Article re: childless step moms

twinkl5379 · June 2013

I thought this was an interesting article and insight that a lot of people on the board forget b/c they also have bio-kids.

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/mary-t-kelly-ma/help-for-the-childless-st_b_3102893.html

xmaryrickx · June 2013

I hope that everyone takes the time to read this article. It absolutely says what I have believed, and experienced for a long time. While this obviously doesn't apply to everyone, it is absolutely real, and likely more common than not. I often feel like its a competition around here to make oneself seem like the perfect stepmom, but only when responding to a post of someone who is admitting their difficulties. And that's just crap. You can love your SKs, and want nothing but the best for them and still feel like an outsider. Like the article says, you are. You aren't supposed to be in that parental role, and it makes for a trying, often hurtful situation.

Good article Twink.

fellesferie · June 2013

It was really interesting.

I would be interested to know why it's so different for stepfathers. I'd estimate 90%+ of our posts are from stepmoms who are struggling. I often ask DH about what gets posted here, and he doesn't identify with hardly any of it.

I have a few friends/acquaintances who are closer to their stepdads than their bio-dads.

Littlejen22 · June 2013

fellesferie:
It was really interesting.I would be interested to know why it's so different for stepfathers. I'd estimate 90 of our posts are from stepmoms who are struggling. I often ask DH about what gets posted here, and he doesn't identify with hardly any of it.I have a few friends/acquaintances who are closer to their stepdads than their biodads. nbsp;

Society says a Mon should always love and be there for their child. And the whole mother child bond and the biology and hormones behind it. When a Dad is not present it is accepted by society but when a Mom is not present it is not accepted the same. So for a man or woman to try to fit those roles is different. I also think women tend to want to fix things so are more likely to overstep boundries.

Nineoceans · June 2013

fellesferie:
It was really interesting.I would be interested to know why it's so different for stepfathers. I'd estimate 90 of our posts are from stepmoms who are struggling. I often ask DH about what gets posted here, and he doesn't identify with hardly any of it.I have a few friends/acquaintances who are closer to their stepdads than their biodads. nbsp;

Because stepdads essentially live the life of the custodial parent. They don't have to pay child support or deal with watching their spouse in a power struggle because the custodial parent can essentially make the majority of the rules and decisions.

It's extremely painful and more emotionally charged when someone is making decisions about a child you love differently than you would or you feel your spouse is somehow being manipulated or abused

fellesferie · June 2013

Littlejen22:
fellesferie:
It was really interesting.I would be interested to know why it's so different for stepfathers. I'd estimate 90 of our posts are from stepmoms who are struggling. I often ask DH about what gets posted here, and he doesn't identify with hardly any of it.I have a few friends/acquaintances who are closer to their stepdads than their biodads. nbsp;
Society says a Mon should always love and be there for their child. And the whole mother child bond and the biology and hormones behind it. When a Dad is not present it is accepted by society but when a Mom is not present it is not accepted the same. So for a man or woman to try to fit those roles is different. I also think women tend to want to fix things so are more likely to overstep boundries.

So do you think underneath it, a stepmom is judged for being with a man who (people assume) walked away from his kids?

fellesferie · June 2013

Nineoceans:
Because stepdads essentially live the life of the custodial parent.

This does make a big difference in my situation. DH says all the time that he sees DS as a kid, not a stepkid. And that would be a lot harder if we only had EOW.

xmaryrickx · June 2013

I agree with LJ and Nine. I also think that the reason it's so different is the overall Mommy Wars that are oh so common today. Every single thing that women do in regards to children is judged. And hard. Having kids. Not having kids. SAHM vs working mom. What you feed, do you sleep train, how you potty train. Every. Single. Thing. It's ridiculous. And the same thing applies here. I know people disagreed when Twink said that moms don't look at nonmoms differently, but I whole heartedly disagree. I feel judged every time I say no to the inevitable question, do you have children? I get the look of oh poor you. Or the well that explains why you have xyz. If I say I'm exhausted, I get the you have no idea what exhaustion is, you don't have kids. Can I get a big F you? When people find out I have stepchildren they clam up. They don't react the way I would if I said I had bio children. I get the you wouldn't know, you don't have kids, in regards to comments made about kids, hellll I have gotten that on this board. It's absolutely true that women are judged by the status of their uterus.

However, none of the above applies to men. Men don't get asked if they have kids in the first two minutes of conversations, in all environments. They don't get the poor you looks if they say no they don't have kids. They also are less likely to internalize and take personally the actions of everyone around them. Not saying all are like that, but many just don't feel those judgements like women do.

