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Blended Families
Just a vent
Lately DH has been really harsh on DS11. Even MIL has seen it (she mentioned it to me). He really favors SD8 because he only gets to see her every other week. He admits this, but does nothing to change his behavior
. The other morning I was getting my shower and hear yelling. I run out and find DH yelling at DS for "dwelling" on SD hitting DS. (SD has a major hitting problem that no one seems to care about, including her mom and DH, they both say it is her "age' she is also very mean in general. I never seem to have any issues with her but as soon as I leave the room she lets it all fly) DS was having to write 15 sentences stating that he will not continue dwelling on things. DS had not yet had breakfast, his medications, or been allowed to use the bathroom yet. I didn't say anything until after the kids left for school then I asked DH if SD did hit DS. He said she did but then DS told her to stop, three times. That was what was considered dwelling. Go figure. I asked if she stopped and his response was "she was mad because I was helping him instead of her" no actual answer.
Mil asked last night why DH was being so hard on DS and I told her I am sure it is nerves about the new baby coming, and the fact that he knows SD has some major anger issues that will need worked on. He told me before he feels bad because SD is not the baby anymore. Of course during the time of trying to become pregnant this never came up, actually it didn't come up until I was around 5 mos. LOL
I know these are all blended family issues. And like any blended family we get through them. I just needed to vent today because today is DS 5th grade graduation and BM keeps threatening to not let SD come unless we jump through major hoops. (trading two hours tonight for two weekends this summer) and I am stressing. LOL Stupid vent in the grand scheme but, well, you all understand.
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Re: Just a vent
So he's worried about SD's jealousy because she's a spoiled brat but not a whit worried about alienating his son and making him feel like an outsider?
Dude, it's time to get mad at mr man.
Click me, click me!
DS gets in trouble for "dwelling" and the person who did the hitting doesn't get in trouble? I would have lifted the punishment immediately, united front be damned. If DH would be that stupid I would not support it. This is so ridiculous I don't even know what to say.
THIS, I would not tolerate that behavior toward my child from anyone, including his father.
Really though you and YH need to get on top of that girl hitting. She is becoming a bully and allowing her to hit can lead to some serious anger issues as she grows up.
I appreciate that you stayed on the same page in front of the kids. We do that here too. But if this is a trend, I would be putting DH on notice. I would let him know that you do not agree to this treatment of DS, it is not acceptable, and that he needs to step it up with SD. That if he continues to be hard on DS you will lift any punishment with which you do not agree.
I would be very specific with him and then have a family meeting. There would be rules for each child specifically, and in general. For SD, it would be about hitting and anger management. There would be a rote, no discussion punishment for every occurence. Period. No more games with DH and his insecurity or whatnot. What would happen if SD hit the baby?
Thank you guys so much. You helped me see that its not just me that sees the hitting as a problem. I told her if she hits again she will be on timeout when she did it the other day. Her response was "mommy says I can" Which sadly is very true. I feel bad because I know her bratty attitude and such is all learned behavior.
DH and I are going to have a sitdown tonight after sd is at her moms and ds is asleep. He has admitted before that it has always been "easier" to just let sd do what she wants because bm will call and complain as soon as sd tells her mom that we "punished" her. It is sad that at eight she knows mommy will always be on her side and her dad is a pushover.
DS is going through a rough time right now too. His dad is in and out of jail for beating up on his girlfriend. (DS remembers when we lived with his dad and knows most of the situation he has not seen his dad since around xmas for about 15 min). DH is great 50 percent of the time, he and DS are really close, but on the weeks SD is here it changes. I know it confuses DS but he says he "gets it" He keeps saying he is "so ready" for the summer when he goes to his pappys house for a few weeks. LOL
The reason he really wants to go is he can see his pap. We moved here a year and a half ago (ish) He and I lived with "pap" after my divorce from his dad until I could get on my feet money wise. My son sees a counselor and the counselor has been dealing with some of these issues. The reason for the LOL is more because of how my son said " I am SO ready to visit pap"
My son knows hitting is never the answer luckily, and has seen me disipline SD for doing so. And DH actually disiplined her last week at gymnastics when during the program she just ran around and did what she wanted. She wrote sentences and a note to her teacher apologizing (the note was at my insistence)
An idea how things work at BM's house:
I was in Target during BM's time awhile ago and heard SD yelling and crying at her mom for a Monster High doll. I hightailed it out of there. They didn't see me until they were checking out and SD had the doll in her hand. I acted surprised when SD ran up to me. I hate that we have different "rules" than her mothers house, I know it confuses her. The lawyer tried to get SD in manditory counseling last time but the judge said it was the difference in households that was the problem and only got co parent counseling. Which so far BM has refused to do because she is responsible for 20percent of the cost.
DH and I have seen a counselor since we were engaged (family counseling, to help us blend our family) but this problem is fairly new. Like I said, this baby was planned, discussed, etc and the issues didn't come up until about 5months in) He never really had a problem with disipline before then, he would usually hang up on BM or just say "we can discuss this later" but now it seems to be a stressor for him.
Also, you need to stop focusing on the rules being different at each house. That will never change. Sometimes the rules are different in the same house because parents can't agree. If SD says 'mommy lets me' then your response should be, well daddy and I make the rules here. It gives SD too much power and an out for never having to follow your rules. Your DH also needs to make it clear to BM when she calls that she has no right to dictate what goes on in your house. Your SD is just going to keep acting out and will only get worse when the new baby comes an you need to nip this in the bud now.
Yeah, I think this is one of those times where united front is horseshit.
Click me, click me!
Oh hell no. Our BM has tried to call and lecture us on how SD got in trouble at our house. We're willing to discuss issues, but telling us how to parent is not going to fly. At 8 years old, SD is mature enough to understand that rules and expectations are different in different settings and locations. She can figure out that what works at mom's is not going to work at dad's.
Does she hit at school? Our school has a zero tolerance policy on hitting and bullying.
You suck as a mother.
I don't know which is worse for the kid. Having a SF that treats him like crap or having a mother that lets him.
Phantom, I love you lately
Abuses? How dare you throw that term around? I was in a very abusive relationship that I got out of. I know what abuse is. My ex husband was a cop who realized the law didn't apply to him until he threw me down the stairs one night then lost his job. My son and I have been in counseling ever since.
How dare you say I am a bad mother when I came here for support and trying to find the words to breech this subject. Sorry but blended family issues are hard. If you have never had any then your family isn't very "blended" I would suggest.
I am pregnant, I know how people love to say pregnant people are "emotional" and stupid junk like that. I just needed help with prespective. Not to be beat down.
I know what emotional abuse is. I am not stupid. But really thanks for trying to make me feel like it! It really helps the situation!
And my son had a counseling appt today. I spoke to the counselor about it and he said they discussed it. It seems like a nonissue for ds according to the counselor. I personally didn't like the situation so I did want it addressed with my husband. My son also had another counseling appt last week (all fifth graders have them before middle school in district) and the school feels he is extrememly well adjusted.
And yes he is very excited to spend time with his pap! I love knowing he has lots of members of his family who love and support him.
UM, it was the other day,
I obviously had issue with it because I addressed it
and DS obviously didn't care as much as I felt he should have. I addressed it with his counselor and my husband that morning and we are discussing it tonight again.