WWYD: Found out sex by mistake (long)

mollykelley · June 2013

Hi all, I'm posting about this a week after the fact because it has been bothering me for that long. Ever since I knew I wanted a child, I always thought I would be Team Green. This is for several reasons, partly because I think it would be so fun to have it be a surprise, and also I don't want to gender my child before it is even born, and have my family do the same. My wife and I were in total agreement on this, we were both excited to wait and see.

I mentioned in one of my updates last week that my new OB tried to tell me the sex over the phone after a chromosome test that she did as part of the 9 week screening. I had to yell "No! No! No!" over her talking so she wouldn't go ahead and tell me right then and there. I told her I didn't want to know the sex. She seemed shocked and said "Really? You don't want to know? Doesn't your partner want to know?" I told her to please put a note in our file that we do not want to know.

I didn't even know it was possible to find out that early so I wasn't prepared that I would get that information so soon. And why would she think I would want to find out like that, over the phone without my wife there, even if I did want to know? I looked up this chromosome test thing and if the see a "Y" this early then they know it is a boy. If they don't see a "Y" it could be a girl, or it is still show up later. With the determination and excitement in her voice, I know she say it is a boy.

When we went in for a quick check up last Friday, and the doc came in for ultrasound and said "your little boy" in reference to our baby twice, then saw my face and said... "or girl...." I felt excited at first, of course knowing what it is, but then disappointed that we didn't have the surprise I had been looking forward to.

When we got to the car, I started crying and said, "She ruined the biggest surprise of our lives!" My wife hugged me and said, "Oh honey, a baby is going to pop out of your V and that is going to be the biggest surprise of our lives!!!" It made me laugh and I tried to forget about the whole thing, but I'm still disappointed that I know so soon.

My wife still says we don't "know" for sure because we did not get it confirmed by ultrasound, and we can still keep it as a secret/surprise. I don't want to be the smug pregnant lady (what's the sex? Oh, we know but we're not telling...) But I don't want people people knowing the sex and telling me during my pregnancy boys are like this or that.

My wife reassures me with, "the baby is going to be who the baby is going to be no matter what" and "the baby is going to have society's idea of gender on it eventually" and "the baby is going to have an unconventional view of gender because it will have two mommies". She is okay with us remaining somewhat in the dark or confirming the sex at this point.

What would you do? Would you find out the sex for sure if you thought you knew? Would you tell people or should I just continuing telling people we are not finding out (which was my plan all along)? I know that the average person doesn't really care, they say "Oh you're pregnant" and "what is it?" in the same breath out of habit, not because they really care. I'm thinking mostly of my family and K's dad who has been ill with cancer and we hope will be able meet the baby. He has been calling it is "grandson" since week 6 because that is obviously what he is hoping for.

I am so very grateful to be pregnant and have a healthy baby, I realize this is not actually a problem. I just don't know how I feel about the sex thing. Probably underlying it all is a genuine fear of having a boy because I know absolutely NOTHING about boys.

Thanks for reading this LONG post!

firstcomeslove2013 · June 2013

Oh MK! I am so sorry! I know this was a big deal for you...and it sounds like your doctor wasn't very supportive of this.

I think that you need to do what feels right to you and your wife. Now that you know what you know, you guys need to sit down and reevaluate. I feel like if you still want to keep it a secret I think that is still fine to do but I also think it's okay find out now that you've had a "sneak peek".

Sorry...I don't think this helped...lots of luck and keep us posted!!!

Jazibel · June 2013

MollyKelley that sounds so disappointing. Sad I'm sorry to hear that your wishes weren't respected and that you and your wife lost the ultimate surprise. It's hard to know what to do especially when confronted with the pressure of curious family and friends. However since you aren't quite 100% sure you could still say you don't know for sure??.

I talked openly with friends/family that I didn't want the "I hope you and EV are ready to throw the 'pig skin' around" type of comments when we announced K was a boy. And with the exception of a few slip ups (mostly by my mom) most people kept their gender related comments and advice to themselves.

I think your wife had some great advice too - that when your little baby is born THAT will be the biggest most amazing surprise.

