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Blended Families
twister22
member
SM's "overstepping" - S/O Childless SM's
twister22
member
I thought what Littlejen & hopanka said in the Childless SM's thread would lead to an interesting discussion.
Here's what they said:
Littlejen22:...I also think women tend to want to fix things
so are more likely to overstep boundries.
hopanka:I think in a lot of instances it is the womans innate
need to control things in her household, whereas men tend to be more laid back
and are not invested in fighting till the end for every little thing. They dont
take everything literally or personally. not everything is a competition dor
them, because they are not as emotionally invested in everything that concerns
family, children and their daily life. Moms step included tend to be very
invested in family life, it is usually their top priority above all else. And
since step kids become big game players and also game changers in their family,
they want to control how things are run when it comes to step kids. That seems
like butting in from bio moms' point of view, and you have conflict. Too many
times you hear, how things sort of ran smoothly between divorced parent, until
new step mom came into the picture and decided to disturb the
equilibrium...whether she thought dad was being taken advantage of, had too
little time, paid too much CS...etc. Step dads sort walk in and adapt to their
role, without throwing their weight around too much, at least in
general.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: SM's "overstepping" - S/O Childless SM's
My thoughts on this: I really agree with what they're saying, and have experienced it myself. At first, BD was a very uninterested father. He didn't see DS or even call. There were actually several occasions after our split that we ran into each other, and he would say hi and ask how I was, but not once did he ask about DS. One time we ran into each other at the grocery store, and he told me he was there to kill time. I told him DS was in the car with my mom if he wanted to see him (he hadn't seen him for 4 months at this point) and he said nah that was okay.
BD then started dating a girl who had a DS 2 months younger than our DS. Suddenly BD started calling on different random days in the morning saying he wanted to come pick DS up in an hour. I told him an hour's notice didn't work, but he could pick him up that evening or the next day or whatever - and I would give him several options. He would hang up and then text me about how I was keeping him from DS and how I wouldn't let him be a father. Are you freaking kidding me?! He saw DS 4 times during that month that he dated this girl, and every time it would be BD, DS, the girlfriend, and the girlfriend's DS, and BD posted all about his 'little family' of the 4 of them - it was bizarre. He never asked for an overnight though - until the day before Christmas Eve. BD demanded to pick up DS Christmas Eve morning and then bring him back the day after Christmas. I told him I didn't think that was fair, and offered for him to pick DS up Christmas morning and bring him back late that night. He didn't take it, he told me I was controlling, and filed for a CO.
Suddenly the girlfriend disappeared. BD & I went to mediation, and I offered EOWE and an evening visit on the off weeks. BD said that?s more than he was going to ask for and he took it. In this situation I think it is very obvious what the driving force was behind BD being suddenly interested in seeing DS.
Then, BD started dating XG ? who lived 3 hours away. At first, BD continued his trend of skipping the majority of his visits and never calling. Then, XG got pregnant 2 months into their relationship, and XG wanted to have a family. All of a sudden BD started taking all of his EOWE visits, and even sent an email saying that he couldn't do the evening visits so I had to add them on to his EOWE. BD isn't the most intelligent person, and his emails and texts are always full of spelling and grammatical errors, and he is very scatter-brained. Suddenly, I am getting emails that are fairly articulately written, and demanding things that BD never previously cared about. Again, it was obvious that the girl was the driving force.
My perspective: I have no issues with BD stepping up and being the father DS deserves. But I DO take issue with it coming from someone else instead of BD. Now that BD and XG are split, he has gone back to his old ways. Over this past year since they split up, BD has made some progress - a two steps forward, one step back type of thing. Anyway, both times after the girl was out of the picture, BD reverted back to his old ways. These girls didn't change BD, they altered his actions during their relationship. I think that's wrong. I hate when I hear SMs say things like "Well BD isn't good at drafting emails, so I write it for him and then he reads over it and approves it." I think that's BS. Let BD write the email, and then proof read it for him. If the SM is the one initially writing the email, then it's the SM's perspective and feelings, not the BD's.
I have more thoughts on this, but can't seem to gather them all together and put my thoughts into words.
I agree with that to an extent. I know of several cases where the BD will act like Super Dad when they have a GF to impress the girl, but I also know of several cases where the GF will take control of the Father-Child relationship and force things. It can go both ways.
