How did you come to the decision, one and done?

Neary2011 · May 2013

My name is Rebecca and I have a 6 months old daughter and I am truly considering just having her and being done, but not because I don't want to be pregnant again or anything like that, but because I feel like I am raising her alone and I don't want to be and I don't want to have to do the same with another little blessing.

Some background information: my husband is a correctional office and so his job is very demanding, he but when he is off, instead of him helping me, he is in our bedroom playing games and playing on the internet and not helping with his daughter. I know that we are new parents and this is a new situation for us, but what he is doing isn't right.

How did you ladies come to this decision, what question's did you ask yourself before coming up with this decision?

Thank you ladies!

EastCoastBride · May 2013

Well, for one, that's a perfectly valid reason to be OAD. If I had a partner who wasn't involved, I wouldn't have more kids with him either.

However - have you talked to him? Have you explained that he's the dad - that means he's just as responsible for your DD as you are? That he NEEDS to know her, "learn" her, be actively involved?

I mean - can you REALLY live the rest of your life like this? Are you really happy? Because the next step to this is that if my DH were this uninvolved in our lives, I don't know that I'd really want to be staying w/ him either - nevermind having more kids.

This partially comes from the concept of - do you really want your DD to grow up thinking that THIS is how a father acts and how a husband treats his wife and family????

I don't think the only "solution" here is to just decide "oh- no more kids".

Neary2011 · May 2013

EastCoastBride:

Well, for one, that's a perfectly valid reason to be OAD. If I had a partner who wasn't involved, I wouldn't have more kids with him either.

However - have you talked to him? Have you explained that he's the dad - that means he's just as responsible for your DD as you are? That he NEEDS to know her, "learn" her, be actively involved?

I mean - can you REALLY live the rest of your life like this? Are you really happy? Because the next step to this is that if my DH were this uninvolved in our lives, I don't know that I'd really want to be staying w/ him either - nevermind having more kids.

This partially comes from the concept of - do you really want your DD to grow up thinking that THIS is how a father acts and how a husband treats his wife and family????

I don't think the only "solution" here is to just decide "oh- no more kids".

Neary2011 · May 2013

EastCoastBride:

Well, for one, that's a perfectly valid reason to be OAD. If I had a partner who wasn't involved, I wouldn't have more kids with him either.

However - have you talked to him? Have you explained that he's the dad - that means he's just as responsible for your DD as you are? That he NEEDS to know her, "learn" her, be actively involved?

I mean - can you REALLY live the rest of your life like this? Are you really happy? Because the next step to this is that if my DH were this uninvolved in our lives, I don't know that I'd really want to be staying w/ him either - nevermind having more kids.

This partially comes from the concept of - do you really want your DD to grow up thinking that THIS is how a father acts and how a husband treats his wife and family????

I don't think the only "solution" here is to just decide "oh- no more kids".

Thank you for your help! I have talked to him about this situation and he says that he is scared that he will accidently hurt her and I know he wouldn't and then he tells me he is going to try but I haven't seen that yet. Last week I asked him to help me give her a bath and he got all bent out of shape about it and said he just can't do it and so I told him to just watch and he really didn't even do that, so I told him from now on I want him to get all her bath stuff together for me everynight and he hasn't done that either.

I want my daughter to grow up knowing her father did everything he could to give a well rounded life, he provides for her needs yes, in the fact of cloths, and food, but I provide for her emotional and developmental needs, but I want him to be able to share in them also. He is missing out on so many things with her and I don't want to have another child and the samething happen again.

Neary2011 · May 2013

BostonKisses2:
Neary2011:
EastCoastBride:

Well, for one, that's a perfectly valid reason to be OAD. If I had a partner who wasn't involved, I wouldn't have more kids with him either.

However - have you talked to him? Have you explained that he's the dad - that means he's just as responsible for your DD as you are? That he NEEDS to know her, "learn" her, be actively involved?

I mean - can you REALLY live the rest of your life like this? Are you really happy? Because the next step to this is that if my DH were this uninvolved in our lives, I don't know that I'd really want to be staying w/ him either - nevermind having more kids.

This partially comes from the concept of - do you really want your DD to grow up thinking that THIS is how a father acts and how a husband treats his wife and family????

I don't think the only "solution" here is to just decide "oh- no more kids".

Thank you for your help! I have talked to him about this situation and he says that he is scared that he will accidently hurt her and I know he wouldn't and then he tells me he is going to try but I haven't seen that yet. Last week I asked him to help me give her a bath and he got all bent out of shape about it and said he just can't do it and so I told him to just watch and he really didn't even do that, so I told him from now on I want him to get all her bath stuff together for me everynight and he hasn't done that either.

I want my daughter to grow up knowing her father did everything he could to give a well rounded life, he provides for her needs yes, in the fact of cloths, and food, but I provide for her emotional and developmental needs, but I want him to be able to share in them also. He is missing out on so many things with her and I don't want to have another child and the samething happen again.

Would he be willing to do some counseling with you? Maybe there's something else that's an underlying cause for his actions/behavior. At the very least, having a neutral party might be able to help both of you address the issue at hand, and may get him to step up to the plate a little more.