2MamazInSeattle · June 2013

Oh MK! What a huge bummer this happened. I am so sorry you won't get to find out the gender the way you wanted to! Another woman over on IF had this happen recently, and she said "this was the one part of this whole journey I felt we actually had some control of...and they took that away." I'm guessing that has something to do with how you are feeling. So here are some thoughts...

I had envisioned being Team Green my whole life, but J was not having it. Our midwife did a much better job than yours explaining the cell-free DNA test (we did Verifi) and told us that one of the 4 major trisomies they test for included Turner's Syndrome, which is an extra "X" chromosome, so they identify the gender as part of that test to ensure you don't have the extra or missing X. Because we used a young donor egg, I was fine to skip the test!! J however wanted to know the gender so we went ahead, with the bonus of knowing we didn't have those trisomies (even though that really should be the more important part!).

That all said - now that you are in this place of "kind of knowing." I'll give my opinion and say to just find out for sure and let people be happy for your little boy (or girl).

We found out ours was a boy. And no one made stupid comments to us at all about it - not a one - everyone was just excited and happy for us! It seemed to really allow the people we love to connect to our little being more than when it was just an 'it' to them - and while this baby was "our" baby - it does take a village - and our village was thrilled to envision our little dude. It let the grandmas get excited and yes, sure, the co-workers who had sons were extra excited, and people said "oh, boys are easier than girls..." stuff like that - but harmless, and just them trying to connect and be a part of your great news. But no one really was instantly genderizing our baby, or talking about sports or dude-things.

The other unexpected thing that happened was that I was disappointed. I said all along "I don't care if it's a boy or girl" - well, turns out I did. I arranged our little at-home reveal with just me and J, and when it was black converse sneakers in the little box and not pink, I was bummed! I didn't want to be bummed though. I felt like a horrible mother. But like it or not, it turned out I had feelings to process and knowing before he came out of me in the delivery room was better - and I'd say it took a couple of weeks to 'let go' of the little girl I'd envisioned and solely embrace the little boy I'd envisioned. I realized until we knew, I almost felt pregnant with boy/girl twins because I'd created two versions of my baby in my mind! I had to watch the little girl fade away...and it was harder than I expected. Anyhow, this was a side effect of finding out - not a reason.

I hope you don't mind my thoughts, I was going to write "just do what's right for you guys!" but since you were asking, these are just my thoughts based on our experience and the reactions we got.

I don't want to minimize that it sucks this news got taken away from you, but since it did, and you can't change that, I hope you can make peace and move forward with ease. All the stuff your wife said is spot on - but I get that it doesn't take away the loss of your surprise and I'm sorry that happened, truly.

mollykelley · June 2013

Thank you, ladies, for your thoughtful responses! I really appreciate you taking the time to read and share with me.

2mamaz, I especially resonated with what you wrote about your own experience. Maybe it is partially about my hopes for having a girl. I really thought I would be better "not knowing" for the entire pregnancy, and that when I meet the baby I will see it as this amazing little human and not think about what I had wished for. Thank you for helping me to see that. You have a way of writing that really brings out my own emotions, and this was true when I read your sad yet beautiful posts about loss...

I have some things to think about and maybe to work on some acceptance. The whole not being in control of information, like in the crazy TTC process, is definitely something that got to me as well. Like the woman on IF board said, I wanted this to be my choice to find out.

Thanks again for listening!

2MamazInSeattle · June 2013

mollykelley:
Thank you, ladies, for your thoughtful responses! I really appreciate you taking the time to read and share with me.
2mamaz, I especially resonated with what you wrote about your own experience. Maybe it is partially about my hopes for having a girl. I really thought I would be better "not knowing" for the entire pregnancy, and that when I meet the baby I will see it as this amazing little human and not think about what I had wished for. Thank you for helping me to see that. You have a way of writing that really brings out my own emotions, and this was true when I read your sad yet beautiful posts about loss...
I have some things to think about and maybe to work on some acceptance. The whole not being in control of information, like in the crazy TTC process, is definitely something that got to me as well. Like the woman on IF board said, I wanted this to be my choice to find out.
Thanks again for listening!

