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July 2013 Moms
PrimRoseMama
member
BTDT and/or experienced caregivers: Tantrum Help
PrimRoseMama
member
Mobile: BTDT and/or experienced caregivers: Tantrum Help!
So I knew the time was ticking here before the "terrible twos and threes". DD is almost 20 months. We have had some run ins with minor tantrums before but lately they've gotten crazy.
It usually starts when H leaves for work. She used to cry and then get over it. However, now it starts the avalanche of drama that crescendos into a full on fit over very small things.
We are working on words. DD has maybe 10 total and they are not "normal" but DD speak that we've figured out. Her own labels for things. She understands the "real" words and can point at things etc. Its getting her to open her mouth and make the sounds for what she wants that she either is unable or unwilling to do. So far we've gotten by with pointing etc.
I'm getting her evaluated by a speech therapist and she's passed all the evaluations. They just think she is slightly behind but physically she has no issues that could classify her as "officially" delayed. The advice is to give her time and she will communicate.
So back to the tantrums: I know it frustrates her and I acknowledge her frustrations, but she's been very combative [hitting/flailing/shrieking]. I have been restraining her and said firmly "we don't hit/kick". I can't let her be freaking out on the tile because she will want to hit her head in frustration on the tile and that is no good.
So I put her in her room on a foam pad and hold her while she freaks out. I try to be patient and meet whatever need is going on [food/drink/attention] but sometimes all three seem to be rejected in favor of sheer flipping the eff out. It's exhausting and maddening. I feel so lost as to how to "fix it".
My mom friends have said all I can do is let her know that I know she is mad about X Y or Z and that I am here. That I know it's so frustrating. Right now she is laying in bed with me asleep after a meltdown that lasted about 15 minutes though it felt much longer.
She didn't want the nap originally, but with every little thing setting her off I felt it was wise to try to get one.
Anyway, BTDT moms or caregivers: is this a phase every kid goes through? Can I do anything different to try to head off these tantrums?
So I knew the time was ticking here before the "terrible twos and threes". DD is almost 20 months. We have had some run ins with minor tantrums before but lately they've gotten crazy.
It usually starts when H leaves for work. She used to cry and then get over it. However, now it starts the avalanche of drama that crescendos into a full on fit over very small things.
We are working on words. DD has maybe 10 total and they are not "normal" but DD speak that we've figured out. Her own labels for things. She understands the "real" words and can point at things etc. Its getting her to open her mouth and make the sounds for what she wants that she either is unable or unwilling to do. So far we've gotten by with pointing etc.
I'm getting her evaluated by a speech therapist and she's passed all the evaluations. They just think she is slightly behind but physically she has no issues that could classify her as "officially" delayed. The advice is to give her time and she will communicate.
So back to the tantrums: I know it frustrates her and I acknowledge her frustrations, but she's been very combative [hitting/flailing/shrieking]. I have been restraining her and said firmly "we don't hit/kick". I can't let her be freaking out on the tile because she will want to hit her head in frustration on the tile and that is no good.
So I put her in her room on a foam pad and hold her while she freaks out. I try to be patient and meet whatever need is going on [food/drink/attention] but sometimes all three seem to be rejected in favor of sheer flipping the eff out. It's exhausting and maddening. I feel so lost as to how to "fix it".
My mom friends have said all I can do is let her know that I know she is mad about X Y or Z and that I am here. That I know it's so frustrating. Right now she is laying in bed with me asleep after a meltdown that lasted about 15 minutes though it felt much longer.
She didn't want the nap originally, but with every little thing setting her off I felt it was wise to try to get one.
Anyway, BTDT moms or caregivers: is this a phase every kid goes through? Can I do anything different to try to head off these tantrums?
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
This discussion has been closed.
