TTC Before Deployment?

MrsExton122912 · May 2013

My husband and I have been together for 2 years and married for 6 months and we've just started trying to conceive.nbsp;nbsp;I know we're both on the same page with it and are really excited to become parents; the only down side is that he will be deploying soon and we know there is a possibility that I could give birth without him being here. It's something that we are willing to be strong through, but I have to admit it will be a little heartbreaking for me. Any advice on how to handle it?

Edited by mod. Please don't post specific dates or months of deployments.

shill0810 · May 2013

I went through my hubby not being there, not due to deployment, but due to A school. The best advise I can give is if you don't think you can handle it, honestly, wait until after he gets back to try again. If you are really wanting to go through with it then having family around is the way I made it through. If it weren't for my mom and step-dad being there the whole time I think I would have lost my mind. I cried and was upset that my hubby wasn't there, but I'm one of those people that sucks it up and keeps going no matter the situation.

Hopefully you can figure out what will work best for you.

Carnation77 · May 2013

Pregnancy can be really difficult and it's good to have your hubby there for support. If there's any way to wait for a better time then I recommend doing it.

HisChamaoleGirl · May 2013

Also keep in mind that while you are planning to get pregnant, it doesn't mean it will be that easy. It takes the average couple under 35 a year (or 12 cycles depending on your body). I'm just thinking its a lot of pressure to put on your spouse and you before a deployment and you could be setting yourself up for disappointment.

plumpoppies · May 2013

On the flip side (because undoubtedly it wouldn't be easy to have a baby sans hubby) trying to get pregnant directly before a deployment and then not managing to get pregnant is bad too. My DH and I tried to get pregnant from December- till a deployment in July (this was years ago) and we didn't. Shipping him off to war and not getting pregnant was like an extra gut punch. (We had fertility issues but even if you don't like pp said it can take a normal healthy couple up to 12 cycles to conceive!)

GL to you and your H with whatever you decide!

divinemsbee · May 2013

My 2 cents: If you were already trying for a few months, I'd probably say to just keep going. But if he leaves that soon, you're looking at 2, maaaybe the start of 3 cycles, which, if things don't happen right away is likely to make him leaving even more sad. And, for me, hitting my second and third cycles with a BFN, even though I know all the stats, were pretty rough for a few days. To me, that's sort of when the bloom of excitement came off of the rose of TTC. Even knowing that it's perfectly normal doesn't necessarily make it easy, funnily enough the month 4 and 5 BFNs were pretty easy. H and I are on the end of our 7th cycle trying now, and we've kept going knowing that his deployment cycle will come up this coming winter, he's AF, so there's a six month period during which he could deploy, and it would be a 4 or 6 month deployment. So, if we're lucky soon, it's possible he misses the end of pregnancy, birth, first months, or all of the above. After 7 months of trying, we've had several talks and it's worth it to us. He has a fabulous squad and I know I'll have support even though our families are far away.

Oasismomma · May 2013

Hire a doula and keep your husband involved in as much as you can (Skype at OB appointments if you can, etc).

natalie202 · May 2013

Hmm, a lot of people seem to be anti TTC just before deployment. I can understand their reasons... but I have to say I have done it and it worked well for us. I think it also depends on what you anticipate happening on the other side of the deployment. My DH is in a job with frequent deployments, so aiming for being pregnant during deployment was also aiming for him being home for as much of the LOs early life as possible. We were able to time it so he was home for the birth for LO1 but I know people who've ended up with the guy missing the birth but getting home shortly after and have found that to work well for them. If your DH deploys less frequently, this is less of a concern.

And how to get through if it ends up happening? Build a strong support network of family and/or friends. Do what you can to keep your husband involved from afar. There are great options for letting him be involved in both the pregnancy and the delivery these days. I worked with my MW to get audio of the heartbeat and tons of pictures of ultrasounds to DH. I had a friend take fun weekly pictures... and nobody saw them before him. I sent gifts that helped involve him. And for delivery? I know guys who have watched their children be born via Skype. If you want, you can get a free doula. Or have your mom or a friend come. And work hard to make that homecoming calm so he has time to try to adjust to all that changed while he was gone.

Smudges*Mom · June 2013

I have BTDT. We got pregnant, by IVF, four months before DH left for MiTT training then deployment. We were apart for 14 months. DH missed LO's birth (which was as ordeal as I got very sick and LO spent 12 hours in the NICU), as well as his first nine months of life. It was not easy, but I was also very lucky.

