back up plan — The Bump
Military Families

back up plan

My husband and I are expecting in early December.  My husband is supposed to be deployed until the fall but he will be in an area that is commonly faces extensions so there is the possibility he wont be home until after my EDD.  I am not one to have anyone but my husband involved in stuff but given that it's first child and he may not be home I have been thinking a lot of asking a family member to come down around the time of delivery.  Even if my husband is home he can be very high stress so it would be nice to have someone around that can help keep me come and stuff.

 My mother died unexpectedly last year and the relationship with my mother in law is very stressful as she is very pushy, loud and does not understand me at all.  It doesn't help that she acts as if she is the one having the baby.  We live in VA and all our family lives up North.  We had recently told our parents we'd like just them to come down for Christmas after the baby is born and the next day she turned around and invited the entire family.  While visiting them recently she grabbed me when a friend arrived and announced, "this is the breeder of our baby" after that and being smothered all day she couldn't understand why I walked away and found something else to do.  She has been furious that she can't talk about it on Facebook and announce that she is going to be a grandmother but doesn't care that I get harassed by my birth family constantly and am worried about what will happen after it gets out to them.  So as you can see these are just a few reasons she wouldn't be a good support for me during the end of my pregnancy or during the delivery but I know she is going to throw a huge fit once she finds out that I want either my cousin or my husbands Aunt with me.  I am very close with both of them; they are supportive and help keep me through difficult situations and they both have characteristics similar to my mother that has passed.  My cousin and his Aunt are just about the only ones I am comfortable with.  Given my husband will be gone most of the pregnancy and may not make it home in time I would like to know  one of them could be there if I needed them.  We are home visiting this week and both my cousin and aunt are in the medical field so would need to plan ahead for taking time off etc.  I am 12 weeks and would like to talk to them about coming to down but I am very worried about what will happen as soon as my MIL finds out.  I'm not trying to upset her I just feel like having her in the delivery room would make it harder and if it has to be her I'd rather be alone even if my husband doesn't make it.

 Any experiences with a similar situation?  Any suggestions on approaching the situation with out causing an earthquake?

 

*edited by Mod* Please don't post specific months for deployment and redeployment dates. 

Re: back up plan

  • JoBenJoBen member

    When you tell your MIL, emphasize that the most important thing is to have someone who makes YOU feel comfortable in the room during labor, and to remove any possible sources of stress. If your hospital/doctor doesn't have a strict policy for the number of people allowed in the room with you, you can surely lie about it and add this to your story. If she wants to throw a fit, let her. It's not your problem. She may surprise you with her reaction.

    You may also want to consider getting a doula. Hiring a doula was the best decision I made for my first pregnancy.

  • Loading the player...
  • ehnastoehnasto member
    imageJoBen:

    When you tell your MIL, emphasize that the most important thing is to have someone who makes YOU feel comfortable in the room during labor, and to remove any possible sources of stress. If your hospital/doctor doesn't have a strict policy for the number of people allowed in the room with you, you can surely lie about it and add this to your story. If she wants to throw a fit, let her. It's not your problem. She may surprise you with her reaction.

    I agree. What is the worst thing that could happen? She would stop talking to you? From the sounds of it (based on your post) that might not be a bad thing...

  • Loading the player...
  • I second the doula recommendation.  They are great to have in your corner during labor.  
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • imageiluvmytxrgr:
    I second the doula recommendation.  They are great to have in your corner during labor.  


    Third for the doula. Also, if your DH is deployed, you can get a doula at no cost. Check out https://www.operationspecialdelivery.com/ I would suggest calling now instead of waiting,since they fill up fast.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Do you have a best friend you could ask?

    I am all about the idea that it is all about the mother to be and her comfort level in L&D and immediately post partum.  That being said, it sends an incredibly clear message to your MIL about how you feel about her by asking her sister and not her.  Such a clear message that unless I wanted to really hurt feelings and do irreparable harm I might go in a totally different direction.

    Since you lost your mom (I'm so sorry for your loss) and it doesn't sound like you have any aunts or sisters you are close to, I would look to a BFF.  Your cousin is a good alternative since it is your side of the family and you can use the "we have been close my whole life, blah blah" thing.  Maybe your cousin and a doula.

    I don't really care for my MIL and wouldn't want her in L&D with me.  My MIL has some great sisters.  But I would NEVER EVER ask one of my MIL's sisters and not her.  The hurt feelings are just too much - even for someone I'm not crazy about.  You are talking about earthquakes and that situation has a tremendous potential to strain your relationship with MIL and MIL's relationship with her sister.  It might even put your DH's aunt in an "impossible" position of having to be the middle-woman.  I would just think about that long and hard.

     

    Married 6/28/03

    Kate ~ 7/3/09 *** Connor ~ 11/11/10

    4 miscarriages: 2007, 2009, 2013, 2014

    *~*~*~*~*

    No more TTC for us. We are done, and at peace, as a family of 4.

    "Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.” — Charles Dickens

     

  • Unfortunately I have talked to my husband about a doula and he is not comfortable with the option. I would like to explore it but not with out his ok and understanding.

     Most of my friends have small children and husbands that wont necessarily be around. My closest friends back home can't afford to take time off to come down.  Otherwise I would have explored the option farther.  Even so medically my cousin and his aunt are pretty much the only people I wouldn't be freaked out by.

    It's actually MIL's sister in law rather than sister but I get your point.  If the issue did arise I think my husband would to talk to his mom about my comfort but she has made clear in the past that it's not a concern so maybe there is way to make it about the baby? The stuff about dr and hospitals asking you what you want may help. I think I will talk to my cousin about it and if she can't come I will just hope my husband makes it home and plan on being on my own for it.  First child or not I am sure there are plenty of women who do L&D alone.

     Thanks for the input ladies. 

  • Just a lurker; could you sign up for the doula and then cancel when the hubby is home as planned? That way you know that there will be someone there specifically for you. Your cousin or his aunt can request the time off, however there is no promise that they'll get it. Also in the mean time, you can educate him about the role of the doula and he may change his mind.
    Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Second Birthday tickers
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards