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September 2013 Moms
babybird12
member
sort of NBR -holidays & family
babybird12
member
SO for the last few weeks my mom and I have been having a debate about Christmas....what we've don't before as a married couple then last year with an almost 1 year old was on Christmas day do the morning of at my IL's and the evening at my parents then everyone got Christmas with us.... Which ment our little family driving 40min to the IL's then 50mins to my parents then 10 home....and it just left us exhausted with no Christmas time to our own little family....
This year we told our family that Christmas day is now our day and they could all (IL's, my parents, and my non-married brother) come to our house for a big Christmas dinner/present exchange....
My mom got all pissed (she does NOT like my ILs) and said it was HER day and she wasn't going to change it for anyone...I said that was fine but then we wouldn't be coming because if both sides of the fam don't get Christmas no one does.....so I told her she could bring presents over Christmas eve and we could have our time then and Christmas day belongs to us.
Am I crazy? She made me feel like I was being rude/unreasonable...I'm trying to make both my IL's and them happy and make it still fun for our family...We want to start our own traditions now that we will have 2 kids ....and she's all mad at me like I'm ruining her holiday.... P.S she's a control freak and always has been!
Sorry this ended up long and vent-ish...my mom and I do not always get along....but what do you do for holidays...especially now that you will have a baby or lots of kids?
Married the love of my life in 2011
DS born in 2012
DS2 born in 2013
Lil surprise due October 18th!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: sort of NBR -holidays & family
Our situation is slightly more complicated because DS goes with XH on Christmas Eve or Christmas day, depending on whos year it is.
DH's family always celebrates their Christmas on Christmas Eve and thankfully my parents are very easy-going and will celebrate with us whenever it works for our family. So, we do Christmas Eve with his family, Christmas Day morning with our little family, and then my parents come over later in the day on Christmas.
That being said, NOW is the time to start your own family traditions and stick to them. What if you designated different times for your respective families to come over? For example, have the IL's over for a Christmas brunch and then have your family over for dinner? It eliminates the need for you to travel, and while it does create a lot of work for you, it helps avoid the whole "I don't like the IL's" situation.
Whatever you choose, stand your ground.
We live in the same town as my parents, dh's parents are 8 hours away, we have to pick one or the other.
I think it's hard on everyone once kids grow up and have families of their own. It's not easy, I would imagine, for some people to have such a big holiday tradition changed. With that being said...she needs to understand that you're not doing this to hurt, etc. It's just what needs to be done.
Splitting holidays is the worst part of becoming a grown up!
Last Christmas that meant we saw my family. DH's family wanted to get together on Christmas at noon. Which would have meant us not having time for our celebration. So we said thanks, but no thanks. My family was willing to get together a few days after Christmas.
Other holidays we just switch off as we want to. There is no real schedule. If we've seen my family recently, then we do the next holiday with his if possible. Or vice versa. (For example: Another reason that we wanted to see my family at Christmas is that one of our nephew's on DH's side was baptized the week before Christmas. So we had just seen his family.)
That's a long way of saying, we do whatever works for most holidays trying to make sure we see our families about the same amount. But Christmas is a firm we are in our own house that day.
Things are going to change with the baby however, and I foresee a lot of battles in my future. I plan to stand my ground about what we think is best for our family nucleus. I advise you to do the same. Good luck and stay strong. I know it's going to realllly tough for me.
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." -- Dale Carnegie
"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time." --Thomas A. Edison
A nice response of " I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is the decision we've made and I hope you're able to participate" is sufficient.
Since DH and I got married (1 year before DS was born) we decided that we would continue to do what we did while we were dating, which was spend Christmas Eve (earlier) with my dad and stepmom, then head to DH's grandparents house late Christmas Eve to do presents at midnight, like they've always done. We said early on that whenever kids come along, Christmas Day would be spent at home and whomever wanted to come visit was more than welcome to. Everyone agreed.
When DS was born, we did just that. Spend the afternoon and had early-ish dinner at my dad's and opened presents, then loaded up in the car and drove 40 min to visit the ILs then came home for Christmas Day. My dad and stepmom wanted to come over later on Christmas Day, which was fine.
This past Christmas we kept to the same game plan and stayed home on Christmas Day as a family. We're living with the ILs now, but they stayed at the grandparents house and didn't come home until the evening on Christmas Day, so we still had the day to ourselves.
I'm sorry your mom is being so difficult with all of this, but I hope you stand your ground and do what you want with your family.