I am not sure if he would be willing or not. My Husbands father was a marine, and so he was deployed alot and I am not sure if maybe that is why my husband acts the way he does. When my brother was home this passed week for my brother funeral, he told one of my sisters that he did not like the way that my husband was treating me and his daughter and so it is not just me that notices this stuff it is other family memebers too, I just want my husband to be a father to our daughter and love and care for her like a father does.

Ecy · May 2013

To answer your question, we chose to be OAD because:

1. The size of our family just feels right and I don't have a strong desire to have another

2. Our finances would be really stretched with another and I don't want that added stress on our family/marriage

3. I have a career as a teacher that takes a tremendous amount of effort and I can manage that well with one child

Those are just a few but wanted to say that at this moment, it definitely sounds like you shouldn't be considering another child. Yes, your DH should be more helpful but often some men just don't do well with babies. I know I may get flamed for saying this and I know it's no excuse but it happens all the time. Many men get much more involved when the child reaches more of a toddler stage. I understand you don't want to just sit around and wait to see if this happens but I thought this might be the case since you said he's scared to give her a bath. Now, if he's being mean to you or anything like that, then there is no excuse and more action needs to be taken.

EastCoastBride · May 2013

Neary2011:
Last week I asked him to help me give her a bath and he got all bent out of shape about it and said he just can't do it and so I told him to just watch and he really didn't even do that,

I had 2 reactions to this.

1- I LOL'd. I have a friend whose DH one time said "I dont' know how to give DS a bath" as a reason why he didn't want to give him a bath. You know what she did? She got up and walked out of the bathroom. Let him figure it out. She had no special "mommy knowledge" on how to give a baby a bath. She had to figure it out, so she let him figure it out!

And it absolutely let them both down the bath of being CO-parents. Which is part of my advice- just let him do it. Hand him the baby and leave, walk away. Whatever the subject at hand it- just let him do it.

2- BUT at the same time, I'm a little "WTF" about this too. You're asking him to just stay and HELP and he's giving you an attitude? This doesn't sound like a man who really wants to learn. He just wants to sit back and let you do the work.

But even w/ that - I go back to #1. Let him figure some of this stuff out.

That is one problem I see that moms do. Because they are the mom, they are "expected" to know/do everything, they often just take on all the tasks. And also- they start to want things done THEIR way and don't leave room for their DHs to figure out their own way.

I caution moms on doing this. Don't go down that path. Let your DH figure things out on his own, and even if he does it differently- so what? Let him.

Tbd143 · May 2013

Ecy:
Yes, your DH should be more helpful but often some men just don't do well with babies. I know I may get flamed for saying this and I know it's no excuse but it happens all the time. Many men get much more involved when the child reaches more of a toddler stage. I understand you don't want to just sit around and wait to see if this happens but I thought this might be the case since you said he's scared to give her a bath. Now, if he's being mean to you or anything like that, then there is no excuse and more action needs to be taken.

This. I am not saying it's right or helpful, but I know lots of great dads who reacted this way in the baby stage. Although starting by asking him to get bath stuff together and other helpful stuff, was a great way to start...Sorry that hasn't worked out either. I am so sorry you're going through this.

Tbd143 · May 2013

EastCoastBride:
Neary2011:
Last week I asked him to help me give her a bath and he got all bent out of shape about it and said he just can't do it and so I told him to just watch and he really didn't even do that,
I had 2 reactions to this.
 1- I LOL'd.  I have a friend whose DH one time said "I dont' know how to give DS a bath" as a reason why he didn't want to give him a bath.  You know what she did?  She got up and walked out of the bathroom.  Let him figure it out.  She had no special "mommy knowledge" on how to give a baby a bath.  She had to figure it out, so she let him figure it out! 
And it absolutely let them both down the bath of being CO-parents. Which is part of my advice- just let him do it.  Hand him the baby and leave, walk away.  Whatever the subject at hand it- just let him do it.
2- BUT at the same time, I'm a little "WTF" about this too.  You're asking him to just stay and HELP and he's giving you an attitude?  This doesn't sound like a man who really wants to learn.  He just wants to sit back and let you do the work.
But even w/ that - I go back to #1.  Let him figure some of this stuff out.
That is one problem I see that moms do.  Because they are the mom, they are "expected" to know/do everything, they often just take on all the tasks.  And also- they start to want things done THEIR way and don't leave room for their DHs to figure out their own way. 
I caution moms on doing this. Don't go down that path.  Let your DH figure things out on his own, and even if he does it differently- so what?  Let him. 

And I have to say I LOVE this advice!

Neary2011 · May 2013

Ecy:

To answer your question, we chose to be OAD because:

1. The size of our family just feels right and I don't have a strong desire to have another

2. Our finances would be really stretched with another and I don't want that added stress on our family/marriage

3. I have a career as a teacher that takes a tremendous amount of effort and I can manage that well with one child

Those are just a few but wanted to say that at this moment, it definitely sounds like you shouldn't be considering another child. Yes, your DH should be more helpful but often some men just don't do well with babies. I know I may get flamed for saying this and I know it's no excuse but it happens all the time. Many men get much more involved when the child reaches more of a toddler stage. I understand you don't want to just sit around and wait to see if this happens but I thought this might be the case since you said he's scared to give her a bath. Now, if he's being mean to you or anything like that, then there is no excuse and more action needs to be taken.

