Big fight with DH... sigh

APotterHead · May 2013

So my DH quit smoking back in March 2012. I've been so proud of him, and contributed his improve SA to this. There have been a couple times over the last few months that he has smelled like smoke. He told me it was his buddy he was working with, who I know smokes like a chimeny. I of course believed him.

So last night I busted him red handed, or should I say cigarette handed. Of course I freaked out. I HATE being lied to and even more by the person you love and are committed to! I can't believe he's been lying to me!! He said, its only occassionally or when he has a beer... whatever! I'm suppose to believe that after he's been lying to my face!

Its not even the smoking so much, my whole family smokes, I truly understand the struggle to quit. Its they LYING and hiding it from me. We had a big blow out that of course turned into an 3TC thing.

I just don't understand why he can't do this ONE THING for our journey to get KU. I go through test after test, I take drugs, POAS constantly, get poked and prodded monthly and ALL I ASK OF HIM is that he quit smoking and do the BD with me in the "fertile window"... rough freaking life!

Sorry, maybe I'm being dramatic, maybe not, but I"m freaking pissed and maybe I'll just throat punch DH today instead!

ky29 · May 2013

**lurking (not ready to reintro yet)**

I can definitely relate. DH chews, and he quit back in September. I found out last month that he had picked it back up and does it every once in a while with his friends. I freaked out at first, even though I know every-so-often probably won't hurt, but I'm so afraid he'll pick it back up full time. And he was a very heavy user.

Since we lost our babies, I asked him to try to cut it back to almost nothing. We also got into an arguement, because I didn't understand why he wouldn't want to try and help our chances get pregnant again. (I actually sound very much like PP!!)

I know it's hard, espeically when we are doing everything in our power to get pregnant.. it seems like they should be too. Hang in there! We're here whenever you need to vent.

scbedi · May 2013

I have been through the same thing with my DH! He doesn't smoke but he dips (which is absolutely disgusting!!!!!!! Like i can't even explain how gross it is). I have talked to him about the tobacco effecting his SA, etc. He has "quite" a few times but I always find out when he starts back. I just tell him "I'm not stupid, I will eventually find out and it is so much worst when I find out you are hiding it from me". I am so so sorry.

RunCC37 · May 2013

I'm so sorry

It's so hard to deal when you feel you've been betrayed by a loved one. ::hugs::

rox825 · May 2013

I'm sorry about your fight, and I don't blame you for being upset that he was hiding it from you. I would be too. I hope that he can quit for good!

KTdid81 · May 2013

I completely understand. I even more understand how it leads up to a fight about 3TC. Ours always ends up the same. While we (women) have to do all the tests, all the drugs & all the procedures, it seems like men get off easy. It is easy to feel like they aren't doing as much as we are.

But, 3TC or not, lying is not cool. I understand that he is probably trying to hide from the hormones (my DH is in the garage A LOT), but at least be honest. Going cold turkey is hard....just tell the truth.

APotterHead · May 2013

Thanks everyone. Glad to know I"m not alone! Although, I just wish they would ALL kick the habit. He'll be home from work soon. Lets see how this goes!

Mrsbuttercup0806 · June 2013

APotterHead:
He told me it was his buddy he was working with, who I know smokes like a chimney. I of course believed him.
I HATE being lied to and even more by the person you love and are committed to! I can't believe he's been lying to me!! He said, its only occassionally or when he has a beer... whatever! I'm suppose to believe that after he's been lying to my face!
Its not even the smoking so much, my whole family smokes, I truly understand the struggle to quit. Its they LYING and hiding it from me.

All of this I related to 100%. Our battle has been going on for years now. We quit together 7 years ago. I find out 3 1/2 years ago that he had only quit for 18 months, and not only been lying to my face for 2 years but was caught by a friend making fun of the little 'ritual' he did to hide it from his wife (washing,gargling, etc.) Made me feel like a complete sucker moron. There had been several times that he still did smell some, but literally all of his friends smoked so it's a viable excuse - until I smelled it in his beard and figured out either he was smoking or he was making out with someone who did!!!!!!!!

Fast forward several long years and several attempts to quit (and subsequent restarts to both the smoking and lying). In fact we are in the middle of another battle right now, where he had quit in Feb and has restarted - while lying about it again of course.

For me it's definitely about the lying and complete lack of trust (if he's lying about this chronically what else....) but it IS largely about the smoking too. Not only did both my grandparents suffer horribly from direct smoking-related diseases and death, but HIS grandfather passed from Emphysema and DH is an Alpha 1 Antitrypsin Deficiency carrier. Basically he's signing his own death warrant.

And since locally doesn't do morph or motility in SA, (going to the big city this summer to do it) I don't even really know the impact there.

Big hugs!!!!!!!!!!

ETA: wording changes.

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