I am selfish NBFR

ambrvan · May 2013

A friend of mine is getting married tomorrow, and I am going out of town for the wedding. DH has known about this wedding and the date for almost to a year, and until night before last, he never said anything about not going. He knew I RSVPed for all four of us to attend as a family. But two nights ago when I was telling my grandmother we were coming to stay for the weekend because of the wedding, he pipes up that SD has a birthday party to go to and so they can't go.

I am really very upset. When MIL, not us, got the invitation for this party, I said we had plans for that date and would be out of town and he agreed. MIL had invited these people to SD's birthday on her own, since she took over SD's party and sent out invitations on her own after we had already begun planning SD's birthday party. So anyway, DH says that since they came to SD's party, he feels obliged to make sure she goes to her party. I reminded him that this couple came to our wedding, and he says that I am going so that solves that. But I overheard him telling someone else that ue just doesn't want to go to Memphis. He hates going there. He hates that I am from there and my family and friends live there. So he more often than not comes up with an excuse to not go when I go, which is only about four times a year. I feel really hurt by this.

I really wanted to show off my family, you know? I know it sounds shallow. Sorry.

But he said he would love to keeo the kids all weekend and let me have some time to do my own thing. The trouble is, I don't even know what my thing is without a kid or DH around anymore. I am home ALL the time with ot without them. I can hardly function without one of them around. It sounds really pathetic.

The other issue I am having right now is a little jealousy. The bride and all the bridesmaids are my old roommates and used to be some of my best friends. I obviously started a family earlier thanto most and my priorities changed. Whi wants to hang out with the married chick with two kids? We always stayed in touch, but it was never the same. I introduced the bride and groom and hooked up their first date. But now I am so far out of the loop that I am the only one of the group who is not party of the wedding party. Gosh, this sounds so selfish and pathetic as I am typing it. But it's how I feel. I see all their posts on Facebook about getting ready for the wedding, the bachelorette party, etc and I see what I am missing.

Don't get me wrong. I love what I have. I love where my life is going. But it hurts sometimes to see the people that I cut out and left behind for this life. I had to make certain choices because certain aspects of the two lifestyles just did not coexist very well. And I feel like a terrible, HORRIBLE person for owning up to all this. But it's the truth.

Just had to get it off my chest. Thanks everyone.

fellesferie · May 2013

Why does YH put a perceived obligation to SD's friend's parents over an obligation to you? I'd call him out on a) lying either to you or whomever you overheard him talking to, and b) being an infant and doing something he said he would.

If he wants to talk breaches of etiquette, I think it's not okay to RSVP for 4 and only show up with 1.

xmaryrickx · May 2013

You are not pathetic or selfish. I would say more than not, everyone has had situations like that at some point or another. For me it was when my bestie got married and chose another friend to be maid of honor. It hurt. A lot. I still think about it now and then. It's totally ok to be hurt by that.

Your H is being an ahole. Being married sometimes means having to suck it up and go places you don't want to go, or be around people you don't want to be around. That's life. He let you down. Again, bc this is not the first time he has backed out of going to see your family and friends. If anyone is selfish here, he is. Not only did he let you down, he is being completely rudely not attending an event that he via you rsvp'd yes to attend seeing as they have likely already paid for him.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I want to punch him for you.

Littlejen22 · May 2013

I will be blunt but it has been a while since you have posted anything that did not make your DH look like a complete . You are never his priority. I do not know what to say but I would be livid that he agreed and waited until two days before to back out. And I would be so upset that he is bad mouthing behind your back. It was not long ago that he said he wanted a divorce. Has he made an effort or are you the only one compromising?

hindsight's_a_biotch · May 2013

It's not selfish. Your husband is being a diik in a box. Obligated to go to some random child's birthday party just because they came to hers? No. At most, you send a present to the birthday girl on some other date.

You are going to the wedding without that man? Are you not? I can totally see your side and I'd be pisssssssssssssssssssssst, let me tell you.

hindsight's_a_biotch · May 2013

Also, let's be plain here. Dude doesn't feel obligated to take SD to this birthday party. He just doesn't want to go to the wedding and is flat out lying to you. He may as well have said he can't go because he's washing his hair or straightening the electronic cords.

twister22 · May 2013

You're allowed to be upset, and I understand all of your hurts & frustrations. And your husband is being a d!ck. And RSVPing for 4 and then showing up with only 1 (or even 3) is really crappy. That's a meal & seat that they paid for. Weddings trumps a child's bday party, that's just bologna.

ambrvan · May 2013

Well, I appreciate all your answers. It kind of validates my feelings a little. And I did let them know yesterday that it would just be me, but I know that is still probably too late. I feel like this makes me look flaky, too.

I am going to go by myself and spend the weekend alone. I am also going to meet up with my best friend, different circle, and have lunch before I come back Sunday. I am going to try to have some fun. But I am already feeling a bit embarrassed to be married and not have a 'date.' KWIM? I'll have to make up some BS to everyone who asks about why he didn't come with me.

And Littlejen, he has made some progress in areas, but this is not one of them obviously. And unfortunately for me, making family and us as a couple a priority is a huge thing for me. I am not content to just live with someone, if that makes sense. So I don't really know how to respond to your question. Or maybe I do and just don't want to. Either way, that's honestly just something I am not going to deal with right now.

CurlyQ284 · May 2013

Littlejen22:
I will be blunt but it has been a while since you have posted anything that did not make your DH look like a complete . You are never his priority. I do not know what to say but I would be livid that he agreed and waited until two days before to back out. And I would be so upset that he is bad mouthing behind your back. It was not long ago that he said he wanted a divorce. Has he made an effort or are you the only one compromising?

I think this about sums it up. You deserve better than this!

SimpleJane · May 2013

Look, I can only comment based on what you post here and I obviously don't know your whole life and relationship, but from what I can tell YH doesn't give a fluck what you feel or what you want. He cares what he wants and what his mother wants, and that is what he caters too.

You bend over backwards for your family, to make him happy, to do what's best for SD, to keep the peace with MIL. Who is doing anything for you?

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