. I try not to cancel and there is no need to make plans that far in advance.

If I had to try that hard with friends, I wouldn't. I just don't have the time to chase down people. I'm at an age where I have my long time friends and that's pretty much it. If I have to wait months and multiple reschedule/cancellations, than it is up to that person to contact me when they are free.

Besides, I'd rather spend time with my family anyways!

spincat9 · June 2013

I personally don't think you should have to work as hard as you are working. Friendships should be reciprocal not one-sided. Sounds like while maybe the past was great, perhaps you have drifted apart from these friends. It might be time to let go IMHO...

Rachel Goldstein · June 2013

hopefulmom81:
Once I hit my late 20's I stopped trying for friendships.
Unless there is an extreme circumstance (health issue, or what have you), IMO friendships are supposed to be the lighthearted relationships that make your life better and happier.
If it becomes a headache or a major effort to deal with someone or to see them? Snip, snip is what I say, but I am kind of a b!tch when it comes to stuff like this. I looked at my life at one point and realized I was in a LOAD of toxic and one-sided friendships. I am much much MUCH happier without them. Life is too short to be surrounded by draining people.

Perfectly put!! ::::CLAP::::

MickeyM04 · June 2013

Thanks for all the input ladies! I think it's hard because I am a full time working mom who still tries my darndest to make time for her friends. So I don't really buy into the whole, "Oh I'm too busy, I work full time, I have kids, my kids are active..." excuse lines because it's like, "Um. Yeah. Me too. On all counts." But I agree with all PP's.

And martinimomma...maybe we ARE friends in real life We are both in the same geographic area...HMMMM!

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