Baby's father is kind of an ogre

opheliacdream · May 2013

Hi, I'm new here. I'm currently 15w 1d. I'm just having a hard time dealing with the fact that that my boyfriend really doesn't want to be involved with this pregnancy it's baby 1 for both of us. He doesn't want to go to any of the OB appointments, he hardly ever wants to talk about the baby... Today he finally went to a doctor visit with me and said it was a waste of his time because it was just measuring and listening to the heart beat. This was his first time hearing it and he acted like it was just an inconvenience. I'm so hurt. He's so caring and supportive in everything else, but he can't seem to understand why him going to these things with me is important to me... I'm just depressed and hurt. How can I get him to get on board with being part of this magical experience?

lucianneD · May 2013

If he is wonderful in other ways maybe he is just really nervous and scared?

opheliacdream · May 2013

That's what I'm thinking but it hurts regardless and he really seems to not understand why it would upset me...

chelseyestelle · May 2013

I've heard that a woman becomes a mother when she gets the positive pregnancy test. A man becomes a father when the baby is born. It's probably just hard for him to understand because he's not "really" the one living it. Just give it time.

lucianneD · May 2013

I would be hurt too, and it even if he understands he may be too proud to admit this. Have you sit down and had a serious talk about this....one where you really let him know how hurt you are and why?

olga1311 · May 2013

If he is awesome in everything else, maybe just tell him that you understand if he doesn't feel as connected to the baby as you do, but you are so excited and hope to see a little more excitement from him?

Maybe he just doesn't know how to show it or that you need him to show it.

I totally understand why you upset about this though. It hurts, but as you belly grows, and he can feel the kicks maybe it'll feel more "real" to him and I am sure he'll be over the moon once the baby is here.

WashingtonQueen · May 2013

chelseyestelle:
I've heard that a woman becomes a mother when she gets the positive pregnancy test. A man becomes a father when the baby is born. It's probably just hard for him to understand because he's not "really" the one living it. Just give it time.

This is what I was going to say.

katiebenes · May 2013

hey! Shrek was an awesome dude... don't use ogre. (sorry, had to)

Anyways: men react to pregnancy different than women in general. And some men may get involved, for other men its not real until the baby is born.

Unfortunately, its not something you'll easily change and from the sounds of it: it might hurt you more to try and change his views than to just accept that he doesn't get it right now.

BabyCampbell312 · May 2013

chelseyestelle:
I've heard that a woman becomes a mother when she gets the positive pregnancy test. A man becomes a father when the baby is born. It's probably just hard for him to understand because he's not "really" the one living it. Just give it time.

This.

My husband didn't seem very involved with our first pregnancy. It was irritating to me. By the end of the pregnancy, I was so over these short 5 minute doctors appointments that I was glad I didn't drag him along. The important thing is, is he going to be there for the delivery, for your childs life?

opheliacdream · May 2013

He is going to be there for the delivery, the one thing he has had any excitement over is the decision we made to not find out gender until the birth. I think what made the situation a little more upsetting to me is my two closest friends keeps bringing up how their husbands were at every appointment and involved in every single little moment during their pregnancy. I suppose I kinda of had my own little fantasy in my mind about how pregnancy would be and real life is just completely left field from what I had imagined

RoseMomma33 · May 2013

Talk to him about it, explain you wish he would be more involved. We are all different, and react to things differently, but he is pregnant too, it's his baby too. I don't believe in letting your partner getting away with things that upset you.

maybe it's a great time for you to reflect, what kind of man he is, and what kind of father he will be. Being pregnant is one of the if not the most important experience of a woman's life, and it's natural you are upset he isn't involved.

Talk to him, and try to find balance, he doesn't have to be all over you, but he should be there when you need him...

having a baby is a life changing experience, and it's up to us to make the best of it...good luck and hope things get brighter for you.

PrimRoseMama · May 2013

You can't force it. He will come around in his own time.

VCK · May 2013

PrimRoseMama:
You can't force it. He will come around in his own time.

I was gonna write this same thing....and to add to it, I don't even invite my husband to basic monthly checkups. Truthfully, he is way too busy and we don't see the point. Ease up on the poor guy a little bit.

NL105 · May 2013

melisx33:
WashingtonQueen:
chelseyestelle:
I've heard that a woman becomes a mother when she gets the positive pregnancy test. A man becomes a father when the baby is born. It's probably just hard for him to understand because he's not "really" the one living it. Just give it time.
This is what I was going to say.
So because the father can't physically feel the baby he's not a father yet? I'm sorry, I've heard quote before and I really can't stand it. It gives the father a poor excuse for not being supportive. He made the baby too. My H and I would be having huge problems if he wasn't on board with me by now.
Have you tried talking to him about how he feels about everything? Was it an unexpected pregnancy? He should be just as on board as you, especially at this point. I can see the shock value at first, but if it's continuing and you're in the 2nd trimester, you need to get to the bottom of it.