Because of his MiTT assignment, the Army paid for me to move where ever I wanted (CONUS, that is). I chose to move to be near my family. Because of the difficult delivery (pre-eclampsia/HELLP Syndrome, plus postpartum depression for me, and meconium in his throat, resulting in his NICU stay for LO), I could not have survived without my parents care. They took turns staying with my LO and me for two full months until I was able to take care of us both, by myself. (And, FWIW, I was 37 years old when I had my son. I had lived on my own for 12 years before meeting and marrying my DH. I was accustom to taking care of myself.)

My LO will be four years old in July. DH recently returned home from another (nearly) year long deployment. This time, instead of moving to be near my family, the Army moved us to Germany. Then, three months later, DH left for Afghanistan. By comparison, the deployment with an infant was less hard than the deployment with a three year old. Hands down.

So, enough about me.

I have a few questions (and comments) for you.

1. How old are you? Are you approaching advanced maternal age? Is it imperative that you try to get pregnant **now**? Or, are you young enough that you can afford waiting until YH returns?

2. How long is the deployment? If it is six months or less, I'd say go for it. If it is nine to twelve months keep reading.

3. What is the deployment cycle for your DH? Is he on an in and out schedule? Is he deployed a year, then home for a year and change, then deployed again for a year? Or, will he likely not deploy again for a while?

4. How much longer does your DH plan/anticipate staying in the military? A few more years? Is he a lifer? If he's getting out soon, I'd wait so that he does not miss more of his child's life than necessary. If he's in for a good while longer. . . then I'd proceed, depending on other factors.

5. How are your finances? Do you have a healthy amount in savings? Do you have debt that should be paid off before starting a family? Can you afford a baby? A deployment is a great opportunity to build up your savings account--but that is more difficult to do if you are needing to buy all that a baby needs (even just the bare necessities).

6. Do you have a job? If you do, do you plan to continue working after maternity leave? Does your job allow/provide flexibility to take time off for doctor appointments (prenatal and for baby--well and sick)? What about daycare options? Cost?

7. Do you have a good support system? Do you have family or friends nearby who can drop everything and help you as needed? What if you get really sick (like a terrible stomach virus) and can't care for your baby. Do you have anyone nearby who could help?

8. What's the rush? Parenthood is rewarding. . . But it is also hard, often thankless, monotonous and exhausting. As I mentioned, I was 37 years old when I had my son. While I don't suggest purposely waiting *that* long, I am thankful for my time before I became a mother. I was able to work at an organization I loved. I travelled some. I had lots of time for me. Once you become a mother, "me time" becomes very, very, very hard to come by, especially as a military mom.

I would think long and hard about how to proceed. It is a decision that only you and your DH can make. . . And as others mentioned, even if you choose to TTC before he leaves, there are no guarantees. But, also consider the future. This is such a complex situation. I wish you all the best in whatever you and your DH decide.

TRMBach · June 2013

I got pregnant with DD1 3 weeks before DH deployed. I was lucky enough to have a fairly easy pregnancy and birth. He came home for his R&R when she was 3wks old and came home from deployment when she was almost 4 months. I will be giving birth again alone again due to deployment. Like a PP said, DH has a high deployment job and this gives him as much time with the babies as possible.

If it happens for you just have a support system set up and something to keep you busy. Being pregnant also made the deployment go by so much faster because I had something to look forward to every week/month/

Good luck to you!

CrochetLady90 · June 2013

DH and I had the same discussion. He is planning in staying in the full 20 years and I have fertility issues. For us, TTC is the right thing. These ladies have some great advice! GL to you on your journey!

madde1km · June 2013

I just gave birth a month ago, and my husband won't be home for quite a while. I thought it would be ok, but I didn't know how hard it would be. I'm fine, and taking care of the baby alone isn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be, but feeling his sadness over not being here is gut wrenching. I hired a doula to help me with the delivery, considering he wouldn't be here. She never showed up. We planned on skyping, but I never got the chance to even try to set up my computer. I was unconscious for hours after the birth, so my mom was able to message him and tell him the baby was born, but he had to wait an extremely long time to find out any more. Just understand that any plans can go wrong, and you both will have to emotionally support each other in different ways. Envisioning the homecoming helps me more than anything. Hope this helps!

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