Re: BTDT and/or experienced caregivers: Tantrum Help
DD has a speech delay, she was saying maybe 2-3 words at 2 years old. We started with a picture schedule. Saved my sanity. So I would just make pictures of certain things I knew she liked (water, toys, snacks etc). This way she was able to tell me, sometimes at least, what she wanted. When DD got frustrated, I don't think she knew how to calm herself down so she would tantrum until she wore herself out or we were able to distract her. I guess it didn't matter to her that we knew what she wanted, if she got frustrated it was all over! But I have to say, that "stage" lasted only a few months and once she saw that she was able to get what she wanted by communicating (via words or pictures) she seemed to stop the tantrums.
We also started basic signing (more/please/all done) and she was able to use signs for things she wanted as well.
Now....tantrums b/c she is pushing her limits and seeing what she can get away with. 3--so much fun!
TTC since 6/2003. m/c 9/14/03 8 weeks, 5 chemical pregnancies, mmc 6/04 12 weeks, Michael born sleeping 5/25/05 at 22weeks always our angel, fought ovarian cancer and won, m/c 4/06 5.2 weeks and 7/07 6.6 weeks,Our Miracle baby girl born 4/8/10,mc 12/18/11 at 5.3 weeks, BFP 10/26/12 dating u/s on 11/8/12 showing a strong heartbeat!EDD July 4,2013. RCS on 6/27. Baby boy in NICU for 8 long and scary days before he was able to come home. We are now a happy family of 4
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She has bumped her head on the tile and gotten a little black and blue, but she's not going to do anything to really hurt herself.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
This part here stands out to me. If she has started a routine of when the fit throwing is occurring, and that it's not completely random, there are some things you can do to be proactive about it.
Do you acknowledge that dad leaves or is it a sneak out the door sort of situation?
It may be helpful to begin a different activity or routine at this time every day. Something like dad can help pick a show for you to watch when he leaves, or she gets to color or some kind of fun, short activity just to replace her tantrum. Make it something special but not too elaborate that you can fit into your daily routine.
We acknowledge that Daddy is leaving with a hug and a kiss goodbye from him. She's alright until the door is closed and he's walking away. Usually a book or song will distract her, but I think she's figured me out. I usually sit with her at the window and we look at Daddy get into his car and wave. Then I read her a story and/or play puppets.
It's just been lately that the distractions seem to have lost their effectiveness and she is unable to "let go" of her primary frustration that Daddy has to go to work.
I'm told when I go to appointments and such she will do the same to H. She has trouble with anyone she loves physically leaving the house.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
This approach worked best for us too. It is a rough stage. Overtired or hungry definitly makes it worse.
I thought I saw that you have a MIL from another culture....is your daughter exposed to more than one language? If so, a slight language delay is typical her age. That's how it was for us.
DD born 12.21.09, conceived w/ injects and IUI
TTC#2 since Nov 2011
BFP 2.6.12 m/c 6w5d | BFP 5.25.12 c/p
-Back to the RE-
3 medicated IUIs, all BFN
-Taking a break from treatment-
BFP 11.20.12 ~ EDD 7.28.13
My Chart
Yes, MIL speaks mandarin. DD is exposed to 3 languages: English, French and Mandarin. We focus on English though.
Whew, I'm glad to hear I'm not in the trenches alone!
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
I've been dealing with a high-spirited child since birth and the terrible two stage hit us early and hard. I usually try to spot the first sign of a tantrum and then try to avert it. I follow the motto "pick your battles". I give in to the dumb little things but draw the line at important stuff. I will even resort to bribery sometimes if I'm really desperate but it seems to work for us.
There really is nothing you can do sometimes so when sh*t hits the fan I just stay calm and I don't back down. I say "I'm sorry you are upset" and I try to ignore the behavior which seems to work for the most part. I know my DS has meltdowns the second he gets tired or hungry so I keep very scheduled (nap at 1pm, snack at 3pm, bed at 9pm...). It's going to be tough with a new baby coming but I think it's good for him in the long run. He needs to know how to be patient and understand the needs of others so this will be good practice lol!