I agree...

OP, he told you that hearing his baby's heartbeat, for the first time, was a waste of his time? You're in second tri now and it's about time he got serious about the baby he helped make. I can understand him being disconnected for the first couple months, maybe he is/was scared, nervous, uncertain of what the future will hold- but you're in this together regardless. I don't think you should hold on to any preconceived notions of how your pregnancy will go, as it's different for everyone, but I'd be pretty angry and hurt if my SO acted like that 15 weeks into the pregnancy. You mentioned that he's caring and supportive in all other regards, so maybe all he needs is to just snap out of this mood he's in. I know it may not be that easy and he's allowed to have his own feelings, but it's time for him to stop sulking over the pregnancy. You should definitely try sitting him down and having a long, serious discussion with him about why he feels the way he does still.

ETA: I agree with below poster that there's no need to drag him to every single appt- DH only cares to go to the ones that will include an u/s. My regular appts only last 10 minutes and I wouldn't make DH go to those anyways.

kje120 · May 2013

If he's great about everything else I wouldn't get that upset about him not wanting to go to all the boring appts. I have never made my husband go to any appts that don't involve an u/s.

rbtrumpet · May 2013

chelseyestelle:
I've heard that a woman becomes a mother when she gets the positive pregnancy test. A man becomes a father when the baby is born. It's probably just hard for him to understand because he's not "really" the one living it. Just give it time.

I was going to say this too.

MANY men do not really "get into it" until baby is actually born. If he's willing to stay with you, to raise baby with you, then you have a good man.

My husband is super excited about becoming a father, but he still has not come to any dr appointments with me. He wants to save his PTO for after baby comes, and I realize they're really not that exciting. He is coming to the a/s with me at 19 weeks, but that's probably it.

mben1119 · May 2013

How old is he? Was he ready for this pregnancy? Sounds like its just a little overwhelming for him.

burmann · May 2013

My husband was stressed about money more than he ever told me. Luckily he got a raise at work and started acting more excited. It was then that he admit to me how worried about he had been about the money. I wish I had asked earlier. I had already assumed that he was not happy to have a baby.

Men have stress about being the "provider" and I think its their natural instinct to worry if they don't feel like they are adequate to do so. Not sure what your situation is, but maybe its something like that.

blondii428 · May 2013

Have you talked to him about this? It sounds like one of two things, either he is stressed or worried or it just hasn't hit him yet. I've heard its harder for men to grow those emotions while the baby is still hidden in your belly, hopefully he will change after LO has arrived. Either way, I would definitely try to talk to him because that's the only way your mind can be put at ease.

kimbo1216 · May 2013

Maybe pic and choose your battles. For instance, don't worry about him coming to every appointment. Just have him come to the big ones like sonograms and stuff.

Can you feel movement yet? Maybe when it an be felt from the outside, he will get more into it.

In general, I'd just express your feelings as calmly as possible but be patient with him at the same time.

CoIvie · May 2013

WashingtonQueen:
chelseyestelle:
I've heard that a woman becomes a mother when she gets the positive pregnancy test. A man becomes a father when the baby is born. It's probably just hard for him to understand because he's not "really" the one living it. Just give it time.
This is what I was going to say.

smh. Same thing I've heard

Liz4444 · May 2013

opheliacdream:
He is going to be there for the delivery, the one thing he has had any excitement over is the decision we made to not find out gender until the birth. I think what made the situation a little more upsetting to me is my two closest friends keeps bringing up how their husbands were at every appointment and involved in every single little moment during their pregnancy. I suppose I kinda of had my own little fantasy in my mind about how pregnancy would be and real life is just completely left field from what I had imagined

Him not being there every month to watch you pee in a cup and get weighed doesn't make him an ogre. I will also guarantee you that your friends are embellishing their husbands roles in their pregnancies. When most people look back on big events in their lives, they build up the good and try to forget the not so great. I'm sure there are plenty of things their husbands did where they wanted to throttle them that they aren't sharing with you. Ask them about labor, 10 bucks says they aren't honest about the messy and painful parts.

Real life is never the fantasy you picture in your mind, sorry, that's just life.

Mrs. Mo · May 2013

FWIW: DH has never gone to one of my normal OB appts (either time around), only the ultrasounds. Why have him take time off of work for a quick appt where they just measure you & listen to the hb?? Also, with DD we had been trying for years, so it wasn't a matter of him not being excited. Those basic OB appts are boring and definitely could be considered a "waste of time" for someone who is just standing there. I know that they are needed but even I feel like they are a waste sometimes. So, I wouldn't be mad at DH for thinking the same.

Want a personalized experience?

Baby's father is kind of an ogre

Re: Baby's father is kind of an ogre

LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:

Choose Another Board

Search Boards