C-Section guilt...advice?

sware2010 · May 2013

Pretty much my whole life, I have taken for granted that I'd have a vaginal delivery. Now, for several reasons (all medical), my OB believes the safest option for my LO is a scheduled C section. The naturopathic OB from whom I got a second opinion agrees, as does a midwife friend of mine whom I trust. In my head, I know that what is safest for baby is the right decision, and I do not feel torn up about it from a logical perspective.

That said... my heart is so sad I feel like a bit of a failure as a mother. I feel like I won't have earned her. Watching a c section juxtaposed with a natural birth on TLC yesterday made me cry for upward of an hour. It just seems cold and the opposite of how I imagined her arrival.

Any advice on how to prep myself emotionally? Words of encouragement? What helped you adjust to the idea?

I am not looking to have my mind changed about the c section, just want to be in a better mindset for the happiest day of my life!

REWOP2 · May 2013

At the end of the day it doesn't matter how your baby got here, as long as it gets here safe and sound. No matter how you give birth you still end up with a beautiful child in your arms when all is said and done. Don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you are making the safest, and best possible choice for you and your baby.

Samantha71785 · May 2013

I am a FTM as well but have to say that if it's the safest way to welcome your baby girl, that's the best option and putting her needs first is what is most important. I don't see anything wrong with having a C-section, especially if that's what your Dr recommended. Good luck and you'll be fine. Also, your baby won't care how she was delivered (I was a C-section and it doesn't change my viewpoint at all).

megandchase · May 2013

I'm not having a scheduled csection but I am have a scheduled induction due to bp. This was not my idea of how I would have this baby either as I really wanted a med-free birth. We set up the induction today with my doctor and she said something that really hit home with me she said no matter how you deliver the prize is the same. we all end up with a beautiful baby at the end and the how and when will no longer matter. I hope that helps you some I know it did me!!

CoffeeBeanFiend91 · May 2013

I think this has everything to do with hormones. Once baby comes you'll care less how she made her entrance. You won't be a failure as a mother considering you'll be bringing her into this world the safest way possible. And as far as "earning" her it doesn't matter how she enters. You've carried her for 9 months and as long as you do everything to be the best mother you can be, you will have done more than enough to earn her.

sware2010 · May 2013

megandchase:
I'm not having a scheduled csection but I am have a scheduled induction due to bp. This was not my idea of how I would have this baby either as I really wanted a med-free birth. We set up the induction today with my doctor and she said something that really hit home with me she said no matter how you deliver the prize is the same. we all end up with a beautiful baby at the end and the how and when will no longer matter. I hope that helps you some I know it did me!!

How beautiful! I am going to repeat that to myself quite a bit these coming day I think. Thank you ladies.

Lil Kate · May 2013

I felt exactly like you with DS1. I was devestated! I cried for a few days basically mourning what i thought would be my birth experience. I just have to say that going through major surgery wide awake means you truly earned your LO.... Let alone the last nine months. I was hopeful for a VBAC with 2 but then I choose a csection. Every persons birth experience is different and u just want a healthy baby. I have come to love my births and am so excited/ anxious to do it again tomorrow. I know it is not easy but once you see your LO it will not matter how they were delivered. No offense to the vaginal births but csection mommas are tough cookies!

MrsMcC.10409 · May 2013

Sorry if the 2 cents of a July mama are an intrusion

While I love that the resurgence of less-invasive birthing methods are opening doors for families, I hate, Hate, HATE that it's created a mindset that the other option is some sort of failure. We are blessed to live in a country that has all the options open to them - surgical, midwifed, even dolphin assisted for crying out loud. You should NEVER feel guilty for doing what needs to be done to assure the safe arrival of your child. You did NOT fail in any way, shape or form. Sometimes it's just simply luck of the draw. I totally understand frustration and disappointment, I just hate to see a woman turn that inward onto herself. I have to have a CS too, and I'm willing to bet you don't judge me harshly for it, right? So give yourself that same benefit. You've done a great job so far of gestating your LO, and apparently in opposition to some set of adverse circumstance. You should be proud of yourself!!!

