Half Open - Half Closed Adoption....Anyone else?

swanck · June 2013

Hey y'all.

It's been a while.

But I am charting new waters these days - and wanting to see if anyone else could share their experience.

We have a very successful adoption story.

The birth-mom and family have a very open relationship with us. We're FB friends, text regularly, and visit about 4 times a year. They have a really healthy understanding of adoption and the relationship is good.

But birth-dad doesn't want contact. (They are not together.)

He was 17 at the time of birth. Didn't tell his family. He said he wanted updates from us via email from time to time, but has never responded to any of our attempts to contact him.

He told his family around our son's first birthday - and we got an email from birth great-grandma. The family would like contact and updates, but the BD doesn't seem to want them.

We initially told the family that we wouldn't be in touch without BD's consent. Meaning, if it was too hard for him to hear from us, we didn't want to update the family only for them to wave it in his face.

So all this to ask....does anyone have something similar?

Part of why we did open adoption was for the health of having an established relationship with birth family. But right now - any positive steps with BM seem to be negated by lack of contact with BD.

I'm probably not making sense now.

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.

TIA.

swanck · June 2013

No - I'm not sure if they would or wouldn't.

More concerned that they wouldn't be sensitive to him.

It is an interesting feeling for me that one parents appreciates being part of his life - and the other doesn't want it. And although I get it - it hurts to think that it will hurt H later.

I just emailed birth-great-grandma. Asking if she's talked about it more with BD - if she knows where he stands - since he hasn't contacted us directly.

I'm hoping to get some clarity. But I anticipate that he will always want to leave this part of his history behind.

That just kinda hurts.

And all the more reason to establish a relationship with his extended family I suppose.

arbutusbride · June 2013

Tough situation. I understand wanting your child to know both sides of his family because in the long run it is better for him. However I think that you are taking the right steps by limiting contact with BF's family.

There must be a reason why he doesn't want to be in the child's life and he may never say why. I like that you told them you don't want to proceed without his consent. (Maybe they are wacko's in disguise?) I think that it is respecting the BF's wishes to keep out of the child's life even though it would be better for the child if he was involved. If he wants more information, he could always say so.

MagickalNarwhal · June 2013

First, the openness and contact that you have with your kids birthmom is NOT negated by anything that has to do with birthdad. They are separate (though related) relationships. If anything, I would look at it the opposite way: that your relationship with your son's birthmom softens that harshness that you may not have contact with his birth dad.

I also probably would not try and put him in the middle of your relationship with the extended family unless it's totally necessary. In your position, I would have sent birthdad a message saying, "hey we would like to reach out to your extended family but wanted to check in with you first. If you would prefer that we not do this, please let us know by XXX date." I believe that you [and your son's] relationship with birthdad's extended family is again separate from (though related to) the relationship with birth dad. Unless there is a very good reason, I would want to maintain contact with birthdad's extended family ESPECIALLY if it seems that there may not be a relationship with birthdad. I would also let birth dad be responsible for his relationship with his family and vice versa - don't put yourself in the middle trying to guess what he does or doesn't want. I would totally want to keep him in the loop but I would not spend too much energy trying to figure out what your role is in his family dynamic.

Also, your son is not just birthdad's birthson, he's also birth-grandson of the birth-grandparents etc etc etc (ha wow that sounds so confusing) and I do think that those relationships can be nurtured without birthdad, especially if they seem eager to do so.

Sounds complex for sure. We have not reached out to my son's birthdads family and I would really like to, but we also have a close relationship with him and are giving him time and space to hopefully facilitate that himself in the future.

MagickalNarwhal · June 2013

Also, I would absolutely not make the assumption that you will NEVER have a relationship with him, or spend time now worrying what kind on an impact this miht have on your son. Obviously that may be an issue down the road and you can address it as it comes up, but the reality is that your son is likely to have a whole host of complex feelings about adoption as he grows up, no matter what, and you are going to have to help him navigate that. Sometimes I think it's easy to fall into this trap of feeling like open adoption takes the grief out of adoption, or it someone precludes those sort of dark or complex emotions that we all want to shied our kids from. And of course I think we know from research and listening to adult adoptees that it helps, but it's not a fix-all, you know?

You sound like you are very conscientious of your son's experience with adoption and are doing everything you can to help it be positive and do everything right. Take these things as they come up and don't look to far down the road because things can and do change, esp something like an open adoption relationship, and birthdad may very well come back into your son's life in some capacity in the future. And if not, you can take that as it comes.

swanck · June 2013

Thanks for your responses.

It IS so complex. And for every thought I seem to have the opposite one too.

When we've reached out to BD - he has not responded in any capacity.

I've asked him directly if it's okay to have contact with his family - and he's not acknowledged our contact at all.

It's hard to know if he's getting the updates, appreciating them, and just not wanting to respond - or if he doesn't want to be getting them at all.

I've talked to our caseworker about it - and she encouraged me to contact the extended family. Telling them that we want to be respectful of him, but also trying to find out if they know more of what he's feeling.

So I've emailed the BGGma and have asked what she knows - and will go from there.

And you're right - one relationship doesn't negate the other. It's certainly better to have one open relationship than none.

I just wish there was a way to spare him any pain from what it will mean to be adopted.

I suppose we all do the best we can.

Thanks for your thoughts!

orangecupcake · June 2013

We have a semi-open relationship with BM, and a completely closed relationship with BF, per everyone's preference. BF committed a crime, and might not even know of DD's existence, which is a-ok by me. My only concern with our situation is what to tell DD when she starts asking...

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