I'll be honest, I have little tolerance for this kind of behavior. Your mother, IL's, etc all had their time to raise their children and start their own traditions. Now you have your own family and the desire to do the same. You should NOT have to dread the holidays, or "manage" other people because they can't deal with it. And you certainly shouldn't have to spend the day driving all over the place with 2U2!! You have offered to open up your home and welcomed others in for Christmas dinner, so they can be part of it. If they choose not to that is their loss, but you should not have to compromise the rest of your life and your family for what someone else wants. Once you leave the nest and start your own THAT becomes priority number one.
As to your mother not liking your IL's, she just needs to get over it. Sounds harsh, but really, how does she expect to spend the next however-many years at birthday parties, christenings, family celebrations, etc? We don't always love our extended family but you make do in those situtations. I should hope that spending time with her daughter and grandchildren would be more important than whatever petty differences she has with your husbands family. Particularly at Christmas.
I do not think you are being rude or unreasonable at all. I think you are a wife and mother who has every right to start her own traditions. Someday your children will have the opportunity to do the same. Until then, do what is right for your family of 4
I'm dreading this year. My parents are divorced so that just adds another set of people we have to see over the holidays. As it stands, for the past 5 years or so we see my dad's family on Thanksgiving day (about 2 hours away) and then see my mom's family on Christmas day (30 minutes to an hour away). We'll see my dad's family again for Christmas sometime in late December-early January.
The hiccup comes with my ILs. DH is one of 6 and his family complains if they aren't together all the time for every holiday. So we get guilt tripped if we don't go for Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, AND Christmas. Sorry, if my family gets one day each, his family shouldn't get all 3.
We started talking to his parents recently for the first time in a few years and I know they are going to want to see us (and the baby) for all 3 holidays again. I'm not doing it. The 3 of us need our own time for our own celebrations and I'm not going to spend all 3 holidays there even if they live 10 minutes away.
LO then (2 days) and now (1 year)
While I obviously haven't had my baby yet and can't say how I'll feel for sure, my personal opinion is that you should continue with the traditions of seeing both families as you usually did. Why can't your 'tradition" be just what you've already done? Unless you don't really like the current traditions (obviously you don't or you wouldn't want to change it). My mom would be super pissed if I told her she now had to come over to my house for a few hours and share her time with the ILs.
Of course, my own opinion and experience are going to be different. All of my family and ILs live within 20 minutes of each other. My ILs are divorced and we see FIL Christmas Eve afternoon and MIL Christmas Eve night. We spend the afternoon and evening on Christmas Day with my family. That's our tradition, and while I'd rather not spend so much time with my ILs, that's what Christmas is about- being with family.
What if you celebrated your own family Christmas on Dec 23rd night?
As a dating/married couple, DH and I made a point to visit my mom's, my dad's and his parents on each holiday- and it was exhausting and not enjoyable.
When we had kids, we adopted my dad's policy after they had my much younger brother and sister (you're welcome to visit, but we're staying home) so that the kids could enjoy their holidays. So as it is now, we traditionally do Christmas Eve or the day after Christmas with my dad, my mom comes over for breakfast on Xmas morning, and we walk up to my ILs (3 houses away) for dinner. It's your time to start traditions with your family!
EXACTLY HOW I FEEL!
I think you need to do what you feel is best for your family. I totally get not wanting to spend your holidays in the car, and I think your solution is fine. I personally do not think that all of the traditions that are in place need to stay in place when the next generation starts to have kids. The dynamic changes, and while change is hard for people, they really need to adapt.
That being said, I am hoping to avoid conflict at Christmas this year. We do Christmas Eve with my mom's side of the family, and Christmas day brunch with my dad's side. I have no problem with these because we will have enough time on Christmas morning to do our own thing and everyone lives within 30 minutes of each other. However, in the past couple of years, my aunt (mom's side) has tried to institute a new Christmas day tradition where we go over to her house in the afternoon/evening - even though we had spent the entire previous evening in their company and exchanged gifts. By that time, I am exhausted and just want to hang out with my husband and possibly my parents and siblings. I don't really feel like piling back into the car and going down to her house. Her excuse has always been that we need to see what toys her kid got for Christmas (which is kind of stupid, if you ask me). In any case, considering we will have a LO this year, we have both decided that we are going to skip this new "tradition" she has tried to impose. I really hope she doesn't get upset. It's nothing personal. We just want to have some holiday relaxation time.