I am sorry that you're not getting the birth experience you had planned on. I know that is frustrating and scary. I would recommend checking to see if your hospital has a class on CS's, so that you can be more familiar with things, that always makes me feel more comfortable. But please, remember to love yourself and remember that this is not something that is your "fault."

agerstner · May 2013

Anyone who has grown a child inside them has 100 earned that baby. Might not be how you imagined your delivery but in no way is a csection a failure! Chin up : baby will be safe and happy.

skio · May 2013

I'm so sorry. Some people deal with the outcome of their birth experience just fine when it ends differently from how they had imagined. Some don't. I disagree with the statement that "all that matters is a healthy baby in your arms." I cringe every time I hear it. Because for many women, it's not all that matters, and that's okay. It is what matters MOST, for sure, because any mother will always do what is best for her child. But the birth experience matters a lot, too.

You're feelings are okay; understand that first. Let yourself grieve the experience. Make sure to keep talking it out with people close to you; don't feel silly for how you're feeling and keep it bottled up. Talk about it. I had an unplanned c/s and took it very hard. I didn't feel like less of a mother and I had no issues bonding with my daughter, I just felt a very heavy sense of disappointment and failure. Know that no birth experience is superior to another; no experience will make you better or worse than someone else; we're all moms and it does help to remember that. You have earned this baby as much as anyone.

Get in touch with your local ICAN chapter as soon as you can. There are a lot of resources there to help. The c section board here is pretty good, too. And if you're finding that you need more, or that you're depressed and withdrawing from people, seek help. Again, it's okay. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I wish you lots of luck!

needanustart · May 2013

I felt the exact same way when I scheduled my csection for G due to breech positioning. I cried and cried for 2 days. Know that those feelings are normal and it will take a little bit to get your head around it. 3 things helped me cope with the need for a csection. The first was that because I had to schedule it, it made life so much easier in terms of work and people coming into town, getting ready, etc. so I kept focusing on the positives. The second was it was a blessing to know about the need for one ahead of time when I knew of so many people who got hit with these emotions after labor and pushing and having a huge mix of emotions during the birth experience. I went into my section mentally prepared for it and that made it so much better than an emergency section. The third is that it was my first lesson as a parent that thigs wont always ho as planned and kids dont always or ever cooperate! being a parent is a lesson in adaptability for sure. I don't know your future family plans, but it also helped knowing that I would be a good vBAC candidate and could try again. Hang in there and once you have that beautiful baby in your arms everything else will pale in comparison.

ladybugpjb · May 2013

I completely disagree with the comment above that this has to do with hormones and once baby is here it won't matter except you have a healthy baby. That might be true for some people, but it's not universal.

I do agree with skio, and I also had an unplanned c-section. I was very emotional about it for a long time, far past when hormones had anything to do with it.

What helped me was just addressing everything head-on. I spoke to a social worker and a chaplain before I left the hospital, I cried to any nurse who came into our room, I cried to my friends, I wrote it out in my journal, and I tried so hard to move past it.

I finally looked at the situation for what it was and reminded myself that we both could possibly have died without the c-section. It wasn't an emergency situation, but it could have turned into one. Any time I felt those feelings arose (bitterness, anger, grief, or whatever), I would stop myself and remind myself to be glad to be alive with a healthy baby. It took awhile, but I was finally able to do it.

I also prepared myself in case anyone tried to give me grief about having a c-section, rehearsing lines to say, etc, but thankfully no one ever questioned it.

You have time to prepare yourself for this - make sure and do it. Grieve now if you need to. I was sooooo angry and upset when they wheeled me into the operating room that I couldn't calm myself down, and they had DS out so quickly that I pretty much missed it...and then I was even more upset.

Go check out the c-section board - lots of women post on there about similar feelings, and it's a pretty supportive group of women who comment.

I just really encourage you to address the feelings now - maybe just write down the list of reasons everyone has give you on why this is the best choice. If you can't come up with something to tell yourself, then just keep that list handy and look at it whenever you start to feel sad.

If you feel like a c-section is "cold" compared to a vaginal birth, maybe look into a "natural cesarean" and see if your OB is willing to do any of the things involved with that.

nikip6454 · May 2013

Doing what is best for baby is always the best decision, that makes you a good mom.

It makes me sad that you have guilt about this. Having a C-section because it is the best option is not a bad thing, it is not something you should feel guilty about or need to justify to anyone.

I do suggest hitting up the C-Section board, there are tons of moms over there with similar feelings and experiences.