I bet when your DS starts using more words things ease up a bit. In the meantime, just remember that things do calm down as they mature. It's just such an emotional age for all of us! Hang in there and stay centered and hopefully when your little guy gets here she will be going through a better stage.
I haven't watched/read it yet but I've heard from several friends that Happiest Toddler on the Block is really a life saver. It wouldn't hurt to check it out.
When DD gets into those kind of moods we typically tell her we understand she's upset about x and try to re-assure her that her feelings are valid, but daddy has to go to work now and he'll be back or something to that effect. Then we just let her alone until she's finished throwing her tantrum. Typically it will only last about 5min or so, though she has wailed for 45+ min sometimes at bedtime before just getting exhausted and passing out.
Another thing is maybe to try and distract/divert her attention to something else if you can. I know that's not usually possibly when they are in full out tantrum mode, but maybe once she starts winding down a bit?
D 2.20.2011 & Z 7.16.2013
Not reading other posts I'd say there is a bit of frustration on her part that she can't communicate her needs as clearly as she wants to so that can lead to some of the tantrums. My friend and I were just talking about this yesterday because she has a now 4 year old who, when younger, took awhile longer to talk so there was some autism concerns . He was evaluated and everything turned out fine. During the evaluation period the advice she was given was to talk a lot yourself around the house. Say, Mommy's is getting out a glass from the cupboard to get herself a drink of water. Just every little thing you do, even if it sounds insane.
I understand you're worried about her hurting herself during her tantrums but is there a way where you can not focus on them when they happen? When DS starts flippin out about something I go through my mind first why he would be freaking out (lack of a good nap, hungry, sick? etc) If none of those seem to be a reason then I usually walk out of the room or turn my attention obviously away from him. (I don't do this in public) If it's a tantrum over something we need to do like a take a bath or change a pull-up I do start counting in a very firm voice. I've heard great things of the book 123 Magic for discipline issues. Good luck, tantrums suck.
And just to hit on this. The reason why my friend and I were talking about speech delay issues was because we have a coworker who is going through this right now with her 2 year old. She is Chinese as is her family who she lives with, her Ex is also Chinese but speaks a different dialect, however she speaks English to her daughter, but her family doesn't. One thing she has been told by a doctor at Children's Hospital is that anymore than three languages right now is too much. Keep it to two.
I am sorry that you are having so much trouble with the tantrums. That sounds very frustrating. Most of the time kids throw tantrums it is for attention. When you restrain her, you are giving her inadvertently giving her attention. I would try putting her in her room and walking away when she gets very extreme. For smaller tantrums, it is helpful to walk away and withdraw the attention. I will typically walk a few steps away or start doing housework nearby. If my son ends up being hungry, tired, or thirsty, then it will be obvious. If there it is just a melt down, he will calm down rather quickly.
DS3 is going through a similar phase. He doesn't really have any definite triggers like your D does, but he does through tantrums that can last awhile from time to time. He recently went through a big time language boom, and not surprisingly, they settled down a bit after that.
It all sounds super normal to me, and it seems like you've gotten a lot of good advice. I hope she outgrows this phase soon and you can get a little peace!
We checked out the book '1-2-3 Magic' from the library and it has been a huge help. It basically explains that toddlers and children can be completely irrational, especially in the midst of a meltdown, so it is useless to explain or reason with them. You simply count to three, then put them in a time out (we just put my DD in her room for about 1- 2 minutes- she's 2 1/2 years).
The book explains it much better, but it's been great for us. The point is to eventually stop the bad behavior or tantrum as soon as you start counting, and not even have to do a time out. The book gives tons of examples and ideas on how to apply it in public places, the car, etc... Our daughter is like a different kid now and we rarely have to give the actual time out after we start to count.
https://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Children/dp/1889140430
Also, DS used to bash his head on the hardwood floor. Our pedi said to let him... That part of the skull is strong and he won't do it hard enough to cause damage. We had a week with an ugly bruise, but he got over the behavior.