Question on telling waiting to adopt — The Bump
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Question on telling waiting to adopt

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Hi, I hope it is OK to post here. I am not waiting to adopt but I have a good friend who is waiting to adopt a girl from China. They have been waiting a while.  I hope you can give me some advice.

I am pregnant and planning on announcing my pregnancy this week. I dealt with 2 years of IF and know from that experience hearing other people news can sting.  For that reason friends of mine who have IF I will reach out to personally with my news.  I'm wondering if I should do the same for my waiting to adopt friend.  (Short backstory I don't know if she struggled with IF, she is super private on these matters). I know it is hard for her waiting and wondering when/if her little girl is coming.  

I don't want my news to cause anyone pain.  Should i send her a personal note or not? if it would be weird or hurt her worse I wont. 

 Thanks for the guidance.   





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Re: Question on telling waiting to adopt

  • Siggies aren't a problem. And you're a nice friend for thinking of her, but don't overthink it either. People deal with uncomfortable situations all the time, being sensitive without walking on eggshells is probably your best approach.

    I think it would be best to just call or e-mail her to let her know. That way she can process any grief or anxiety she has and can respond how and when she wants.

    She may surprise you. I think most of my friends over the years were a little afraid to tell me, and were pleasantly surprised when I was as excited as they were :)

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  • I think that's very considerate of you, and I'm sure she will be happy for you.  I am also waiting on an adoption from China and we have years to go.  I have struggled with IF for almost 6 years now, and it is certainly a reminder when someone else is blessed with a pregnancy.  I would suggest sending her something in writing rather than announcing in person, then if she does need time to deal with emotions, she can react in private and reach out in her own time.  

    Continue to be excited for her journey, and don't assume she doesn't want to hear about yours.  Maybe when you have chats with her through your 9 months, if it is possible to focus on motherhood and not so much the pregnancy part, she might feel easier about it.

    TTC for 5 years, with 2 failed IUIs. Excited to grow our family through international adoption!
    Lilypie Waiting to Adopt tickers

    Be JOYFUL in HOPE, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ~Romans 12:12
  • I think that you are a really compassionate friend to worry about telling her your happy news.  I think that each person deals with this type of stuff differently.  I would be considerate but don't overthink it either.  I would call her and tell her personally and see how she reacts.  People were very cautious and almost afraid of telling me about their pregnancies because they didn't want to hurt me, but I wasn't hurt, I was terribly excited for them.  Of course it may sting a little, but life hands you disappointments all the time and you have to deal with them.  I would go with your gut and just be sensitive, but not telling her may cause more hurt feelings.

     

  • Hearing of other people's pregnancies still hurts for me, but I'd rather have them tell me just like they tell others.  I don't want people to not tell us because they are worried about how it will affect us.  You're not going to get any less pregnant and the longer you wait to tell a good friend, the more awkward it could be.  Just my opinion.

     

    http://weareuntilforever.blogspot.com

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    Lilypie Waiting to Adopt tickers

  • Definitely send her a note to tell her, or even take her to lunch. My sister in law told me in front of a bunch of people, it was horrible timing and I cried for days. I often wished she would have just told me in private when we were at dinner a few days before. 
    Domestic Adoption-Activated January 29th, 2013. Trying to be patient. The journey: http://perpetuallyupsidedown.tumblr.com/
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