I was just sharing in my case that it has been a girl overstepping, not BD trying to impress. Although, when BD is single he will pick up DS for day visits (that always start later and end earlier than originally planned) and take lots of pictures to post on FB and everyone comments on what a "great dad" he is. He is improving as a dad though, and I think now his intentions are usually good, although sometimes misguided.
It's really unfair to blame the SM or to characterize women as a certain way that negatively impacts specific situations.
In the other thread you can see there are women who don't want kids, women who have their own 10 kids, women who are career focused and work 70 hours a week and Dh handles the home stuff, women who don't care to meet the BM or women who want to be her friend, women who don't want to connect with their stepkids and those who do.
The only assessment I can give is that these are extremely volatile situations. The custody system almost grooms these relationships to be hostile because it is a constant power struggle.
For example, the other day was our day with SS and also my dads birthday. Bm texted Dh the same day and said SS had an obligation after school and she hoped we would bring SS. Dh said too bad we have plans, SS needs to be responsible to share his plans ahead of time. She threatened to call the police and take us back to court. We caved so as not to embarrass SS. She absolutely would have called the police. At first I was mad but then I just had to shake my head. These situations are idiotically emotionally charged. It's just a sad situation for a child to grow up in, they're the real losers.
Obviously things are different from situation to situation. But I don't think it's a SM's job to foster or control the relationship between BD & his kids or between BD & BM. The BD needs to step up and handle things himself, IMO. If DH were to find out today he had a kid, I wouldn't tell him what to do one way or another. That would be HIS kid, and he would need to decide what he wanted to pursue, not me.
I'm not trying to "blame" the SM, so I'm sorry if it came across that way. I think some situations the SM tries to control things, and in other situations the BD is the driving force (like in Cole's situation, her DH has gone above and beyond to make sure he has a relationship with his DD, and that was going on before Cole was in the picture.)
The BM in your situation sounds BSC. She was going to call the police if you didn't give her SS during your DH's CO'd time? That's insane. I would NOT of caved.
The two instances I described I think those girls were overstepping their bounds. I think it was ridiculous that XG wrote the emails and then signed BD's name. It's one thing if in a BF situation the BM & SM are the ones communicating and that's what works for them, but it's another for a GF or SM to shove herself on the BM.
I recognize that being a SM is a very thankless job. You're told to butt out and mind your own business because it's not your kid, but then your told to love your SK as your own and treat them as so. And I don't think that's fair. I'm not saying a SM has no say on how things go in the child's life (i.e. at the SM & BD's house it should be their rules - the BM has no say in that.), but I am saying that the SM shouldn't be the one fostering the relationship between the BD & child, that should be the BD. The SM shouldn't be saying "XY&Z isn't fair, you need to file to change that!" It should be the BD that decides those things. If there is something that the BD wants changed or done, then it should come from his own head, not SM's, if ykwim.
And of course all of this can be switched around for a BM who doesn't care as much but a SF who does. But that's not nearly as common as a BD who doesn't care as much but a SM who does. It just isn't, plain and simple.
I've often wondered how much it's a new woman kind of taking over (which we certainly here about super frequently here) and how much it's the guy trying to put his best foot forward and whatever.
For XH, it's his mom/parents. If they did not urge him and help him, I think he would have even less of a relationship w/ DS than what he has. I understand why they do it, but I think it showcases for DS that XH doesn't parent. Which DS is totally okay with!
I have no clue what role XH's gf plays in his relationship w/ DS. If I had to guess, I would imagine that she doesn't encourage it.
Your situation is different in the fact that you seem to care more about SS than both BM & your DH. And you and BM have a good relationship, AND your SS wants to spend time with you.
See I think you are a great example. You are not overstepping because you are not trying. To have more of a relationship than your SD and even BM want so while we might tell you that you do too much it is never overstepping boundries because of what your relationship is with SS. And you have always known you do not want to be his Mom.
When DH and I got together he was already very active in SD's life, but anytime he did something BM didn't like she'd cancel his visitation and if he complained she'd tell him that since he wasn't a citizen and she was that he had to do what she said or else she'd go to court and he'd never see his daughter again. They did not have a CO in place.
I told him that wasn't true, and I told him about the resources available to him through the courts legal aid, etc. but he actually made and went to all his appointments by himself, and gathered the paperwork he needed. I did help him complete some of the paperwork because he couldn't understand some of the legal English in them, but he did nearly all the heavy lifting.