Thank you so much for the answers! With my Husband it isn't just the bath situation, he never gets up with her in the night (he says he can't hear the monitorbut it is laying right by our bed), and in the morning he tells me she is up and then I get up and take her downstairs and feed her and dress her, he just doesn't seem like he wants to be involved with anything, but when he gets home from work he will come in and give her a kiss and then go upstairs for the rest of the night and that just isn't enought and it isn't far to our daughter.

arbutusbride · June 2013

Neary2011:
Ecy:

To answer your question, we chose to be OAD because:

1. The size of our family just feels right and I don't have a strong desire to have another

2. Our finances would be really stretched with another and I don't want that added stress on our family/marriage

3. I have a career as a teacher that takes a tremendous amount of effort and I can manage that well with one child

Those are just a few but wanted to say that at this moment, it definitely sounds like you shouldn't be considering another child. Yes, your DH should be more helpful but often some men just don't do well with babies. I know I may get flamed for saying this and I know it's no excuse but it happens all the time. Many men get much more involved when the child reaches more of a toddler stage. I understand you don't want to just sit around and wait to see if this happens but I thought this might be the case since you said he's scared to give her a bath. Now, if he's being mean to you or anything like that, then there is no excuse and more action needs to be taken.

Thank you so much for the answers! With my Husband it isn't just the bath situation, he never gets up with her in the night (he says he can't hear the monitorbut it is laying right by our bed), and in the morning he tells me she is up and then I get up and take her downstairs and feed her and dress her, he just doesn't seem like he wants to be involved with anything, but when he gets home from work he will come in and give her a kiss and then go upstairs for the rest of the night and that just isn't enought and it isn't far to our daughter.

I do not mean any disrespect but your husband sounds like an A$$. I get that some guys do better when the child is older and more interactive, that's one thing but I don't think that this is the case with your husband. Granted we don't know the whole story or if he has had bad experiences in the past with small children but something doesn't feel right in this situation.

Leave him alone for a few hours and see how he does. Maybe he needs to be thrown into the deep end. If he still resists taking care of her than I would get other family members involved. (Is there another male family member that he respects? Maybe a good kick in the pants will help.)

I'm sorry if I seem a little brash but he is a grown man and is fully capable of taking care of a child. Good luck.

SlinkyDog2013 · June 2013

Sleep deprivation turns me into a stark,raving lunatic. That's a biggie.

Neary2011 · June 2013

arbutusbride:
Neary2011:
Ecy:

To answer your question, we chose to be OAD because:

1. The size of our family just feels right and I don't have a strong desire to have another

2. Our finances would be really stretched with another and I don't want that added stress on our family/marriage

3. I have a career as a teacher that takes a tremendous amount of effort and I can manage that well with one child

Those are just a few but wanted to say that at this moment, it definitely sounds like you shouldn't be considering another child. Yes, your DH should be more helpful but often some men just don't do well with babies. I know I may get flamed for saying this and I know it's no excuse but it happens all the time. Many men get much more involved when the child reaches more of a toddler stage. I understand you don't want to just sit around and wait to see if this happens but I thought this might be the case since you said he's scared to give her a bath. Now, if he's being mean to you or anything like that, then there is no excuse and more action needs to be taken.

Thank you so much for the answers! With my Husband it isn't just the bath situation, he never gets up with her in the night (he says he can't hear the monitorbut it is laying right by our bed), and in the morning he tells me she is up and then I get up and take her downstairs and feed her and dress her, he just doesn't seem like he wants to be involved with anything, but when he gets home from work he will come in and give her a kiss and then go upstairs for the rest of the night and that just isn't enought and it isn't far to our daughter.
I do not mean any disrespect but your husband sounds like an A$$. I get that some guys do better when the child is older and more interactive, that's one thing but I don't think that this is the case with your husband. Granted we don't know the whole story or if he has had bad experiences in the past with small children but something doesn't feel right in this situation.
Leave him alone for a few hours and see how he does. Maybe he needs to be thrown into the deep end. If he still resists taking care of her than I would get other family members involved. (Is there another male family member that he respects? Maybe a good kick in the pants will help.)
I'm sorry if I seem a little brash but he is a grown man and is fully capable of taking care of a child. Good luck.

I have left him alone with her for several hours and while I am going he acts like he doesn't know where anything is and consantly texting his mom and asking her question about Kendall, like how much should I give her in her cup and how much do I feed her and if her has a question he should contacted me, because I know but her knows also, he just want to be lazy. Then when I have returned he gives me the baby right back and goes to the room and plays games and watches tv, like now that I am home his job is complete. My parents watch our daughter from time to time so that I am can get some other things done, I am working on going to back to college and my parents told me that they would watcher for a few hours so I can go to class and get me work done, and I am really happy about that. Thank you!

arbutusbride · June 2013

That is great that you have family support especially when you have classes.

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