This is such a hot topic for me. I have never wanted biochildren. Never. However, as I stare down the beginning of my mid thirties, surrounded by mothers, I have been made to feel less than. The pitied looks, the snarky must be nice comments, the constant questions about why not, have made me question and feel bad about my choice. And that's total horseshit.

hopanka · June 2013

I think in a lot of instances it is the womans innate need to control things in her household, whereas men tend to be more laid back and are not invested in fighting till the end for every little thing. They dont take everything literally or personally. not everything is a competition dor them, because they are not as emotionally invested in everything that concerns family, children and their daily life. Moms step included tend to be very invested in family life, it is usually their top priority above all else. And since step kids become big game players and also game changers in their family, they want to control how things are run when it comes to step kids. That seems like butting in from bio moms' point of view, and you have conflict. Too many times you hear, how things sort of ran smoothly between divorced parent, until new step mom came into the picture and decided to disturb the equilibrium...whether she thought dad was being taken advantage of, had too little time, paid too much CS...etc. Step dads sort walk in and adapt to their role, without throwing their weight around too much, at least in general.

xmaryrickx · June 2013

MelRC117:
hopanka:
I think in a lot of instances it is the womans innate need to control things in her household, whereas men tend to be more laid back and are not invested in fighting till the end for every little thing. They dont take everything literally or personally. not everything is a competition dor them, because they are not as emotionally invested in everything that concerns family, children and their daily life. Moms step included tend to be very invested in family life, it is usually their top priority above all else. And since step kids become big game players and also game changers in their family, they want to control how things are run when it comes to step kids. That seems like butting in from bio moms' point of view, and you have conflict. Too many times you hear, how things sort of ran smoothly between divorced parent, until new step mom came into the picture and decided to disturb the equilibrium...whether she thought dad was being taken advantage of, had too little time, paid too much CS...etc. Step dads sort walk in and adapt to their role, without throwing their weight around too much, at least in general.
i agree with a lot of this. It pisses me off that BM affects things in OUR household. Her actions, her decisions, affect our house too...in only blended families do you have this kind of issue. We almost didn't get to go on a vacation because BM was on sure if she felt like being a mom or not during that time. So WE have to scramble and potentially have to cancel our first vacation as just a couple because of BM.  So of course that's going to cause problems. 

but what does this have to do with feeling like an outsider in terms of children? To me this is basically a separate issue.

hopanka · June 2013

Mary, it doesnt. I was just commenting on felles's reply and her question, why do stepmoms seems to struggle more. She used her H as an example, who cannot really relate any of the BM SM drama.

twister22 · June 2013

xmaryrickx:
I agree with LJ and Nine. I also think that the reason it's so different is the overall Mommy Wars that are oh so common today. Every single thing that women do in regards to children is judged. And hard. Having kids. Not having kids. SAHM vs working mom. What you feed, do you sleep train, how you potty train. Every. Single. Thing. It's ridiculous. And the same thing applies here. I know people disagreed when Twink said that moms don't look at nonmoms differently, but I whole heartedly disagree. I feel judged every time I say no to the inevitable question, do you have children? I get the look of oh poor you. Or the well that explains why you have xyz. If I say I'm exhausted, I get the you have no idea what exhaustion is, you don't have kids. Can I get a big F you? When people find out I have stepchildren they clam up. They don't react the way I would if I said I had bio children. I get the you wouldn't know, you don't have kids, in regards to comments made about kids, hellll I have gotten that on this board. It's absolutely true that women are judged by the status of their uterus. However, none of the above applies to men. Men don't get asked if they have kids in the first two minutes of conversations, in all environments. They don't get the poor you looks if they say no they don't have kids. They also are less likely to internalize and take personally the actions of everyone around them. Not saying all are like that, but many just don't feel those judgements like women do. This is such a hot topic for me. I have never wanted biochildren. Never. However, as I stare down the beginning of my mid thirties, surrounded by mothers, I have been made to feel less than. The pitied looks, the snarky must be nice comments, the constant questions about why not, have made me question and feel bad about my choice. And that's total horseshit.

I don't think the "pity" for not having children is exclusive to women. I think it applies to men as well, people just don't over step privacy with all the questions to men as much.

SaraSKC · June 2013

I have definitely felt like an outsider as a stepmom. I love my stepson and we have a good relationship, but I'm not his parent like his mom and dad are. DH and I have been married almost 5 years and SS is 13, btw. When SS is with us and he is upset about something he wants his dad, not me. It has always been that way. Even when he wants something or has a question he asks his dad. He only asks me if his dad isn't around. My husband is supportive of me having a good relationship with SS, and we don't have a BAD relationship. But I don't push things. I'm ok with being an outsider in their relationship. Their relationship is the most important thing, and I don't want to be the pushy stepmom who forces her way in.

I am curious about how things will change when our daughter comes in September, though. So far, SS is excited about being a big brother. He did say feeling her kick was creepy though, lol! He had never felt a baby kick before.

twinkl5379 · June 2013

Mary - I definetly relate to your experience as far as the first question out of anyone's mouth is "do you have kids?" And if you say no, or I have step-kids, you can sense their weirdness or disappointment or lack of desire to continue the conversation.

Interesting that you say this is a hot topic for you b/c it has also become one for me, increasingly over the last year. I turned 34 a month ago, and I think that has something to do with it. Plus the fact that I'm dealing with infertility likely makes me even more sensitive. For a while, I've been happy waiting to have a child (and I still am), but turning 34 makes it become more critical.

BTW, I totally respect your decision not to have kids; my best friend/cousin is 38 and also decided against having children. She and I have this conversation a lot. She experiences the same things we're talking about. I also support her decision. A person has to do what's right for them.

And re: this being a non-issue for step-dads, I agree with that and have read that in other books. It's a different experience for them.

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