Glad I could help out a little - I'd just say that, really - this was a loss. You lost a moment you wanted, and it's not fair and it was not your choice. I think it's fair to need some time to process and accept that, and, know that any loss typically causes a little re-surface of other losses/injustices/etc. - so give yourself the time you need.

That little bugger in your belly is a lucky one - to have a thoughtful set of moms who aren't afraid to express and process their real feelings. Good on ya MK!

candimc26 · June 2013

We wanted to know, and found out we were having a girl. She had eight- EIGHT!- tutus before she was even born (gifts, not from us!). It was insane. We have raised her to be as neutral as possible, but one day- Bam!- I found her in the Barbie aisle at Target. Hmph.

We have our ideals for our children, and then our children happen and plans change. That said, I'm sorry that your health care providers weren't more sensitive to this! I think this is def a topic in queer health care that providers should be careful about... obviously we don't care to conform to typical roles, and that includes genderizing our fetus. Hope that makes sense... I had a margarita tonight, possibly my last for awhile (let's hope) so my thoughts ramble!

mollykelley · June 2013

candimc26:
We wanted to know, and found out we were having a girl. She had eight- EIGHT!- tutus before she was even born (gifts, not from us!). It was insane. We have raised her to be as neutral as possible, but one day- Bam!- I found her in the Barbie aisle at Target. Hmph.
We have our ideals for our children, and then our children happen and plans change. That said, I'm sorry that your health care providers weren't more sensitive to this! I think this is def a topic in queer health care that providers should be careful about... obviously we don't care to conform to typical roles, and that includes genderizing our fetus. Hope that makes sense... I had a margarita tonight, possibly my last for awhile (let's hope) so my thoughts ramble!

I totally get this, candimc! Thanks! ;-)

Manada · June 2013

Oh MK! I am so sorry that happened to you that way!

But congrats again on a healthy growing baby!

If you have the energy it may be nice to spend some time writing down why you and K wanted to keep the sex of your baby unknown, and what it was like to have the medical staff you interact with assume you wanted to know.... And maybe use that to provide feedback on your care later on.....

I spend some time with a group of parents of gendernon conforming kids every now and then through some work I do. They often spend time talking with medical staff about assumptions around sex an gender and how parents interact with those concepts. Perhaps sharing those thoughts with care providers about your experience will end up being a small bit of activism for those parents and children who are working to make assumptions about sex and gender less harmful to them in their lives.

clairmeij · June 2013

That truly sucks! I am so sorry that that happened! I wanted to be team green too. I was fine with it when my partner decided that she could bond more with the baby if she knew the sex, but having a doctor/medical person decide that for me would have really annoyed me.

I don't have any good ideas or answers, just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you weren't able to have your wish of the birth surprise. I truly get that.

KH826 · June 2013

I am really sorry to hear that this happened! Previous posters are so right that this is in a way a loss for you guys, b/c a very special moment that you had been protecting and looking forward to has been taken from you. The way you find out the sex of your child should be your choice and not the choice of your healthcare provider. There really is not too much more to say about it other than it just totally sucks...

With that being said, hopefully in the end, once you have had some time to process, this will just be another step in your journey and you will not feel like it took anything away from your pregnancy our your birthing experience in the long run. As long as you have a happy, healthy baby in your arms at the end of the day, that is what truly matters. I know, easy for me to say... and not in any way trying to deminish the crappy circumstance... just trying to shed some positive light and be supportive.

mollykelley · June 2013

Thank you, all, for your responses. I'm still sitting on all of this and praying for the right answer to come. Mostly I'm counting my blessings that I am where I am and that I have such a loving wife and we are starting a family. That is most important!

mwagner25 · June 2013

Ugh, what a bummer that it happened this way. That sucks. I am sure that in time you will find your silver lining from this whole debacle.

only1leia · June 2013

DP and I don't want to find out the sex either, but before we went into our 20-week ultrasound we decided that if someone slipped and told us what we were having, we would still keep it a secret between us because we didn't want to end up with a bunch of pink or what have you. I guess if that happened to me, I would find out (with my partner) to be sure, but still not tell anyone. Part of me wants to know only so I can refer to baby by his or her name, or use he/she because it gets kind of tiring to always say 'baby'.

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