I think BM considers it overstepping because DH wasn't able to figure out how to navigate the system on his own, and he was able to force the CO issue. It took away her ability to use taking SD away as a threat, and I'm sure she resents that because now she has to compromise. I don't see it that way though I didn't do anything more than I would for any other friend faced with a similar situation. I hate when people take advantage of an immigrants fear or lack of knowledge of the American legal system.
This is almost identical to what happened with my situation. Before my husband and I were dating he was very involved with K. But BM really manipulated him and was constantly threatening to take K away from him if he didn't do what she wanted and pay for everything. When we started dating and I started seeing/hearing what was going on (and found out there wasn't even a CO) I recommended that he talk to an attorney to see what his rights were. Granted, I already knew what his rights were but I left it up to him to find out. He had a consultation and his eyes were opened. He filed for a set schedule and BM has blamed me ever since. I didn't pick DH's attorney, I didn't make the appointment, I didn't go with him. I just suggested he see an attorney. But taking away BM's power over him set her off. Once he got a set schedule and started being more involved with K's activities (that BM previously wouldn't let him be) any civilities with BM ceased.
Ever since then BM is all over the place on what she "thinks" I should be doing. At first she said she wanted me to be "a second mom" to K and be involved in everything. Then she wanted me to have nothing to do with K and even pitched a fit about me going to K's T-ball games. BM was so excited about K "finally having siblings" (my kiddos) and told K how lucky she is to have a big brother now, and here we are a few years later and she's telling K every chance she gets that my kids aren't her "real" siblings and that PJ is replacing her. Then she wanted me to take K to Dr appointments and would talk to me about everything, and a few days later declared I was "overstepping" by picking up K's prescription and giving it to her while she was with us. So I stopped trying to appease BM and have tried to remain consistent with my time/interaction with K. If K asks me to volunteer or help, I do. If K asks me to bring PJ to her class after school so she can show off her baby sister, I do. If K asks me to do her hair or help her pick out an outfit, I do.
Sure, I know there are times when I overstep. But there is no reasoning with BM. Either I'm doing too much or I'm not doing enough. Anytime I try and step back and do less (even if it's a smidge less), she tells K that I don't care about her. When I resume doing what I've been doing she tells everyone that I'm disrespecting her and trying to take her place. So as a SM, what can I really do? Where is the middle ground? I'm sure there are plenty of BM's who are reasonable and stable in their wants/expectations. Unfortunately, I seem to be dealing with a BM who only operates in the extremes and we never know which end of the spectrum she's at on any given day.
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^^ Exactly.
Phantom, there are so many times that you've posted on this Board that I find myself thinking, "Thank God you came into SS' life".
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This exactly sums up my experience as well. When we started dating, DH was as actively involved in SS's life as possible. He already had a CO, and had just retuned from an overseas deployment of 2 years, so he was finally able to get SS regularly. He had tried to see SS on his leave every time he was home but BM played games, saying that he could see SS while he was overseas, so that he wouldn't call his lawyer, then sending SS out of town when DH was in country. We had started dating the year after DH was permanently home and following the visitation schedule, yet she insists he only wanted to be a parent after meeting me because it suits her to. She still tells DH that he 'just started being a parent" when he has been actively involved for the last 7 years, with the only time he really wasn't was when he was gone for the military, but I digress.
In my case, BM wants me to be a babysitter to SS, but is a complete hypocrite in that she has tried to replace DH with her new husband in SS's life. SS call her DH dad, even though DH is his dad, and very involved. SS has been spanked by his stepdad, used to shower with him until about age 6, and has him coaching SS's sports teams, although DH wanted to. Up until SS was about 7 we still had to explain that his stepdad wasn't his birth father. He swore up and down that he was and DH was just an extra dad. However, I'm expected to chauffeur SS and take care of him physically while at my house, but nothing more. DH has made it very clear to SS since the beginning that he must listen to me and treat me as a parent, other then obviously he doesnt call me mom, rightfully so. According to BM, I'm not even supposed to tell SS that I love him because I'm not his family. I do it regardless because I do love my SS and although I'll respect most of her wishes as his mom, that isn't negotiable.
I think it is interesting how much focus is on stepmoms overstepping. In my personal experience I've seen far more stepdads fully taking on the role of dad in every sense of the term, even when the BD is involved, and yet that is seen as the norm. I think there is a huge double standard when it comes to women.
Agreed.