I have not had a C-section but was transfers for a long time and was weighing my options.

Corleyrae · May 2013

Im there with ya. I have two breech babies and neither want to turn. I orginally planned for a med free birth. Now I am hoping that they stay put until cday. I have no rational desire to go into labor knowing that today or in two weeks will still result in a csection. But yeah it sucks a little. But I love that PP have said about earning our babies. We are lucky. I do have to remind my self that I am lucky to know my situation a head of time. Footling breech would be an unwelcome bit of info after hours or labor only to end up with an emergancy section. I atleast can talk to my doctor about a "natural section" with skin to skin and not whisking my babies away.

sware2010 · May 2013

Thank you so much ladies. I think I feel a little better and I feel like you've given me tools to continue to feel better. Skio, I hadn't heard of ICAN, so I appreciate you mentioning it. Also, the poster who mentioned natural c section. I'd kind of forgotten about this concept, and I'm a little energized reading about it again. Thanks all

MrsStubbs · May 2013

Other than the money and the scar, I would totally do it. Don't feel bad at all.

Peppermintpoot1 · May 2013

You know, I've scheduled my csection for July 17, and let me tell you, you are going to do great! PP is correct about it not mattering how your LO gets here, just that she arrives safely and healthy. You created her out of thin air! You deserve her and all of the happiness she will bring! You are going to be a wonderful mom, so don't worry about a thing. We are all proud of you! And remember to flip your sad thoughts to positive because LO needs to feel your positive, excited energy

Jtaxson · May 2013

Just a couple of facts about CS.

They have been done throughout our history, as in always. They started out initially to take live babies out of dying mothers as a last resort and we've since progressed to where we are now. Prior to further advancing obstetrics, the othrer option was a barbaric craniotomy procedure. I won't go into details on that as it's disturbing to the core but let's just say we should all be grateful that we have the options we do now!

I realize that you had imagined your birth to follow a certain plan, and it is sad that you no longer have that path. I would also be dissappointed to learn i need to have a CS. Do remember that your job is birth a healthy baby, no matter how he or she arrives. A c section is no shortcut either, so don't discount that!

PurpleFrog15 · May 2013

My doula has recently told me about a mother friendly c-section, where they lower the drape so that you can see baby as soon as it's being lifted out of you, they delay cord clamping, do immediate skin to skin, and still promote immediate breastfeeding. Maybe asking your doctor about this would make you feel better that the delivery isn't exactly as planned? Good luck!

lioness13 · May 2013

Sending positive vibes your way that you will find peace with how your baby is delivered. This is an exciting time!

JinglesChic · May 2013

labinkley1:
My doula has recently told me about a mother friendly c-section, where they lower the drape so that you can see baby as soon as it's being lifted out of you, they delay cord clamping, do immediate skin to skin, and still promote immediate breastfeeding. Maybe asking your doctor about this would make you feel better that the delivery isn't exactly as planned? Good luck!

This is what I'm doing, plus not having the urinary catheter. Look up the YouTube video "The Natural Caeserean" for more info about it.

ASmallWonder · May 2013

Just remember that the "earning" is not in the birth, which is the actually the smallest part of the parenting journey. That's not to say you're not entitled to be sad to lose the birth you'd hoped for. But you've kept her safe and healthy for 9 months, sacrificing much of the life you've known. You're also putting her best interests first by consenting to the c section and that right there is how you earn your stripes as a parent. You'll earn her love during those long sleepless nights early on and learning to love obnoxious books and cartoons and answering endless questions as she grows into toddler-hood. That's as far as I've gotten and I'm sure there's lots of "earning" left to be done but believe me, you've earned her and will continue to do it

Caitlin224 · May 2013

Ive had both types of deliveries and have encountered so many different reactions from people.

I dunno, being awake while letting someone cut into you because it;s best for the baby kinda makes you like, a warrior.

Corleyrae · May 2013

Caitlin224:
Ive had both types of deliveries and have encountered so many different reactions from people. nbsp;I dunno, being awake while letting someone cut into you because it;s best for the baby kinda makes you like, a warrior. nbsp;

Mobil.... but I want to bold the warrior part. This will be my new go to phrase. Forget med free birth! I was awake when they cut me open and took the baby! haha I feel like a bad just thinking about that! Great way to put it, Thank you!

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