My husband has totally stepped up and assumed the role of a father to my kids (granted their father moved across the Country and does nothing to support them) and he is praised constantly. He's praised for remaining so active in K's life and taking on my kids. But then SM's get side-eyed when we do the same...
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It is so great that your kids have your DH, especially since their BD sucks at life. I think in that case it is definitely appropriate.
However, in my case DH is involved in every way possible and BM still tries to push him out of his life. BM's DH clearly oversteps in doing things that DH wants to do and can do, but is prevented by BM. My own MIL did the same thing to DH's dad, which caused all kinds of issues to be discussed another day... My MIL didn't even acknowledge that I should be recognized as a stepmom instead I am just 'dad's wife', but thinks BM is right to make SS call his stepdad dad since they live in the same house!
This exactly. I have very little faith in the family court system bc it seems like everything is a power struggle, and one parent winning or losing, versus doing what's in the best interest of the child.
""When DH and I got together he was already very active in SD's life, but anytime he did something BM didn't like she'd cancel his visitation"
This is almost identical to what happened with my situation. Before my husband and I were dating he was very involved with K. But BM really manipulated him and was constantly threatening to take K away from him if he didn't do what she wanted and pay for everything. When we started dating and I started seeing/hearing what was going on and found out there wasn't even a CO I recommended that he talk to an attorney to see what his rights were. Granted, I already knew what his rights were but I left it up to him to find out. He had a consultation and his eyes were opened. He filed for a set schedule and BM has blamed me ever since."
Count me into this scapegoat group. My DH worked 70 hours a week to give his ex more money than even the courts recommended, and all he wanted was to see his daughter on his few days off, and somehow he only got 8pm Saturdays till 9am Sundays so BM could use him as a babysitter while she went out. And he got stuck driving her to practices but BM would never tell him when the actual games were. And GOD FORBID he ever upset BM in anyway, he would lose visitation of his daughter like that. Yet the support order still came out of his paycheck automatically... So I came into the picture and told him "hey, you know the courts could regulate your visitation schedule" and while scared shtless of her, he finally filed a court order and since then SD has been WAY happier, crying a hell of a lot less, but alas, I'm the "overstepping SM" because of it? When my SD asks when she's sleeping over again, and DH confidently responds "this weekend", I know I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
I Think this is a very good topic. In my case, I felt that I was overstepping my boundaries so I backed off. I got phone calls from all 3 of 6yo SD's counselors within the week and I explained myself to them. They said no and that I was wrong.. I was told I came into their life and it was what they needed. It put me at ease to hear this from them and it's not like I don't want the responsibility... I just didn't want to be overbearing like I was trying to take control of everything and I wanted DH to be more involved in SD's counseling. The told me since DH works all the time and I was the one here with SD's all the time that I needed to be the one there since there have been so many positive changes. especially with 6yo SD.
When I moved in I immediately took 6yo SD under my wing.. she got a lot of my attention because All she wanted to do was lay in her bed and sleep or cry. She was 5yo at the time. This is something she has done since she was very young. SD's school counselor called me on a regular basis to see what I was doing to work with her and to Thank me, saying her self esteem had improved, she was doing better in her class and treating others better. SD's older siblings (1/2 siblings were always very mean to her. they would go out of their way to be mean to her about her weight or just anything really. She was not included in photos.. it was just horrible. Most of them played follow the leader and started being nicer to her after a while. She seems so much happier. She just needed some TLC And someone to give her some positive attention. I started by just reading books with her every night, that's what I did with my kids.. I thought it was just the norm... I caught DH crying outside their bedroom after we had finished a story one night and he said no one had ever done that!
Now that BM somewhat tries to be involved she doesn't want me to have anything to do with SD's, unless it's convenient for her, like if she wants to drop the kids off early or pick them up early. "why can't their stepmother do it" even though BM has said in the past that I can't watch them because I am always too drunk..haha.. I don't even drink! Oldest SD used to play the mom role when BM and DH were together because BM didn't want anything to do with them. Now she's mad that oldest SD is moving out as she is turning 18 and "won't be here to take care of SD's" BM really has no idea.
ETA: In the beginning I definitely overstepped with DH because when the C/O was put in place that BM get EOWE DH said he wasn't sending them at all bc she couldn't take care of them. She never came and got them anyways but I told him he had to or he would be in contempt. DH said he would rather go to jail than send SD's. I didn't know the full severity of what all he was talking about at first but have seen it just recently.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5